Have been trying to blog for the past few days, they all ended up as my drafts. My head was going through so much that I couldn't finish what I started with. In all honesty, I wish I had a headphone or a loudspeaker in my head that speaks whatever that is going through my head. It feels like all these nonsense are just there and is clogging up my thinking capacity.

Then again, I may be saying so as a form of complaint. I have always been known to complain at almost everything possible. Just that for the past few months, I had very little people whom I could talk to, to complain to, it was all clogged up in my head, with pretty much nowhere to go. But hey. It does feel like my old habit is back. With so much more input that I see and experience, I just had to have a thought or two about what I am seeing and experiencing. It got me considering my action, questioning myself if I was doing the right thing or completely wrong. It also got me going through a long pause whenever I needed to make a decision, wondering if it would be the right decision or otherwise. Which, in a matter, I would always assume its the wrong one.

I mean, there is no way you could predict what could really happen in the future, right? One day you have this decision, picturing it to be the perfect life you will see unfolding before your eyes. Then when that day comes, you feel truly disappointed when everything isn't as lavishing as you thought it would be. Because of that, I started to see everything negatively, and be pleasantly blown away whenever things do happen to turn out in a good manner.

Then of course, it is always safer to have a plan, a guideline ready to have a little bit of faith in waking up the next day, in finding a reason to be breathing as you are today.

Me plan, is to graduate with a degree with the word Zoology written on it, as of now, there is no plan to forgo Honours, as I figured that after I have graduated, I would go into the working field.. as an airstewardess. It's a plan, where I get to travel, and work and serve people and meet all kinds of people, also, earning enough money for both me and my mother. Hopefully once I am satisfied with what I have, then I would let it go, and continue my studies with animals.

My passion lies within the lives of animals. I may be human, but it still feels like there is much more to life, than us, humans by our own. If I do get a job, once I am done with this stage of animal studies, I would probably leave the world satisfied.

I am crazy enough to think that I can change the world's perspective towards animals someday. But to do so, I need to learn more about them vocabulary-less beings, our friends on Earth. That, someday will come. Even if I die not changing the world, but if I do learn enough of what I need to know, it's still good enough for me.

I may be overly repetitive of what I am dying to do. It is taking me years to be where I want to be, from today. Even right now, I am not even close to the half way point of my plan, I have diverged myself into having an interest in Biomedical Science. Oh. That look in my aunt's face when I asked her about this unit. It breaks my heart.

If I hadn't had this plan laid out before me, I would imagine myself going through so much more difficult times, trying to cram both Zoology and Biomedical Science, prolonging my years from 3 to 5 years of studying. Looking at my academic capabilities, I know I am incapable of keeping up. There is no point, when I could see myself suffering though my 5 years, probably risking fails and only mere passes in all my units, possibly wasting another two years worth of nothing, coming out and getting a job that I probably wouldn't like and then rot my life away.

I wouldn't think like that if I hadn't see the adults struggling with their lives, working and doing things that they are not passionate about, being slaves to themselves, just to keep their heads above water. I, would rather drown and do what I like, even if it means I will have a shorter life. At least I die, with a happy heart. Isn't that, what matters most?

You may have been seeing alot of words related to death in this post. Sorry, but it does seem like it's slowly creeping in on us. As a child, we know nothing about death, we only know that they are no longer there, physically in our lives. But now.. it feels like it is everything.

I constantly think that I shouldn't be alive, considering how much burden I have served for as long as I have existed. I honestly think that life would have been so much of a better place, if I had not existed. It feels like my existence has no significance in life.

Pretty sure I am not the only one who feels that way, but I do go to the extreme a little. I imagine how I would die. I imagine myself returning as a ghost, walking amongst people and just watching but there is nothing I could do. I imagine that I could just leave the world as it is, and there is nothing that I needed to worry about, leaving the world to be a better place.

But the thing is, I am already breathing. The only thing that is not allowing me to commit suicide, is the fact that once I go, that will be the end of me. All those plans and efforts I have spent trying to make things right, all those people whom I have literally owe my life to, all those people who have spent their moments worrying for me.. Death, will never be the answer.

Sometimes things may be overwhelming. Sometimes you just feel like curling up in a foetal position and sit there, hoping someone would come and pick you up. Sometimes you just wish there is a guide, somewhere out there to tell you that you will be fine, that you are doing the right thing.

But most of the time, you just gotta suck it up, and brave the world as though nothing is holding you back at all. Plant that smile on your face, and be the cheerleader of your own. Play your own game, bring the sunshine to the lives of those around you.

Everyone has got their own story to tell. Everyone, is their own warrior.

The Sun will always shine, the moon will always brighten up the night.

You're breathing.
Just smile.

:)