1.30am, 19th October 2012

Everytime I have a flight home, I will start reminiscing of the whole time I have been where I am. Putting every journey home as a reference point to how much I have changed and how much things have changed. Probably one way where I would make myself feel better, looking back on what I could actually improve more, or what I could've done differently. As it is still my first year on my own, this is still probably the beginning of an epic journey ahead.

I am pretty sure I have mentioned this in a blog, somewhat a week ago. Will be checking back on it, just in case I am being repetitive. :P

But I like talking about this! This change I have has made me feel so much better about myself (that I secretly want to rub it into the faces of those who have left me in the dark during my first semester here). I know I shouldnt be putting the blame on anyone for my sad times, but it really did felt like I was neglected then. It had hurt my inner self to a point where I was highly delusional, only relying on sleep and study as a gateway where I could escape of how gruesome reality was. Dreams were the things I looked forward to, rather than waking up in the mornings, looking forward to what the beauty of the world was installed for me.

I know that I shouldnt be fretting about this that much, but it has played a significant impact in my life. One that had made me do drastic changes, one that made me realise I had grown into a better person than who I used to be.

No doubt, I still like feeling like a child. When amongst people whom I know are older than me, I'll just lay back and let them make the decisions, as I trust that they knew best. Aside from the fact that I have no faith whatsoever in the things I do, I'd rather sit at the sidelines, watching, listening and learning from them.

But of course, if I were to do that, I had to start mingling around and getting to know more people, beforehand right? Not to forget that initial effort that is needed to start off everything.

This time around, I didn't care about how the outcome would turn out to be. Took numerous leaps of faith, and hoped that I didn't land anywhere where it would be labelled as suicide. Eventhough there may be ravines where I fall too deep into, all I needed to do, was to take a break and strategise on how would I get back out onto the surface. Once done, I was almost ready to take another leap off the cliff. It was either do or die for me, no longer 'what if..?'.

The best decision I have made! As the days passed, I slowly found the spark that I lost, when I first got here. I would not have realised how far I had been down under if it wasn't for a friend who told me that she could sense that I wasn't as cheerful as I used to be, back in the days where I had nothing to worry about.

I had food, I had a car, I had the money.. All I needed to do was study well. Even so, I couldnt. Simply because I was spending my time having fun. No aim, whatsoever.

Here? What I needed most was comfort, trust, and a little bit of external push to get me going.

Which I deprive.

Was even overwhelmed by my own thoughts, clouding over me, telling me that I can never do anything right, nor properly.

*just as I arrived at my seat, I saw a little girl sitting at the chair next to mine. The joy I had when I thought I got to sit beside her. Not too long after that, a man came by and said: ermn, that's my seat. Damnit! Now I can't enjoy the child's adorableness and have to be blocked by the mundane adult sitting beside me. :/ *

Now, where was I?

This time, I learned to treasure those who are dear to me. Friends who cares would appear once in awhile, asking how I am doing or would respond to my Facebook statuses. Though it may seem like it's nothing, but it tells me that they still have me somewhere in their thoughts eventhough I may not be physically present. It meant so much to me sometimes, that I was afraid by mentioning it would make them think I am desperate and would freak out and disappear.

Then again, if they do freak out, they should not be worth me calling them as friends, right?

Heh. Piece of bullcrap!

I really could not care less of what people think of me anymore. As long as I, am happy, why not?

Yes there may be times where I should be self conscious, and moderate my actions. But weighing the pros of letting loose is much more than holding it in, letting loose WINS!

That fuzzy feeling whenever there is a flight to be done. Lack of sleep, and what not. Insanity!

Heh. I apologise for my randomness. >< being zombified has never been a good decision xD