Here is one suicidal habit about me. When something interests me, I will go all out in trying to find the core to it. It works fine, if it applies to education and other useful stuff. But it is normally the social stuff that gets me curious the most, as I find it difficult to understand society.

This bad habit of mine involves me, beating around a bush, knowing there is a secret hidden within its dark and shady appearance. By the norm, it would have looked completely normal, nothing interesting at all, where people would not have a second look at. But I, was stupid enough to actually stop and immediately start scavenging for bits and pieces around it that could give me a clue or two about this one big, fluffy bush right there in my face.

At this point, it feels like I a complete psycho, pondering about what appears to be nothing. It gets me thrilled to have a few ideas and thoughts about what I was frolicking about. I get excited, but nobody actually bothers about what I discovered. Which of course, is completely normal. As I question myself why I do that, I continue finding answers to prove myself wrong.

The problem heightens as I accidentally found a loop hole, and I fall into this 'magical unknown kingdom'. As I fall, I find myself being bombarded with extensive information that I had been beating about all these while. It made me thought: why on earth did I get so overly curious about this in the first place. It somewhat feels like I have hit the jackpot, somewhat like I made it through and got what I wanted. But it was somehow, too overwhelming.

Its as though you have seen something, and there is no way you could possibly un-see something.

What happens when I manage to break through? I, stop functioning almost immediately.

It's almost like a truce, where you  choose to understand what exactly is happening, or you choose to leave with millions of questions in your head unanswered. Either way, it is impossible that you could talk about this to the rest of the world, cause you started off as the maniac, searching for apparently nothing. What makes you think they would believe what you say?

I am not a perfect person, but I would want to read all my flaws and be a better person. But who should I ask, to know what I am doing wrong, or what I am doing right?

Trial and error, they say.
But with every one success you get, you have millions of flaws behind your back. What is the point?

:/