What am I supposed to do?

When the heart says go, and the mind says no. It's silly how tiny trivial matters that requires decisions, make me go literally insane from time to time. I personally find that it really is unnecessary to overthink things. But at the same time, I couldn't help myself from thinking each matter thoroughly. I would have to admit that most of the time, those hours and pain taken to think them through, would almost never match up with the effect of how perfect that decision would turn out. Which is absolutely dumb. Because that much of an effort has been placed into these, I end up losing focus on other things that requires much more attention than the one I had given priority to.

It came to a point where it felt that those effort I put in, doesn't feel worth anything at all. It inhibited me from thinking normally, feeling absolutely frustrated about it, and find it completely difficult to accept what others had to say regarding the issue. Maybe this is what one would consider, 'blinded'. Knowing that I should be open minded, where it would allow me to accept the view and opinion of others that could most definitely lessen my burden on those unnecessary thoughts, it just makes me feel at a worse state than I already was.

This cloud that I have gathered around me, made me stubborn and selfish at times. A mind that is literally clogged up, where I couldn't just find an escape or where I was headed to. When a problem comes to me, I would have a look at it, then picture what would happen if that one decision was made just exactly then. People would say that I am jumping into conclusions a little too quickly. There is nothing within me, that is disagreeing with that statement, either. Most of the time, I would create an image in my mind, that things would turn out in the most negative way possible. In my defense, it would be a complete miracle if things had turn out in the most delightful and fruitful manner.

Disappointments, they break my heart into a million pieces. Sometimes, they could break ME into something that would just curl in bed, as though my body had lost all it's support system. When that happens, my mind just stops functioning altogether, rejecting everything that would come across my mind. I have to admit, that this side of me, could literally kill me someday. Adding salt to that, I recently realised that I have built a completely different world for myself to live in, Rainbowton. It is when I stop to think about this little world I have, I begin to feel calm again, before returning back to reality to face one problem at a time.

Sometimes, I would blame myself for causing myself so much problems that would seem nonexistent to others. Mentioning them, or sharing these problems with others felt as though I am complaining about my own problems that I have brought upon myself. No clue why I feel so, but it got me trying my hardest to stop complaining whenever I can. Even when I have no pure evil intentions when all I wanted was to vent my anger and frustrations, it felt like the other person deserves some peace for their own because they have their own problems to handle on their own too. Other times, it felt like they probably wouldnt understand how I truly feel as I vent my emotions at them. Then again, I wouldn't want to push it.

There is nothing about this that I like having in myself. There are times where I feel like my mind is speaking louder than my own voice, or that I am speaking without even realising it.

LOL.
Sorry, it got a little too deep. Hehe.

Meeting new people, is always good. You are exposed to more life stories and you learn from what tell you. Somewhat of an eye opening experience, an addition to an amazing life ahead. Best times, would be when you find things and topics that you both could agree on, you get fascinated to the unknown side of this newly acquainted person. Something new, something fresh from what you already have.

Along the way, you lose out on known people too. We normally make a big fuss when our 'good friends' are being distanced from us. Who do we blame for this misery that we both go through? Adding salt to open wounds when they used to be the one patching it up for you. What happened? Neither one of you could give a solid answer. Egos skyrocket, neither is willing to put their guards down. Where will this lead to?

Distance can pull relationships tighter. But when you have a pulling force, you will also have the pushing force; loosened ties. Time, plays an important culprit in this matter too.

Today, I don't know where exactly I stand on that tier of friendship. Things I have refused to acknowledge; tearing friendships due to distance and lack of time spent together. It was almost impossible to keep everything the way it is, just as it is before I left. Every trip coming back home, feels like I have skipped a whole lot of together-times with friends. The times when I am home, made it felt like there is no way I could replace those lost times. People are still around, but it just felt different. Sometimes, it feels like I am living a completely different life altogether.

Best friends, are friends whom I know for sure who will be there by me, through the thick and thins, knows about my life in the foreign land, while keeping me updated about their lives back in the homeland. It is them, who I feel like I owe my life to (literally), that feeling of being somewhere, secure with. Not alone, like I am some complete stranger. Friends who would find me out of the blue, randomly asking me how I was, and would end up chatting away with whatever that came to our minds. Frustrations, happiness, anxiousness could be felt by the delay of time.

Everybody has got their own lives to live. More often of times, where things that meant miniscule scales would just disappear into nothing. Maybe I am the silly one who is just sitting there, browsing through my Facebook friends list and ponder upon how I used to know them, and how we just don't talk anymore. It also brought up the thought of how many of them are still friends or just a matter of the past. Where is this line between friendship and acquaintance, what draws that line between acquaintances and strangers. What is the differences between friends and best friends?

Til I figure it out, browsing through my Facebook friends list and homepage, day in and day out, questioning myself.. Til I fall out of reality..

I never really know what to think, precisely. To be the good person and be made used of, or the mean person and only giving when necessary. It always feels nice to be on the giving side. People may not appreciate goodness being given to them. But that nice feeling is there when you give them something that you think they may find it necessary. Even happier still that they show appreciation on the kindness that you give them. People don't really realise how much small kindness actually could brighten up somebody else's day or even life.

But of course with the cruelty or people these days, and also the mounting amount of hardship one has to endure, people just neglect being kind altogether. Even when people are just being kind just because they are kind, people who are being given to, would be in a cloud full of questions as it seems all so doubtful. Kids were used to be told, 'don't ever take candies from strangers'. Stereotype to that would be that, kids would most probably run far far away and will forever be afraid of these people who would be happy to give them candies. What if that person was genuinely nice, just wanting to see that smile on the child's face after accepting those lovely candies? Most importantly, why would people make use of kindness as a form of threat to others?

Hence, recently. My mind has been clouded on the fact if I should be a kind and not expect anything in return, or just be plain mean and be happy for myself without the help of others. Truth is, I don't see how it is actually possible to even search for happiness on my own. Happiness, is contagious. Happiness comes from the external as a reference to true happiness within. As insane as it sounds, it really does work that way. Even when you have a fancy car, you expect people to praise you for the fact that you have a fancy car, and that you loathe on that for your happiness. We all secretly wish to be happy in someway or another. We all try whatever we can to be happy. But it always seems to be that one thing that is the hardest to seek.

I have always felt the necessity to be as nice as I can, even if people don't appreciate it. Like how normal people would feel, of course I would feel that twang of disappointment when the nice deed was unappreciated. I would end up complaining about it, and that was about it. However, there had been some apparent issues whereby me being kind and nice would literally just eat me up from the inside out. It somehow did bring up that inner self defense within me, and making me being that evil person whom I always wish I could be, just to have a slight revenge on how I have been treated with. Be it by natural instincts to be nice, or by default that you should be doing what you should be doing, it feels like every effort you make, should be appreciated, in one way or the other. Ego being built by the day, everything else just doesnt seem like it made any sense anymore. Everything, just seemed like the wrong decision to even begin with.

Growing up, watching how my aunt is always the generous one with everything she could possible give, to seeing my mother coming home with plentiful of gifts and souveniers and also returning to her workplace with the same amount of gifts but only replaced with local goods, being nice and kind feels like it is definitely something I would follow naturally. As I grow up, with more people related problems piling up, I would go back and seek comfort from my mother and aunt. One advice that I constantly hear from the both of them:

"You can't always be nice to people, you need to be cunning so that they won't make use of you."

Which ultimately confuses me from the ends of my hair strands down to the tips of my toenails. They do tell me to make use of people whenever necessary too. Which completely runs the opposite direction to where my initial principles were. It wasn't something I could avoid accepting either. Life was getting more and more difficult, people of all kinds were beginning to show more prominent human characters and personalities that were literally frightening the daylights out of me.

There is still so much more to life than this!! D;

I shall return to my own land of Rainbows. :)

I absolutely love my home desktop. This screen size is something I wish I could game with every single time I game. The keyboard is also a proper keyboard, which is almost perfect to game with. Also very unlikely that this would overheat as fast as the laptop. Not to forget the speakers attached to this desktop. Oh myyyyyyy. Bro only upgraded this when I left for Aussieland. Every single time I come home, all I see is him being plunged into his own workspace with his macbook, this lonely sad magestic desktop is just sitting there in the living area with it's screen BLACK.

Hence I thought it would be awesome if I installed Left 4 Dead 2 into this desktop and have a ball at it while I am back. kekeke

It always feels like there are just too much happening in my life that I just couldn't be bothered talking about it sometimes. It does feel like I am bragging about how I have things to do and pretty much living my life there in Melbourne. It does feel like I couldn't really connect with my friends back here too. Whenever they start talking about random stuff, it would be absolutely normal to just crash in and join their random conversation. But I just felt out of place, and ended up zoning out. My heart flutters, wanting to explode and share with them, my awesome memories and experiences there in Aussieland. Part of me felt like, if I were to spill the story of my life over the sea, it would be as though I am boasting about it.

Not everybody will be interested in listening to your heavenly-like boastful experiences that they don't get to experience themselves. I even secretly wished that I could package everyone abroad to where I am, and having them to experience the same memorable experiences as I had. Self experienced fun and pain, who would want to go through that alone? :(

It does gets depressing sometimes. But as long as you have one or two friends who will be there by your side throughout the whole ordeal, it is presumably fine, no?

It feels like my complaining days have returned.

I have been trying to evade from complaining as much as I can, but of course, these complaints have nowhere else to come out from but to be exposed and mentioned somewhere. Just the mention of it satisfies me. If it wasn't for me complaining about not being able to blend it, then it is me complaining about how someone else is the factor to me continuing my journey. It feels as though I simply could not accept the fact that there is somebody in my way, congesting my path towards my goals.

In all honesty, I like working alone. But I am also aware that there are things to be done when it involves others. The normal complaints a person would say: why are we including this person in our work when he/she has done nothing but being present in the form of NAME. Or, we might end up complaining how incompetent they are when it comes to producing the work, and you are the one person who has to do EVERYTHING.

Is this not part of life? People like these will be all around us. Eventually, we too learn to be them. Simply because you know if you did put in a 100%, your effort will almost NEVER be recognised. What is the point of doing something with your heart, when the others doesn't give a crap about it at all? There is no way that you should be constantly at their ears, telling them each and every single detail in perfecting something on their part. They, will find you annoying, and will give 0 effort, or probably do something that would just ruin your part as well. Work.

When I am given a task, I will think and consider if it's a task worth my time on. When I decided that it wasn't, I literally give it 25% of my effort, as I see no benefit it working my bum off for it. But when I decided that it will be a task worthy of my time, I will give my all. My only goal would be to complete it, the best way that I could. This would be the task where I would spend my time worrying and pondering about how tragic it would be if it isn't done perfectly. This, would also be the place where I would start complaining tremendously.

Fact that I know I have 'work' to do, fact that I know I have dedicated myself into my role, fact that I have decided that this will be something worth my time on, it makes me extremely agitated.

It doesn't make sense. I just feel frustrated, not being able to do my work and complete it. Yet I can't help but to feel that way, cause I fail to find my way around it. Being independent is a whole different story, I take it to the ultimate seriousness. I try my best to not look for help, and I will normally fail when I don't. I didn't want to be seen as somebody who will annoy the crap out of someone, just because I can't get it done on my own. I don't want people to think that I am taking for granted of their kindness in helping me out.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I'd rather die than to stay in this mess. But I know, if I don't learn from this, I will never grow up into a proper adult, and will always be that silver spoon fed child. I don't want to be that spoilt brat, I want to be an independent woman for myself.

What should I do?