No matter how angry you get, no matter how sad you are, no matter how suicidal a person is, it still depends on what that person is thinking at that particular time. If God allows, something else would happen and distract that thought for abit. All is required was an external source, somebody who shows that it doesnt matter whether they know you personally or not, that fact that somebody cares, mean the world to that someone who needs it.

I consider myself suicidal. One would say that I am doing so is because I am being an attention seeking whore. Maybe. My aunt did tell me off when I was younger, saying that I always find something about myself that makes people pity me. I, am not disagreeing with her. Besides, there should be a reason why she said that. Yet, there should also be a reason why I behave likewise too.

I never figure out the true purpose of me being alive in the first place. Somehow, it felt like it was an accident that I exist, and that my existence has caused nothing but trouble. No, I am not putting the blame on anyway, it's just a truthful thought I have at the moment.

Just like everyone else, there are things that I fear deeply. Some that are just too obvious, while others just slips through my random speech of all sorts. Today, it's just another mundane expression that I am literally killing myself with. Why can't I just be happy?

Why can't I accept things the way it is and stop with all those unnecessary negativity?

Why?

...

As I was waiting at the bus stop, I had thought that the next bus would only come in another 45 minutes. Luck was on my side, a bus appeared just a few minutes after I arrived at the bus stop. Stepping into the bus, just like how every other day, I searched for a place where I felt like sitting today. As I sat, a granny beside me seemed to be in distress and said, 'where are you taking me?' in a soft and weak voice of hers.

Figured that the bus driver couldn't hear her, I helped her by telling the bus driver to stop at the next bus stop. The granny seemed like she had problems getting up from her seat. Nobody else in the bus seemed like they wanted to help her. I even caught a glance of an asian girl giving that somewhat disgusted look on her face when I helped the granny get up. I wish I knew why, but I was busy helping granny to get off the bus.

My plan to camp in the library was halted. This granny gave me that worrying sense, where it made me feel like I should accompany her until she gets to the place she intended to go to. She had difficulties walking, she was shivering, her movements were all weak. It was a worrying sight for me. As we got off the bus, the first thing that came to my mind, 'is there anyone I could call to pick her up or something?'. I asked granny, her answer was, 'i have nobody'.

Thinking that it would probably make her cry, I decided not to ask further but to accompany her home. As we were walking, she constantly stopped to look around, admiring the buildings and the pretty houses along the way. How long has she not been out here? I was carrying her bag of meat and her handbag on one hand while holding her hand on the other. She was weak, and she needed support. Her every move was so fragile, it scared me that if she fell, I would probably crush her with my weight. Granny said she was from Germany. Granny was also adorable, telling me that it would be easier to walk if we were to walk with the same foot out first. She kept asking me to leave her, but I couldn't.

Half an hour into walking, her knee was aching, she could no longer walk any further. I didn't knoe what to do, thank goodness there was a short stumpy fence that was suitable for her to sit. As I asked her to sit, she seemed to have difficulties sitting down too. She even said that she is afraid that she might not be able to get up afterwards. Once she was nicely seated, I stood by the roadside, trying to flag down a passersby car, hoping some kind person would stop by to help drive this granny home. Thank goodness this lady turned around. I immediately told her about the situation, and she agreed to help. The fact that she turned around, it already told me that she was willing to help.

Her house was quite a distance from the bus stop. I have no idea how she got herself there in the first place. Seemingly somebody has dropped her off or something. Granny could hardly speak too. Granny is 86. Granny reminded me of my own granny who passed away end of last year. Anyhow, thank goodness for that kind lady, granny should be able to reach home safely. :)

...

Yeap. They are both unrelated. But what happened after the granny incident was the cause of the initial essay of texts. Not feeling like I should mention it here, but hopefully this is sufficient enough to remind me of it.

Whatever it is, if there was any given chance, one should always take an opportunity to do whatever that is necessary at that point of time. You will never know how much it really means to that someone, whom you have no clue, needing it badly.

What about me?

I have this bad habit of observing people and judging them at that instant after I was done observing. I am pretty sure I am not the only one doing this, but to some people, it is rather hypocritic.

In a way, I somehow find myself learning more about myself by doing the above. I would always compare whatever I am seeing, with who I am. At one point of time where I started to think: if people use, 'don't judge a book by its cover', then why does first impression matters the most? I am very sure I have written about this a few months ago, but that thought eventually came back and question me.

Is it a bad thing that I am judging people so much?

Maybe. But it's not like I am trying to bring down the observed's reputation or anything. It was more for my own benefit. Probably the reason to why I complain like there is no tomorrow. Yes, I may be talking about their negative sides, simply because this was what attracted me most; I didnt want to be seen like that. But I can't help it that I get jealous about them. Fact that they can do anything they want, without bothering so much about what people think of them, makes me really envious. I wanted that freedom too.

Complaints. Seems clearer to me in a way.

I know where I fall back when amongst society. But I never dared voicing out what my thoughts truly were. That fear where I would actually lose every single thing I had, or that people would think of me otherwise, it scares me. But why do I have to be so scared? Why? I don't know.

I may complain, but it is definitely not me doing the talking, it was the jealous me talking. I am never confident with what I say. I can never do a proper presentation, eventhough I knew my substance well. Stage fright? Probably more of: what are these people thinking about me? I am literally their centre of attention then, judgement is bound to happen.

I always ask people, what do you think of me? I never knew if they were telling the truth or otherwise. Only true friends could tell if it was right or wrong.

Then comes the thought: everybody is different in their own way, people will learn to accept who you are as you are.

Okay...

Am I doing too much unnecessary thinking?

One feels empowered when amongst familiar people, people who knew us.

Is that true?

:/

Sorry.

Was watching a gameplay of TF2, while the video person went on and on about his life, being a procrastinator, a massive procrastinator.

It wasn't until the video ended that I found it bizarre. LMAO.
Funny thing was that I actually heard every single thing he had to say, while I was watching the gameplay, when it is totally irrelevant at all.

We normally listen to the commentator, telling us a brief story about the particular episode or movie, it matches. It normally gives a mental thought about how the story would turn out.

But THIS?!

HAHAHAHA. I find it weird.

I do watch other gameplay about how they video person comments about the game, bring us on a tour about the map and all.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

I don't know how to react to what just happened. omg.

It's the last week of Uni!
No doubt, I am actually excited with the fact that uni is ending. 3 horrific months of strenous studying, cleaning and everything else. I only remember that I was having super problematic troubles with my assignments. Those were my only troubled times with uni. Everything else, was pleasant.

Almost.

This semester, I had 2 times of 3 hours lab sessions. Three hours worth of play and no homework or studies. Oh, such joy. Though I have complained to myself silently through the whole 6 hours of the week, I would stil have to say that I enjoyed it. HEHE. Hypocritic bitch, I know. I AM SORRY! :(

Love the fact that my mondays and fridays have got only 2 hours of lectures. I am allowed to wake up late on mondays, and I had made a terrible habit for skipping fridays' lectures just so I could spend the rest of the day studyin in the library. Skipping lectures is probably one of the dumbest decision to do this sem. Though I could easily catch up using the online recoded lectures, but when I stop to calculate how much each session cost me, I think I would rather suicide. Still finding the cost of my course ridiculously expensive. :/

So what do I do now?
With the fact that my cost is still ridiculously expensive, should I just continue studying here in Monash, where I have learned to adapt myself to? Or should I transfer over to somewhere cheaper then I wouldn't feel as guilty as I am now?

Arguement 1:
I have pretty much settled the courses for my three years to graduate under a major in Zoology and Genetics here in Monash. Side note: it would cost me about 100 thousand (no clue what is it called in words... one mil? shyitttttttt). Once I graduate, then I could find a proper paying job, to earn back that money, to relieve that guilt I have built up for 3 years long.

Would learning to adapt into a new place, distract me even further? WAIT! Is my results even good enough to be transferred to elsewhere cheaper? Hrmmmm. Questions Questions.

Arguement 2:
If I were to transfer, I am still having UTas in my mind. Probably because I have yet to see for my own eyes what is it like living in Tassie, it questions me. Plus the fact that it is HALF the price of Monash, it really is tempting. Side effect to that would be that I have to readapt to the new environment, plan my subjects and courses all over again (they would most probably have different courses and directions in the road to graduation). Also, it is much much much colder there too.

So, what do I do?

My head is definitely leaning towards the first option; staying here in Monash and study until I graduate, then earn the money to pay back that guilt.

Sometimes I wish I was much smarter, so that I could get scholarship and not worry about money at all. Imagine if I had scholarship, I wouldn't have to worry about spending too much on food or anything, simply because my education is taken care of. But nope, I don't have the brains. And so I have to be the slave to my own guilt.

Anyhow. I do enjoy myself here in Monash. I managed to have a few people whom I can call friends now. Took me so much tears to get to where I am today (silly with the tears, I know, but DUDE! my scumbag brain did it to me :/ ). Though I may spend most of the time alone, I got used to it, and I actually do enjoy being alone now. HEHE. The coldness is still not my friend though, probably one of my biggest enemy, EVER. pfffffffftttttttttttt.

Heading home in a month's time. EXTREME EXCITEMENT!
Even if people won't come to me, I swear I will waste some petrol, go knock on their door, and say : HI! I AM BACK. I AM HERE IN YOUR FACE TO TELL YOU, I STILL REMEMBER YOU. THANK YOU FOR NOT FINDING TIME TO SEE ME. BYEBYE! Then I would proceed in driving off with my little bright yellow car named SUNNY, beaming into your face, making you remember that moment forever.

I am a bitch like that.
Problem?

Well. If you get it, you pretty much deserve it.
Yeap, I don't care anymore. Makes me much happier now that I can tell the difference.

;)

:|

It feels like God is answering me.

Had been rather down for the past few days. Feeling much insecure, feeling silly if I were to complain about it all over facebook or twitter, I thought I would just let this one die out... eventually hoping that it would really die out on it's own. Probably just not quite there yet, maybe I'll get there soon enough.

Those thoughts; 'what if I had not existed, what would life be like?' came back and played little games with my mind for the past few days. It had disappeared for awhile, but my bitch mind decided to bother me with that rhetorical question out of nowhere, all over again.

As I sat down and settled for my bowl of kimchi clam soup noodle, I had the tv on with Masterchef while browsing through facebook for abit. Came to a post where someone had posted about receiving a scholarship for her education. A thought came into my mind and said, 'how on earth did she get the scholarship?'. I then asked my friend how was it possible to get a scholarship here, as an international student. It was really unfair that international students were pretty much paying 6times more than what the locals are paying. Thinking that it was rather ridiculous, maybe a scholarship would help a little. But of course, to get a scholarship, one has got to be exceptional in studies or in other fields of extracurricular activities. I, have none.

I knew well enough that my brains are incapable of attaining exceptionally good results and I have no talent to even take part in any extracurricular activities around. At that point, I thought I was pretty much a screwed up individual.

What on earth am I doing here as a person, living on the surface of the earth, with no significant purpose at all?

Knowing that it was Thursday, I decided to hog the tv and try to catch my dose of Grey's Anatomy. The girls weren't around, I had the upper hand on conquering the tv first today. hehe.

Right after Masterchef, it was Glee.
Coincidentally, this episode of Glee, included character swaps.

Tina was jealous of Rachel, due to peer pressure or somesort. Met with a mishap where she fell into a shallow pool and got hit on her head. What happened after that, was some sort of a Freaky Friday remake, Tina was Rachel for the day. EVERYBODY ELSE IN THE SHOW SWAPPED CHARACTERS TOO. It was bizarre. It was a message where it allows Tina to see what it's like being Rachel for at least a day.

What I understood from that episode was strangely connected to those ridiculous thoughts I had for the past few days.

As thought it wasn't bizarre enough, Grey's Anatomy's episode also involved 'a change in reality'. It started off with Meredith doing a monologue, going, 'what if...'. I swear this episodes is so much more weirder than the musical episode that they had before. It then went on with a whole episode of a totally different 'reality' from the original series. Meredith's mother was still alive, and dr. Webber was Mer's father. Mer's mother was the chief of the whole hospital, apparently receiving 3 harper avery's awards. Addison came back into the show and was about to have a baby with Shepherd... (LOL! grey's language here. you can totally omit this part. :P) All in all, this episode was totally whacked out.

But it did give a thought and the 'visual example' of what life would have been IF it had been different. It is still giving me thoughts about it, even now. Would have to say, it is much more than I initially thought it would be, but... I think I got a get it now...?

...

Truthfully, I still find it difficult that I am living on my own. I try to find ways to avoid all those difficulties that I may have to face eventually. Hoping that I could dodge them completely, but at least not get hit too badly by them. As time passed, I realised that there was nowhere I can run to, even if I wanted to run from it as far as I can. There was simply NOWHERE else to run to. I, am already AWAY from where I used to be.

Life would have been much better if I had no existed. I still picture how all those silly little problems that had involved me, would have not been a problem if only I had not existed.

Fact is, I do exist.

And all I have to do, is to find my purpose in this life. It is only then that it is legit that I am worth existing.

As much as I picture how things would have been likewise, things would eventually turn out the way it wants to be.

que sera sera~ whatever will be will be~ the future's not ours to see~ que sera sera~ what will be, will be.

On the sidenote: One does not tell a person who has watched the whole series while growing up, that the show is crap. NEVER.

There are days where you don't feel like cooking. There are days where you feel unmotivated to attend lectures. There are days where you don't feel like eating anything, eventhough there is so much food in front of you and that you are also hungry. There are days where you just don'f feel like doing anything at all. There are days, where you just wait to see the day pass by. There are days where you hope someone would find you instead of you finding them.

Today, is that one day.

It has been awhile since I last blogged. HAHA! Well, today was my last chemistry lab for this semester! I stole something, can't really remember what it is called. Pasteur pipette? Still wondering why did I steal them for. Haha! :P Being as random as ever, I took a filter paper and asked my lab partners to sign on it. For memories sake? Just a random act, I couldnt bother what they thought of me. 8 lab sessions together, breaking glass wares, screwing up the solutions, all was good, no blood was involved. But we had to screw up our last experiment together. LOL! One of us broke the glass funnel, the other one dropped the pipette dispenser thingy into the solution, and I messed up the solution concentration. Then I remembered, I screwed up during my first chem lab, with the concentrations too. HAHAHAHAHA!! (Y) hehe. I wonder if I'll be seeing these people in next sem's chem labs.

Have I mentioned how much I look forward to grocery shopping? Seemingly I have been spending quite a lot lately, I was trying so hard to cut down on my own expenditure. In other words, my food supply looks really depressing now. With a thousand plus spent on my flights home, and another 600 for a skiing trip, plus a whole lot of souvenirs to bring home, I really do feel broke these days. With the decreasing temperature, the electrical bill is sure to increase this month, right until winter starts to go away. There goes more of my money. Hrmph. I miss being a pig. :(

I finally discovered the magic of the dryer! Had always thought it will make my clothes shrink, thanks to all those mini notes stuck between the seams on the inner side of the clothes that says; no dry cleaning. It is pretty much impossible to dry my clothes in this ridiculous weather. Out of desperation, I tried that dry cleaner. Thank god those clothes of mine did not shrink. :D (more electricity bill piling up. Huhu.)

Been dancing quite often lately. Not too sure why, but it does feel good. Quite recently, I even got my chance to watch the tv. HAHAHAHAHA! Yes. I find it awkward to join my housemates when watching tv, or even cooking. They both hog up the whole space, it feels like I am being the irritant whenever that happens. Haaaaaaaa. It's okay. I am happy in my own room. :)

Yes! My blogging self has returned!

And so did my kpop fanatic self. Oh boyy.

i stalk cheerleaders whenever i can.
that undying cheer spirit of mine never seems to die ever.
even when i know i am not supposed to cheer anymore
this feeling just sucks to the max.
watching my best friend cheer to her heart,
all i can do is watch and have that second hand spirit by watching them being cheer-happy.

:(

It's mother's day today.

My bizarre brain thought of my mother and my aunt. Bizarre because it made me think of how they are thinking or feeling about my grandma. Though it really is unnecessary, but some it did hit me. Is this what it really feels like? To constantly miss someone when they are no longer around anymore? Having the thought that I am thinking about my grandma, how would both my mom and aunt actually think of their mom, my grandma?

I guess I never would have realised it if I had not read a facebook status of a friend regarding how hurtful mother's day would be to her. It makes me feel like a filial child for not being able to be the daughter the society has set a figure to meet. If the world is celebrating mother's day, I can't. Not because that I am at a different place or that I chose not to, but today, I couldn't figure out, why?

If one loves their mother, should it not be an eternal love, and not something that we celebrate once a year? Why only buy mother pretty things on mother's day, when you can give her your love every other day?

Come to think of it, I never once celebrated mother's day with my mother. The distance and the age of when I was then, it didnt allow me to be with my mother and to celebrate with her. Much more to that, reading people's statuses on how mothers have sacrifice washing clothes, cleaning the house, cooking delicious food, being their personal chauffeurs, it made me wonder, is that what a mother is like?

My mother left me with my aunt, sacrificed her time with me, working around the world (literally), and here I am today, in Melbourne. She gave me a good life where I had not need to suffer when I grew up. She, was like my father.

My aunt, took me under her arms, brought me up, provided me with whatever that was necessary for me to grow up. She, was as described as everyone else, a mother to me.

I have two mothers, one blood mother, one substitute mother. Both loved me, both had brought me up as a person that I am today.

:)

The luckiest person on earth, with two lovely mothers.

When you travel alone, you would try to find a place where you need not sit beside someone you don't know. When you go into lecture halls, you try to find a place to sit, where the seats on your left and right would probably be empty. Unless. You have no choice, and you would want or need to sit, you will eventually sit with that somebody whom you don't know. Even when you need to sit with someone you don't know, you will have a look and see which 'stranger' you would sit next to.

Does it really matter, though?

It seems like some kind of innate response in every single person.

You step into a public bus, you stalk around the bus for an empty space, you survey if there is any place where it allows you to sit alone. None? You hawk around to see who you can sit with. No place to sit at all? Yipee! Gladly stand.

But what happens if you ride a public transport with at least a friend? You will only find a place, just enough for you and your friend. Odd number of friends? It's alright, you still won't mind sitting with a stranger because you know you have your friends with you. You still try not to sit with a stranger, but if you must then, you really wouldn't mind.

Amazing, isn't it?

Is it only me seeing this happen, or am I missing something?

The moment you have company, you immediately tune out the awkward feeling to sit with a stranger. Not like the stranger is all that freaky or anything, but it is somewhat of an innate action in us.

Hrmmmm.

Have been skipping Friday's lectures. Basically after three days of full classes, it feels a little too much to get myself up for a two hour lectures on a Friday. Call me lazy, but it's stats and chemistry. Not my favourite subjects, would rather stay home, get enough rest, then abuse the usage of recorded inline lectures, to catch up with my own pace. It literally feels like a Friday when I am done with 9 hours in uni on Thursdays. :( hehe.

There is something weird about me gaming here in aussie. Not too sure why, but I know I have been shivering whenever I game here at night. Was it too cold or was it cause I was too focused on the game that my brain just stopping my heart from pumping warm blood properly. O.o Quite bizarre, really. Hahahahaha! I shall need to figure out why. :P

Last class in two weeks time.
Exams in three weeks time.
Home in five weeks time.
:)

I miss blogging. :(

Haven't been able to blog as it didnt feel quite right after one whole week of academic writing (or what I call, forceful writing). Was afraid that it would affect my casual writing, thus I gave myself a break from writing. Even now, it still feels a little awkward, writing an entry in my own blog. I tend to get confused with the way I write after changing my writing styles, just to match academic writing. I suck big time at academic writing. I am more on the expressive kind when it comes to writing. :/

Been rather pinned down for the past few days, actually. With exams just around the corner, I am panicking that I may not have enough time to finish studying my syllabus. Panic. Hrmmm. I need to calm myself down.

So, for the amount of time without any expressions, I had several moments of deep thoughts. One would be closely related to 9gag's; 'not a single f*** was given that day'.

Basically, it's just a matter of people not bothering about anything that is happening around them, at all. Am actually starting to adapt myself, surrounding that concept recently. Figured that it was a waste of my time if I care that much. It really isn't a 'good friend' when you practically have no one around you to be your moral pole. If one is too self conscious in wanting not to be the weirdo society sees you, you would most definitely end up depressed. You try your best to fit in, putting up a facade image of yourself, hoping that people would accept you, but only to realise nobody actually gives a damn. What on earth for? Honestly, I may be saying this based on frustrations, but it is as honest it can be.

Reality, is that nobody gives a shit about what you so, UNLESS it is something related to them, and they have to give some thought about it.

But really, to care or not to care?

If you care, you are practically getting yourself into some trouble. If you don't care, you become the ignorant bastard everybody talks about.

I think I'd rather be the ignorant bastard. Simply because those worthless people who are calling you 'ignorant bastard', clearly don't know you enough to be calling you that. Besides. It immediately becomes a sieve that separates real friends from that whole shround of people whom you thought were your friends.

Honestly. I don't know what to feel about going home. I really do want to go home, to see how things would really turn out. Whether if it will turn our alright, or otherwise, I would still be satisfied, as it is pretty much expected beforehand. No doubt I will still enjoy myself with the love of food, everywhere. :D omg. EXCITED!!! Woohoo!!!

Hrmmm. One rather serious blogpost. Bleah. I wonder when can I regain my casual-random-blog-writing-feeling again.

It's the first of May today! Seems like a stigma for people to have a fresh new start at the beginning of something. Stigma. It never really occur to me that it is something significant enough to be excited about. One month seemed like a long time. It really does. By the next week, it will mark my 3rd month here in Melbourne. Haaaaaaaa. Right now, I am freaking out about everything. Literally.

First off, assignments. I just finished one bio essay yesterday, now I have another due Friday. Then Friday, I have another assignment that will be due the 3rd week of this month.

What I can't handle about assignments is that it takes up extra time then you would normally allocate for everything else. For example, I have 20 hours of lecture-tutorial-lab times. With an hours lecture for each lecture, it tends to get overwhelming to be absorbed, thus the necessary to do self studying. What I do, is that I write my own notes on each lecture. Since it is based on my own pace, it can take up to 10 to 15 hours of camping in the library, just to do notes according to the lecture's pace. No exaggeration there. Its just that I take time to ensure that I am sure of what was being taught.

Not to forget the other times that are needed for cooking, for doing the laundry, for cleaning the house, for doing grocery shopping, and most importantly, some leisure time. Leisure time is a must at this stage. Otherwise I would probably succumb into stress. Not the kind of person who knows how to handle stress easily, so it's best to keep stress at bay. :O Ah yes. We have online tests every week too. Mmmeeeehhhhhh.

So, once assignments come in, I tend to lose focus. Unsure to focus on the assignment of to focus on studies. That, is where I get thrown all over the place, being confused and unsure. Best part, I don't even know if I am doing it right or otherwise. Sucks big time.

2nd. Exam.
It's practically one more month from today. By right, I should start revising starting today. But we are given only one week break to prepare for the exam. Honestly, at this rate, it doesn't feel like I have enough time. What hit me was the fact that we only studied for three months, and then comes exam. Never been exposed to such packed studying period, ever. All those years, primary school : 6 years, secondary school : 3 years, 2 years. Then college : 11 months. Now? 3 months! Omg.

Though I am not too sure why am I scaring myself at this point of time. Really not a very good timing to freak out, at. all. :/

Next, winter is coming!!
Scary as hell. While everyone in Malaysia is complaining on how hot it is, I, on the other hand, am suffering with the cold. It may not be that bad, but my body seem to be intolerant of extreme temperatures. If it gets too hot, I'll get a headache, if it gets too cold, I'll get a headache too. Pretty sure it's because of the sudden change with the temperature. When you are outside, you are literally freezing (I shiver quite easily), that urge in wanting to get to a warm place is there and you would want to go and warm up somehow. Problem is, sometimes indoors are so hot, that it just makes me go dizzy. As much as my body wants warmth, my head seems to he disagreeing with it. :/ Also probable is the wind. I wish I know how to explain this, but as far as it goes, I get giddy really easily. :(

Bleahhh.

Happy first of May!
When is mother's day, though?