It feels like God is answering me.

Had been rather down for the past few days. Feeling much insecure, feeling silly if I were to complain about it all over facebook or twitter, I thought I would just let this one die out... eventually hoping that it would really die out on it's own. Probably just not quite there yet, maybe I'll get there soon enough.

Those thoughts; 'what if I had not existed, what would life be like?' came back and played little games with my mind for the past few days. It had disappeared for awhile, but my bitch mind decided to bother me with that rhetorical question out of nowhere, all over again.

As I sat down and settled for my bowl of kimchi clam soup noodle, I had the tv on with Masterchef while browsing through facebook for abit. Came to a post where someone had posted about receiving a scholarship for her education. A thought came into my mind and said, 'how on earth did she get the scholarship?'. I then asked my friend how was it possible to get a scholarship here, as an international student. It was really unfair that international students were pretty much paying 6times more than what the locals are paying. Thinking that it was rather ridiculous, maybe a scholarship would help a little. But of course, to get a scholarship, one has got to be exceptional in studies or in other fields of extracurricular activities. I, have none.

I knew well enough that my brains are incapable of attaining exceptionally good results and I have no talent to even take part in any extracurricular activities around. At that point, I thought I was pretty much a screwed up individual.

What on earth am I doing here as a person, living on the surface of the earth, with no significant purpose at all?

Knowing that it was Thursday, I decided to hog the tv and try to catch my dose of Grey's Anatomy. The girls weren't around, I had the upper hand on conquering the tv first today. hehe.

Right after Masterchef, it was Glee.
Coincidentally, this episode of Glee, included character swaps.

Tina was jealous of Rachel, due to peer pressure or somesort. Met with a mishap where she fell into a shallow pool and got hit on her head. What happened after that, was some sort of a Freaky Friday remake, Tina was Rachel for the day. EVERYBODY ELSE IN THE SHOW SWAPPED CHARACTERS TOO. It was bizarre. It was a message where it allows Tina to see what it's like being Rachel for at least a day.

What I understood from that episode was strangely connected to those ridiculous thoughts I had for the past few days.

As thought it wasn't bizarre enough, Grey's Anatomy's episode also involved 'a change in reality'. It started off with Meredith doing a monologue, going, 'what if...'. I swear this episodes is so much more weirder than the musical episode that they had before. It then went on with a whole episode of a totally different 'reality' from the original series. Meredith's mother was still alive, and dr. Webber was Mer's father. Mer's mother was the chief of the whole hospital, apparently receiving 3 harper avery's awards. Addison came back into the show and was about to have a baby with Shepherd... (LOL! grey's language here. you can totally omit this part. :P) All in all, this episode was totally whacked out.

But it did give a thought and the 'visual example' of what life would have been IF it had been different. It is still giving me thoughts about it, even now. Would have to say, it is much more than I initially thought it would be, but... I think I got a get it now...?

...

Truthfully, I still find it difficult that I am living on my own. I try to find ways to avoid all those difficulties that I may have to face eventually. Hoping that I could dodge them completely, but at least not get hit too badly by them. As time passed, I realised that there was nowhere I can run to, even if I wanted to run from it as far as I can. There was simply NOWHERE else to run to. I, am already AWAY from where I used to be.

Life would have been much better if I had no existed. I still picture how all those silly little problems that had involved me, would have not been a problem if only I had not existed.

Fact is, I do exist.

And all I have to do, is to find my purpose in this life. It is only then that it is legit that I am worth existing.

As much as I picture how things would have been likewise, things would eventually turn out the way it wants to be.

que sera sera~ whatever will be will be~ the future's not ours to see~ que sera sera~ what will be, will be.

On the sidenote: One does not tell a person who has watched the whole series while growing up, that the show is crap. NEVER.