What about me?

I have this bad habit of observing people and judging them at that instant after I was done observing. I am pretty sure I am not the only one doing this, but to some people, it is rather hypocritic.

In a way, I somehow find myself learning more about myself by doing the above. I would always compare whatever I am seeing, with who I am. At one point of time where I started to think: if people use, 'don't judge a book by its cover', then why does first impression matters the most? I am very sure I have written about this a few months ago, but that thought eventually came back and question me.

Is it a bad thing that I am judging people so much?

Maybe. But it's not like I am trying to bring down the observed's reputation or anything. It was more for my own benefit. Probably the reason to why I complain like there is no tomorrow. Yes, I may be talking about their negative sides, simply because this was what attracted me most; I didnt want to be seen like that. But I can't help it that I get jealous about them. Fact that they can do anything they want, without bothering so much about what people think of them, makes me really envious. I wanted that freedom too.

Complaints. Seems clearer to me in a way.

I know where I fall back when amongst society. But I never dared voicing out what my thoughts truly were. That fear where I would actually lose every single thing I had, or that people would think of me otherwise, it scares me. But why do I have to be so scared? Why? I don't know.

I may complain, but it is definitely not me doing the talking, it was the jealous me talking. I am never confident with what I say. I can never do a proper presentation, eventhough I knew my substance well. Stage fright? Probably more of: what are these people thinking about me? I am literally their centre of attention then, judgement is bound to happen.

I always ask people, what do you think of me? I never knew if they were telling the truth or otherwise. Only true friends could tell if it was right or wrong.

Then comes the thought: everybody is different in their own way, people will learn to accept who you are as you are.

Okay...

Am I doing too much unnecessary thinking?

One feels empowered when amongst familiar people, people who knew us.

Is that true?

:/

Sorry.