A visit to Melbourne Aquarium by myself, a trip to Melbourne Zoo on my own.. I could literally have the whole world to my own, taking my own sweet time, spazzing at the animal of my choice. Animals playing hide and seek, hiding from the heat, dozing away their boredom-ness, animals swimming round and round and round and round, cause they have nowhere else to go. If only I had gotten up earlier, then I would have more time to just sit and stare at the animals, hoping they would do something unusual.

Day in, day out, I still wonder if my decision to study Zoology would be worth my passion and time or otherwise. Reality seems to constantly tell me that I will suffer with a science degree, majoring in Zoology. Career wise, I am most definitely unlikely to earn income, but personally, it is the only thing that I know I want to do. After all, it was a decision that I made, a decision that I knew very well that I wanted to take, the decision that I thought thoroughly about. Maybe not as thorough as how others would perceive, but it was a plan that I have drawn for my own comforts.

Sure enough, the word Zoology sounded like a very interesting subject. First thought that would go through everybody's mind would go somewhere along the lines, 'So... You want to work in a Zoo?'. It does make me sound a little mean, but I always laugh at the fact that the public only knows as much of a Zoologist as the person who works in a Zoo. That sounded grammatically wrong, but my point is there. :P

It partially feels like I am living my inner child dream. As a kid, I am pretty sure we were all exposed to learn how to love animals with a simple reason, which is their adorable features. From there, we learn how to care for other beings. But as we age, we grew to be more realistic, and the animals suddenly seemed like they don't mean anything at all; we care for humans more than animals. The stigma was that anyone who cared for animals more than they cared for humans, are ridiculous or completely out of their mind. And as usual, people didn't want to feel like an outcast, they conform to the society, and there goes the compassion for animals.

I'd like to think that I am silly. For wanting to die being attacked by an animal instead of sitting on a lazy chair waiting for my heart to stop pumping. My aunt will give me that 'you're-saying-this-ridiculous-thing-now-because-you-don't-know' look, whenever I tell her that I didn't mind when she asked me what if an animal were to attack me while I spend 'studying' them.

Part of me feels like I am headed for a stumped future with my decision. With friends talking about getting scholarships to continue their PhDs, with getting work experiences and getting a steady life, prepared to settle down and getting married.. Me? It doesn't feel like I have anything to lose, as though I could afford to make any rash decision and if anything does go wrong, I have no one to blame but myself. In a way, I am being selfish. In a way, it feels like I am a child being immature and rebellious. But it is the one dream I want to live.

My passion has driven me to push boundaries, taking chances to study here in Australia where animals are cherished. Til that day when I was at the aquarium, I saw how magnificent a stingray is, then I remembered the late Steve Irwin. A passerby then came by and said while pointing at the stingray, 'Hey, you're the one who killed Steve Irwin!'. It was then that I realised how inspired I was by this great man. If is was not for him and his passion for animals that was introduced to the world, I will never know that studying animals was ever possible. His passion shone and won the hearts of millions across the globe. People got inspired by him, and I was that little girl who got inspired too. He was my idol, and without a doubt, still is my idol.

Today, I decided to do a little research on his little girl, Bindi. YouTube a little here and a little there, and stumbled upon her eulogy for her father's funeral. An incident that happened 6 years ago, I only remembered it was a great loss. But just like every other great losses we had through the years, I didn't thought it would affect me much. But today after watching that video and remembering what he has done, I cried. LOL. With that said, I really don't think there is any way for me to back out of my decision in pursuing that dream of mine.

I really want to do this. To do more research on animals and be their advocate. Even if I don't speak for them, learning more about them would be enough for me.

Like a child who refuses to grow up.

What should I talk about?

How my brain and mind has two completely different thinking of their own. One will always have the logical win, the other would have everything to consider about. What comes out of these two combined, almost never comes out right or how one would perceive as normal. If only there is a way to split the two up, or even to have a simple compromise between the two. But it almost never happens.

People would say that it is 'overthinking'. I can never agree enough. It is a constant battle between the Angel and the Devil that buzzes around on the side of my noggins. Honestly, I don't even know who wins most of the time. I for one, will know that I get frustrated at myself for thinking too much and just go on with the most recently thought plan. For example, when I am to buy an item.. A dress for instance.

Mind: ooh! Such pretty dress! Brain: isn't it pricey? Mind: but it's not like you get to find such a pretty dress that firs perfectly! Brain: you have so many dresses already. Mind: IT'S ON SALE!! Brain: when are you gonna wear that? Mind: whenever the chance comes!

My mind speaks ME, but my brain is like my inner motherly instincts that tells me, it isn't practical. As me as I can get, my mind will almost always win. Once the mind gets what it wants, the brain glares at the mind like how a mother would, and I will end up feeling guilty as ever.

It takes me ages to make my own decision. When I finally make my decision, something out there will make me feel a slight guilt in myself. Then only way I could get over this guilt, is by convincing myself that it was the best that I could do, and there was pretty much nothing else that I could do about it. Which, is the truth. Considering how I could have easily gotten myself insane just thinking about that one decision (as though it would change my life forever).

Then to think again, that one decision really could change the course of the future. What sucks most is that there is no such thing as a u-turn or any special card that can be played any given time.

What is it that I want?

Love? Attention? Care? Though sometimes, I really do feel selfish for wanting these kinda things. Besides, it's not something you can ask off a person either. If it's there, it's there, if it's not, it will never be there. When these cards come to play, my brain somehow wins over my mind big time.

Mind: ooh! Let's tell them stories about you! Brain: it's not like they will be interested. Mind: just be completely random then! Brain: what makes you think you're entertaining?

Then I'll just end up sitting there quietly, minding my own business til my brain and mind sort it out.

Even during exams, these two would still be at it.

Mind: OMG. You're not familiar with this! You're screwed!!!

At this point, my mind is in absolute control that my brain couldn't function due to the chaos that the mind made. It wasn't until the mind knew that panicking would not do any good, it begin to relax and the brain took over.

There were times where the mind was being overly confident that the brain was lacking, which resulted with relatively bad results too. LOL

The mind, as you can see, is what we all know as emotions. What we feel good with, what we want. The brain is the boring old rule book with no emotions whatsoever. It has never been an easy task to balance the two out. Feelings are what triggers memories. There is no doubt that we all want to have as many good memories as supposed to bad ones, hence the reason why we follow our heart (mind).

I don't know if I am doing the right thing, but I am hoping for the best.

Feels like I haven't been updating much on my blog. I just couldn't find the inspiration to sit, and spend a couple of hours writing to my heart's content. I miss that feeling. Where I find time for myself, time for me myself and I ultimately. All I have been thinking about for the past few months, all that has been occupying my mind for the past few weeks, just occupies my free times to myself to just sit and relax. My only escape was sleeping. It is the holidays, after all. And sleeping is the only time where I would just not think about anything, and allow my subconsciousness to take over my system for those few hours.

My drawer is filled with novels that are just waiting for me to spend time to read. But where are my time being used as? Right now, it feels like whatever I am about to say, would end up as a complaint about life in general that seems to be keeping me a buzz. True, I like that I have something to do during this long lonely summer break, but at the same time, it doesn't feel like it's for myself, it feels more like a responsibility, something that I must get my head into, something that I must accomplish before the start of the next semester.

I forsee myself to be in an epic rush for time once the semester begins. What not with my time invested with the Malaysian Society. Ultimate frisbee will end up being my hobby where I would spend time to relieve myself off everything else that could be eating my soul alive. With the decision of taking up Zoology and Physiology as my majors starting next semester, time needs to be allocated to studying. Especially when my results this semester turned out to be the awful truth about how important the amount of time and sacrifice needed to be allocated accordingly for the results to be the way it is.

Geography, Pass
Biology, Pass
Environmental Biology, Credit
Chemistry, Credit

Honestly, the moment I saw my results, I could almost cry. But I knew it was something that I was expecting, based on the amount of time that I have spent in the library, nerding it out this semester. Regrets? None. I have developed so much more in terms of social and physically. It was my lack of focus on what I needed to focus on most, education. Maybe a slight frustration in myself, knowing I could have done better, knowing this was definitely not the best that I could do, knowing that I knew where and when were the decisions that I made were wrong. I am upset at myself, disappointed. But I deserve what I deserve.

That was a big downgrade from my first semester here in Melbourne. But because I know what is affecting my academics, the only thing left is to make sure I have a proper discipline to carry on, bring me through the next year, hopefully in ease, just not another round of downgrade, hopefully. There is no way that things will be any easier that it used to be. Things has changed so much since the first day I stepped foot here. Everyday, is another new journey, I learn more by the day, I could not emphasize enough.

That difficulty in approaching random people, has diminished to almost nothing. I thank Ultimate Frisbee for that. It allowed me to meet people of all kinds here in Australia, sharing the common interest in the game of Ulti. I still wonder why I still can't find any common interest with people of the same course as I do in Uni, partially feeling like I have intentionally skipped lectures to get away from people who I see everyday, yet not a word spoken to them at all. It does feel like life tends to get a tad bit difficult when I am amongst other smart bums who were taking Science as their degree, feeling like I am there to study, for the sake of studying and there is just no fun in it.

Then again, studying, is for the sake of studying after all. It gets absolutely dry when you are studying on your own, loosing interest as it drags along. I only recalling myself talking about ultimate frisbee whenever I could. It's ridiculous. But it brings me joy, introducing the game to the ignorant world that knows nothing about it's existence. I wish I could just stop bragging about it, but there literally is nothing else I could talk about other than this.

Tassie, is a place where it is absolutely engulfed with greenery. My heart literally felt peace the moment I looked out to the hilly plains of Tassie beneath the aircraft. That sense of isolation when we landed at this little airport where there seems to be no congestion or pollution whatsoever that could be done by humans. It just felt like I could stay there for a long time, just absorbing the peace and tranquility of it all. Passing by UTAS almost every single time we left our temporary home for a visit around, made me wonder, what if I did study here in Tassie. All those greeneries, all those wildlife parks where I could have spent my hours hopefully working in.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Damnit. I should stop being delusional.

Am I bored? I think I am. Everyone I know here has already gone back home. All I see on facebook are random gatherings of outbound students who have gone home to meet up and spend time with families and friends alike. ME?! Owh.. just stuck here, minding business of my sponsorship job because everyone is back at home while keeping my fingers crossed that I get a place to live in within a month or so, otherwise I would just end up homeless. Nothing big, nothing big.

The joys of summer holidays. All I want to do, is spend a whole day in the zoo, watching animals, and then another day in the aquarium, just staring at them animals swimming about, round and round in their enclosed home. Putting myself in their shoes, I would feel sad. I just hope that they would not have developed human feelings that would make them extremely upset when they figure out that their lives would just be stuck there and there only. :O

I need a car. Would someone be kind enough to sponsor me a car and a year's supply of petrol?

Change, for the better or for the worse.

It felt like forever since I last shared my personal life here on my blog. Partially it was me trying to explore how far I could get into finding a secure spot in whatever that I was headed for, that the details of it made no sense at all, even to myself. With decisions overlapping one another, and with me having to learn to pick a priority out of the given choices. Adapting to a new life seems a little too overwhelming somehow, but I am very sure it's in a good way. Only question is if I am handling and juggling everything just as I should, or I am missing out a several key points. Plus, my thoughts that are caused by these major changes, seems really ridiculous to interpret. Most often, it ends up as a complete nonsense. Partially wishing that things could and would be easier to bear, but without difficulty there isn't much to learn from.

Being a committee member of the Malaysian Society has broaden up my social circle with fellow Malaysians both within Monash at Clayton, and also from other universities around Melbourne. I would consider myself to be the lucky one, as this would be the first time that the rest of the committee members from each and every university are beginning to work closely together, hand in hand with one another. The social circle, as well as the exchanging of wise thoughts and experiences greatly helped with me getting acquainted with my role as the Sponsorship Officer of MUMSU (Monash University Malaysian Student Union). If it weren't for these people, I am pretty sure I would crumble within the first week that my official 'work'load began. I had no prior experience to this, and I had not a slightest clue that things were this complicated within a society in a University stage. High school clearly did NOT prepare me for this. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

It was no longer a simple plan of 'okay, we wanna go here, we gonna get this, we gonna get that, we gonna pay for that, OKAY!'. Now? Everything has got to be thorough, each trip we plan we had to ensure that we could target the right amount of people to come for our events, and as big as the scale of the event would be, the higher it would cost. IF the sponsorship people like me are not doing their job properly, this society would not be able to have the green light to organise awesome events for the Malaysian community that we took the responsibility to help them feel at home. That instant when I stepped foot into MUMSU as a committee member, my mind is constantly blown by the amount of details we would need in order to keep this society running actively. Instead of only having fun, we had to put the priority of our fellow Malaysians in mind. We weren't doing this for ourselves, we were doing this for them.

Then came Frisbee. The one thing that I have been boasting about ever since I started playing. What more could I say, it has changed my life entirely. I found home within this group of people who calls themselves RunningMan. The moment when I got the call from my darling senior, she asked if I would be interested in joining her team and that they were to be making a jersey. That jersey was probably the starting point of where I felt like I truly belonged somewhere. Yes, I am silly for making a nonliving object as my evidence of security, but it served its purposes to me. Playing frisbee with them, going out on outings with them, and even travelling to Tasmania with them. That homey feeling just made me feel like I could just live with them for almost ever.

That Tasmania trip of mine would probably be one of the most things I treasured this semester. Eversince I got accepted by UTAS, I was just an inch close to becoming a student in UTAS, but Monash was the chosen decision. But I have always wondered how it would be like to experience Tassie. When they decided that they were headed towards Tassie for the holiday, I was both excited but doubtful at the same time. I felt like I should be going, as I wasn't really a part of them yet, I was still the new one and I might get lost. But everything turned out well, and it felt like it was the best combination that I had ever had, ever. I got to visit Tasmania and experience Tassie for a bit, I got to play frisbee there with them and other Tassie players, and I got to spend time with the team and get to know them better. It was only after this Tassie trip that I allowed myself to be free and just mingle around casually with them, and that I felt like I found a family away from home. :)

Though there were times where I had to pick between MUMSU and frisbee. As of now, I know I would give Frisbee as a priority, while everything else could just line up behind. But of course, the responsibility as a committee member outweighs my priority sometimes. When I had to choose between the two, my heart would be completely torn, my heart wanting to be with the frisbee team, but I know I have to be elsewhere to do important things for the people.

Every meeting, is equally as important. Every meet up, is equally necessary.
One is for the mentality, one is for the emotions.

On the side note, the time I have for myself has depleted drastically from the time that I was still a complete nerd. Results will be releasing.. tomorrow? And I really have very little expectations from it. Whatever that comes, I will have to accept, as I know it had been a drastic change for me ever since this semester started, and it was the best I could do (except not attending alot of the lectures).

Also, I am pretty sure I have neglected a handful of friends back home in Malaysia too. I used to give them a call once in awhile, but.. whatever I say next will only be an excuse. :(

I have completely stopped cooking too. Not even cleaning my room as often as I should either. Have been spending alot of time and trips to and from the city.

This is still only the beginning, challenge really starts next year when the semester begins again. This time, there is no way I could slack in my studies in any given way, while maintaining my non-lecture activities. Plus, I will be moving out, hopefully to a place that is nearer to uni, then it would not give me an excuse to skip lectures. HEH.

I finally saw a FULL rainbow. Tassie.. :')