I actually can't believe I spent the entire semester not playing ultimate at all.

Literally saying, I stopped playing ultimate until I-dont-know-when. I am itching to play again though. But at the same time, I know that if I start again, I have a whole lot of work to do.

Beginning of the semester, I was trying my luck in trying to play with the best team that monash could put out for league. I knew that if I did get that spot, I would feel the need to push myself harder in wanting to improve myself and maybe actually aim to be in the team for AUG. But of course, I didn't make the cut and was placed in the second team. Knowing myself, I'd definitely wouldn't be stuffed about pushing myself any harder than I already was. So instead of taking the spot, I decided to let it go and focus more on my studies.

Right now, I could tell that if I actually made it to div 1, I would probably be highly driven to aim for AUG. The last time I had training was mid January with Honey which was really amazing, but I had to disappear for a month and didn't feel like going back to slow down their progress. :/

I literally spent my entire semester worrying about my future and working through my assignments. Kinda regret wanting to take Physiology as an extra major. Fingers crossed it'll pay off in the end.

Can't say I belong to Monash ulti, can't say I belong to Melbourne ulti either.
Maybe I got myself into this little mess. Yet it worked out so well for me last year, but why is it this year that everything is so wonky? :(

That disconnection is uncomfortable to me and unclear to everyone else.

It's a little ridiculous to know that I might actually drop another passion of mine.

I need to stop doing that. Australia Zoo, here I come? 

System override.

I know I barely had much sleep last night worrying about today. Got up this morning and immediately went for class. Turns out class wasn't really a class, ended up doing my assignment and forgotten about lunch. Had another lab session where it had presentations while I was an audience. Tea break in the middle of that section, drank a cup of tea. Then in the cbd, I worked on my assignment in Starbucks with a cup of hot chocolate while I wait for my time to attend that 'club talk' for ultimate. Had two cups of tea and several bites of cupcakes while listening to the talk.

No clue what I just said. But I am tired. I think there's too much 'excitatory synapses' in my brain due to the high intake of caffeine and sugar today.

Assignments still not done, but I really am going to crash any moment now.. :(

It's the last day of sem 1 tomorrow.
The only thing I remember about this semester is me worrying about every little thing, crying at everything and trying to deal with my assignments. No fun times. Just me giving myself a hard time. :(

I just need to sleep it off now. My head feels like it could explode anytime.

I hope he comes home soon, so that I can have my warm and comforting hug before I sleep.

I think the fight between ants and termites, is pretty gruesome.

I really am living in my own world now.
The only thing I have left is the unknown future.

There are two kinds of people;

One who are genuinely happy,

The other who would rather vomit blood.

I feel so much better when I do things for other people than for myself.

:/

Can I has your attention, please? :(

Science degree has me..

feeling like I won't get anywhere once I am done with this.
LOL. I've actually nerded enough to attend some of the science talks, and every assignment I do in year 3 requires me to do background research on past researches that had been done in order to complete them assignments. I can't tell you how much I have learned from all these small researches that I have done, they just made me feel like I am one heck of a dumbass science student. But it does make me feel a little smart when 9gag posted some animals-sciency stuff and they just talk nonsense about it just because they think they found something cool. THAT's the only one time that I find my scientific skills were actually useful in someway. BUT MAN.. how am I supposed to go any further than where I am now. I can't even write a proper scientific report with proper references and in depth studies and stuff. Though I believe arts studies have it worst with 3-4 thousand words of essay per assignment. But wow.. I don't know..

Those people who actually have a presentation of their studies sounds like they are really clever and they know what they are doing. I know nuts. :(

Apparently I need to read more. Still don't know how to find the time to sit and read though. aihh..

How often do I actually dress up for an occasion?

It's like when an eclipse happens. That's how often I dress up properly.

Friday, 30th of May 2014.
The day when I have two massive assignments due, the last day of my year 3 sem 1, the day where my beau asked me to be his plus one for his ultimate awards/celebration night. :)

*fingers crossed that I survive til then*

Honestly, I don't want to graduate.

As in, I don't want to attend my own graduation ceremony. 3 years of uni and I've always been a little annoyed at graduations. Yes, it may be one of my happiest days, a proud moment to share with people who are truly appreciate that moment where I actually graduate.

But I don't want to.

First off, I have to pay a ridiculous amount of money just to rent the robe and to walk down the stage and have a handshake with the dean(?) and then walk away.

Next, I have to wait super long for my turn to walk up the stage and wait super long for the ceremony to be over and done with.

Official graduation photos will cost a bomb.

I must return my robe within a certain time, because other people needs to rent the robe from uni too.

Then I need to dress up properly for my 'special' day. (Which I feel isn't really that special because a whole bunch of people will also be graduating)

But ultimately, I don't want to graduate is because I am afraid that nobody will turn up. I have been to enough graduations to see how important they were to at least a group of friends and also their family members. Friends and family would travel distances and spend a significant amount of time waiting there just to have a photo with the graduate, some may even stay to have dinner together. It seems like a grand celebration. Something really important to them.

Me? I have a feeling that if I do graduate, it will be a waste of money because it will only be for myself.

I'd rather spend that money on a trip, really.
I want to have a grad trip to Cairns, where the Great Barrier Reef is. Or maybe a short trip to Antarctica where I get to see nature and animals just the way they are. :)

You know what's nice?

Hearing someone calling your name with a smile, all so excited to see you again. Have a little chat, 'how have you been?' or even just a hug.

It makes everything feel better almost instantly. ♡

Maybe it is true that I am overreacting.

But why can't I? there isn't a rule about how humans should live their lives. People like doing things as they like, people say things as they feel like it. But why must I feel punished for expressing my own thoughts and feelings as I like?

RIGHT THERE! http://9gag.com/gag/aPv05EB?ref=android.s

Fabricated lifestyle.

Honestly I can't help but to reread what people have posted on my Facebook announcement. Never have I seen such meaningful messages in my timeline of Facebook. Even though I know that people are constantly publishing happy moments of their lives, people will also 'like' your shared happy moments. But what if you're not happy? People don't like unhappiness. You get told off to be stronger, you will be dubbed as an attention seeking whore, you also get ignored.

Hrmmm.. I can feel like I have built my personality based on what the society shapes a person to be. I would say that I had no strong base personality where I am confident with my decisions and that I am lacking with self confidence. Even when I know I am right at something, I could somehow believe that I am altogether wrong and was never right to begin with.

Being human is subjective. There is no marginal differences that could compare you with somebody else. Everyone is equal but different in some way.

I can't hide and pretend that I am not happy with what is happening in the society. But people will be people. It's something that I have to learn to accept.. right?

Mann. Growing up just messes with me even more. I wish I had grown to love myself and be content with who I am when I was younger. Right now its just a battle against myself.

Also, I believe that there is something not quite balanced in my brain. Like physiologically, not psychologically.

Wouldn't it be amazing to be given the opportunity to do a research based in Antarctica?

So close, yet so far.

Cut ties.

If they don't reconnect, then it's meant to be.

I dreamt that I was a performer.

And in my dream, I know that some of the poor 'actors' were randomly picked up and forced to be in the show not knowing what to expect. Somewhat part of the show where they get raw emotions out of these actors. Once we were done with the show, these actors will line up shaken and confused while one of the production people will walk along the line and ask them how much they would like to be paid. I whispered to those who were in my 'performance' that they should go big.

It then continued with me walking to the lifts, trying to figure out where my room is. I fumbled through a couple of floors before realising which card of mine was the room key. I remember finally getting to my room and it was a massive suite. I remember that lonely feeling I had but at the same time I knew I was doing well with my career, I should just push on.

* Back to reality, I am aware that I am dreaming and I can choose to wake up if I wanted to. But often of times, I'll continue sleeping on just to see where the dream brings me. It is sort of like a little companion I have and a place where I can escape to when I have pretty much nothing going on in reality. I have stronger feelings and emotions in my dreams than when I am awake. I sometimes feel that dreaming makes me more of a human than when I have my eyes open. *

Another dream of mine that I remember from more than a month ago, was really interesting.

I was in the body of a little boy about the age of nine or ten. He was going through an operation and the thoughts and the things he sees were something really gruesome that it is quite a scare if it was a real thing.

The massive operation was done where the psycho surgeon took the skin off the boy's father and internal organs out of the boy's mother alive before transplanting into this little boy's body in order to save his life. The scene was similar to a butcher where his parents were hung from the arms and were hanging into space below them. The boy did not see all of these torture that has happened to his parents, but somehow my dream had a scene of that.

What was worst is that this boy has woken up and he can feel this excruciating pain in his abdomen. Funny part about this is that I could feel his pain too. Whether or not I was hurting in reality, I wouldn't have known.. but I definitely felt it. As this little boy was pushed out of his operation room, he looked to his left and saw two glass window panels that separates him with the people on the other side of the room. In that room, he saw two girls screaming in pain. Somehow he was moving slow enough to see everything where he saw one of the girls tore her abdomen apart because she could no longer stand the pain as a person dressed in the surgeon uniform was trying to stop her from pulling herself apart. After she had pulled her abdomen apart, the uniformed person injected the girl and she just fell motionless on the table. While the boy was cruising past the second panel of glass window, he saw another girl experiencing the same thing. Except she had more uniformed people around her and they were trying to pin her down. Both the girls were screaming as though they were losing their minds due to the pain.

At this point, I somehow merged bodies with this boy. I could feel the pain in my tummy but I knew he was battling hard with himself wanting to pull himself apart just because he couldn't stand the pain but he knows whether by pulling it out or leaving it in, he was going to die in the end.

I woke up. I couldn't stand the pain that he was feeling. That feeling sort of taunted me for quite some time too.

* Good morning. *

I really am struggling to find my place in this world.

I hate having lunch.

I don't know what to eat, and eating makes me feel like I am wasting precious time. But dinner will always be an exception. I sort of figure out that if I starve myself enough, then dinner will be worth all the money spent on instead. Also, I can splurge on dessert after dinner.

Hrmm.. doesn't make any sense, does it?
Owells. A fulfilling dinner makes me happy. Especially when its with dessert. :)

I still feel bitter thinking about the friends that have stepped out of my life. It made me feel as though no one will ever be a permanent resident in my life ever. Sounds dramatic, but it isn't something easy to shake away either.

Pretending that it doesn't bother me, running away from the matter has always been the way that I function. It is difficult for me to understand that sometimes things just happen just because it has to happen and that there was nothing I could possibly do to change it. I would always feel like I have to take responsibility and the blame regardless. Unless when I know it really isn't my responsibility and that I know that I have established that mindset in me that it has nothing to do with me, I will be defensive.

I don't make sense huh? I'm confused too.

It is a fear of being left alone and a mixture of partial insecurity. I can't handle the fact that of people not being in my life in person. They tell me that it isn't necessary for friends to meet up and talk all the time, but my mind is telling me otherwise. I can feel like I won't be accepted for who I am when I truly reveal myself these days. All I can do is make jolly small talks and move on with my life. There is nothing where I could hope for, to look forward to. Everything seems.. bland and meaningless..

I hope that this is just another shell to break out from. Fingers crossed, maybe?

Well.. I live for my own life right? But I'd like to live my life for someone or something that is worth giving my time to. I know that makes me the happiest.

I fell asleep as I was typing my previous post.

I personally feel like whatever bad thing that happens to me, would be something that I deserve. Be it me being careless or not looking out properly. It is difficult for me to comprehend that things happen just because it happened.

I don't even know what to say or feel. But I definitely am annoyed that I have to go through all that hassle to make new copies of my official transcripts of my identity. *wow. Being a human can be such a pain sometimes..* Could I have prevented the event where I "lost" my purse, or was it pure bad luck that it just disappeared. Rhetorical, I know. Thanks for making do more work to despise humans even more, you unfortunate event. I wasn't even asking for it. Like why not give me something when I am actually asking for it and give me something that I totally deserve, eh? Grrr.

I even went and got myself a refund for getting overcharged on one of my purchases. That purse must have been juju-fied. I swear clumsiness would actually save myself from losing my purse today. Okay.. I don't make sense anymore. Just absolutely annoyed at the moment. Like really really really annoyed.

I doubt I dropped it though. I remember putting my purse into my bag! Just before I went to the toilet at that restaurant! I SWEAR THAT COMPARTMENT WAS CLOSED WHEN I WAS LEAVING THE RESTAURANT TOO.

Sad and annoyed.

Black Mirror taunted me.

It's just another tv drama series but it brought impacts on me that all I have left in me were questions that had no answers to.

I have been off Facebook for more than a week now and it feels rather odd. Partially it is because I have been dependent on Facebook as my source of information for my course units on how the assignments should be done. Other part of me just liked loathing on others misfortunes or odd doings and thoughts.

I swear people would just assume that I have left groups and assume that I just wasn't interested of being a part of them or they just didn't even realize my disappearance.

Right now I am really just trying to focus on getting myself together and hopefully pull through this semester just fine. Social Media induced depression has definitely gotten into me. It certainly has. The loneliness screams in my mind as I wander amongst these social media connectivity. Understanding, isn't as simple as