I still feel bitter thinking about the friends that have stepped out of my life. It made me feel as though no one will ever be a permanent resident in my life ever. Sounds dramatic, but it isn't something easy to shake away either.

Pretending that it doesn't bother me, running away from the matter has always been the way that I function. It is difficult for me to understand that sometimes things just happen just because it has to happen and that there was nothing I could possibly do to change it. I would always feel like I have to take responsibility and the blame regardless. Unless when I know it really isn't my responsibility and that I know that I have established that mindset in me that it has nothing to do with me, I will be defensive.

I don't make sense huh? I'm confused too.

It is a fear of being left alone and a mixture of partial insecurity. I can't handle the fact that of people not being in my life in person. They tell me that it isn't necessary for friends to meet up and talk all the time, but my mind is telling me otherwise. I can feel like I won't be accepted for who I am when I truly reveal myself these days. All I can do is make jolly small talks and move on with my life. There is nothing where I could hope for, to look forward to. Everything seems.. bland and meaningless..

I hope that this is just another shell to break out from. Fingers crossed, maybe?

Well.. I live for my own life right? But I'd like to live my life for someone or something that is worth giving my time to. I know that makes me the happiest.