I seem to have better grasp of my emotions now.
Maybe because I know it affects him in a rather negative way.
If it's detrimental to him on the surface, surely it's even worse in my own self.

Here's a milestone for myself!

This is the me today.

http://www.lifehack.org/297304/19-real-life-examples-extroverted-introvert-you-dont-get-confused

I wish the Happy things affect me as well as Sad things do. It's ridiculous how the sad things affect me so much that I could just stop functioning immediately, this feeling then swallows me whole and stay with me for as long as it likes.

and Happiness only stays for awhile.

Happiness is more like a friend of mine, she doesn't stay, she only comes around and say hello and then disappears again.

Sadness is like my life, she stays by me like my shadow, she stares down into my soul and remind me of how much of a failure I am, she tells me that I don't deserve to be happy.

Happiness will come by once in awhile to give me a glimmer of hope and light, that not all my hours will be filled with Sadness. Happiness tells me that Sadness may stay by my side all the time, but it doesn't mean I have to feed it.

I think that if Happiness doesn't come by as often, I might think the world is a horrible place.

Sometimes I feel sad that Sadness is always with me instead of Happiness.
I question why Happiness doesn't stay..

If I was 5, I might say that Happiness is busy sharing her beautiful soul with everyone else in the world for they too need a glimmer of hope in light in their life too.

But I am 22, I'd like to believe that my Happy spirit is going around sprinkling her happy glow onto others while she's away while Sadness just grew on her own to be a miserable shadow.. huh

I feel very attracted to Sadness, I feel compassionate for Sadness.. I wish I could have Happiness around to cheer her up, to elevate her from all the gloom that she has swelled upon.

Unemployed
But content.

I feel like I have everything I could possibly want.

Anything more would feel greedy.

My SNSD list

I feel like I need to keep one of these somewhere. Since my blog has been surviving so much of my days, I strongly believe this will be a good place to keep it :D

SO!

It has been very long since I last rambled about SNSD in my life as a whole. I remember I was in Sydney managing a team of 20 for Melbourne Uni Ultimate Frisbee AUGs. I was there sitting in front of the van with Jinwei by my side and I could not contain how upset I was when I found out there was a controversy with Jessica leaving SNSD. Being the girl who has loved SNSD from the very beginning, it was very hard to accept that SNSD was no longer a 9 girl group.

Fast forward 10 months, I still could not accept the fact that SNSD is now a 8 girl group. Their single 'Catch Me If You Can' made me want to cry a heaps load, especially when I discovered one with Jessica in it. 'Party' was a brand new start for SNSD as a 8 girl group. I wasn't quite pulled by the idea of 8 still. But I know a whole part of me still loves SNSD for whoever they are. I will always love Jessica, feel sad with thoughts like 'ah, if Jessica was here'. There's still 8 other members who I have love..

I remember my favourites from when I first started with SNSD
SooYoung
Yuri
Yoona
Sunny
^one by one through the year. I fell in love with Sunny when she was a member of chon chun bul pae (Invicible Youth - I had to wiki this because I couldn't remember the english name LOL)
Then TTS came out, I moved from SeoHyun to Tiffany to now, TaeYeon.

Kid Leadar! <3

AND THEN..

the purpose of this blogpost for myself
What albums of SNSD do I actually have?

k- Into The New World
k- Girls' Generation
k- Gee (I LOST THIS ONE)
k- Tell Me Your Wish
k- Run Devil Run
k- Hoot
k- The First Asia Tour: Into The New World
k- The Boys
j- Girls' Generation
k- Twinkle (TTS)
k- I Got a Boy
k- Mr. Mr.

Need to buy:
j- Girls' & Peace
j- Love & Peace
k- Holler (TTS)
k- LION HEART

Lion Heart reminded me why I loved SNSD in the first place. :)

It is difficult to live a life not knowing HOW.

Right or wrong, nobody knows.

The only thing to know is the feeling that you get after doing that particular thing. Say if you feel good about it, then I suppose it should be right. But if it feels bad, does it really mean is wrong though?

Winter really is a horrible season. Everything about it makes me feel negative. My body functions differently and I could not push myself as hard as I'd like to. Then I get confused on whether I am making excuses to not push any harder, or if I really am finding it difficult to perform at my peak.

I don't think it's a question I have an answer to.

Life is rather confusing. I think I need a therapist.

As much as I have lost, I have gained so much more than what I have actually lost.

I gained companion.

I gained deserving love.

I gained honesty.

I gained respect.

I gained self respect and confidence.

I gained knowledge about myself.

Life changed so much in such a short amount of time. It's amazing how every spectrum shifted; familiar became unknown, undiscovered becomes reality.

I am not the same person as I am just within a year. But if you stood by and watched me grow, you would have loved me even more. I know I am capable of so much more, I just needed that time, space and love (support) to grow.

But you're 20 now, that's what adulthood does to you; no acknowledgement, torture and pain. You just need to dig inside of you hard enough to find that piece of inner peace and blossom from there. Love grows if you allow it to. Love, is peace.

Every now and then I question what I eat and what I have become out of my diet. Not much, other than I am losing weight by the day. Is it possible to lose more now? The day when I hit 50kg was a glorious day, it made me really happy and everyone around me who noticed the change was happy too..? No. They told me I needed to eat more, gain a little bit more weight and I would be perfect! But why perfect?

I lost appetite almost immediately. I knew I didn't intend to gain weight, it was the culture difference and the excitement of new food that got me eating almost anything that was placed in front of me. First year in a different country, that was the change and everything was exciting.  Whether the food was bad, I wouldn't have known because I just wanted to try EVERYTHING!

But what happened?
I think university and life happened. Everything was going into a autopilot now. I knew what was good and what wasn't good for my palate. I also discovered that good food costs double of what mundane food would cost. Alternative was cooking and that was time consuming. So, I started eating less food, more 'junk' food if you must say. But food in general doesn't interest me as much as it used to.

You know what's worst? Nobody could ever stop talking about how skinny I am! Imagine meeting somebody and the first thing they mention is your body figure. Flattering, but you know it doesn't end well; 'you need to eat more', 'why are you eating', 'no money to buy food?'.

*why is it that I am so bothered by what people have to say about me? I don't know, maybe you can tell me why would you actually ask that kind of question, ey?*

Though present day, I do cook more often. But my interest in food is sort of the reason why I am refusing to eat most of the time. I really want to eat something good, but the money I have to pay for it doesn't quite justify the value. Current mentality is that: if its not worth the money, don't spend it, don't eat it. I try to remind myself that I need to eat, but I just don't know how!

In case you're wondering if I am worried about my weight at all, I am. I am worried that I am way below the recommended BMI that somewhere in my body, its weakening some functions. If you think that I am losing weight because I think I am fat, I am not. I just don't know how to make myself eat food normally.

It really is a struggle.

I am not proud being skinny, but I have definitely accepted that I have this body. Some people make remarks of jealousy saying, 'unlike you, you don't ever have to worry about getting fat! The moment I eat this and I'd explode into a pumpkin'.

Sigh. You don't know my pains. But I'll let you have your moment of self pity.

I was scrolling through Instagram like I do every morning, then I saw a post from megturney and she was posing for a playboy photoshoot. It wasn't her first time, and I somehow didn't quite like the way she portrayed herself to the public with those kind of photos.

I didn't understand my hate, it was absolutely unnecessary. So I questioned, 'why do people like taking photos of their body' and I found this link:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/10760753/Why-we-really-take-selfies-the-terrifying-reasons-explained.html

It made sense. I remember taking selfies thinking how almost everyone takes selfies and churns out well received profile photos or even just a mere post by itself. It seemed as though those likes measured the person's popularity or how 'pretty' she seems. I remember the process of taking selfies, taking a minimum of three shots to a maximum of 'oh my god, I'm never getting this amazing selfie shot' and eventually give up. Even sometimes when I feel satisfied with the selfies I took, the people who followed me didn't seem to agree. The result with my posts aren't great, it got me even more confused; what is it that they have that I am lacking? Was it because I wasn't pretty enough? Was this really a bad shot? How are they getting so much likes and comments?

It's almost like a 1 out of 10 published photos where I get more likes than the others and I have no idea why. Then I started to think in the 'popular' perspective, what are the likes making them feel. Are they really who they are if not for the 'likes' that they've been receiving?

I noticed that I have been deleting photos that didn't surpass 10 likes in Instagram. But I also realize, people will only like your photo when it comes to their feed and it's very unlikely that they will tap on your profile and scroll through your timeline to appreciate what you've posted up. Maybe it's my morale where people should show a little more effort than to blatantly touch and go in your life to be significant enough to be a part of your life. It sounds out of context, but if you understand what I mean, then maybe you're different from the rest of the pack.

I struggled to find myself in the middle of this social media mess that is all about likes and comments that determines who you are in their lives. An empty comment that goes: 'so pretty!' would seem deceiving (I mean, LOL is used but the person sending it to you is probably typing that with a blank face). But we humans live on compliments to be accepted by the society.

Living without social media is difficult too, because it seems like its the only platform that makes communication much easier than actually meeting up and talk. We've moved from proper paper/face to face invitation to a mere event invite on Facebook. You comment and share your thoughts, ideas and opinions on Facebook so much easier than to speak of it when you're with a group of people. You banter and frame somebody with ease on Instagram, just because it's easier to do that online instead of being truthful.

After two months of not being on Facebook, I finally logged back into it for half a day and I hated every moment about it. It just flushed me with hatred towards everyone. One reason I say that is because I wasn't sure if they were real people or people who have been altered because of the likes.

:)

@>~-

Why I don't eat lunch

I don't want to eat by myself. It makes me feel lonely.

But not only because of that.
I seem to have figured out what works best for my body! Hooray for that nutrition unit I had in my final semester. 😊

On Sundays when we have trainings in the afternoons, I noticed that I would crave for meaty meals. No rice, just plain meat.

On Mondays, we have leagues at night and I would crave for a late lunch loaded with rice.

On days where I have nothing to do, I will have something light and simple to just give my stomach a little something to deal with.

Some days, I would just roll around in bed until it's dinner time where my body will turn absolutely jelly and my vision takes awhile to restore.

I have low blood pressure, getting up after sitting down will result with blackout visions. That is quite a problem if I were to be out and about doing stuff, imagine sitting down for a rest and then seeing a disc coming your way, you need to get up to catch that disc but your vision is just blacked out you could no longer see where the disc is. So I guess now eating was the only way I could prevent having such problems with my sight.

Though to be fair, by not eating lunch I save heaps of money. I am not trying to lose weight, it is the last thing I would want to do. But by not eating, I am also making my blood pressure drop because of the lack of sugar moving through my body. No food, no sugar.

So the diet goes as it is and I noticed how my body responded to it. Here's what nutrition class taught me:

Instant energy: sugar
Sustainable energy: meat (protein)
Long term sustainable energy: rice (carbs)

Explanatory for my 'other day' food intake, where I don't really need the energy and I only need just enough so that my blood is circulating okay. My stomach will just absorb the sugar easily and my body will be supplied with sugar wherever that is needed.

As for my 'Sunday' routine, I needed more energy because I need to run in about an hours time after food intake. Meat is easier to break down and it contains more energy than sugar, which will give me enough energy to be running around after a short digestive period.

RICE though.. It's a food where I need most time to digest. Its a bigger protein that meat and it will require more energy to break down. I would avoid eating this if I know I need to run in the next hour or so. But it provides the most energy out of all three, which is sufficient because I not only need to burn energy to run, but I need to burn more to keep my body warm in this cold Melbourne winter. I would also prefer eating rice as the final meal of the day (dinner) because it makes me feel tired and I could just lay around and rest at night after dinner anyways. Right now, I've just finished a lunch meal with rice and boy I really can't do anything at the moment.

Oh right, and carbs are the ones that makes you feel full fastest. So if you ever go for buffets, eating meat and seafood first would be the best idea, try avoiding rice, potato, starchy based stuff. Eat as much dessert as you can! But don't forget to exercise to burn it all off, otherwise DIABETES and OBESITY...

Don't eat fat please. They do you no good.

I guess I can't say I don't eat lunch. I do eat lunch, but they are more of munchies rather than a full meal. I'd also get really disappointed if dinner is bad. Because dinner is pretty much the only meal I look forward to everyday!

So.. What's for dinner?

It was a miserable weather tonight. If I had the choice, I would have just cuddled Pengy and stay warm in bed. Though to be honest, that choice was given to me rather readily more than a couple of times too. But I sat there in the car for twenty minutes, psyching myself up, debating hard if I wanted to be out there playing in a horrible weather, or be a coward and stay in the car and be warm.

I went out anyways. I guess I wanted to prove myself wrong, that I can actually survive this horrible weather. I knew by taking the step out of the car was already a good enough effort on my behalf and would have been proud. But it went even more than that. My self motivation somehow just kicked in and I went above and beyond what I expected myself to do.

But of course, I was told to take off my winter jacket and join the team for training. I refused, there was no way I could do anything without my winter jacket in the bitter cold weather. Then I realized that I wasn't able to catch a lot of discs that were thrown to me. Disappointed, I kept trying anyways. It could be my jacket that was slowing me down, or maybe I just wasn't 'warmed up' enough yet.

After training ended, I took the opportunity to throw with someone to get my catches on. I was also told to make sure I catch all my discs. Hurhhhhh.. I took that in and I continued my throwing sets.

Game time, somehow I was pumped up to do my best today. I really don't know what has gotten into me. I probably haven't felt like this in a long time and it felt really good. It made me work really hard and I just wanted to work with the team as much as I could. There maybe a few throwaways, but I didn't feel frustrated or angry. It somehow feels like I have been elevated in some way, it's strange, but it's nice.

I am very proud of myself today. I did a lot of things that I would never thought I had the courage to do. :)

Also, I have determined that I get high after every game of ultimate frisbee. Doubt it works for tournaments though, but definitely Monday leagues so far. 😂

Ps: omg. Mids. Wow. #upgrade
Umbilical is so hard. I died. But I did amazing, so.. #yeay

5 months ago I was terrified of becoming useless, afraid to see that becoming a reality.

Today, I loathe at the fact that I am enjoying life with nothing to do or worry about.

Well, a voice in my head is telling me that I really don't deserve 'enjoying my life' just yet. There's so much I could achieve. If only I tried. I want to talk to somebody about my thoughts, where I won't be judged at all because the only voice I am hearing is me telling me how useless I am. There's a lot of negativity in this voice in my head, no positivity at all. It's definitely winning against my will to dampen it. Yeah.

I am very confused.

I really don't know what to do with my life! 😐

Strange how your closest buddy doesn't need to know how exactly you're doing. If you feel like its necessary to share, you'll just share whatever you feel like sharing. You spare unnecessary and unhappy faff from each other because they aren't that important or necessary.

'Friends' first question: how's life?
How do you even answer that? I mean sometimes things are hard to discuss and the fact that you haven't been talking for awhile, it just makes it that much harder to open up and share moments.

Awkward conversations where I'd try my best to avoid being part of because it makes me feel so much more horrible about myself; I have yet to figure myself out, let alone my life. How do you open up such a heavy topic with a 'friend'? I didn't quite want to be reminded about how horrible my life has been, but its the only thing I think of when people asks me that question as a conversation starter.

:/

Avoid, be honest or lie?

I also don't think people are actually that keen about me, when they ask 'how's life?' because I know it's purely for a conversation and that's about it. They're probably not going to remember much other than the awkward feeling I'd give them when I answer honestly.

Until I figure my life out, it's going to be a whole lot of awkwardness.

Hello bloggy,

I missed you. It's been rather lonely, but I am slowly getting used to it (or at least I hope). What is happening to me? I kinda wish there was a direct path towards how I should live my life. I would laugh at how silly I was to think that I am prepared for whatever life would throw at me. Well, reality is that I am at shock of how useless I am at life after university.

Little things seem to impact me rather strongly these days too; friends bringing up questions like 'what's up with you now?' and conversation with friends about life in general. I started question my every single thoughts and reason for my purpose in life.

I get really jealous of people with jobs too. Silly me, I know. But I question, 'what is it that they have, that I don't which allows them to get a job so quickly after graduation'. Though truthfully, I am probably only comparing against those who has live happening for them without really feeling bad for those who are still jobless.

Do you think it's my personality that doesn't quite fit a job requirements or is it my lack of experience? I barely have any confidence in myself, I don't quite know how to break out from my shell in order to get somewhere to even have a start in my life path.

Dreams only come true if you work you way towards it.

Would you consider me going back to study, some what like I am giving up on this 'job search stress'? Would you consider this thought as giving up on life altogether?

I'm feeling very lost. :(

But I found love within me, so that's nice.

Am I the only one in this situation or is this situation mostly a topic normal people would avoid to talk about in general? I had a dream and a plan on how I would want to live my life after graduation. But I guess I fell short. Somehow all those 'experience' I've gained through my undergrad seems useless now as I couldn't even land a part time/ casual job. Quite depressing if you ask me. I am starting to doubt my own capabilities, of what I once could have done but they are worthless now.

What am I doing wrong?
I am actually rather clueless, unsure of the directions I should be taking in order to achieve a footstep closer to my dream goal. Right now everything seems impossible. It feels as though I don't fit in this real world at all. Is this another step I need to absorb and digest before I can advance towards that job i've always wanted to do.

I know, there's no way a dream would come through if no hard work and sacrifice is put into. But really though, the question now is: what exactly do I need to do?

Hrmmmmmmm...

On days like these, I really need an extra boost of positive energy to at least get me out of the bed.

I can't have meals by myself.
It makes me feel very sad.

Here's why I 'burned' you.

Sometimes I wonder what has gotten into me.

Then I realize its the sense of anonymity whereby it allows a person to say nasty things to people online, thinking they don't actually know they are. It seems that I have adopted this cyber bullying behavior whereby I post nasty things onto people's Instagram post whom I don't really know, and mention 'thoughtful' things about the photo. People in general wouldn't like it. I know, I very well know people don't. However, some part of me just wanted to put my piece of mind out there. Possibly just so I could be heard.

But of course, that's just not the right thing to do. I understand that people will feel angry or upset at the things that I post. Though it really fuels me up when I know that I manage to annoy them. It's like the best reward I can get for being mean.

Before you start piling up your hate on me. Please understand that I know what I am doing and it really is just me making people annoyed. I know what it feels like to be hampered online for no good reason. And I really am aware that this behavior should not be encouraged.

Though really. I need a job. I have too much time in hand..

But anyways, I don't expect people to like me. If you're going to say, 'you need to change your attitude and behavior'. I would not disagree with you.

Let's just put in this way, I used to be the girl who was afraid of everything. Something happened along the way, and now I am feeling fearless. I'd make people hate me on purpose, I'd actively decide that some people are not worth spending time on, I'd make other people feel horrible whenever I feel like it. I could feel as though I finally found my voice and the power to change whatever I wish to be different.

Being nice in general is difficult. But if I want to, I can. Just not at the moment. I just hate everything about people right now.

It will be some time again before I shift gears to a different personality. But until that happens. This will be it.

3 months in.
Still no clue with what to do with my life.

Achievements 2014
- organize trip for 40 to Phillip Island
- intern at Zoo Negara
- managed AUG team
- volunteer Melb Hat
- graduated uni
- played an entire season of APL
- had 2 'parties' at my house with people other than my housemates
- used my bikini for weekly swims
- finished 2 books in a month

Places visited 2014
- Gold Coast
- Brisbane
- Sydney
- Canberra
- Auckland, nz
- Ayers Rock (Uluru)

Musicals
- wicked x 2
- les miserables

Quotes:
"OMG! What if we fall out?"
"Ooft!"

Watched Bachelor last night. Wondered how dumb people can be. For the first time in the history of The Bachelor the show ended with a realistic couple but the audience was full of dumb people, including past "contestants". The entire audience looked at the 'winning couple' like they are crazy. The host was freaking out that there was no 'love confession' even though they have been dating for 4 months after the show.

Omg.

TV is killing humanity!