Haven't been working for about three months now, feeling all sorts of feeling at the moment.

I do feel like there is nothing left for me to do as I have already achieved whatever I really want to achieve. Maybe because I don't aim for a lot or that I want to be the best at what I do. I am okay being average. I just need to find something that I truly connect and find my self worth doing.

I do feel like there is more out there about myself to be discovered. So much interest, but which one do I want to make a reality that would help pay to feed my own mouth.

Painting my own nails have been very entertaining. It keeps me occupied for about 4 to 5 hours in a day, which is quite a large chunk of time. I get very satisfied with my effort too! The sparkles and the glitter that would last me a couple of days, a week if I am lucky. The excitement of trying something new after the current one falls off, keeps me excited, keeps me going, keeps me exploring.

That's not a job that would feed my mouth though. I still need to practice a lot too. Hrmm..

What to do, what to do.

Standing at the entrance of Topshop, $30 $20 50% 70% signs all over, I can't help but to feel absolutely poor.

What is this sorcery that is happening before my eyes?

Clothes that are not of any purpose but purely fashion. I then caught myself googling "Fashion thoughts" and found "Fashion as a form of art". That got me thinking even more.

Deep deep thoughts.

Sure I am attracted to this form of art, but I can not justify how this form of art is worth my money. Fashionable clothes that doesn't serve it's purpose for the cold weather or even comfort, just things you put on your body.

brb.

Harriet is currently sitting on my lap and my laptop is sitting on my shin as my legs are outstretched in front of me. I am trying to finish watching 'Going Clear: Scientology and The Prison of Belief' but it keeps buffering from time to time, which makes it annoying as I can't really concentrate on what is actually going on. Bae's brother is configuring his newly bought tv in front of me while Bae just switched from playing Overwatch to Rocket League. I hate using the word Bae, but I guess that's an easier word to tell you that it is him. I am of course hunched back, leaning forward to type this.

I really am just wasting time waiting for that documentary to load. It's a good documentary. For the life of me, I feel like I am always getting the short end of the internet in this house somehow. It doesn't work for my phone and now it's slow on my laptop too. I do not know what is up. I only know I am annoyed.

The zoo is hiring a new set of volunteers for the coming summer. Looking back, I was absolutely thrilled to get this 'highly coveted' position. Well I mean, it was after all a step into a potential industry I would be interested in working. Not now of course. Too much ugly truth that didn't allow any light moments to overcome them. I really shouldn't be saying this, but I am not exactly writing to condemn the zoo or anything. It's just me and my opinions do not matter.

Okay.

I hate life when I have to deal with it. Even if you reach your dreams, life is still a thing.

Wouldn't it be easier if you just end your life right there and then? What's the point going through crap just to fall upon another piece of shit? Why can't I just stay here and be plain and happy?

Let's just be clear that I like spending my time typing or writing. Not so much of actual reading, but more of just having the chance to actually vomit my thoughts out into words. However though, I just need substances to type with. Instead of just mindless babbles that nobody would read. To be honest, it's not even for anyone to read. It's just a way for me to have an excuse to type/write something. I do not expect anyone to be reading what I have to say. I don't even read what I write sometimes. I do remember however, when I was younger, I wanted approval from people to say that it was worth for me to write or type something down. I guess I am just looking for a reason to write.

I used to be good at writing stories. That was great when writing was actually compulsory and I almost never had enough time to finish my stories. I remember going through my pile of high school essays and honestly get blown away by my own stories that I have written. I also remember how I used to plant my essays/stories in a "dream" scenario, just so I could put an end to the story in time for submission. Sadly though, I don't think I can be anywhere as good as I used to be. All those free time spent daydreaming and trying to figure out 'what is more to life' than just plain high school, seeing the same faces day in and day out.

Life was much simpler back then, everything had already been pre-planned ahead of time for me. Wearing the same type of clothes everyday, leaving my textbooks under my desk in school saved me heaps from being unnecessarily punished, extra curricular activities after school, night tuition classes so I don't fall back on studies, food did not have to be made and laundry was not a thing. Time spent daydreaming and dreaming of a different world was the best. I made friends there and it made me happy and kept me company.

I've lost all my dream friends when I left high school. I think I was 18 when I started living in the world, trying to be surrounded by real people and real friends. "Friends". Maybe that's why I never really had lasting friends, they just never seem to match up with my dream friends. Of course, things are just too difficult now. I can't even remember my dream friends anymore. Which is sad, considering I feel lonelier than ever. I am currently struggling to find my presence in this world. I just feel absolutely isolated, it feels as though I am not living. Rather, I am living in an empty shell, completely disconnected with every part of my body.

Okay. I have probably gotten in too deep there.

I really am just letting my mind control what I am writing right now. This is absolutely true and I am not writing anything to sway things one way or another.

I do not feel too great about myself now.

Maybe that's why I try not to write, because I know what my mind is capable of doing. It is almost like a toxic little thing, trying to break my sanity into pieces.

Anybody willing to pay for a psychiatrist session for me?
I think I really need one.

Had a casual meet up with fellow zoo volunteers yesterday and it was rather eye opening. It did bring up a major thought in my head: people are doing things that they don't like to do but they don't have a choice but to do it. Is life really that way? They also bring up the fact that they are trying to find happiness in their own little ways despite how they don't like having their current job/life with that job. There I was sitting in the corner feeling dumbfounded as I do not feel one bit like them at all.

As a matter of fact, I felt completely opposite of what they were trying to share. I felt as though I am happy with whatever I have in my life so far. Even though I may not have everything I want, or I have certain complaints here and there. But in general, this is what I rather have and would be happy doing for a couple of years down the road. No future thoughts about me leaving this field and searching for something else that I would rather do instead. THIS is what I want to do. I got there.. haven't I?

I say that, but of course there are other things that I need to think about that bothers me a lot. If only money wasn't the issue in everybody's life. Would that not make things a tad bit easier? I feel like I am only bothered when people bring up their problems to surface and make me go; "OH? Why do I not share their feelings? Why are they agreeing/complaining about those things? Should I be living my life like them?"

I need to take a step back.

They went: I am happy where I am now, but I don't want to continue doing this for a long time. I want to find something else, something for myself. But this job pays for what I am good at, so I am going to hang around for awhile.

That sounds just about like everybody, doesn't it?

I am very confused.

Is it because I am lucky?
I would not think so because I had to work my way to get to where I am. Sure this job is not secure in a long term. But I can live with what I currently have.

.. right?

Recurring dreams:

Chewing gum stuck in my teeth. Literally needs endless digging to remove them..

Failing at math test or unable to solve a math problem in a class environment.

Oh dear lord.
I have also started to write in a diary again.

I don't think I should ever apologize for being myself.

I may feel bad for the things that I do or say sometimes, but it doesn't mean it's indefinite or I will never learn from that.

I have come a long way from learning about who I really am and what I want to become.

I am getting there. I have taken my first couple of steps into the door. I think I am liking it here.

So if you think I should live my life otherwise, you can shove that up your own ass. Cause I don't have the time to think about your petty negative thoughts about me.

I have a cat who gives me cuddles during the day even when she doesn't really feel comfortable. She would still stay with me even when she knows she won't be getting a proper nap. If that isn't love, I don't know what else is.

Goodbye to you.
Goodbye to me.
Goodbye to the past.

Hello Harriet ❤

Hello bloggie,

Bue-lo-jji. I'd like to call you that. Haha. Poor you, an inanimate object and I am butchering you. Oops.

I'm sitting outside of Cotton On in DFO South Wharf right now. I just had a moment of realization where I have been shopping to make myself feel better. It seems like I couldn't do other stuff to make me feel better and it's just shopping that I can do now. That's not even it. I shouldn't even be spending my money that I am not earning. Sigh. But what else can I do?

I realise I have been going around hunting for cheap things or good bargains and I would feel the need to purchase them. I create a reason to buy them, even though in reality I don't need them.

I couldn't eat good food like how I used to. I couldn't travel out to places I like to relieve myself. I could feel like there is an urge in me that I needed to break out and just do something I really love.

Shopping therapy is only temporary, but almost instant. I got bored of the food around cbd and the thought of spending all the money on eating them by myself just makes me feel depressed. There's nowhere to go on my own now, no time for me to escape from routine and try something new. I can't cook good homemade food either. What more, I can't quite find comfort from Jinwei when I need. I'd come home feeling absolutely drained and during the weekends, he has got his own plans. What am I to do when I am home alone during the weekends?

This is, though just one month worth of work placement. Especially after yesterday I am just drained and I still can't get anything I need that would satisfy me.

So right now, I am sitting outside of Cotton On. They've got a sale going on in there now, all ladies wear $10 and under. I only found one dress for $5 that I can't wear until middle of September. I can't quite explain why I am feeling like this. But I am feeling really bummed.

Now I gotta walk back to the tram stop, take two trams, and walk home. That's gonna a take about an hour to do.

:/

Casual conversation with someone, I start sharing my deepest concern about my life, they respond as if they have a solution to my life problems. Why is it that their interpretation seems so far off from what I am trying to share with them?

Are they even paying attention to what I am saying?

Are they just busy trying giving me solutions based on how they are living their life?

I admit I do that too. So is this how people have conversations? Just blab and not listening?

But I love listening to people and get excited when we happen to share a similarity somewhere. But of course I am not always right about my guesses.

It always feels as if they are judging my every word. Or that I am just wrong or not as well to do than they are.

Why can't I just be happy about who I am and what I am doing?

:(

Nope. It's not always about me, it is always about them.

List of things I would spend money on:
Bubble tea
Food
Good games
Lego minifigure
Concert
Musical
Comfortable clothing that I can see myself wearing for at least 2 years

It is difficult searching for a place that you truly belong to. That's simply because I have been searching for like minded people without realising that there's a vast variation of people like me. Just like individuals, finding someone who is exactly like me is probably 1 in a million. Close to never, perhaps.

My thoughts about the zoo has drastically changed within the first few months being a volunteer there. It is absolutely mind boggling as I initially assumed every other volunteer would have the same idea and thoughts as I would regarding animals in the zoo. But of course, we may share the same passion for animals but the way that we express it would differ a whole lot.

There were a couple of things I didn't understand:
1. How the volunteers were mentioning the animals in the zoo as though they were their own pet or children.
2. Feel absolutely proud of what they do, when all we really do is talk to people, direct people to where they want to go, help find lost children.
3. Why different days functions differently; one day it will all be "go go go" and the other is more "don't bother, just go be you".
4. They aren't there for the animals.

Me?
It got me worked up quite a bit. I thought of quitting. Everything that I was experiencing wasn't really pleasant and I was absolutely confused to what I was meant to be feeling.

I knew that all I wanted to do was to prioritize the animals and doing things that would be more focused towards the animals. I guess this voluntary role conflicts my aim as the things I do were more for the people's satisfaction over the welfare of animals. It was wearing me down over time, then a campaign came up and all that was important was the number of petitions we got.

I finally realized that I don't belong in this role. It bothers me a lot when I have to deal with..
- ignorant bastards who come to the zoo thinking they know everything
- brain pooped parents bringing their children to "an animal themed amusement park" to educate.. drain their kid of energy so that they can rest later
- young adults who make a nuisance, shitting all over the property
- VEGANS
- activists against all kinds of different stuff
At the end of the day, I asked myself why do I need to deal with all these bullshit.

Because I was that kid who loves animals so much I would visit every single zoo and feel inspired to be one of the zoo keepers when I grow up. The zoo was the only place to go, when the rest of the world seemed like they didn't understand my love for animals.

I have met one little girl who I saw had the same passion as I did. I gave her a little sticker for her good job answering my question and I gave her a little advice to never give up.

Her mom of course thought it was a silly dream of hers to be a wildlife conservationist, but I am glad she wasn't being all negative about it either. Which was a sigh a relieve.

I guess I was searching deep to find that my childhood dreams wasn't all a lie. That I didn't want to quit because there has got to be something more than this. There is no way I was going to let life crush my lifelong dream.

So why am I still serving the zoo?
I get to tell people to put out their cigarettes.
I get to tell people to stop throwing their balls around.
I get to party poop by telling them that helium balloons are not allowed.
I get to watch idiots think they know it all, laugh on the inside thinking how much I used to be like them.
I get discounts.
I get to see the animals more often than I normally would.
I made friends with my batch mates, we share our problems and support each other.
I really like owning the outfit, especially the jacket and refuse to return it.
I know what is happening with the animals in the zoo, and it is always a little bit exciting when a baby is due.

I want to make sure that kids like the younger me don't ever give up on their dreams and hope they are more successful than I am.

Good enough? Sure, I can do this once a week. Now I get to choose how I feel about zoo stuff - platonic.

I feel like I have lost control of my own life.

Thank goodness I haven't done anything insane or detrimental to my own wellbeing..
Fuck.

I have problems with eating.  Maybe it's eating disorder. But nobody can help me? I mean. I don't think anybody would understand why I am the way I am.

Here's one example.
Jinwei knows I only eat food that I want to eat. He also knows I don't mind starving. He also understands  how this is making me physically weaker than I should be.

But I mean, I don't think there's anything he can do. Other than just making sure I don't die, right?

I can tell you now that I am just absolutely hungry. But I refuse to eat. I think that there's no food for me to eat. In reality, there's plenty of food downstairs for me to eat. They just aren't food I would feel happy eating.

That's a problem.

I would only eat if I know I will be happy eating it.

I absolutely hate eating by myself. Because of that, I would rather skip meals.

You can't tell me to simply 'eat more'. I can't explain how eating is a mental disorder for me.

Fact that my mom is constantly telling me to eat more and nag about how skinny I am doesn't make me feel any better. 

I feel like I have mentioned this before. It really is a problem.

When I was younger, my friend's parents would pity me and my aunt would get angry at me when they give me nice things and buy me nice dinner. I didn't understand what was going on, I didn't understand why she would get angry, I didn't understand what I did wrong.

Tonight I thought about it.

Parents of my friends would feel bad that I don't have a normal family. That I am brought up by my aunt and her family, almost like a Cinderella kind of story. They feel bad for me when they find out that I don't see my mother often. My friends wouldn't know any different whether I had parents or not, they just saw me as who I was.

Maybe me aunt got angry because she feels embarrassed. Maybe inadequate to people's eyes that they have to buy nice things for me. Afraid that she was being judged for being the 'evil mother' who was forced to raise me up.

But I'd like to think that my aunt was just teaching me that I should be an independent woman. I didn't have to take peoples pity to get perks in life. I didn't need people to pity me to have friendships. I didn't need the approval of other people to be "normal".

Yet at the same time, it was pretty good to be getting all the love and attention from friend's family. I remember that I was constantly jealous of my friends' families and was secretly hoping they'll adopt me or something.

2.46am 26th March 2016

I am starting to think that I am crazy. In a place where I finally found people who are similar to me, I still feel isolated and lost.

Yes, they have the same enthusiasm about animals. But why do I feel like theirs aren't as genuine as mine?

Yes, they undeniably love animal as much as I do. But why do I feel like they are loving animals for the wrong reasons?

Yes, we may be working towards the same goal. But why do I feel like their purpose of reaching that goal is different from mine?

Am I reading a wrong book or is this something I have to go through before I actually find the real meaning to all of this?

I don't understand how this is even possible. Nothing makes any sense.

Is this not the place that I've always wanted to be in? Why is it unpleasant, why is it so difficult, why does everything feel so wrong? Have I been living a lie all this while?

Dreaming of hope and love.

He had CaptainSparkleZ' face sort of a mash with PewDiePie and had a name of Toby (Tobuscus). He also had motor neuron disease.

I was in her mind, but I had no control over what she was doing in my dream. She was stuck in this desert and she had a routine to do day in and out. People were disappearing day after day but she didn't realize it. But when she had her free time, she somehow found this boy and watched all his videos and fell in love. She managed to contact him and she was just so happy to be able to talk to him. Somehow he felt a stir in his heart that he wants to be there for her too. Through the days, they contacted each other through video and when she's off through her day, she could not keep her mind free of him.

My dream didn't show me how exactly they fell in love, but I could feel that sincerity and how deep the love they have for each other despite circumstances.

One day, she was all by herself at the facility.
(There were no signs about how these people disappeared, because they don't talk to one another)
She continues doing whatever she feels like doing as she used to.
(The facility on the desert is somewhat like being thrown into a space shuttle and people are meant to do research and experiments, she didn't know how she got there, she just woke up one day and she was there, she as one of the test subjects - unknowingly)
(Other test subjects were not allowed to speak to each other, but there were interactive things around - so the test subjects are running the experiments on those interactive things)
(She comes out from a building with a door that allows her to come out
_|×|_|=|_|∆|_ looks to her side and other doors didn't open)
(The facility is just one building on its own and there's just vast desert/empty land, but because there were interactive things available, it was understood that there wasn't a need to leave the facility, or somehow they were brainwashed to just stay at that area)

(This was how her day went)
She sat on the sand (under the scorching sun) for a couple of hours, looked at a distance where she could see a mountain, lush with trees. She thought about him and wondered about what she was feeling and if it was real. She believed that whatever she felt was real but there was nothing she could do but to keep up the (video)calls at night to have that feeling and it was growing.

(He knew what had happened to her, but he couldn't help her other than to keep her company. He couldn't understand what exactly it was that was trapping her there, hence he couldn't go out and seek help.. Or maybe he did? His physical disability made him feel depressed about life. But his calls and conversations with her made him feel different, an appreciation despite the physical block. Those conversations made each other feel alive.)

After that, she walked over to the interactive pen/area to only find about 5 blue frogs left. (There were initially other coloured frogs, and the subjects were supposed to carry out experiments with them) (there were also other stuff that were initially in that interactive area, but as time passed, the equipments either failed or died out, just like the test subjects) She was deciding if she was going to catch this frog and try something (she couldn't decide if it was worth the effort catching it because she already knew what the outcome was going to be). Then she sees a chicken-like animal (looks kinda like a dodo, but with very little hair - very little hair attached, looked like its ready for cooking, everything about this chicken is affected by the desert-like environment, there were about 3 of these around) that laid a egg with no shell that looked like hard boiled egg. She went to look at because she remembered it felt exciting (and it will probably always excite her) to see what happens with the egg. She watches the egg, she poked the egg and it revealed to be a soft boiled egg in the middle with a baby chicken-like animal was in there. She waited to see if the baby would move to show it's alive and she was also waiting for the mother to return to retrieve the baby.

But that took awhile, the mother never came back and was seen scuttling away and trying to look for a hiding place behind all the broken equipment. Then a shadow appeared, it was a woman that seemed very manly, someone she has never seen before. She looked up and this woman began speaking to her while handing her a small yellow colored pill: 'if its freedom you want, take this. Don't ever give up.'

She thought about how it would be like to be on the other side of this place, she thought about how there was no more hope left in this place. She wasn't feeling too sure about the pill, but she thought that it was worth a shot. She took the pill.

From then on, she could feel very woozy (about to pass out, but she's fighting to not let it take her out). Her body was very weak but she could still see things and sense things. (Assuming this was the same drug that knocked her out to bring her to this place, she probably remembered it deep down but not enough to make her feel terrified about it, but enough to remind her how to fight being knocked out by the pill - unconsciously). (Everything from here on is just woozy, imagine her trying to not sleep/knocked out by the drug, but still trying very hard to do whatevers coming up) She was lifted by that woman who gave her the pill, and was placed in a helicopter-like pod. And she flew.. (The pod was automated, like an ejaculated pod with no controls, she was flying into wherever and the pod could only go in one direction)

She flew towards the mountains and saw that she was about to crash, she remembered she had "a phone" in her pocket. She took it out and called him. It was probably a video, as she could see a glimpse of him and she smiled. She tried explaining what just happened to her (still very woozy, so her talking is really slow and her eyes are pretty much closed or only with a slit of window left). As she crashed, she saw there were people in that mountain chopping down trees and as the pod spun, the other side of the forest was charred (after fire). She muttered "I love you" as her landing ceased and she passed out right after.

The scene switch to a hospital area, where I floated out of her body and was looking around. I couldn't find her, but I was at the door when he came in with his mother holding on to him. I knew this was him. He has come to see her.

(Those people at the forest saw her pod and rushed to her aid)
(He and his family tried reaching out to every hospital they know before finding out that she was in this hospital, confirming before making their way there)

Because of his disability, his mother arranged where by he could be in a bed next to hers while she recovers.

I had to wake up, the beds were set up and I knew that she was in the safe hands of the doctors and he was going to be there for her when she wakes up.

I don't know. But my heart had little aches when I woke up thinking about this dream, and it also had little aches as I was typing this out. My only wish is that they live happily ever after, because they are together now and that's all that matters.

I still don't know what her name is. Or if she even has a name, or maybe Toby figured out who she really is and would tell her all about it after she wakes up. :)

It's a great love stort, I am glad I wrote it down. :) ❤

xxxxxxxxxxxxx edit xxxxxxxxxxxxx

So I shared my dream with Jinwei and he went silent. Apparently he was trying to decipher my dream for me and he couldn't quite put it all together. Good thing I got him telling me that he was thinking of that, because otherwise I wouldn't have figured it out on my own!

SO!

I figured out that Toby was in fact Jinwei and his mother was helping him through his life at the moment, because he is unemployed and his mom has been trying to help through encouragement and support in getting a job.

The frogs probably represents the cats at RSPCA, that they would be fine if I didn't do anything to them because I know other volunteers and staff were doing a good job and no matter what happens, the cats will be okay.

The chicken represents my zoo life. It is probably a bit discreet to share. But if you're free enough to think carefully about it, you might understand. 

That muscly woman is someone who I hope would offer me a job - the pill, and that would elevate my life. 

It does seem like by the end of the day, if Jinwei is by my side it would just make me feel better. 

Harriet is asleep upstairs on our bed! It's the best time to blog about something or spend some time playing some games I've always wanted to. I mean, otherwise Harriet would just LOVE to sit on my keyboard and I can't do anything else other than to shut down, bring her away and let her fall asleep on my lap. She wouldn't sit on my lap quietly if I were to be sitting here in front of my laptop. There's just something about the keyboard, both on the laptop and desktop that she just likes to sit on and stare back at us. Then she would proceed to sleep on it.. Oh Harriet, what would I do without you. :)

Anyhoo, I have always feel like people don't understand me. To be honest, I don't know why that bothers me either.

??

The thing that triggered me today was the "statement" about me being a volunteer.
I love the fact that I get to spend some of my time doing something, but is it really for a good cause? At least that's what people would think I am doing so. I just do it because it makes me feel good.. also for me to gain some experience; people skills and potentially some 'working' skills, so that I could get a paid job after. It really is a good start to things.. I don't do it for the sole reason of me wanting to give back and be credited for that. I don't do it to tell people to see how good I am of a person, 'giving back' to whatever cause I am involved in. I just do it because it makes me feel good. It sounds rather selfish, but I am definitely getting something out of these experiences.

Back when I was an "intern" at Zoo Negara, I despised people who volunteered at the zoo. Because to be frank, I don't know what they are learning from these ONE DAY experience. Don't forget, volunteers are free manpower. Who wouldn't appreciate free man power for the day? I do feel like I would lose out for wasting one day of doing something and not learning anything from it. Anyways, back to those volunteers at Zoo Negara, they gave me that vibe where they are just doing it just so they are happy with the thought of "doing something good for the community". Then, the keepers weren't going to risk much and of course only gave the volunteers sweeping and cleaning tasks. Of course, volunteers would complain. This is when you know they aren't really sincere about volunteering in the first place. Sigh. 'Volunteering with friends' is even worse.

WELL. That wasn't very nice of me.

Because getting a spot as a volunteer for both RSPCA and Melbourne Zoo was a considerably lengthy process to go through.
1. Constant search and refresh on their websites about volunteer position openings.
2. Apply with a resume (includes questions to get to know you a little better).
3. Attend an interview.
4. Go through training.
5. Sit for an assessment/ test.
6. CONGRATULATIONS.
It takes about a month from the time you apply til the day you actually start as a volunteer.
There is also a probation period of 3 months with a commitment of at least one shift per fortnight.

YAY!
It's almost like a job.. with no pay.

Initially when I started, I wondered why am I doing so much eventhough I am only a volunteer. I don't really do simple stuff, I am actually helping to do stuff so that the 'company' runs smoother. I actually get pretty knackered by the end of each shift I do. I get absolutely happy when I get to be relieved early, but I wouldn't mind staying for the entire duration either. Like I said, it really does feel like I am working, for no pay. I was also hating on the fact that some people are doing less work than me but are getting paid to do them. BUT HEY, people need to start somewhere.. right? I sure hope so.

But I am really grateful that there are such positions available where it gives me a chance to learn some life/work skills before I get paid for my first job. Otherwise, I am probably never going to get hired.. at least I am hoping I am doing the right things this time. Aussies are serious about experiences, no matter how big or small, they would rather hire someone who has heaps more experience than somebody who has nothing. It's not about the brains here, it's all about EXPERIENCE.

I've always wanted to volunteer at RSPCA, but I never really gotten the chance to. This was back in uni when I lived in Clayton and was busy playing frisbee and "studying". But after I've graduated, I thought it would be a good start for me. It was the very first thing that I got a successful response from after a series of sorrys. From there, I knew I had to take a certificate 2 in Animal Care, a diploma sort of degree that focuses on the technical part rather than books and brains. During my 22nd birthday, Jinwei brought me to the zoo and I told myself I want to work there someday. I kept true to what I said, and applied for a volunteer position (after being rejected for a paid role). Which I was very proud of getting! But now I know that I probably don't want to work in a zoo for the rest of my life..

For my 23rd birthday, I will be spending my day at the zoo as a volunteer. :)

I am beaming on the inside. It is like a dream come true.

But of course, dreams have now been made to reality. Now I need to get a paid job somewhere..

Men and games.

I thought I would be fine with my boyfriend spending his time playing video games all day. I never thought I would be pissed and annoyed at the fact that he is spending most of his time playing video games all day.

Well, life has me getting very annoyed at him not actually spending his time searching and applying for jobs and instead sitting at his desktop playing LoL or Rocket League all day.. It particularly annoys me when he doesn't get things done. #LYFE

I mean, that's what his brother does all day and all night too. SIGH

Who am I to say anything. It's not like I am spending my time searching for jobs either..

I was supposed to start a new blog, just so I get to have an entire 'book' of happiness rather than mashing everything into one blog. But I never really gotten to do that. Even now, I am back to typing stuff in this old blog of mine. I guess in a way it does feel like I am growing up with this blog. The transition moments from when I had my first step into adulthood in 2011 as a 18 year old to 2016 as a 23 year old. Good moments and bad, I think I can embrace them all now. :)

Speaking of which, I probably had my first laptop when I started using this blog url. Now, I have a new laptop! Hooray me! Part of me feels cheeky, but other part of me felt rather accomplished. My new laptop is actually the same laptop, except that it's now silver and an upgrade of intel core i7. Minus the beats audio feature, but I guess that's not too bad. It's just as heavy and this time it's SILVER instead of my previous black. It does feel like I am using an apple product because of the silver coating. But I am happy that it's similar to my old laptop, in a way there's less adjustments to make and it's more of an upgrade to my older laptop which died of a broken fan due to overheating. 

WHAT HAS HAPPENED since I last posted..?

we've adopted Harriet! <3

my gorgeous little red burmese bub. 

I am now a volunteer at Melbourne Zoo

I am also a volunteer in the cattery of RSPCA burwood

and I'm still not done with my cert II ;D

I spent an entire year not looking for a job. It's a negative, but I'm not entirely depressed about it. In a way I kinda learned different set of knowledge and thought from that. Right now I guess, I really need to look for a job that pays. Hopefully now I am better qualified for a job that actually pays for my efforts. 

I haven't been complaining much about life. Except I still complain about everything to Jinwei. HAHA. unfortunate Jinwei. :x

Life without Facebook is pretty good too! :D

Though of course that meant I had more time on Instagram. But at least it's much easier to control as I could easily unfollow people on Instagram than on Facebook. This is simply because I am following less friends on Instagram than Facebook. In a way, it also made me much more difficult to reach. With that, it also closed a whole lot of doors for me. People had to go through Jinwei in order to reach me. Which I find rather relieving because when these matters do reach me, I would know that they are actual important issues. Being off Facebook also allowed me to explore life more.. it allowed me to feel and understand myself more which then allowed me to respond to other things surrounding me more organically.. if that even made sense. Maybe it's allowed me to feel slightly more confident with myself and the things I do, rather than constantly trying to showcase myself to others and wait for their response to prove that I am doing the right thing. This should be an entire post by itself. But that is fine.

I do feel very rusty typing stuff out now though. It has been almost an entire year since I last sat down and actually type about things. There had been so many good moments last year that I never bothered documenting. It does feel like I've lost a whole lot of momentos, now that I could never look back at it and go 'oh, that's what happened to me then'.

There had been so many new discoveries for me last year. Living with a partner has many ups and downs that I never manage to talk about. I wasn't sure if it was a good thing to talk about as I was afraid that it would come back and haunt me someday. But in all seriousness, I really need to remember how talking to myself (blogging) actually helps me clear up a thought or two and it is actually rather therapeutical. I can honestly say that I have been too dependent on Jinwei to keep my mind and thoughts in line. OH what should I do to remind myself no to?

Maybe now I've gotten past the phase of 'omg, we're living together' that I could sit down and find more time to be with myself. Right now I need to figure out what is best for myself, be more rational and feel less impulsive. That would take a while.. but I think I'll get there.

Nobody reads this, but this is like a little letter to my future self. 

'THIS IS WHO YOU WERE'

was your nintendo ds really a good idea? 

I wanted a wedding ceremony.

But I guess I have to elope now.