It's been a while.

Still couldn't find that inspiritation or drive to just write whatever I could think of for my biology essay. I have another one due next week, I have yet to begin on that either. :/ How oh how do I get through with this? I have done this before, but it was that one thing I dreaded most. It has definitely dragged me down a whole lot. I have no idea what is going on in Chemistry. I am struggling to keep my head above water at the moment. :/

I shall avert my thoughts for abit, and try to get some writing going on for abit. Today, I shall talk about Parents Appreciation.

Or will I?

I am freezing right here. :/ Dang it.

I feel extremely disappointed whenever I see or hear my friends complain about their parents. Maybe because I don't understand what they are actually experiencing, but it felt like it wasn't right to blast out at their parents like that. I used to be that little annoying girl, who knew nothing, but acted like I knew everything. I ended up being the home wrecker, literally. Maybe I was brought up in a different environment that I could not comprehend what my peers are complaining about their parents.

Here at this moment, I wish I had a family where I could turn to whenever I need something. A mother where I could just call and cry to, a father who will be my support pillar and siblings to have around as accompanyment. I picture a perfect family, if I were to have one. This is probably something that everyone hoped for, the 'perfect' family.

We all have that period of time where we are completely pinned down by our parents for not having our freedom. Or so we could say, parents will always be parents. But sometimes, I just don't understand, why is this so difficult for others to understand? Yes, it seems unreasonable that they wouldn't let us out eventhough we are legally old enough and mature enough to hang around outside. I am not saying I am completely agreeing that parents should have ultimate control over their children. What I understood, is that parents are only being over protective. Sometimes, they may forget that we are of a complete different era, and they could not comprehand on how we kids roll these days. In turn, this would have cause us, children to rebel as much as we could.

I have personally rebelled a lot. But at the same time, as I was rebelling, I felt that extreme fear that I could not gain my aunt's trust anymore, and could probably get kicked out of that house almost immediately. Obviously, that was an extreme. It was still a thought that I had, then.

To my surprise, my aunt has actually given me my freedom as soon as high school ended. Probably even before then. I would say that it happened in a good manner; I learned things at my own pace and I learned to be over protective of myself. Maybe..

My mother gave my wine when I was much younger, telling me that it was ribena and that it is absolutely alright to drink. Today, for the fact that I know what alcohol could've done to people, I developed myself into only having several sips, just for the sake of the taste. I would say that I fear having to get drunk, and feel ill just because of it.

Hanging out late at night. This has always been an issue for me. I always break them as much as I can. But the fact that my aunt gave me her trust, made me felt extremely guilty whenever I break those time restricts. Hanging out because my friends were still there, refusing to return home, but at the same time, fearing what could possibly happen when I get home later that day. It used to be me being punished by being 'grounded' whenever I pass the curfew. That normally lasted a few days for me, but I was still able to go out again, anyways. :P

But it taught me that, there is no way one could actually hang out everyday. All those money being spent, all those time being used up (when it could be used for other beneficial stuff like STUDYING, or even to spend time with your family).

I realise that parents that tend to hold onto their children much more than they should, is causing them to actually rebel even more. To an extent where I feel FEAR, in seeing the way they rebel. Rebelling may or may not be a good thing. Good in a way that it is a point where our parents are informed that it is time to let us go. Bad in a way, that we are not learning things as we should be.

We all grow up differently. Even amongst siblings, there is bound to be difference in the way we are being brought up. By the end of it all, we know deep down, we love our parents. They are the reason we were brought to this world, they are the reason for who we are today. I don't believe blaming a parent would be worth anything, other than to break their fragile hearts into billions upon billions of pieces. Even if we do, we will somehow magically piece those broken pieces back again whenever we show them that we love them.

Parents are humans too. They gave us everything they could possibly give us (in their own particular way). They shaped us. Instead of scolding them, or blaming them, why not thank them for everything they have done?

?

DANG IT! Beginning a sentence of an academic writing essay takes me FOREVER to start. Simply because I know I can’t talk crap, nor I am confident enough to say what I think is appropriate to write as my first sentence. Well, your opening speech has got to be the BEST LINE YOU CAN EVER COME UP WITH, otherwise, you will pretty much FAIL to capture your audience’s attention. I can never write a proper academic essay. It seems like it’s just one thing that I can never seem to learn from. I may say I will be determined to learn properly, and make sure I will nail this. Nope. This thing is just as difficult as it is, every single time I have to write one.

It could be because I might not have enough information to convince myself that I will be writing the right thing, or I just could not pick up that courage to just write. Problem is, I will eventually have to learn how to write GOOD reports and essays. At this stage, nonsense writing is pretty much unacceptable. There is a reason why you got this far, it is about time that you write like how you deserve to get this far. Or so to say, in inverted commas.

Last semester I had problems, writing about 4 essays? Two drafts, two proper ones. I would have to say I did considerably well, considering I had no idea what I was writing about. At least I was hitting the green zone at the sides, and not hitting the green zone completely. An ‘average mark’ was what I got out of the two proper essays I handed in. Honestly, that was satisfying enough. This semester, I have 3 proper essays to hand in. Two of which, I have to present a draft beforehand.

Well, of course. Considering how lazy a normal student would be, they would probably work their ass off on their draft, and improve a little on the final submission. Either way, one has got to start somewhere. I, am always stuck on the research phase. ALWAYS.

Blogs are easy. You just BLAB. Even if you repeat things, people might not even realise it. The tone that you speak in, is different, it feels as though you are listening to the writer spilling his or her heart out. At least, this is how I want my blog to be like. I literally and typing according to what my conscience is telling me to. Which also includes this :) face. Hehehehehehehehehehhehehehehehhehehehe

HELP!

Listening to David Guetta ft. Sia's Titanium cover by Boyce Avenue.

Somehow, this time, I am listening to it, with a rather heavy heart. Somewhat a part of me is missing, vanished within the clouds. Evaporated in between the current so-called nerdy life I have now. Occupying my time, facing books as much as I could. Things have changed. People have changed. I, have changed.

I have mentioned how much this song meant to me, if you remember. Without fail, this song has brought significant thoughts and memories to me. The three people who had made me felt as though everything will alright when I got here. The three people who I spent my last day in Malaysia with. I was lifted from all my tensions about leaving, with that one trip.

Then as I was going through my days here, I had been highly dependent on a handful of people, these three in particular. I know deep down that I shouldn't, as it was obviously the dumbest thing I could do. But it was the littlest hope that I had then.

In a way, it had pulled me down a lot in my social life here. I felt extremely insecure, I felt depressed. I didn't had any friends whom I could actually hang out with. I pushed all my emotions away, by studying, and trying to keep myself happy. At one point, I knew I was trying too hard. By then, I was about to head for an exam, and I was about to go home.

All I thought of was going home, recover some questions that I had haunted myself with: have these people back at home totally forgotten me?

Maybe it was the short amount of time that I could spend at home, it was an inconvenience for everyone to accommodate with my time, just to meet up with me. But there was no way that the feeling I had when amongst these people, made me feel uncomfortable.

It used to be me just sitting amongst them, feeling absolutely normal eventhough I may not have anything to talk to them. The awkwardness when I hung out with them, was heartbreaking in a way where I could only sit there, try to pump up conversations with everyone, only to get cold responses. I swear the awkwardness could be felt by the rest too. But there was pretty much nothing we could do about it, anymore.

Who am I kidding? I am here, not there. My life is where I am. IF I were to be there, maybe that friendship would have lasted, and I would not have felt that strange awkwardness. I have left, life goes on. So does theirs.

It feels sad that I could no longer reconnect with them, in a way.

I really wish things hadn't changed.

If you do feel like your face has distorted from reading this, I am sure you know what happened. You, know who you are.

All I think about, is study.

NO JOKE!

Whenever I have free time, I would think that I should be spending my time in front of the computer, with my books open and pens of different colours layed out in front of me, along with some food to much on along, and I am ready to start studying. What is it that I have so much to study for? I am pretty sure nobody else around me are as MENTAL as me, doing this without fail. I would feel burdened whenever ONE WEEK of lectures have passed and I am only still onmy 2nd week notes. Not too sure why I got myself into this behaviour, but I do believe it is helping me ALOT.

Though I wonder, with so much effot put into studying, why is it that I am still unable to attain HDs. As a matter of fact, I have yet to get a HD in any of my 4 subjects. All I could manage was 3Ds and one Credit, which I am extremely proud of. This is definitely something very difficult for me to achieve back in my preU days, AusMat.

I would say that I am not a bright student, and I require super duper load of effort in order for me to get a HD. Imagine if I had studied much more diligently, I could actually manage a HD. I COULD...

Maybe...

I wish, and I hope.

All that I know now, is that I could not afford to let go of this habit I have now. I could very well lose the chance to retaining my Ds for this semester if I do. It's not like I don't have a break or anything. It is more like my breaks are the times that I study.

Probably because I have got nothing better to do, anyways.

Also I am rather worried that if I do start doing other things, I might not be able to sit down like this and write my own notes like this as often as I could...?

Hrmmmmmmmmm.....

Statistically, we knew that Lin Dan would win.

But deep in our hearts, we knew that Chong Wei has that ability to bring the gold home.

We chose to listen to our hearts.

Initially I thought I wouldn't watch the match since aussie tv only shows events that has Australians in it, finding a good streaming video would be a question of its lags. So happen I was skyping with my friend and she was hyped about the event, I thought why not watch it from her side via Skype? It wasnt a bad idea at all, but the pixels were confusing me on whether it was an in or an out. Finally got me searching for streams online. Almost all failed, but one where I refreshed patiently after it failed several times. It was slightly delayed from the Skype version, but much clearer.

I could hear my friend screaming with joy, going, 'ah!! Haha!! That's it!', and 'urgh! Why?!' to a point where she said, 'you know what? I am going to sit here and meditate!'. That was not it! Facebook and twitter were all filled with updates almost every second of the whole game. From frustrations of not getting the 2nd game and finally that moment of silence when lindan scored the past point.

I would say I have never seen Malaysians so enthusiast about something. Yes, we have badminton all these while, bersih rally and football, but this was that one time we know we had a chance in listening to our national anthem being played at the olympics for the first time, ever. (Why isnt squash an Olympic event?!) The moment when we saw that lindan won, we stood in shock, probably with no thoughts in our heads for a split second... until the camera showed glimpse of chong wei sadly kneeling on the floor with defeat, we knew that we have lost and that he is feeling the worst out of all of us.

I don't know about you, but I was definitely sad looking at him being sad. It feels like he too knows that he has thay chance to win it, but he just couldnt and that he not only let himself down, he has let the entire nation down. That pressure on him, was too much to handle (in my opinion). Not too sure why is the prime minister being all; 'we must all root for him! He can bring home the gold for us!' and his wife going; 'he is like my son, I hope he won't be shaken tomorrow' and flew all the way to London to supposedly show support. My question is, why now? Why take the glamour and the spotlight when he is finally at the top? Would you honestly give much thought if he was just a moderate player? :/

Then there is an issue with baskin robbins giving out free icecream if chong wei does win. Not sure it is a mocking gimmick or it is to raise public awareness to support our nation's pride.

Though it does make me wonder, does he know the scale of which the support Malaysians are showing? Hrmmm.

I wish there was something I could do to comfort him after all those pressure he has gone through. Having the whole nation watching your every move, hoping you will bring home the gold (and probably some icecream and also a public holiday, perhaps), only to disappoint in the end.

People might say; 'it's alright, you did a great job!' and all kinds of encouraging things that could possibly be mentioned, that "pain" never really dies...

For the first time ever, I did not finish my lab session.

I feel like cursing with every single known curse words that I know of at this very moment.

Go knows how much marks I have lost there.

This is just plain BULL!
Fact that I know I am not competent with what is going on, makes me feel ten times worse.

In all honesty, I do feel like I am lacking alot in my social life. Here in Australia, it feels like I have nothing to do, other than to study, all day and all night, week in and week out. Which is actually a good thing, for I have definitely improved in my studies much more than I would have previously. I am not the kind who would go all out just to get a streak of HDs, I only wanted to prove myself that I could do better than this.

Despite the improvement, I was feeling absolutely empty on the inside.

Some may think that I am making this up, some say that I am not putting in effort to try to find myself a place here. I am going to have to agree with what they have said.

My first semester, I was absolutely afraid of making friends. Maybe it was because I was too afraid that I will lose my friends back in Malaysia, and searching for new friends here would be nowhere near the comparison with friends back there. Silly, I know. But I knew I needed friends. There had been times where I was absolutely clueless, not knowing how to solve my statistics questions. Which then lead to me realising that I do not have friends at all.

Having friends in a foreign place is one very important thing to do. I initially thought I would survive just fine without friends. But the difference from my previous year where I was literally everywhere to this confined self, it was something I am not used to at all. My priority was to live here, and attain good scores for my studies.

Priority achieved, right?

Almost.

This semester, I knew I had to try my best to make more friends. In all honesty, I still find it difficult making friends with the locals. Maybe it's cause of the dialect difference that I had to repeat myself almost all the time.

But I then told myself, I still needed to be myself, and they would eventually learn me as I am and accept me for me. It does sound like it is a little too much to ask from strangers, but that was the only thing I could think of whenever I had the chance to talk to people.

I would say I forgotten what it is like to be approaching people in the most well-mannered way. Or would I say, I have totally forgotten what it is like to talk to people who I do not know at all.

This time, I decided I was going to be myself. The pyscho, ridiculously no-brainer me. People will definitely find me annoying at first... Maybe? But with all sincerity, I do not mean harm, why overthink it, right? I don't know. I am confused.

I am trying my best to go all out, and be much more active around and find a reason for me to belong here.

First step: Join AIESEC.
Well of course, I failed. The interview proved that I was still a child on the inside, with seriously little experience about the real world. Though I am wondering, if this society was to help individuals improve themselves, why were they so bothered about how much I am lacking?
On the side note, at least I had gone through my first ever interview. I gained some experience from it, for sure. :)

Second step: Wildfire.
I AM DYING TO JOIN WILDFIRE. After much mental debates with myself, I settled down and told myself it was near impossible for me to join. Their training centre was all the way in the city. Plus the fact that I am taking public transportation, it REALLY IS impossible. :(

Third step: make friends with whoever I meet.
LOL. I would have to say I have succeeded in that. I decided that I did not give a damn about what people would think of me anymore, and just be extremely random as I can.

Nope. This isn't enough. I still need to find something else to do.

I do have friends. It is just that difficult to meet up with everyone often to strengthen that friendship.

hrmmmmm.

What am I missing?