29 July 2013

Today, I feel like crap.

I feel like crap because I don't know how to approach my studies this semester. It doesn't feel like putting in extra effort seems to be doing any difference to me. Somewhat like my effort given to studying, doesn't serve me justice with my results by the end of the semester.

What am I going to do with my time? How else should I approach my studies? What's gonna happen after I graduate?

Listening to demonstrators sharing their stories about their PhD researches, I could only have that image in my head as a dream. Then I had to have a reality check; I didn't have the brains to do whatever that they were doing. It then got me questioning, if I should continue studying or just drop out and live life as a garbage.

I get so tensed up whenever anyone discusses about academics. I could only see a dead end ahead of me. They were all shrieking and worrying about how their semester would go, while I sit there wondering if I am actually strong enough to continue with what I wanted to do in the first place. Even with this undying passion for animals, it really is a dead end for me. Seeking for internship but somehow there seemed as though there is some kind of barrier that is preventing me from seeking other options and pathways to chase after my dreams.

What am I going to do?
What should I do?

Playing on a game today for several points, I did really terrible as a third handler. They trusted me enough to throw the disc to me, but I retardedly did not trust myself enough to catch the disc and throw it properly. Countless number of time that the disc had a turnover because of my silly mistakes. :/

AUG. Chances of me getting into this, is really .0000000000001% of getting picked. They were saying that I have nothing to lose.

But is really?

I still have no idea how am I going to do this semester.

So I got a chance to be a third handler today. Which made me realise the hierarchy of playing ultimate. I started off as a wing, which I believe is how you start as you play. You have no idea what you're doing, you still can't catch or throw, you're not sure what to do. It got me really frustrated when I was there, cause I was absolutely jealous of all the others doing cuts and pops to get the disc moving, while I just stand there making space and not clog up space. Most of the time I'd feel useless.

Then when we start catching discs, we begin to greed for the disc even more. When we get to do the first cuts, that is when I feel like I 'graduate' from my wing position. Though really everyone else would start off as cutters, got me really jealous LOL. From there, I told myself that I would leave the cuts for better cutters while I just wing and run deep.. but most of the time I'll only stay in the stack and move along with the disc, only cutting when everyone has cleared out. :X

Today, being a third  handler requires trust from better players who are 'well groomed' handlers to help him or her out. Got me really nervous though. For a person who has moderate throws, they don't work well under pressure. Not to forget trying to get free from the defender just to get the disc.. this one is DIFFICULT. But I think the fact that the cutters are in distress makes me feel like I should do my best to help them, actually helps me. But I feel so  happy to get this chance of trying out handler. :D only need to work on my confidence with proper cuts and better catches and throws. Yeay!