28 July 2013

I am always feeling left out at every single thing that is happening around me. In a way, that made me choose to be a loner more than mixing around with people and have a little interaction. I really wish I have an answer to why I am being ridiculously retarded in this particular sense, cause I do know that this retarded feeling of mine is not doing me any good at all. What am I going to do? When there are more than three people within a group which includes me, I'll completely shut down and just sit there and listen to what everyone has to say. I feel most comfortable when it is just me and the other person, or at most, two other people. But if there will be a minimum of 4 in a group, I'll just zone out and let them do the talking. If they don't start talking to each other, and there is an awkward silence, I'll just keep talking til they find something common to talk about and that is where I will personally feel like my 'work' here is done, then I'll proceed into zoning out.

Even when there is a social event where there will be people everywhere, I will tend to feel lost, unsure of who I was supposed to talk to or where was I supposed to go, or even WHAT I was to do. I feel so lost, that I had to take a peek at my phone to make it appear that I am not interested in having conversations with people but in fact, I was only distracting myself from that distress that I feel for not knowing what to do. I could see everyone having fun talking to one another, laughing at their conversations and doing whatever they feel like doing. While I just sit there and watch the world move around me as I continue to question myself, what am I going to do now?

It isn't like I didn't want to join the fun.. I just didn't know HOW.

xxx

I survived two days of snow! YEAYYY! In comparison with last year, I think I did improve a little bit in terms of skiing. Today was boring, cause all we did was sleep in the bus. It was probably about 7 hours drive from here to Falls. Considering that we left about 11am from the mountains, reaching home at about 5thirty-ish wasn't too bad I guess. Though I really am dreading my 8am lecture tomorrow. How am I supposed to survive that? LOL

I am actually quite excited to get back to uni.

Correction, I actually don't know what to do.. Should I apply for an intership somewhere, should I find for some voluntary work somewhere, or should I just be my normal self and just do whatever I feel like doing at that particular time. Fact that this may be my last semester where I am actually allowed to do whatever I feel like doing, cause next year is my final year, for sure everything is gonna be more difficult and I have to put in more effort in my academics as well.

I just did a search on internships in Melbourne Zoo, Australia Zoo and several other wildlife conservative places.. It doesn't seem like I can land myself anywhere LOL. Melbourne Zoo doesn't take interns from Monash Uni, Australia Zoo requires interns to have a place to stay on their own, other zoos will prioritise their state's students before others.. there aren't much things for me to do.. are there?

Mehhh..

I'll figure it out eventually..