There are things that you just can't mention at all, even when you know it's the only thing that you want to talk about. You know that you shouldn't mention it at all, because you know that it doesn't matter that much to the other person, or that they would perceive it differently from what you have in mind. You would think that you are insane for having such thoughts that if anyone know of it, they would think that you are insane, which then makes you believe that you are indeed insane. But how do you talk about it, if you know it means that much to you, and the person just doesn't get it and you go mental thinking that you are the only one thinking in that sense? How do you stay sane, without going insane?
That paragraph probably doesn't mean anything at all. Trying to explain in the most layman language possible hoping the listener would get it, but you lose yourself getting to the point, that you end up yabbering nonsense away. Maybe I just don't know how to communicate normally anymore. Maybe I don't know what it is to be normal. My mind is simply full of everything that when a problem occurs, I literally had to shut down for a moment and weigh out my options before having a final say with my decision. The whole hassle of how I reach a conclusion is never to be mentioned and never to be brought upon in anyway. I stopped trusting myself with words, for I know there could be chances of words slipping out of my mouth and could possibly cause a disaster. But why am I so afraid of falling into pits of problems now?
It is as though I refuse to let my flaws make an appearance, refuse to let the world have a negative remark on the things I do. But like people say, in order to succeed, we need to fail again and again. When will I reach the point where I stop failing and actually have triumphant moments where I can happily boast about? When will I smile and be proud of what I have achieved out of those uncountable miseries of misfortune encounters?
I am sure I am slowly losing myself as this wall builds. I have no more space to hide from the world and am only left with building myself upwards where I could possibly emerge on top of the world before falling to me death. But who knows, maybe my subconscious didn't manage to build a very tall wall and I'd still be able to leap off safely when I feel safe to. But even if I'm free from this wall, am I really free from myself?
If there is a way of eliminating this full on negativity within me, I'd gladly hop into it. It feels terrible being in this state and I know I am the only one who can save myself from falling deeper into this black hole.
But it feels safe in here, knowing that it's much easier to go down than to climb up and out of it with the chances of falling into it again. A little slip and every effort just slips back to nothing. It feels as though I am comfortable and I know what it could possibly feel like if I take another step down. My consciousness is keeping me in place, preventing me from taking this leap into darkness. My consciousness is telling me to fight on and take that fight to reach the top and not look down into darkness. But I can feel my body falling.. and draining my soul..
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