And then the clock strikes 7. The proposed meet up time. Glancing around, nobody is here yet.
Malaysian time is very efficient, always. And it never fails to have a close association with the word, 'traffic jam'. I am a malaysian who follows these malaysian time settings once in a while. No, I do them just to annoy the crap out of others and other times, I just find it unnecessary to rush about, knowing it is alright to be late. And as for other non-malaysian times, those are the days where I just felt like being there early to scold others about their never-ending record of malaysian time streaks. Just for the fun of it.
This is actually a bad habit that we usually couldnt bother acknowledging on how important it really is to be on time. Because there are times where being on time is really that necessary, but because it had already been a habit, we would be prepared with excuses and just turn up late as though it didn't matter.
What happens if we missed an important meeting? Maybe some of us can't really see how important this is to us now. Here is a question to you, have you ever been late for a movie screening? We are given movie tickets with specific timing, but we would normally be there early, and complain about the lengthy commercials. Or, we would purposely be early to watch all the juicy previews of upcoming movies. Or if we really had to rush, it would normally be just in time when the movie starts. Then, imagine if you were to be late and you missed your thousand dollar flight to some destination, it is an instant burn in the pocket and not to forget, a stab in the heart as well. As a matter of fact, we have to be hours earlier before our flight. Any later, you get left behind. Definite lesson for you to be ignorant about the importance of being on time.
Irresponsible. Rude. Undisciplined. Pretty much the verbs could be used for such behaviours of being late. Have you not considered that others would have to sacrifice whatever it is they have to do in order to be there on time? Fact is, you could have planned things out much earlier, to avoid all those unnecessary waits. Is it that difficult to be on time?
Is it that difficult to plan beforehand?
Is it that difficult to tell the others when you know you will be late?
Is is that difficult to be considerate?
And honestly, due to all those outings that I have planned, there had never been once that nobody is late. Lesson learnt? You cant expect everybody to be on time. Solution? Plan with time allowance for the arrivals of the royal kings and queens before the outing resumes. And of those times, I really do respect those who will always be on time. For I know it is difficult to be out of the norm, to not be late. Like I said, I am on and off for being on time.
Sometimes I feel that it is somewhat of a responsibility to be early, to wait for everyone else. As a planner, it is a 'must' thing to do. Unless you really can't make it in time, I believe it is necessary to get someone else who will be on time to hang in there until you get there. And when I'm the follower, knowing that others would be late and if I cant make it in time for the meet up time, I would plan my time thoroughly and make sure I'll be there 'not too early-not too late'. Now I am not saying that it is a good thing to do, I am trying to tell you that it is an act of mine where I take things forgranted.
Of all those meet ups, I am here to mention that I am 70% on time and 30% off time. Hehehe. Yeap. I deserve some scolding for sure, but before you do, make sure you are a 100% on-timer, otherwise it'll be invalid. ;)
Monday, January 30, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
142km up north, and 142km back south, a total of 4 hours drive in approximation, and half a tank of petrol, speed average of about 120km/h, the journey to find where the heart was born, was indeed a worthy one.
It was some sort of me paying my respect to my grandmother who is growing older by the year, and my aunt whom I have not took the initiative to visit eventhough I could drive freely already, not forgetting with the fact that I am leaving for Australia, I figured I should visit them before I go.
With the passing of my grandmother on my maternal side November last year, it made me miss her for she was the closer grandma than my paternal's side. It gave me that thought that I should show up somehow, who knows if I would not have the chance to anymore.
It was an initial plan to visit my grandma with the company of my mother, but we had not enough time as my dear mom had to leave for work back in Macau. To my surprise, my aunt, whom I live with, volunteered to drive me over for a visit. Travelling alone for such a long distance wasn't a good idea, as it proved that I almost hit two cars today. =/
But it was a worthy trip after all. After all those worrying about meeting my father, after worrying about my aunt being all awkward with my paternal aunt. It got me queasy with the thinking and worried as well.
Now to think of it, there were no regrets at all. My father was not around, and it was like watching two of the people who loved me to their bottom of their hearts, talking about me, happily. I have never felt such love ever. Funny how it was understood that, how loosely bonded I am to my mother and how I afraid I am of my father, these two aunts were loving me as though I was their own daughter.
It was the moment when I felt truly blessed. The moment when I felt like I was the luckiest person ever alive. The moment when I know that I am truly loved. The moment I knew that they, will be there for me regardless of whatever that has or will happen to me. The moment that I discover where my heart belongs. =')
It was some sort of me paying my respect to my grandmother who is growing older by the year, and my aunt whom I have not took the initiative to visit eventhough I could drive freely already, not forgetting with the fact that I am leaving for Australia, I figured I should visit them before I go.
With the passing of my grandmother on my maternal side November last year, it made me miss her for she was the closer grandma than my paternal's side. It gave me that thought that I should show up somehow, who knows if I would not have the chance to anymore.
It was an initial plan to visit my grandma with the company of my mother, but we had not enough time as my dear mom had to leave for work back in Macau. To my surprise, my aunt, whom I live with, volunteered to drive me over for a visit. Travelling alone for such a long distance wasn't a good idea, as it proved that I almost hit two cars today. =/
But it was a worthy trip after all. After all those worrying about meeting my father, after worrying about my aunt being all awkward with my paternal aunt. It got me queasy with the thinking and worried as well.
Now to think of it, there were no regrets at all. My father was not around, and it was like watching two of the people who loved me to their bottom of their hearts, talking about me, happily. I have never felt such love ever. Funny how it was understood that, how loosely bonded I am to my mother and how I afraid I am of my father, these two aunts were loving me as though I was their own daughter.
It was the moment when I felt truly blessed. The moment when I felt like I was the luckiest person ever alive. The moment when I know that I am truly loved. The moment I knew that they, will be there for me regardless of whatever that has or will happen to me. The moment that I discover where my heart belongs. =')
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Of equality.
As a 19 year old, I am able to see and reflect on how kids behave. Kids are innocent and their reactions tell the whole lot of different story when being faced with a particular situation. I remember I was having mcD's and the table on my right had about 5 kids munching away on their happy meals. True enough, they were arguing on facts with the single parent who was there with them. I may have forgotten what the arguements was for, but I find it amusing on how kids think that they know everything with the little knowledge they have. And how they were truthful with what they know, was even more intriguing. For we all know adults have been through at least 2 decades of life, they should have much more knowledge than a 7-8 year olds. But they choose to keep their knowledge to themselves and use them when they need to.
Yes. Because the society has brought upon us such stigma. You show a little knowledge of yourself, you will be commented on, provably along the lines of, "oh? You are that smart now?". And if you don't display your intelligence, "you are dumb as hell". Simply because we, humans, have been granted rights for our very own wellbeing. Rights that would protect us from harm, rights that would give us a voice to speak upon, rights that would provide justice. As so we see it. Fact is, we have been abusing our rights. Fact is, that we are changing our time, in hopes to build a better future. Fact is, the rights are those that makes us feel like we have some sort of hidden super powers against the authorities.
If one would look and study properly, one would see how terrible the job of our dear leader is doing. And we would normally blame the leader as he/she is understood to be the head of the country, thus everything has to be approved by him/her before it could be carried out. And we would continue blaming until a change is given to us. We, citizens assume that the government is doing a bad job in helping to improve the nation, we protest, we demand, we question for more. We get angry because we were not given our rights. Or so we see.
We had a bersih rally last year. Which had caused me to miss my first ever ballet show. Unfortunately for my yellow car, it was better to stay home, and I could not support my friend for the show either. The protest was to show the government that we, the citizens want fair voting for this year's election. All of the protestants knew each and every detail about their rights in doing so before they took up the courage to team up for the protest. Those water bombs and tear gases? They had only made the citizens even more furious about the fact that they did not get their fair share of protesting in peace.
Though my question is, was all of these necessary? All those protest, demands and accusations? As we look at where we are, what we have and who we are today, had it not been a giant leap altogether? We have schools in just under a woodshacks and kids would just study happily then. We had that terrible war, which had scarred so many of us. We had terrorist after the war. We had jungles everywhere. One thing for sure is that we had almost everything we could ask for today.
But no, we still want to ask for more. I couldnt help but to envy the privileges students in the government school get these days. They get free textbooks to study with, lower school fees to pay and have better facilities than my time. Though it had only been two years since I got out from government school, they seem to have a better life than we did during my generation. They even got money/voucher to spend on whatever they need. And my question to you is, did you spend them with what you really need?
Talking about rights. We have never stopped arguing about that. Why? Because in the past, women were not given any rights at all. Look at what we have today, women dominating the world... literally. But then again, we, humans will never be satisfied with what we have. I do find it rather shameful sometimes. But with such demands, we could not have been where we are today. Nobody is ever perfect, and so we question their capabilities and we expect something else which provides better outcomes in return.
Sometimes, I do feel like life would be much easier if we had that ruling of North Korea. Simple. No worries about anything, just living life as it is, given by the government. One protest, and you have your entire family, near and extended, everybody being thrown into prisons. If you get caught escaping, the whole family dies. Here, you are prohibited to ask or to even question the superior. The way we see it, that these people are living in hell. But when watching documentaries, they somewhat reflect how it was like when the ancients were ruling, dictatorship, godlike, and everybody was just afraid. But the fact that they know nothing, is actually saving themselves a whole load of fuss. Recently there was a video on north korean kids at the age of 4-5 playing guitars in such skills the was mind blowing. We cant say that they are uneducated, can we? We just dont know how it is like exactly, to be in their shoes, for we are much more comfortable in our own.
Where do we go from here? Protests going on every now and then. I hadn't been reading the newspaper for the whole year last year, for I knew they were white lies to begin with. When I was in Singapore recently, the taxi driver asked me about Anwar, and I had no clue what he was saying. I couldn't even bother to know what was going on in my own country and here we have a foreigner knowing about my country. And I believe I will continue to be ignorant about such matters. I believe all those havoc was caused by the people. Yes, one should be alert with what is happening, and what if I do? Am I supposed to join the protest? Does it make any difference between knowing and not knowing? =/
As a 19 year old, I am able to see and reflect on how kids behave. Kids are innocent and their reactions tell the whole lot of different story when being faced with a particular situation. I remember I was having mcD's and the table on my right had about 5 kids munching away on their happy meals. True enough, they were arguing on facts with the single parent who was there with them. I may have forgotten what the arguements was for, but I find it amusing on how kids think that they know everything with the little knowledge they have. And how they were truthful with what they know, was even more intriguing. For we all know adults have been through at least 2 decades of life, they should have much more knowledge than a 7-8 year olds. But they choose to keep their knowledge to themselves and use them when they need to.
Yes. Because the society has brought upon us such stigma. You show a little knowledge of yourself, you will be commented on, provably along the lines of, "oh? You are that smart now?". And if you don't display your intelligence, "you are dumb as hell". Simply because we, humans, have been granted rights for our very own wellbeing. Rights that would protect us from harm, rights that would give us a voice to speak upon, rights that would provide justice. As so we see it. Fact is, we have been abusing our rights. Fact is, that we are changing our time, in hopes to build a better future. Fact is, the rights are those that makes us feel like we have some sort of hidden super powers against the authorities.
If one would look and study properly, one would see how terrible the job of our dear leader is doing. And we would normally blame the leader as he/she is understood to be the head of the country, thus everything has to be approved by him/her before it could be carried out. And we would continue blaming until a change is given to us. We, citizens assume that the government is doing a bad job in helping to improve the nation, we protest, we demand, we question for more. We get angry because we were not given our rights. Or so we see.
We had a bersih rally last year. Which had caused me to miss my first ever ballet show. Unfortunately for my yellow car, it was better to stay home, and I could not support my friend for the show either. The protest was to show the government that we, the citizens want fair voting for this year's election. All of the protestants knew each and every detail about their rights in doing so before they took up the courage to team up for the protest. Those water bombs and tear gases? They had only made the citizens even more furious about the fact that they did not get their fair share of protesting in peace.
Though my question is, was all of these necessary? All those protest, demands and accusations? As we look at where we are, what we have and who we are today, had it not been a giant leap altogether? We have schools in just under a woodshacks and kids would just study happily then. We had that terrible war, which had scarred so many of us. We had terrorist after the war. We had jungles everywhere. One thing for sure is that we had almost everything we could ask for today.
But no, we still want to ask for more. I couldnt help but to envy the privileges students in the government school get these days. They get free textbooks to study with, lower school fees to pay and have better facilities than my time. Though it had only been two years since I got out from government school, they seem to have a better life than we did during my generation. They even got money/voucher to spend on whatever they need. And my question to you is, did you spend them with what you really need?
Talking about rights. We have never stopped arguing about that. Why? Because in the past, women were not given any rights at all. Look at what we have today, women dominating the world... literally. But then again, we, humans will never be satisfied with what we have. I do find it rather shameful sometimes. But with such demands, we could not have been where we are today. Nobody is ever perfect, and so we question their capabilities and we expect something else which provides better outcomes in return.
Sometimes, I do feel like life would be much easier if we had that ruling of North Korea. Simple. No worries about anything, just living life as it is, given by the government. One protest, and you have your entire family, near and extended, everybody being thrown into prisons. If you get caught escaping, the whole family dies. Here, you are prohibited to ask or to even question the superior. The way we see it, that these people are living in hell. But when watching documentaries, they somewhat reflect how it was like when the ancients were ruling, dictatorship, godlike, and everybody was just afraid. But the fact that they know nothing, is actually saving themselves a whole load of fuss. Recently there was a video on north korean kids at the age of 4-5 playing guitars in such skills the was mind blowing. We cant say that they are uneducated, can we? We just dont know how it is like exactly, to be in their shoes, for we are much more comfortable in our own.
Where do we go from here? Protests going on every now and then. I hadn't been reading the newspaper for the whole year last year, for I knew they were white lies to begin with. When I was in Singapore recently, the taxi driver asked me about Anwar, and I had no clue what he was saying. I couldn't even bother to know what was going on in my own country and here we have a foreigner knowing about my country. And I believe I will continue to be ignorant about such matters. I believe all those havoc was caused by the people. Yes, one should be alert with what is happening, and what if I do? Am I supposed to join the protest? Does it make any difference between knowing and not knowing? =/
Monday, January 23, 2012
hello there. =)
it has been awhile since i last posted about my journey to aussie, ey? haha! sorry. =( i have been busy worrying about not being able to see these people anymore. silly thought, i know, but i can't help but to feel so. and yeah, it did bring me under the wind for the past few days. heh.
but anyhow, here i am, 2 weeks away from my departure to my whole new life. i am actually exaggerating this. but yeah, it really did feel like i am about to begin my own life over there. everything will be totally different. it really does feel like a challenge for me.
what happened for the past whole week had been pretty laid back, little did i realise i did bring my some problems along the way, something that i pretty much couldn't see coming. probably the exitement was causing me to be ignorant about other important details that i have never thought existed, ever.
my brains had gone noodles since college ended. HAHAH
well, after i had handed in my application for Monash, all i had to do was wait for my agent to tell me to go ahead with the health check. supposedly, she told me to only purchase my flight ticket after i had the confirmation of the visa. but i was worried that the longer i waited, the more i had to pay for my flight. as i was observing the flight prices increasing at about rm100 per day. it was scaring me somehow, since i had to spend so much on my education itself, i wanted to try to save as much as i can. initially i did not want to fly airasia due to the very bad experience i had on my previous journey to Macau. but after some conversation with my aunt, i got convinced that it would be a better option to pick the cheaper flight after all. and then i had the problem on choosing which date i was supposed to fly over. assuming i had to search around for a place to stay before my orientation date, which falls on the 13th, i figured i should be there at least 5 days before that. sort of like a preparation and getting used to the place before i had to digest the fact that i will be in that uni for the next 3 years.
honestly. i was thinking too much. but i can't help it! everything was in need of some thoughts. i am actually planning for something that i have no clue how it would turn out. and it does intimidate me from time to time. after 3 days of frustration over the flight ticket problem, i made the decision to fly of on the 7th, giving me enough time to prepare a little before the orientation begins. midnight flight, i could just sleep in as i am that kind of a pig who sleeps almost anywhere comfortably. haha. yeah. and arrive on the 8th, which then leaves me with exactly 5 days to prepare myself. sounds like a good plan, yeah?
i thought so too. even got me checking in straight away after the purchase. well. now that i have a slight image of how things are gonna be, that was a wrong decision after all. for my sister had work on that day, which leaves me stranded for that day. oops. here is the one thing that i missed, that i did not think of. so much for overthinking. =/ for initially i thought i really could just pop by anytime and should be fine on my own. FACT : i needed to bunk in at her place for at least a day or two until i get my own place to stay, so yes. i NEED HER STILL! now. here is one problem by itself.
i could possibly change my flight to other days where she will be free to come pick me up from the airport, yes? but i already checked in. so.. i guess i need to contact AirAsia to see if i can change the flight, if i really do need to change my flight.
okay. one problem solved.
what's next?
my mobile number.
i am using prepaid! which means i have to constantly top up to prevent my number from being barred. which also means i have to switch plan to keep my number somehow. which also means i have to sacrifice my current plan : Super SMS where i can text all DiGi numbers for free for the whole day after spending 50cents on texting.
hrm... what am i gonna do about this one? or, i can sub in with my sister's plan, which she is planning to switch to Celcom if i am not mistaken. which also means it will cost a bomb for whoever who wishes to contact me. but of course, i will still have a new aussie number altogether. just that i would want to keep my Malaysian number just in case when i am back, i can use to contact people or people could use to contact me.
though i did stumble upon this plan from digi, where i can pay only rm30 and i can prevent being barred for the whole year. but i have to switch my plan to BestPrepaid plan. no more Super SMS for me. =/ as of now, it does look like the best option. still needs reconsidering.
speaking of a place to stay, my sister is spoon feeding me on this one. which then makes me realise, i doubt i would actually survive Australia on my own if it was not for her presence. she had already searched for houses for me. if it wasn't for her, i'd probably just PRAY that the uni has a place for me to stay. WAIT! but they had already told me if they had no place for me to stay, they could actually help me search for a place to stay, no way i was gonna be stranded there. but yeah, i would probably be too scared that i have no place to stay, and end up choosing some crappy place to stay or even being conned off my money. =O yes. i am blessed to have my sister with me every step of the way to Australia. she had been here all the while, and as much as i thought i would stop depending on them, it really does feel like i am not ready to be on my own at this rate.
well. i gotta learn someday, yeah?
and this is when i will start learning. =)
thank you, for everything.
it has been awhile since i last posted about my journey to aussie, ey? haha! sorry. =( i have been busy worrying about not being able to see these people anymore. silly thought, i know, but i can't help but to feel so. and yeah, it did bring me under the wind for the past few days. heh.
but anyhow, here i am, 2 weeks away from my departure to my whole new life. i am actually exaggerating this. but yeah, it really did feel like i am about to begin my own life over there. everything will be totally different. it really does feel like a challenge for me.
what happened for the past whole week had been pretty laid back, little did i realise i did bring my some problems along the way, something that i pretty much couldn't see coming. probably the exitement was causing me to be ignorant about other important details that i have never thought existed, ever.
my brains had gone noodles since college ended. HAHAH
well, after i had handed in my application for Monash, all i had to do was wait for my agent to tell me to go ahead with the health check. supposedly, she told me to only purchase my flight ticket after i had the confirmation of the visa. but i was worried that the longer i waited, the more i had to pay for my flight. as i was observing the flight prices increasing at about rm100 per day. it was scaring me somehow, since i had to spend so much on my education itself, i wanted to try to save as much as i can. initially i did not want to fly airasia due to the very bad experience i had on my previous journey to Macau. but after some conversation with my aunt, i got convinced that it would be a better option to pick the cheaper flight after all. and then i had the problem on choosing which date i was supposed to fly over. assuming i had to search around for a place to stay before my orientation date, which falls on the 13th, i figured i should be there at least 5 days before that. sort of like a preparation and getting used to the place before i had to digest the fact that i will be in that uni for the next 3 years.
honestly. i was thinking too much. but i can't help it! everything was in need of some thoughts. i am actually planning for something that i have no clue how it would turn out. and it does intimidate me from time to time. after 3 days of frustration over the flight ticket problem, i made the decision to fly of on the 7th, giving me enough time to prepare a little before the orientation begins. midnight flight, i could just sleep in as i am that kind of a pig who sleeps almost anywhere comfortably. haha. yeah. and arrive on the 8th, which then leaves me with exactly 5 days to prepare myself. sounds like a good plan, yeah?
i thought so too. even got me checking in straight away after the purchase. well. now that i have a slight image of how things are gonna be, that was a wrong decision after all. for my sister had work on that day, which leaves me stranded for that day. oops. here is the one thing that i missed, that i did not think of. so much for overthinking. =/ for initially i thought i really could just pop by anytime and should be fine on my own. FACT : i needed to bunk in at her place for at least a day or two until i get my own place to stay, so yes. i NEED HER STILL! now. here is one problem by itself.
i could possibly change my flight to other days where she will be free to come pick me up from the airport, yes? but i already checked in. so.. i guess i need to contact AirAsia to see if i can change the flight, if i really do need to change my flight.
okay. one problem solved.
what's next?
my mobile number.
i am using prepaid! which means i have to constantly top up to prevent my number from being barred. which also means i have to switch plan to keep my number somehow. which also means i have to sacrifice my current plan : Super SMS where i can text all DiGi numbers for free for the whole day after spending 50cents on texting.
hrm... what am i gonna do about this one? or, i can sub in with my sister's plan, which she is planning to switch to Celcom if i am not mistaken. which also means it will cost a bomb for whoever who wishes to contact me. but of course, i will still have a new aussie number altogether. just that i would want to keep my Malaysian number just in case when i am back, i can use to contact people or people could use to contact me.
though i did stumble upon this plan from digi, where i can pay only rm30 and i can prevent being barred for the whole year. but i have to switch my plan to BestPrepaid plan. no more Super SMS for me. =/ as of now, it does look like the best option. still needs reconsidering.
speaking of a place to stay, my sister is spoon feeding me on this one. which then makes me realise, i doubt i would actually survive Australia on my own if it was not for her presence. she had already searched for houses for me. if it wasn't for her, i'd probably just PRAY that the uni has a place for me to stay. WAIT! but they had already told me if they had no place for me to stay, they could actually help me search for a place to stay, no way i was gonna be stranded there. but yeah, i would probably be too scared that i have no place to stay, and end up choosing some crappy place to stay or even being conned off my money. =O yes. i am blessed to have my sister with me every step of the way to Australia. she had been here all the while, and as much as i thought i would stop depending on them, it really does feel like i am not ready to be on my own at this rate.
well. i gotta learn someday, yeah?
and this is when i will start learning. =)
thank you, for everything.
Friday, January 20, 2012
okay focus. mmmmh!
lol. i seriously need to focus on this one. cause it's some sort of a buried thought of mine that i never really thought of bringing it back into realtime. it didn't feel necessary at all, to be honest. but i somehow came across this thought, so i guess it is about time that i talk about this, in a proper manner, in an adult way... or so called adult way. let's just see if i will still come across this matter in a matter of... 10 years time from now? we shall see. time will indeed tell. alright, here goes nothing. =)
father. daddy.
i never really had the chance to use them almost ever. yes, i may use them in conversations, but it was never about mine. i choose not to talk about mine. as mentioned, it felt unnecessary. i would always go by the same old story. this story used to be one heck of a tough one to talk about when i was little, but as i grew up, i shortened the whole damn story into just one mere sentence. it was getting tired talking about the whole story from the beginning, in addition to the fact that i may not talk to these people whom i just told my whole long face numbing story from the start to the end, it didn't feel necessary to tell the whole story anymore. thus, it just tires me out.
"parents divorced, been staying with my aunt since two."
one sentence. short and simple, the icing of the cake, just enough. even with that, the person who had just listen to it would have been numbed and would not know how to respond to you already. hence, the awkwardness. which then gets much more tiring, trying to pump up a topic, changing that awkward moment there.
when i was a kid, i would walk about, looking at how my friends had happy families, mother, father, child, hand in hand, smilling and laughing. just being a happy family. i was really envious then. my mother was never really around, i have no idea who my father is like. i felt jealous that i could not have the same life my friends did. all this while, i grew up, living with my aunt and her family. no memories of being rejected by another family who took care of me for a short period of time until i was told about last year or so. i couldn't call my aunt mummy, or my uncle daddy, but i called my cousin brother and cousin sister, kor kor and jie jie, my aunt remains as yee yee and uncle as yee jiong.
watching my friends running towards their mothers and being loved and all ways possible. one friend whom i gotten close somewhere around the last year of primary school, got me envious, for i got to stay over at her place for a night, saw how her family was like. i didn't have that. but i had my aunt who had taken care of me, without fail, up until today. and my brother and sister who have gotten to accept me as their little sister. it wasn't until recently that my uncle had finally accepted me as 'family'.
blessed that i could grow up in this family, they were educated. could not have imagined what it would be like if i had not lived with this family. i owe this family my life. i really believe i do.
who my father is.
it's just one weird topic altogether to even be discussed about. i, have his genes, his blood, i do look like him in someways, but i don't know who he is, and best of all, i am actually afraid of him.
growing up, i only knew my father as someone who gets drunk and takes all my mother's hard earned money, just so he could go and buy more alcohol to be consumed. it gave me an image that all drunk people are scary, causing me to have this generalised thought that people will lose their minds when they are drunk, not caring about almost anything at all.
i was told that i am afraid of everything. would just cry at the sight of anything that would scare the crap out of me. those coin paid rides? where you see kids enjoying themselves on them? marry go rounds? i was afraid of those. and i was told that i was afraid was probably cause i saw my father hitting my mother or somesort that got me scared of EVERYTHING.
talk about conditioning and generalising. it is no doubt proven in my case. haha
if one were to ask me about my father,
i honestly have no clue who he is. i have only met him a few times in my life after i had started to stay with my aunt. even so, i was almost terrified whenever i meet him. and i believe i still am scared today. the fact that he is my father, and i know nothing of him, was just... unacceptable.
damn. my life really does seem screwed up. omg.
as you age, you start to discover more and more about the days when you had no clue what was happening when you were much younger. you tend to understand things better, accepting why it had happened, why it had to happen that way and it just goes on. the realisation part had always been the hardest part for me to accept.
it still is.
cause when you were younger, you couldn't bother less on what was happening, YOU JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN. there wasn't any point in understanding complicated things then.
when the teachers in my primary school asked the students to bring their birth cert, i would look at theirs on how different theirs were as compared to mine. i realised mine was printed on the year 1995. no, i was still born on 1993. it wasn't until last year that i knew why. it turns out that my father had come around to take my birthcert away from me or something, and that my aunt had to go file a police report, saying that it was missing, to replace the 'stolen' one. hence, the difference in my birthcert as compared to everyone else's. 1995. noted.
then sometime last year i was wondering, why didn't the marriage work out, and how come the marriage was so short that i had to live with my aunt since the age of 2. i questioned my mother, but i didn't get a clear answer, i made a conclusion that if i had existed, they would most probably had not gotten married in the first place. well, i got the answer just recently. parents wedding date : 25th August 1992. well. i was born on the 26th of February 1993. 7 months pregnancy. i do not recall any story about me being a baby that was lucky enough to survive a premature delivery. i guess my conclusion was proven right after all.
there have been countless number of times where i had blamed myself on everything that has happened around me. for i believed, nothing as bad as these would have occured if i had not existed in the first place. i could only imagine how much troubles everybody had to go through with this divorce and the fact that i was a child, who needed to grow up properly. it had definitely been a heck of a journey for all of them. both sides, everybody. just everybody. everybody...
fact that my mother had to leave me with my aunt, to work, to earn a living to support me, to make sure that i would grow up, having a normal life.
fact that i had to stay with my aunt's family eventhough i was not her own child, my aunt gave me all the love she could possibly give me.
fact that my uncle had to allow me into his house, and hold responsibilities for i was living under his roof.
fact that everybody had to go through so much crap, i really don't see how i could not blame myself for all this.
some may say it had been my parents fault in the first place. but the blame would be neverending that way.
i don't know what it feels like to have a proper mother's love nor a father's love. i don't even want to go near that thought sometimes. cause i would end up, stoning, not knowing how to respond. and honestly, sometimes i feel bad for my mother, cause i can't bond with her as much as i could with my aunt. it is as though, my aunt had become my mother while my mother had become my father. somesort that way. but i still feel unattached to my mother like how i should be, i tried, but i never really could.
i remember crying everytime my momma had to leave and go back for work. for i knew when she leaves, it would be months before i could see her again. but as i grew up, i got used to the fact that she would have to leave me anyhow, and it just felt as though it didn't really matter if she came back or not, cause she had to leave again. did the bond disappear? nope, she is still my mother, the fact that she still come home and tried to keep the bond was admirable.
as for my father? if i am not mistaken, i was forbidden to meet him until i was slightly older enough? about 6-7 years of age where i could see him again. i don't know, but he was just a complete black hole for me. i fear him somehow.
i am slightly lost in my own thoughts right now.
heh. sorry.
but i know i have to keep that bond with my mother, for she had sacrificed so much, just to make sure i grew up well. my father played no role in the process of me growing up, it was all my mother and my aunt.
complicants have always been around within families.
we all have our own different stories. and based on how we were brought up, it had definitely shaped us for who we are. i guess that sense of insecurity kicks in when people somehow could not accept you for who you are. you start wondering where had you gone wrong, when the fact is, you were perfect the way you are.
you can say that i am arrogant here, but i believe i have every right to be who i am today. looking back from where i came from, i am blessed.
" Hi! I'm Kimberly, my parents divorced and i have lived with my aunt and her family since the age of 2. =) "
that, should be sufficient enough, yeah?
lol. i seriously need to focus on this one. cause it's some sort of a buried thought of mine that i never really thought of bringing it back into realtime. it didn't feel necessary at all, to be honest. but i somehow came across this thought, so i guess it is about time that i talk about this, in a proper manner, in an adult way... or so called adult way. let's just see if i will still come across this matter in a matter of... 10 years time from now? we shall see. time will indeed tell. alright, here goes nothing. =)
father. daddy.
i never really had the chance to use them almost ever. yes, i may use them in conversations, but it was never about mine. i choose not to talk about mine. as mentioned, it felt unnecessary. i would always go by the same old story. this story used to be one heck of a tough one to talk about when i was little, but as i grew up, i shortened the whole damn story into just one mere sentence. it was getting tired talking about the whole story from the beginning, in addition to the fact that i may not talk to these people whom i just told my whole long face numbing story from the start to the end, it didn't feel necessary to tell the whole story anymore. thus, it just tires me out.
"parents divorced, been staying with my aunt since two."
one sentence. short and simple, the icing of the cake, just enough. even with that, the person who had just listen to it would have been numbed and would not know how to respond to you already. hence, the awkwardness. which then gets much more tiring, trying to pump up a topic, changing that awkward moment there.
when i was a kid, i would walk about, looking at how my friends had happy families, mother, father, child, hand in hand, smilling and laughing. just being a happy family. i was really envious then. my mother was never really around, i have no idea who my father is like. i felt jealous that i could not have the same life my friends did. all this while, i grew up, living with my aunt and her family. no memories of being rejected by another family who took care of me for a short period of time until i was told about last year or so. i couldn't call my aunt mummy, or my uncle daddy, but i called my cousin brother and cousin sister, kor kor and jie jie, my aunt remains as yee yee and uncle as yee jiong.
watching my friends running towards their mothers and being loved and all ways possible. one friend whom i gotten close somewhere around the last year of primary school, got me envious, for i got to stay over at her place for a night, saw how her family was like. i didn't have that. but i had my aunt who had taken care of me, without fail, up until today. and my brother and sister who have gotten to accept me as their little sister. it wasn't until recently that my uncle had finally accepted me as 'family'.
blessed that i could grow up in this family, they were educated. could not have imagined what it would be like if i had not lived with this family. i owe this family my life. i really believe i do.
who my father is.
it's just one weird topic altogether to even be discussed about. i, have his genes, his blood, i do look like him in someways, but i don't know who he is, and best of all, i am actually afraid of him.
growing up, i only knew my father as someone who gets drunk and takes all my mother's hard earned money, just so he could go and buy more alcohol to be consumed. it gave me an image that all drunk people are scary, causing me to have this generalised thought that people will lose their minds when they are drunk, not caring about almost anything at all.
i was told that i am afraid of everything. would just cry at the sight of anything that would scare the crap out of me. those coin paid rides? where you see kids enjoying themselves on them? marry go rounds? i was afraid of those. and i was told that i was afraid was probably cause i saw my father hitting my mother or somesort that got me scared of EVERYTHING.
talk about conditioning and generalising. it is no doubt proven in my case. haha
if one were to ask me about my father,
i honestly have no clue who he is. i have only met him a few times in my life after i had started to stay with my aunt. even so, i was almost terrified whenever i meet him. and i believe i still am scared today. the fact that he is my father, and i know nothing of him, was just... unacceptable.
damn. my life really does seem screwed up. omg.
as you age, you start to discover more and more about the days when you had no clue what was happening when you were much younger. you tend to understand things better, accepting why it had happened, why it had to happen that way and it just goes on. the realisation part had always been the hardest part for me to accept.
it still is.
cause when you were younger, you couldn't bother less on what was happening, YOU JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN. there wasn't any point in understanding complicated things then.
when the teachers in my primary school asked the students to bring their birth cert, i would look at theirs on how different theirs were as compared to mine. i realised mine was printed on the year 1995. no, i was still born on 1993. it wasn't until last year that i knew why. it turns out that my father had come around to take my birthcert away from me or something, and that my aunt had to go file a police report, saying that it was missing, to replace the 'stolen' one. hence, the difference in my birthcert as compared to everyone else's. 1995. noted.
then sometime last year i was wondering, why didn't the marriage work out, and how come the marriage was so short that i had to live with my aunt since the age of 2. i questioned my mother, but i didn't get a clear answer, i made a conclusion that if i had existed, they would most probably had not gotten married in the first place. well, i got the answer just recently. parents wedding date : 25th August 1992. well. i was born on the 26th of February 1993. 7 months pregnancy. i do not recall any story about me being a baby that was lucky enough to survive a premature delivery. i guess my conclusion was proven right after all.
there have been countless number of times where i had blamed myself on everything that has happened around me. for i believed, nothing as bad as these would have occured if i had not existed in the first place. i could only imagine how much troubles everybody had to go through with this divorce and the fact that i was a child, who needed to grow up properly. it had definitely been a heck of a journey for all of them. both sides, everybody. just everybody. everybody...
fact that my mother had to leave me with my aunt, to work, to earn a living to support me, to make sure that i would grow up, having a normal life.
fact that i had to stay with my aunt's family eventhough i was not her own child, my aunt gave me all the love she could possibly give me.
fact that my uncle had to allow me into his house, and hold responsibilities for i was living under his roof.
fact that everybody had to go through so much crap, i really don't see how i could not blame myself for all this.
some may say it had been my parents fault in the first place. but the blame would be neverending that way.
i don't know what it feels like to have a proper mother's love nor a father's love. i don't even want to go near that thought sometimes. cause i would end up, stoning, not knowing how to respond. and honestly, sometimes i feel bad for my mother, cause i can't bond with her as much as i could with my aunt. it is as though, my aunt had become my mother while my mother had become my father. somesort that way. but i still feel unattached to my mother like how i should be, i tried, but i never really could.
i remember crying everytime my momma had to leave and go back for work. for i knew when she leaves, it would be months before i could see her again. but as i grew up, i got used to the fact that she would have to leave me anyhow, and it just felt as though it didn't really matter if she came back or not, cause she had to leave again. did the bond disappear? nope, she is still my mother, the fact that she still come home and tried to keep the bond was admirable.
as for my father? if i am not mistaken, i was forbidden to meet him until i was slightly older enough? about 6-7 years of age where i could see him again. i don't know, but he was just a complete black hole for me. i fear him somehow.
i am slightly lost in my own thoughts right now.
heh. sorry.
but i know i have to keep that bond with my mother, for she had sacrificed so much, just to make sure i grew up well. my father played no role in the process of me growing up, it was all my mother and my aunt.
complicants have always been around within families.
we all have our own different stories. and based on how we were brought up, it had definitely shaped us for who we are. i guess that sense of insecurity kicks in when people somehow could not accept you for who you are. you start wondering where had you gone wrong, when the fact is, you were perfect the way you are.
you can say that i am arrogant here, but i believe i have every right to be who i am today. looking back from where i came from, i am blessed.
" Hi! I'm Kimberly, my parents divorced and i have lived with my aunt and her family since the age of 2. =) "
that, should be sufficient enough, yeah?
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
I am stubborn as hell.
Strong first sentence there, eyh? At least I am admitting something that I have been denying all my life. Yeah, I am still young, but this is as far as I can get. And the only way to continue on with my life, is to be completely honest with myself. Being stubborn had probably been the reason why guys only see me as a sister sort of person but never a girlfriend kinda person. I get to hardheaded that I just simply does not allow the person into my life however it is. Stubborn to a point where it worries both my mom and aunt. Stubborn enough to think that I am a boss of my own life once I step over into another country all by myself.
I soon realised the consequence I had been facing with my stubbornness. And I would have to say, I did try to be less stubborn, and be more of a listener. Little did I know, I have indeed opened myself up to different things as compared than those days where I kept myself restricted. Listening to what matters most, what they have to say, probably having it the way they were trying to tell me. Well honestly, it provided me with a much safer path, with knowing what I was about to face, things became easier to accept.
Being stubborn, is something I grew up with. If one asks me to change immediately, that is bullshit. It takes time, but the decision had been made. I didnt want to worry my mom and my aunt, and be some dumbtard over there in Australia all alone, for not wanting to listen to advices.
Cause honestly, I thought I would be prepared for anything. Thought stand corrected. For I recently went Singapore with a friend of mine. It was just the two of us, barely even reaching our mental adult ages, all alone in Singapore. I honestly felt like a kid when I was there, waiting for a cab to the hotel. It was then that I realised how stubborn I had been all this while. Yes, I may have let my hair down during my college year, but I was still stubborn regardless. The fact that I was being a hardheaded atheist sometime last year, proved so. Because by the end of the year, I found myself believing in god. Though I have no clue who I was praying to, or what religion I was praying with, I just felt stupid for resisting the presence of god.
Did that not prove how stubborn I had been? I should very well be an agnostic. Some wicked story behind that believe, religion just seemed like some crap all over again. I dont think I would have enough days in my lifetime to learn about all kinds of religions before I die, if I were to be a freethinker, trying to accept every religion there is out there, I'll probably end up crazy, trying to link one to the other and why it was different to begin with, eventhough there are evidence of the same story somewhere within those teachings. A stubborn person like me, refuse to admit that I believed that god existed. Simply because I didnt want to depend on Him.
But I was brought up to be visiting temples. Not much of churches, but temples. It was only when I was growing up that friends invited me for church gathering and events and such. I, never fail to feel dizzy after the services. Never once. Today, I realise, it was because I'd me resisting the presence of god, and the fact that I did not understand who were they praying to with that amount of devotion, got me thinking alot; just gets my head feeling extremely heavy. The perks of being stubborn. ;D
I came across a good friend of mine, praying on random occasions, telling me that she believes god had planned things for her and that He was listening to her. Got me really sceptical. Considering how much a good friend can really influence you, this, is one. What she told me, got me thinking. ALOT.
As the year was coming to an end, I saw myself wanting to go temples to pray for a good result with my wace and also praying that He would take care of both my mom and aunt for me while I will be away, busy finding my own life. It just felt like it was necessary. And that was all I asked for. It was something I couldnt do on my own, but I wanted to have that secure feeling that someone would be out there, looking out for the two of them. I pray. While praying, the praying guy who was humming chants to the god asking god to protect me and all sorts, the only thing I did then was, "no, don't protect me, protect my mom and my aunt, not me". That was what I was saying in my head the whole time when he chanted.
I prayed to kuan yin. God should be a she... Omg. Screw that shit. I just wanted to admit that I do pray. Religions, gods, beliefs, it all depends on the individual.
Actually stumbled across this video on youtube, a poem on how this guy loves Jesus but not the religion. And then there was a response video by this atheist guy, dressed in a worn out t-shirt, holding a glass of wine, using the f word as though it was ABC. I understand that the atheist disagrees with what the poem video was about, but. What I did not understand was why he couldnt just question and comment in a manner that could be much more... Smart? It felt offensive, the way he responded to that poem video about how different between believing in god and believing in the religion. That poem had no sense of offensiveness, yet the response given by this responses video was indeed a brainless one. Couldnt help but to stop watching after a minute in. Truth is, we all have different opinions on what we believe in, there is not one opinion that is right nor wrong, thus there was no point of proving that your opinion is the right one at all. Being offensive is just inappropriate. We may question, we may comment, BUT NOT THRASH! Dear brainless people, please, for the sake of humanity, please use your brains eventhough we believe that it is empty up there. =/
Owh, and that video got me thinking of how stubborn I was. Saw myself being reflected a little by that atheist guy, honestly. And it got me thinking. Stubborn? Right now, I have decided to throw that away, burrying it in the earth where it could never be found again. In order to lessen the worry feeling in my dear mother and my dear auntie, I hereby decide to stop being stubborn and resistant. I, will get there. =)
Strong first sentence there, eyh? At least I am admitting something that I have been denying all my life. Yeah, I am still young, but this is as far as I can get. And the only way to continue on with my life, is to be completely honest with myself. Being stubborn had probably been the reason why guys only see me as a sister sort of person but never a girlfriend kinda person. I get to hardheaded that I just simply does not allow the person into my life however it is. Stubborn to a point where it worries both my mom and aunt. Stubborn enough to think that I am a boss of my own life once I step over into another country all by myself.
I soon realised the consequence I had been facing with my stubbornness. And I would have to say, I did try to be less stubborn, and be more of a listener. Little did I know, I have indeed opened myself up to different things as compared than those days where I kept myself restricted. Listening to what matters most, what they have to say, probably having it the way they were trying to tell me. Well honestly, it provided me with a much safer path, with knowing what I was about to face, things became easier to accept.
Being stubborn, is something I grew up with. If one asks me to change immediately, that is bullshit. It takes time, but the decision had been made. I didnt want to worry my mom and my aunt, and be some dumbtard over there in Australia all alone, for not wanting to listen to advices.
Cause honestly, I thought I would be prepared for anything. Thought stand corrected. For I recently went Singapore with a friend of mine. It was just the two of us, barely even reaching our mental adult ages, all alone in Singapore. I honestly felt like a kid when I was there, waiting for a cab to the hotel. It was then that I realised how stubborn I had been all this while. Yes, I may have let my hair down during my college year, but I was still stubborn regardless. The fact that I was being a hardheaded atheist sometime last year, proved so. Because by the end of the year, I found myself believing in god. Though I have no clue who I was praying to, or what religion I was praying with, I just felt stupid for resisting the presence of god.
Did that not prove how stubborn I had been? I should very well be an agnostic. Some wicked story behind that believe, religion just seemed like some crap all over again. I dont think I would have enough days in my lifetime to learn about all kinds of religions before I die, if I were to be a freethinker, trying to accept every religion there is out there, I'll probably end up crazy, trying to link one to the other and why it was different to begin with, eventhough there are evidence of the same story somewhere within those teachings. A stubborn person like me, refuse to admit that I believed that god existed. Simply because I didnt want to depend on Him.
But I was brought up to be visiting temples. Not much of churches, but temples. It was only when I was growing up that friends invited me for church gathering and events and such. I, never fail to feel dizzy after the services. Never once. Today, I realise, it was because I'd me resisting the presence of god, and the fact that I did not understand who were they praying to with that amount of devotion, got me thinking alot; just gets my head feeling extremely heavy. The perks of being stubborn. ;D
I came across a good friend of mine, praying on random occasions, telling me that she believes god had planned things for her and that He was listening to her. Got me really sceptical. Considering how much a good friend can really influence you, this, is one. What she told me, got me thinking. ALOT.
As the year was coming to an end, I saw myself wanting to go temples to pray for a good result with my wace and also praying that He would take care of both my mom and aunt for me while I will be away, busy finding my own life. It just felt like it was necessary. And that was all I asked for. It was something I couldnt do on my own, but I wanted to have that secure feeling that someone would be out there, looking out for the two of them. I pray. While praying, the praying guy who was humming chants to the god asking god to protect me and all sorts, the only thing I did then was, "no, don't protect me, protect my mom and my aunt, not me". That was what I was saying in my head the whole time when he chanted.
I prayed to kuan yin. God should be a she... Omg. Screw that shit. I just wanted to admit that I do pray. Religions, gods, beliefs, it all depends on the individual.
Actually stumbled across this video on youtube, a poem on how this guy loves Jesus but not the religion. And then there was a response video by this atheist guy, dressed in a worn out t-shirt, holding a glass of wine, using the f word as though it was ABC. I understand that the atheist disagrees with what the poem video was about, but. What I did not understand was why he couldnt just question and comment in a manner that could be much more... Smart? It felt offensive, the way he responded to that poem video about how different between believing in god and believing in the religion. That poem had no sense of offensiveness, yet the response given by this responses video was indeed a brainless one. Couldnt help but to stop watching after a minute in. Truth is, we all have different opinions on what we believe in, there is not one opinion that is right nor wrong, thus there was no point of proving that your opinion is the right one at all. Being offensive is just inappropriate. We may question, we may comment, BUT NOT THRASH! Dear brainless people, please, for the sake of humanity, please use your brains eventhough we believe that it is empty up there. =/
Owh, and that video got me thinking of how stubborn I was. Saw myself being reflected a little by that atheist guy, honestly. And it got me thinking. Stubborn? Right now, I have decided to throw that away, burrying it in the earth where it could never be found again. In order to lessen the worry feeling in my dear mother and my dear auntie, I hereby decide to stop being stubborn and resistant. I, will get there. =)
Monday, January 16, 2012
i remembered there was a period of time where i was writing to my friends, back at the previous school before i shifted to puchong. reminiscing those days, i decided to search around the house for those hidden treasures. sure enough, they were still there, a piece of the past that could not be turned over or changed in anyway. it felt as though time had stopped for a while, going back to those days when i got those letters.
it was then, when we were still young, facebook wasnt as easily accesible, phones were restricted because we were still too young to manage our own expenditure on the credits, and we couldn't drive out to meet each other as easily as we could today. then, writing letters were actually one magic that kept our friendship strong until this very day. it all depends on how truthful the contents were, and that honesty does play a huge role on how the friendship would last after a few years down the road.
best of all, these letters written by them can be kept, and it will somehow turn antique. one you can look at in the future, and reminisce on what had happened. unlike how we have conversations on facebook or texts, we can't really keep those. and if i feel frustrated, and because it was that easily accesable, out of frustration, i would just click the 'delete' button and there it goes, nowhere to be found again. one can choose to throw letters and cards too. but the fact that it is RARE to get cards and letter these days, we would actually think a few times before we dispose them. and would probably end up with us tossing them somewhere, until time would stop us to make us look at it once more. imagine if it had already been burnt, we would have regretted that move we made that decision in the first place.
technology has yet to be as romantic as how the past used to be. we would see how touching a mere letter from her dear husband who is far away, probably in war, would mean to this lonely wife back at home, waiting in agony. that's an idea i got from a movie i watched quite sometime ago. i understood what it felt like. writing had always been a tough thing to do. try asking someone random to write something random, it would probably be much more difficult as compared to saying it out. one does not realise the exquisite feeling one gets when one writes on a piece of paper, specially for that special someone, and for that someone to receive that specially written message, is indeed breathtaking.
much exaggerations, though i doubt i can be proved wrong in this term. we may have people writing fake responses from time to time, but we can never tell. and because it is harder to interprete a written letter, a person has to write in a manner where it would be understood by the reader. writing would have to be as detailed as possible in order to be understood, for in general, people have different perception in things. it could be the factor that people tend to get slightly lazy when they are bombarded with a page full or words. there had to be something in there somewhere, no? and if someone finds NOTHING in it, they would probably have wasted their time on reading through the whole thing.
there had not one time where writing had been a complete waste. there had always been some secret message hidden within each message WRITTEN. otherwise, why spend so much time WRITING? even when one tries to waste time by writing, there had been an intention, some substance somewhere. for writing requires substance. however fictional it may be, however truthful it is, there is a reason somewhere, somewhere.
i still find writing letters really thoughtful. even if it is just a mere birthday card with the words printed, happy birthday and a signature right at the bottom of the card, it means something. that person may not have the guts to write something, but he or she had the heart to get a card, to make an effort in placing the signature there and giving it to you.
a person like me who keeps letters and cards given to me, tells me alot. it keeps me feeling secure, that i had people who cared for me and that i should not be worried for whatever the future brings, for at that particular moment, these people were there, these people had me in their minds, these people cared, these people were just who they were. though times in the future may tell you, 'where had this person disappeared to? i used to get such awesome wishes and all, but where are you now?!', does it really matter? your past was awesome as it is, people change, life wooshes everyone everywhere, at least you had an awesome past. nothing else really matters. =)
i read people's blogs. they tell a different story that you don't really see in face time.
writing a personal letter someone means the world to you, and also to the other person, who will be reading it. definitely something you can ever get through facebook messages or even emails.
blogs are of a different case altogether. blogs are dependent on how the bloggers uses it. if it is meant to touch people's lives, then it could very well do so. maybe some would just spam their daily lives as their relieval for their stressful days. dependent.
writing is just different.
it was then, when we were still young, facebook wasnt as easily accesible, phones were restricted because we were still too young to manage our own expenditure on the credits, and we couldn't drive out to meet each other as easily as we could today. then, writing letters were actually one magic that kept our friendship strong until this very day. it all depends on how truthful the contents were, and that honesty does play a huge role on how the friendship would last after a few years down the road.
best of all, these letters written by them can be kept, and it will somehow turn antique. one you can look at in the future, and reminisce on what had happened. unlike how we have conversations on facebook or texts, we can't really keep those. and if i feel frustrated, and because it was that easily accesable, out of frustration, i would just click the 'delete' button and there it goes, nowhere to be found again. one can choose to throw letters and cards too. but the fact that it is RARE to get cards and letter these days, we would actually think a few times before we dispose them. and would probably end up with us tossing them somewhere, until time would stop us to make us look at it once more. imagine if it had already been burnt, we would have regretted that move we made that decision in the first place.
technology has yet to be as romantic as how the past used to be. we would see how touching a mere letter from her dear husband who is far away, probably in war, would mean to this lonely wife back at home, waiting in agony. that's an idea i got from a movie i watched quite sometime ago. i understood what it felt like. writing had always been a tough thing to do. try asking someone random to write something random, it would probably be much more difficult as compared to saying it out. one does not realise the exquisite feeling one gets when one writes on a piece of paper, specially for that special someone, and for that someone to receive that specially written message, is indeed breathtaking.
much exaggerations, though i doubt i can be proved wrong in this term. we may have people writing fake responses from time to time, but we can never tell. and because it is harder to interprete a written letter, a person has to write in a manner where it would be understood by the reader. writing would have to be as detailed as possible in order to be understood, for in general, people have different perception in things. it could be the factor that people tend to get slightly lazy when they are bombarded with a page full or words. there had to be something in there somewhere, no? and if someone finds NOTHING in it, they would probably have wasted their time on reading through the whole thing.
there had not one time where writing had been a complete waste. there had always been some secret message hidden within each message WRITTEN. otherwise, why spend so much time WRITING? even when one tries to waste time by writing, there had been an intention, some substance somewhere. for writing requires substance. however fictional it may be, however truthful it is, there is a reason somewhere, somewhere.
i still find writing letters really thoughtful. even if it is just a mere birthday card with the words printed, happy birthday and a signature right at the bottom of the card, it means something. that person may not have the guts to write something, but he or she had the heart to get a card, to make an effort in placing the signature there and giving it to you.
a person like me who keeps letters and cards given to me, tells me alot. it keeps me feeling secure, that i had people who cared for me and that i should not be worried for whatever the future brings, for at that particular moment, these people were there, these people had me in their minds, these people cared, these people were just who they were. though times in the future may tell you, 'where had this person disappeared to? i used to get such awesome wishes and all, but where are you now?!', does it really matter? your past was awesome as it is, people change, life wooshes everyone everywhere, at least you had an awesome past. nothing else really matters. =)
i read people's blogs. they tell a different story that you don't really see in face time.
writing a personal letter someone means the world to you, and also to the other person, who will be reading it. definitely something you can ever get through facebook messages or even emails.
blogs are of a different case altogether. blogs are dependent on how the bloggers uses it. if it is meant to touch people's lives, then it could very well do so. maybe some would just spam their daily lives as their relieval for their stressful days. dependent.
writing is just different.
Behind every happiness, there lies a story of hardship that had to be faced beforehand.
There is no such thing as a spoon fed happiness or even a success. For each and every effort plays a big role in contributing to the award given at the end of the ordeal, that satisfactory feeling that it had all been worth it, that it was all necessary to begin with.
We all have our own stories to tell the world, but what we dont realise sometimes, is that the others had their own stories too, stories that made them for who they are today. And when we listen to them, listening to them sincerely, we subconsciously open ourselves to what other possibilities of a 'happy ending' would turn out to be like. Such happy endings should inspire us, to create our own happy ending and not trying to be photocopy machines, thinking that we too could have the exact happy ending as they had. After all, we all live our own lives, we decided what we do, and our lives are only dependent on what we do. Though we have similarities every now and then, but we never find two individuals having the exact DNA profiles, personalities, and what more, life?
If you do stop to wonder, why is it that you would have to go through so much trouble when you were to do something. Be it organising a trip, planning your future, or even deciding what to eat. Sometimes we were spoilt with choices that we just dont know which was the best option. Some would have to go through a longer and much more gruelling journey before they could find their happily ever after. You hear people telling you stories, sometimes, you feel as though your journey had been a rougher one and you couldnt bother less about what the other person has to say. But hey, a little listening doesn't hurt, does it? It's just that weird pleasure we have when we share our journeys with others, surely you'd like to be heard too. After all, it is not your responsibility in determining their happily ever after, it would still be their own effort anyhow.
By the end of the day, those rough paths would end up with us finding what we all have been searching for, our happily ever after moment. I used to think happily ever afters were bullshit. Well, I guess cause the journey has yet to reach its end yet, and it does feel like I am reaching it somehow, someday. I will. I definitely will. And if you thought you found it, but suddenly something else comes up and tosses everything upside down, it just means that you havent reach it yet. You'll get there someday. The day where you feel genuinely happy and sincerely peaceful, both in your heart, mind and soul.
Nobody is born wicked.
There is no such thing as a spoon fed happiness or even a success. For each and every effort plays a big role in contributing to the award given at the end of the ordeal, that satisfactory feeling that it had all been worth it, that it was all necessary to begin with.
We all have our own stories to tell the world, but what we dont realise sometimes, is that the others had their own stories too, stories that made them for who they are today. And when we listen to them, listening to them sincerely, we subconsciously open ourselves to what other possibilities of a 'happy ending' would turn out to be like. Such happy endings should inspire us, to create our own happy ending and not trying to be photocopy machines, thinking that we too could have the exact happy ending as they had. After all, we all live our own lives, we decided what we do, and our lives are only dependent on what we do. Though we have similarities every now and then, but we never find two individuals having the exact DNA profiles, personalities, and what more, life?
If you do stop to wonder, why is it that you would have to go through so much trouble when you were to do something. Be it organising a trip, planning your future, or even deciding what to eat. Sometimes we were spoilt with choices that we just dont know which was the best option. Some would have to go through a longer and much more gruelling journey before they could find their happily ever after. You hear people telling you stories, sometimes, you feel as though your journey had been a rougher one and you couldnt bother less about what the other person has to say. But hey, a little listening doesn't hurt, does it? It's just that weird pleasure we have when we share our journeys with others, surely you'd like to be heard too. After all, it is not your responsibility in determining their happily ever after, it would still be their own effort anyhow.
By the end of the day, those rough paths would end up with us finding what we all have been searching for, our happily ever after moment. I used to think happily ever afters were bullshit. Well, I guess cause the journey has yet to reach its end yet, and it does feel like I am reaching it somehow, someday. I will. I definitely will. And if you thought you found it, but suddenly something else comes up and tosses everything upside down, it just means that you havent reach it yet. You'll get there someday. The day where you feel genuinely happy and sincerely peaceful, both in your heart, mind and soul.
Nobody is born wicked.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
What an audition is like.
I have yet to get myself to audition once. But this would be my first time being at a venue where an audition is being held. Here in Singapore again for the 2nd time in less than a months interval, accompanying my dear friend for the audition. Trying out to be a chance to be a jyp training. It's a kpop company, that brought Wonder Girls, 2am, 2pm and Miss A to existence. Well, as a kpop fan myself, I should probably be participating in the audition as well, yes? But. I chose not to.
Being a kpop artist in training, I would have to give up my social life, I would say being a slave to the company. But this, is a dream to some people for getting the chance to be a kpop star, what more under this well known name of jyp. You would have to have the talent and commitment like no other just to be one. There was practically so much that the company demands for, it felt like I would not have a chance anyways. Knowing that I wasnt willing to give up my social life, especially my blog, this one commitment is rather difficult for me to give it up.
I remember I used to have a dream of being a kpop artist. Back when I was in high school, with practically no hopes to look up to, being lazy to think of the future, being an artist is like the easiest thing to do then. =P
But I have my future planned now, and that I am moments away from fulfilling it, being a kpop star seems ridiculous now. Heh. Hypocrite bitch I am. But I am honest. >< besides, I know my voice isnt consistent and strong enough to be considered. What if I was lucky enough to actually be chosen to be a trainee? Nope. I'd give this one up still.
As I was in line, accompanying my friend with her registration, I glance through the many hopefuls, trying to see what the judges may seem to be interested in. From the experience of looking at array of kpop artists out there, only a few were the creme de la creme out of the rest. Those who got my attention the moment I glance through the crowd. For sure everyone was looking at their best, yes? Some were already looking like potential artists. Others weren't as much. Stereotyping, yeah. But if speaking about talents, it is hopeful that some would be good enough to wow the judges. That would be really cool, honestly. =) those would probably be worth for the company to keep as trainees.
Fact that they even try out for this was already respectable. Not many would actually dare to try out. People like me, for instance. Only problem was that, some people think that they were good enough when they actually weren't, would probably annoy the judges. =/
Looking at people walking out from the room. Feeling nervous for my friend now. =O We both know it is impossible to get through, but it was still worth a try, it was her dream. It was mine too, but I dropped it, and I came by to support hers. I was already having another dream becoming a reality, it would be too much if I wanted too many dreams at the same time, no?
"so many awkward moments in my dance"
Mmh. Everybody is coming out rejected. See? It's not that easy, man. Thus the guts is something I respect. =)
But there is one thing that annoys the crap out of me. Kpop stars wannabes. They have this distinct aura that makes me feel like they exist to annoy the crap our of other proper kpop fans. These people would be going on an on about how they love this artist, tries irritating their dance, singing and also style. It was as though they have lost their own identity and were trying to be awesome like their idols. They dont understand that they dont have the talent yet thinking that they have it all, the whole damn package to be like one of their idolized artists. There is a difference between the types of fans out there.
I think I just did some thrashing at that previous paragraph. Well, as a kpop fan myself, I do get annoyed by them. =/
Anyhoo. Being a kpop artist is a big deal. You train your vocals, practise your dance choreos and learn entertainment things for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You practically have only sufficient time to do almost nothing at all. What is fixed, is your schedule and you work with the schedule given to you. I dont know what life exactly is like when you are a kpop star, all I know is that they are constantly working and they have no time for themselves. If you are in a group, you would have to bond really well with them, as they will be your family until your stardom fades. And your fans are the only support you can get, aside from your surrogate family. For it will be difficult for you to even reach out to your own social circle in the midst of that packed schedule. =(
Sacrifices are indeed necessary when the 'want' is there.
10.36am, 14th Jan 2012.
I have yet to get myself to audition once. But this would be my first time being at a venue where an audition is being held. Here in Singapore again for the 2nd time in less than a months interval, accompanying my dear friend for the audition. Trying out to be a chance to be a jyp training. It's a kpop company, that brought Wonder Girls, 2am, 2pm and Miss A to existence. Well, as a kpop fan myself, I should probably be participating in the audition as well, yes? But. I chose not to.
Being a kpop artist in training, I would have to give up my social life, I would say being a slave to the company. But this, is a dream to some people for getting the chance to be a kpop star, what more under this well known name of jyp. You would have to have the talent and commitment like no other just to be one. There was practically so much that the company demands for, it felt like I would not have a chance anyways. Knowing that I wasnt willing to give up my social life, especially my blog, this one commitment is rather difficult for me to give it up.
I remember I used to have a dream of being a kpop artist. Back when I was in high school, with practically no hopes to look up to, being lazy to think of the future, being an artist is like the easiest thing to do then. =P
But I have my future planned now, and that I am moments away from fulfilling it, being a kpop star seems ridiculous now. Heh. Hypocrite bitch I am. But I am honest. >< besides, I know my voice isnt consistent and strong enough to be considered. What if I was lucky enough to actually be chosen to be a trainee? Nope. I'd give this one up still.
As I was in line, accompanying my friend with her registration, I glance through the many hopefuls, trying to see what the judges may seem to be interested in. From the experience of looking at array of kpop artists out there, only a few were the creme de la creme out of the rest. Those who got my attention the moment I glance through the crowd. For sure everyone was looking at their best, yes? Some were already looking like potential artists. Others weren't as much. Stereotyping, yeah. But if speaking about talents, it is hopeful that some would be good enough to wow the judges. That would be really cool, honestly. =) those would probably be worth for the company to keep as trainees.
Fact that they even try out for this was already respectable. Not many would actually dare to try out. People like me, for instance. Only problem was that, some people think that they were good enough when they actually weren't, would probably annoy the judges. =/
Looking at people walking out from the room. Feeling nervous for my friend now. =O We both know it is impossible to get through, but it was still worth a try, it was her dream. It was mine too, but I dropped it, and I came by to support hers. I was already having another dream becoming a reality, it would be too much if I wanted too many dreams at the same time, no?
"so many awkward moments in my dance"
Mmh. Everybody is coming out rejected. See? It's not that easy, man. Thus the guts is something I respect. =)
But there is one thing that annoys the crap out of me. Kpop stars wannabes. They have this distinct aura that makes me feel like they exist to annoy the crap our of other proper kpop fans. These people would be going on an on about how they love this artist, tries irritating their dance, singing and also style. It was as though they have lost their own identity and were trying to be awesome like their idols. They dont understand that they dont have the talent yet thinking that they have it all, the whole damn package to be like one of their idolized artists. There is a difference between the types of fans out there.
I think I just did some thrashing at that previous paragraph. Well, as a kpop fan myself, I do get annoyed by them. =/
Anyhoo. Being a kpop artist is a big deal. You train your vocals, practise your dance choreos and learn entertainment things for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You practically have only sufficient time to do almost nothing at all. What is fixed, is your schedule and you work with the schedule given to you. I dont know what life exactly is like when you are a kpop star, all I know is that they are constantly working and they have no time for themselves. If you are in a group, you would have to bond really well with them, as they will be your family until your stardom fades. And your fans are the only support you can get, aside from your surrogate family. For it will be difficult for you to even reach out to your own social circle in the midst of that packed schedule. =(
Sacrifices are indeed necessary when the 'want' is there.
10.36am, 14th Jan 2012.
Friday, January 13, 2012
" girls fucking hate each other"
True that. And thank goodness for the existence of Jenna Marbles, who knows she actually manage to make some differences with her honest thoughts through her YouTube videos. People in general prefer watching 'funny' videos and she has them. How she portrays and tackles certain topics, actually amuses me. Her honesty struck me the most. Especially with her usage of "fuck" at almost every sentence possible, where she placed them were somehow appropriate and doesnt make me stop to cringe for abit. I am quite sensitive to this word, to be honest. I guess it was due to it being overused at unnecessary times. But she, uses them appropriately somehow. It just hits the right place.
There has to be an inspiration for every post, or even any action to be precise. There would have to be somemore of factor that would be the cause of something else to happen, yes? And today, I saw a newly posted video by Jenna Marbles about how girls hate each other. I was agreeing with everything she said. Impressed that she still managed to make it entertaining eventhough it may be some serious matter to talk about.
As a matter of fact, it is precisely the reason why I prefer to hang out more with the guys as compared to the girls. I feel extremely insecure whenever I am around girls, that feeling whereby I will constantly be judged by every move I take, every word I say, at almost everything. It can get terrifying as it progresses. Though it really does depend in each individual. But as I see it, girls are always talking about other people. If given the chance, they would compare themselves with the others. Some kind of competition to be the best out of the best. Maybe. It still happens regardless. Unlike guys, they just go freely with everything and anything. They are most honest when they say, "nothing". For a girl, "nothing" literally means EVERYTHING.
I, am a girl. I judge too, hence the existence of insecurity. It terrifies me, for I would find more and more of my own flaws when I am around girls. They can say almost anything. Even without you asking, they would have the answer ready already. Guys? They wont give it much thoughts, until the moment they think of it or when you ask at that specific moment. "why think so much" they would say, fact is, our brains are filled with almost EVERYTHING. I wish I know why, but we just do. =/ it gets quite tiring trying to figure this out though.
Even right now, I am really tired. But I just feel like talking about this.
I like how the boys think. Minus all those dirty thoughts and the excessive cursings, yeap, it's mostly clear and peaceful. Finding a guy who hates another guy's is pretty uncommon if you ask me, I would definitely say something is seriously wrong with that dude, cause guys would say that they are angry or they couldnt care less about those that dont require their attention. Girls? "I hate this person", and the reasons would normally be unreasonable. And they have tons to backup on why she hates them. We can see girls getting jealous more often and hating much more too. Even with people they DON'T KNOW. And girls would always complain that the guys are never understanding, I question if they actually tried understanding boys before they say that. I pity the boys. =/ I really do.
Girls are complicated as hell. >=(
Accept my own flaws as a girl and flaunt it. Sure, I accepted the fact that I am not the best of the best, yet I STILL watch what people have to say about me. I'd say I could use them to improve myself. But the truth is, as much as I try to improve myself, I will never be the best. I try not to let the comments bother me, I guess trying still needs some reinforcements.
True that. And thank goodness for the existence of Jenna Marbles, who knows she actually manage to make some differences with her honest thoughts through her YouTube videos. People in general prefer watching 'funny' videos and she has them. How she portrays and tackles certain topics, actually amuses me. Her honesty struck me the most. Especially with her usage of "fuck" at almost every sentence possible, where she placed them were somehow appropriate and doesnt make me stop to cringe for abit. I am quite sensitive to this word, to be honest. I guess it was due to it being overused at unnecessary times. But she, uses them appropriately somehow. It just hits the right place.
There has to be an inspiration for every post, or even any action to be precise. There would have to be somemore of factor that would be the cause of something else to happen, yes? And today, I saw a newly posted video by Jenna Marbles about how girls hate each other. I was agreeing with everything she said. Impressed that she still managed to make it entertaining eventhough it may be some serious matter to talk about.
As a matter of fact, it is precisely the reason why I prefer to hang out more with the guys as compared to the girls. I feel extremely insecure whenever I am around girls, that feeling whereby I will constantly be judged by every move I take, every word I say, at almost everything. It can get terrifying as it progresses. Though it really does depend in each individual. But as I see it, girls are always talking about other people. If given the chance, they would compare themselves with the others. Some kind of competition to be the best out of the best. Maybe. It still happens regardless. Unlike guys, they just go freely with everything and anything. They are most honest when they say, "nothing". For a girl, "nothing" literally means EVERYTHING.
I, am a girl. I judge too, hence the existence of insecurity. It terrifies me, for I would find more and more of my own flaws when I am around girls. They can say almost anything. Even without you asking, they would have the answer ready already. Guys? They wont give it much thoughts, until the moment they think of it or when you ask at that specific moment. "why think so much" they would say, fact is, our brains are filled with almost EVERYTHING. I wish I know why, but we just do. =/ it gets quite tiring trying to figure this out though.
Even right now, I am really tired. But I just feel like talking about this.
I like how the boys think. Minus all those dirty thoughts and the excessive cursings, yeap, it's mostly clear and peaceful. Finding a guy who hates another guy's is pretty uncommon if you ask me, I would definitely say something is seriously wrong with that dude, cause guys would say that they are angry or they couldnt care less about those that dont require their attention. Girls? "I hate this person", and the reasons would normally be unreasonable. And they have tons to backup on why she hates them. We can see girls getting jealous more often and hating much more too. Even with people they DON'T KNOW. And girls would always complain that the guys are never understanding, I question if they actually tried understanding boys before they say that. I pity the boys. =/ I really do.
Girls are complicated as hell. >=(
Accept my own flaws as a girl and flaunt it. Sure, I accepted the fact that I am not the best of the best, yet I STILL watch what people have to say about me. I'd say I could use them to improve myself. But the truth is, as much as I try to improve myself, I will never be the best. I try not to let the comments bother me, I guess trying still needs some reinforcements.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
I won't give up talking to the moon for a thousand years.
Three song titles placed alongside each other in that manner, sounds really sweet somehow. =')
My sister's wedding. Fell on the very spectacular date of 8th January 2012. The skies threatened to dampen our moods and all those planning my dear sister did. Thank goodness the Sun shone over and won the battle against the rain. The garden wedding went on smoothly with the skies that had lost the battle, providing all if the guest with a cloudy carpet of shade. Not too hot, no rain, just splendid. It was a picture perfect sky. Picture perfect bride, picture perfect marriage.
She, is finally wedded. It was only last year, September that, my brother signed his marriage cert with his wife. And now, a wedding for my sister. Nope. It was meant to be. Somehow. Brother's ceremony will be this year October. While my sister will be returning to aussie to register her marriage end of this month. Both weddings are totally opposite. Simply because my sister married an aussie, which meant it has to have some western elements in it. While my brother's is a traditional Chinese wedding.
This wedding however, was an emergence of an Chinese Asian with an Australian. To keep the tradition alive, this one wedding had to have traditions of both the cultures together, in one wedding. It was a good thing that my sister is a freethinker, and also with a family who does not have a strong touch with the traditional Chinese tradition of marriage. Thus a little bit of this and that, just to keep the tradition alive was enough. It was also a good exposure to both cultures. Both cultures learning a little bit of what the other culture is like. It was just perfect.
Brides would normally seem really nervous for their wedding. This one, was however extremely calm. Nope. I take that back. Laid back was more appropriate. =P for this bride had all her bridezilla moments while planning her big day. Knowing that everything is taken care of for her big day, even the bridezilla could just chill and follow what was planned because everything was already in place. Nothing to worry about. I, however as a bridesmaid. Had tons to worry about. It was her big day, and of course I can't let anything ruin it, yes?
Bridezilla was scolding me almost all the way until that very day. Cant blame her. So I just went with the flow. From being her chauffeur to helping her place her train properly. Honestly, I am pretty sure I did a bad job being her bridesmaid. No doubt I tried my best. But. Haha! I cant forget the part where I gave a bad impression on the other bridesmaids. My sister had always been capable of doing things on her own. She would only ask me for help when she really needs me. I knew that. So on her wedding day, dear bride mentioned that it is easier for her to hold her own train while walking. Since so, I figured I would just let her be. Oops. My brother's wife was there when I said, "aiya you kao time yourself la" (ah, you can handler this on your own) was misunderstood that I didnt want to help my dear bride. ='( emo.
There weren't much for me to do as a bridesmaid, really. I just needed to help keeptrack with the time, pass messages from the bride to the externals, get some food for the bride, fan the bride, get tissue for the bride, get tissue for the other bridesmaid, Steve tea, wash teacups, things I would normally do if needed. Yeah. =) there was on thing I did not do though. Helping at the reception table for dinner. I forgotten what I was doing. Probably resting in the room for abit. By the time I reached back out to help, it was already done. =/ oops.
Best part of the day? My proudest moment! Wearing a pair of 2.5inches of heels for the whole event. Was running around in those, up and down getting things done. Thank goodness they didnt bite my feet, only caused some soreness which lasted up til today, 2 days after the event. Was my first time wearing heels for such a long time. Owh. And it made me really tall. Haha! I have gotten used to being a tallie. And I like it. Heels make my legs look longer... Lol. I shall stop here. This post is about the wedding. Omg.
...
A wedding, the unison of two individuals who made a vow to live their lives together. Sounds really romantic. This wedding itself was a romantic one. Walking down the aisle before the bride makes her appearance, I could feel that heavy emotion quite strongly, the one that could make me cry eventhough I wasnt the bride. It was extremely touching. Looking at faces of family and friends, smiling, being happy for the couple to be united. It was beautiful. Bride walking out behind me, with her father in hand. Am pretty sure her husband was having a difficult time breathing, looking at his beautiful bride walking towards him. Then the 'promises' made, saying I do, exchanging of rings, and their first husband and wife kiss.
The epic photographer asked them to kiss again cause he couldnt capture the moment. Stirred up some laughters on everyone's hearts, while some went, 'awww'. =)
Then it was time for a short photo session. The sunset provided spectacular hues of colours throughout the sky, providing a romantic scene for a picture perfect moment. The light exposure was just right for the moment. Orangey backdrop, with three bridesmaids in hot red, three white donned groomsmen, flanking the happily married couple. Doubt nothing could come close to this exquisite moment captured.
...
I was running up and down, handing tissues to wipe away sweat that was caking the bride's makeup. That and also fanning to keep her slightly cooled. Haha! The bouquet of flower I was holding was somewhat a handful. =P
...
Tea serving ceremony. The Chinese part of the wedding.
Wedded couple serve teas to their elders and receive gifts. While the younger ones were given ang paus. Typical Chinese tradition. Definitely something for those who did not know of the Chinese culture, to know of. I could hear my uncle explaining to the groom's family on what it actually was. I was busy keeping track of the tea servings.
Dinner time! Awwh worthy! We have the groomsmen speaking about the groom and the bridesmaid talking about the bride. My sister was wearing a custom made cheongsam. It wasnt to say that we get to wear cheongsam as often in these recent days, I took the opportunity to wear mine too. =P and of course there were a lot of drinking. My sister shocked me. And probably everyone else too. The couple were given a cupful of a mixture of every alcohol available that night. My sister downed it in one go. In. One. Go. Could see that the groom was struggling a little though. Haha! But my sis was still standing. Learned from her, that drinking water after alcohol would somehow dilute the tipsy effect. =D
The boys got all drunk. My brother was the joker of the night. He was even happier than the groom. Hahaha! Which was quite cool. I never really thought of how drunkards would really behave up til that night. They were all happy! Which brought us much laughter. They were so happily drunk that they went and jump into the pool. It was only an initial plan of dunking the groom. But boy they were happy men, everyone went in except two of them. But the funniest would have to be my brother. Havent seen him in such state ever in my life! =P I'm still laughing at it today. =)
Wedding is over, and now my sister is Mrs. Hunter.
Thank you for trusting me into being your maid of honour. Maid of honour. Sounds like a slave job suddenly. But it was still an honour. =') thank you!
And I had fun, being dolled up and being pretty for that day. Being a part of such a meaningful event. Wah! Touching! =D
Gotta come home for my brother's wedding! Woots!
Ps. My brother and my sister are actually my cousins, been living with them since forever, it felt easier for me to just call them sister and brother without the extra cousin in front. =)
11.45pm, 10th Jan 2012.
Three song titles placed alongside each other in that manner, sounds really sweet somehow. =')
My sister's wedding. Fell on the very spectacular date of 8th January 2012. The skies threatened to dampen our moods and all those planning my dear sister did. Thank goodness the Sun shone over and won the battle against the rain. The garden wedding went on smoothly with the skies that had lost the battle, providing all if the guest with a cloudy carpet of shade. Not too hot, no rain, just splendid. It was a picture perfect sky. Picture perfect bride, picture perfect marriage.
She, is finally wedded. It was only last year, September that, my brother signed his marriage cert with his wife. And now, a wedding for my sister. Nope. It was meant to be. Somehow. Brother's ceremony will be this year October. While my sister will be returning to aussie to register her marriage end of this month. Both weddings are totally opposite. Simply because my sister married an aussie, which meant it has to have some western elements in it. While my brother's is a traditional Chinese wedding.
This wedding however, was an emergence of an Chinese Asian with an Australian. To keep the tradition alive, this one wedding had to have traditions of both the cultures together, in one wedding. It was a good thing that my sister is a freethinker, and also with a family who does not have a strong touch with the traditional Chinese tradition of marriage. Thus a little bit of this and that, just to keep the tradition alive was enough. It was also a good exposure to both cultures. Both cultures learning a little bit of what the other culture is like. It was just perfect.
Brides would normally seem really nervous for their wedding. This one, was however extremely calm. Nope. I take that back. Laid back was more appropriate. =P for this bride had all her bridezilla moments while planning her big day. Knowing that everything is taken care of for her big day, even the bridezilla could just chill and follow what was planned because everything was already in place. Nothing to worry about. I, however as a bridesmaid. Had tons to worry about. It was her big day, and of course I can't let anything ruin it, yes?
Bridezilla was scolding me almost all the way until that very day. Cant blame her. So I just went with the flow. From being her chauffeur to helping her place her train properly. Honestly, I am pretty sure I did a bad job being her bridesmaid. No doubt I tried my best. But. Haha! I cant forget the part where I gave a bad impression on the other bridesmaids. My sister had always been capable of doing things on her own. She would only ask me for help when she really needs me. I knew that. So on her wedding day, dear bride mentioned that it is easier for her to hold her own train while walking. Since so, I figured I would just let her be. Oops. My brother's wife was there when I said, "aiya you kao time yourself la" (ah, you can handler this on your own) was misunderstood that I didnt want to help my dear bride. ='( emo.
There weren't much for me to do as a bridesmaid, really. I just needed to help keeptrack with the time, pass messages from the bride to the externals, get some food for the bride, fan the bride, get tissue for the bride, get tissue for the other bridesmaid, Steve tea, wash teacups, things I would normally do if needed. Yeah. =) there was on thing I did not do though. Helping at the reception table for dinner. I forgotten what I was doing. Probably resting in the room for abit. By the time I reached back out to help, it was already done. =/ oops.
Best part of the day? My proudest moment! Wearing a pair of 2.5inches of heels for the whole event. Was running around in those, up and down getting things done. Thank goodness they didnt bite my feet, only caused some soreness which lasted up til today, 2 days after the event. Was my first time wearing heels for such a long time. Owh. And it made me really tall. Haha! I have gotten used to being a tallie. And I like it. Heels make my legs look longer... Lol. I shall stop here. This post is about the wedding. Omg.
...
A wedding, the unison of two individuals who made a vow to live their lives together. Sounds really romantic. This wedding itself was a romantic one. Walking down the aisle before the bride makes her appearance, I could feel that heavy emotion quite strongly, the one that could make me cry eventhough I wasnt the bride. It was extremely touching. Looking at faces of family and friends, smiling, being happy for the couple to be united. It was beautiful. Bride walking out behind me, with her father in hand. Am pretty sure her husband was having a difficult time breathing, looking at his beautiful bride walking towards him. Then the 'promises' made, saying I do, exchanging of rings, and their first husband and wife kiss.
The epic photographer asked them to kiss again cause he couldnt capture the moment. Stirred up some laughters on everyone's hearts, while some went, 'awww'. =)
Then it was time for a short photo session. The sunset provided spectacular hues of colours throughout the sky, providing a romantic scene for a picture perfect moment. The light exposure was just right for the moment. Orangey backdrop, with three bridesmaids in hot red, three white donned groomsmen, flanking the happily married couple. Doubt nothing could come close to this exquisite moment captured.
...
I was running up and down, handing tissues to wipe away sweat that was caking the bride's makeup. That and also fanning to keep her slightly cooled. Haha! The bouquet of flower I was holding was somewhat a handful. =P
...
Tea serving ceremony. The Chinese part of the wedding.
Wedded couple serve teas to their elders and receive gifts. While the younger ones were given ang paus. Typical Chinese tradition. Definitely something for those who did not know of the Chinese culture, to know of. I could hear my uncle explaining to the groom's family on what it actually was. I was busy keeping track of the tea servings.
Dinner time! Awwh worthy! We have the groomsmen speaking about the groom and the bridesmaid talking about the bride. My sister was wearing a custom made cheongsam. It wasnt to say that we get to wear cheongsam as often in these recent days, I took the opportunity to wear mine too. =P and of course there were a lot of drinking. My sister shocked me. And probably everyone else too. The couple were given a cupful of a mixture of every alcohol available that night. My sister downed it in one go. In. One. Go. Could see that the groom was struggling a little though. Haha! But my sis was still standing. Learned from her, that drinking water after alcohol would somehow dilute the tipsy effect. =D
The boys got all drunk. My brother was the joker of the night. He was even happier than the groom. Hahaha! Which was quite cool. I never really thought of how drunkards would really behave up til that night. They were all happy! Which brought us much laughter. They were so happily drunk that they went and jump into the pool. It was only an initial plan of dunking the groom. But boy they were happy men, everyone went in except two of them. But the funniest would have to be my brother. Havent seen him in such state ever in my life! =P I'm still laughing at it today. =)
Wedding is over, and now my sister is Mrs. Hunter.
Thank you for trusting me into being your maid of honour. Maid of honour. Sounds like a slave job suddenly. But it was still an honour. =') thank you!
And I had fun, being dolled up and being pretty for that day. Being a part of such a meaningful event. Wah! Touching! =D
Gotta come home for my brother's wedding! Woots!
Ps. My brother and my sister are actually my cousins, been living with them since forever, it felt easier for me to just call them sister and brother without the extra cousin in front. =)
11.45pm, 10th Jan 2012.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
melbourne, monash it is.
not much i would have to say about it. i had probably nagged on an on about this matter that it gets tiring to even repeat. no doubt i still question if it's the right decision made, but i would just go ahead with my decision. for time is running out. i have only a month left to settle the rest. fingers crossed my visa would be settled by then. and the flight itself is raising by the day. it was only last week that i checked, and it has already increased to about rm500. heh. more delayings and i would probably have to pay more than i should in the first place.
my mom came home and i did more discussions with her, mostly it was regarding the money problem. like i have mentioned before, she said the exact same thing, 'your expenses, you would have to earn on your own already'. no arguements that, it was alraedy expected. but it worries me on how much i can actually earn and save and also spend whilst i am there. things that i have never done before, it would probably be hard for me to predict how much am i supposed to spend in a month. college had thought me to spend considerably though, and i am hoping it would help when i'm there in aussie. difference would be that i would not have to pay for the car petrol and the tolls anymore, as driving around there would be impossible. but this would be replaced with me paying for my accomodation. i have heard of friends mentioning about staying in hostels and all, i myself have yet to experience, and this would definitely be my first time. hrmm. definitely something to look out for.
as the agent has said, that opting for on-campus accomodation would be unlikely now as there are many others who chose the same option. but i will still try to get one. and if it fails, at least i still have my sister for this one. just this one i hope. i would probably hop into her place for a week or two until i get a proper place to stay on my own. still preferably on-campus accomodation would be better. then i need not depend on my sister. staying in aussie can be quite pricey. but i guess i have no choice. and this all comes back to the money issue, which then brings me to...
another back up plan of mine.
i would still be studying in monash for the whole year. maybe as a try out year, except that i have to do my best. for if my mom really could not afford to support me for my two remaining years, i still have the chance to transfer my credits over to tasmanian university. cost there is almost HALF of monash. provided i have to do well, that my credits would be sufficient enough to be transferred over. this, would be a back up plan, if i really can't find a way to stay the the whole 3 years there in melbourne. though there could be an issue that monash might not allow me to transfer my credits over. as for this, i guess i would have to push myself to work and get a better pay and save even more to push through the remaining two years. mmhmm. it is set.
i may sound like i have no clue what i am headed for. maybe to you, the part where i said i would push myself might give you some doubts, don't worry, cause i am in doubt as well. honestly, this is all i have to cling onto to push myself to face whatever brings. yeap. besides, when there is a will, there will be a way. especially when i'm alone, i'm pretty sure i would do whatever it takes to keep myself steady.
as of now, i am mentally prepared to be there on my own.
it is about time that i learn something. =)
been pulled back for the past few days. i could've settled everything before my sister's wedding, but i needed to be sure i got my mom into the same page as i did before confirming. thus the time now is probably... too short for comfort. i still have yet to hand in my visa application and my offer letter. this, i will get it done by tomorrow, if not by friday. all i need is the money. lol. yeah. money.
what's left after that is just my health check and my flight to aussie.
mmhmm. i'm on the right track.
i believe i am.
*fingers crossed*
not much i would have to say about it. i had probably nagged on an on about this matter that it gets tiring to even repeat. no doubt i still question if it's the right decision made, but i would just go ahead with my decision. for time is running out. i have only a month left to settle the rest. fingers crossed my visa would be settled by then. and the flight itself is raising by the day. it was only last week that i checked, and it has already increased to about rm500. heh. more delayings and i would probably have to pay more than i should in the first place.
my mom came home and i did more discussions with her, mostly it was regarding the money problem. like i have mentioned before, she said the exact same thing, 'your expenses, you would have to earn on your own already'. no arguements that, it was alraedy expected. but it worries me on how much i can actually earn and save and also spend whilst i am there. things that i have never done before, it would probably be hard for me to predict how much am i supposed to spend in a month. college had thought me to spend considerably though, and i am hoping it would help when i'm there in aussie. difference would be that i would not have to pay for the car petrol and the tolls anymore, as driving around there would be impossible. but this would be replaced with me paying for my accomodation. i have heard of friends mentioning about staying in hostels and all, i myself have yet to experience, and this would definitely be my first time. hrmm. definitely something to look out for.
as the agent has said, that opting for on-campus accomodation would be unlikely now as there are many others who chose the same option. but i will still try to get one. and if it fails, at least i still have my sister for this one. just this one i hope. i would probably hop into her place for a week or two until i get a proper place to stay on my own. still preferably on-campus accomodation would be better. then i need not depend on my sister. staying in aussie can be quite pricey. but i guess i have no choice. and this all comes back to the money issue, which then brings me to...
another back up plan of mine.
i would still be studying in monash for the whole year. maybe as a try out year, except that i have to do my best. for if my mom really could not afford to support me for my two remaining years, i still have the chance to transfer my credits over to tasmanian university. cost there is almost HALF of monash. provided i have to do well, that my credits would be sufficient enough to be transferred over. this, would be a back up plan, if i really can't find a way to stay the the whole 3 years there in melbourne. though there could be an issue that monash might not allow me to transfer my credits over. as for this, i guess i would have to push myself to work and get a better pay and save even more to push through the remaining two years. mmhmm. it is set.
i may sound like i have no clue what i am headed for. maybe to you, the part where i said i would push myself might give you some doubts, don't worry, cause i am in doubt as well. honestly, this is all i have to cling onto to push myself to face whatever brings. yeap. besides, when there is a will, there will be a way. especially when i'm alone, i'm pretty sure i would do whatever it takes to keep myself steady.
as of now, i am mentally prepared to be there on my own.
it is about time that i learn something. =)
been pulled back for the past few days. i could've settled everything before my sister's wedding, but i needed to be sure i got my mom into the same page as i did before confirming. thus the time now is probably... too short for comfort. i still have yet to hand in my visa application and my offer letter. this, i will get it done by tomorrow, if not by friday. all i need is the money. lol. yeah. money.
what's left after that is just my health check and my flight to aussie.
mmhmm. i'm on the right track.
i believe i am.
*fingers crossed*
It is like an anchor. You still have the freedom to move, but it is only limited. That restricted feeling is still there. We try to break free from it, but as much effort as we try to break free, the effort would seem worthless. Anchors are built in a way to resist external forces from cranking it away from what it was supposed to hold. So if minimal strength is used, it would definitely be useless, yes? But there is one faulty point. Anchors will rust. For in general, we know anchors are made of pure metal, in order for it to be really heavy to hold that much of a resistance. And we all know metals will rust. When they do, the anchor will slowly decay and it would be really vulnerable. And if no reinforcement is to be done to the anchor, it will just lay there and be a part of the background.
I have no clue where am I headed here. LOL!
Lets just leave this as it is. =)
I have no clue where am I headed here. LOL!
Lets just leave this as it is. =)
Same but different.
There are times we would glace through our homepage, looking around, wasting our time, searching for something that would interest you. Then we would spot one status with several likes, it makes you stop, to look at what the status says. Soon after that, you would find yourself joining the rest and click the like button as well. That particular status, would probably be one super ridiculous event where someone had made a fool of themselves that triggered the amusement of fatizens. (lol. I decided to use fatizens cause facebook itself seemed like a community on its own already, thus facebook-citizens; fatizens) Either that, or it was something sentimental, something that would trigger fatizens to feel the same way the status was trying to imply, something that would make fatizens agree with what was mentioned.
That example above, tells us that, we tend to have similar if not same thoughts as everyone else, it makes us feel somewhat a part of the world where we live in, where we feel safe and secure, that we have people like us around. "we are not alone", if that was meant for the aliens whom we have never met, it would probably shock the whole nation, or even the world, for we do not know what 'they' are capable of. But if it is for what we understand as us humans, are not alone because we have other humans around us, people would automatically feel relieved. It is a proof that we want to be amongst the 'species' we know. Just like how certain animals live in packs of their own species, they would feel secure. If ever they do wander alone, away from the pack, bumping into all kinds of other species, they would probably freak out, or if unlucky, get eaten too. I guess that is the main reason that we humans learnt that we need each other, and having similar thoughts and characters would definitely strengthen that.
As much as we like to be similar, we still want to be different from everyone else. It is how we identify ourselves amongst the crowd. Somewhat like how animals are distinguished amongst themselves. Wonder how a zebra is recognised as an individual zebra eventhough it is within its herd of zebras? If one notes properly, they can be differentiated by their stripes on its back. In our case, yes, we are all different on the outside, but we would want to further develop the differences we have in ourselves. Little did we realise that we all have this two total opposite ideas that were contradicting each other at the same time.
By now, I realise by being the same like everyone else, was for our inner self, where we want to feel safe and to be different, we want to explore ourselves, personality wise, to find out what is there that we could do.
Personality is more on the adventurous side of us, the differences we have that we want to show to the world. The side of us that is triggered by curiosity. Of us wanting to learn more than what we already knew. To test our theories, whether they are right or otherwise. Of things that interests us, of things that interests others, of things that works best for us and how it would probably turn out.
Yeap. It turns out I have figured out that fine line between similarities and differences. By right, they are totally different. They still are different. But what holds this two together still has a main point, one that keeps us standing and being us, humans. Humans. Humans. Humans.
Now, I may have sound a slight bit frustrated at the human race. Truth is, I am. Because whenever I mingle with people, I never fail to question. And this same yet different question became and issue. And as honest as I am, sometimes, by writing it out, I actually make my mind as things are being sorted out. Least I know, if I start somewhere, maybe questions could indeed be answered. Just like how it happened on this occasion. =)
Here is one question sorted out, now, what's next? ;)
There are times we would glace through our homepage, looking around, wasting our time, searching for something that would interest you. Then we would spot one status with several likes, it makes you stop, to look at what the status says. Soon after that, you would find yourself joining the rest and click the like button as well. That particular status, would probably be one super ridiculous event where someone had made a fool of themselves that triggered the amusement of fatizens. (lol. I decided to use fatizens cause facebook itself seemed like a community on its own already, thus facebook-citizens; fatizens) Either that, or it was something sentimental, something that would trigger fatizens to feel the same way the status was trying to imply, something that would make fatizens agree with what was mentioned.
That example above, tells us that, we tend to have similar if not same thoughts as everyone else, it makes us feel somewhat a part of the world where we live in, where we feel safe and secure, that we have people like us around. "we are not alone", if that was meant for the aliens whom we have never met, it would probably shock the whole nation, or even the world, for we do not know what 'they' are capable of. But if it is for what we understand as us humans, are not alone because we have other humans around us, people would automatically feel relieved. It is a proof that we want to be amongst the 'species' we know. Just like how certain animals live in packs of their own species, they would feel secure. If ever they do wander alone, away from the pack, bumping into all kinds of other species, they would probably freak out, or if unlucky, get eaten too. I guess that is the main reason that we humans learnt that we need each other, and having similar thoughts and characters would definitely strengthen that.
As much as we like to be similar, we still want to be different from everyone else. It is how we identify ourselves amongst the crowd. Somewhat like how animals are distinguished amongst themselves. Wonder how a zebra is recognised as an individual zebra eventhough it is within its herd of zebras? If one notes properly, they can be differentiated by their stripes on its back. In our case, yes, we are all different on the outside, but we would want to further develop the differences we have in ourselves. Little did we realise that we all have this two total opposite ideas that were contradicting each other at the same time.
By now, I realise by being the same like everyone else, was for our inner self, where we want to feel safe and to be different, we want to explore ourselves, personality wise, to find out what is there that we could do.
Personality is more on the adventurous side of us, the differences we have that we want to show to the world. The side of us that is triggered by curiosity. Of us wanting to learn more than what we already knew. To test our theories, whether they are right or otherwise. Of things that interests us, of things that interests others, of things that works best for us and how it would probably turn out.
Yeap. It turns out I have figured out that fine line between similarities and differences. By right, they are totally different. They still are different. But what holds this two together still has a main point, one that keeps us standing and being us, humans. Humans. Humans. Humans.
Now, I may have sound a slight bit frustrated at the human race. Truth is, I am. Because whenever I mingle with people, I never fail to question. And this same yet different question became and issue. And as honest as I am, sometimes, by writing it out, I actually make my mind as things are being sorted out. Least I know, if I start somewhere, maybe questions could indeed be answered. Just like how it happened on this occasion. =)
Here is one question sorted out, now, what's next? ;)
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Mummy would tell me, 'your living expenses, you would have to earn on your own'.
So, how?
Mummy has no clue what I am about to do. =/
Initially it was about the place. And now, its about the money issue. Damn. What should I do now?
When I with the fact that everybody wants me to be in Melbourne, I told myself, if monash accepted me, I will have a reason to go Melbourne. And now that I have gotten my offer from monash, money has became the main problem. And when I told them about it, they were like, "you, so want to go tasmania, then go lo".
You have no clue how frustrated this has gotten me. After all those arguments and me accepting it, now they tell me tasmania would be better, simply because of the money issue. It was one of the reasons why I picked tasmania also, but I got brainwashed. All I knew then was to get to Melbourne, and study. Eases everybody's mind, and I'll be okay. Now to find out that they could easily change their mind just like that because of money, does get me furious.
From, 'your reasons are not acceptable', to, 'it's your decision'. At this crucial time, after all those worrying of not getting monash and settling in for la trobe, hearing that just throws me all over the place. If I tell anyone, and with the price in play, people would all tell me to go for the cheaper one. Which was actually my first choice to begin with.
Honestly, I'm supposed to be happy after hearing I finally get approval to go for my choice. But after so much of mind churning days, this is definitely not something to be joyful about. What more that my mom will be back and the money is stuck there at either macau or China, it still will be slightly troublesome to deal with.
I realise this was the reason why I could not even decide on which piece of dress to buy few days back. It was between one green dress and one skin colour dress, one was s, and the other was xs. It was a simple decision, but I couldnt decide. And ended up, I decided not to buy, cause somehow, it was too overwhelming, I felt like I was about to breakdown. It was only a dress that I am breaking, but if that makes me want to break down, it seriously is not a laughing matter, at. all.
I have never had to ability to make my own decision. I always settle in for what the others would deem as the better choice, for I believe, they knew better. I also believed that what happens after that decision is based on myself, whether it will be a good one or a had one, that would be up to me. Blaming was never the thing. But blaming others had always been easier than blaming oneself. I, am however forever blaming myself before hand.
In this matter, it would be me, unable to stand up for my own opinion in the first place, and let the world influence my decision.
I am only afraid that I will make the wrong decision. Why the hell would I ask and listen to others if I was that confident with my own decision to begin with?
11.06pm, 4th Dec 2011.
So, how?
Mummy has no clue what I am about to do. =/
Initially it was about the place. And now, its about the money issue. Damn. What should I do now?
When I with the fact that everybody wants me to be in Melbourne, I told myself, if monash accepted me, I will have a reason to go Melbourne. And now that I have gotten my offer from monash, money has became the main problem. And when I told them about it, they were like, "you, so want to go tasmania, then go lo".
You have no clue how frustrated this has gotten me. After all those arguments and me accepting it, now they tell me tasmania would be better, simply because of the money issue. It was one of the reasons why I picked tasmania also, but I got brainwashed. All I knew then was to get to Melbourne, and study. Eases everybody's mind, and I'll be okay. Now to find out that they could easily change their mind just like that because of money, does get me furious.
From, 'your reasons are not acceptable', to, 'it's your decision'. At this crucial time, after all those worrying of not getting monash and settling in for la trobe, hearing that just throws me all over the place. If I tell anyone, and with the price in play, people would all tell me to go for the cheaper one. Which was actually my first choice to begin with.
Honestly, I'm supposed to be happy after hearing I finally get approval to go for my choice. But after so much of mind churning days, this is definitely not something to be joyful about. What more that my mom will be back and the money is stuck there at either macau or China, it still will be slightly troublesome to deal with.
I realise this was the reason why I could not even decide on which piece of dress to buy few days back. It was between one green dress and one skin colour dress, one was s, and the other was xs. It was a simple decision, but I couldnt decide. And ended up, I decided not to buy, cause somehow, it was too overwhelming, I felt like I was about to breakdown. It was only a dress that I am breaking, but if that makes me want to break down, it seriously is not a laughing matter, at. all.
I have never had to ability to make my own decision. I always settle in for what the others would deem as the better choice, for I believe, they knew better. I also believed that what happens after that decision is based on myself, whether it will be a good one or a had one, that would be up to me. Blaming was never the thing. But blaming others had always been easier than blaming oneself. I, am however forever blaming myself before hand.
In this matter, it would be me, unable to stand up for my own opinion in the first place, and let the world influence my decision.
I am only afraid that I will make the wrong decision. Why the hell would I ask and listen to others if I was that confident with my own decision to begin with?
11.06pm, 4th Dec 2011.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
just as i was posting about my uni blues.
i got a call saying i got accepted for monash.
and all of a sudden i feel much better.
HAHAHA! okay. i'm keeping up with my sister's idea.
monash as of now, if i still have that thought of goitn tasmania, then i'll go tasmania. =)
and my blog has indeed help me again, somehow.
=')
i got a call saying i got accepted for monash.
and all of a sudden i feel much better.
HAHAHA! okay. i'm keeping up with my sister's idea.
monash as of now, if i still have that thought of goitn tasmania, then i'll go tasmania. =)
and my blog has indeed help me again, somehow.
=')
i am still being held back by 2011. something is stopping me from moving forward. yes, it is the new year, it is a whole lot of new experiences. but a part of me feels that a small part of last year has yet to be resolved. it literally is killing me, but i am hoping by posting something here, would help me, at least a little, to pull me through. probably i am only as far of waiting to hear something i would want to hear and i will be in peace. but as of now, i am far from feeling blissful. not even to enjoy the perks of being my sister's main bridesmaid this coming sunday.
as a matter of fact, i'm feeling rather anxious and a little upset that i would be the one doing a considerably large amount of things. on normal days, i would be extremely happy to have a list of things to do. but not now, and i feel even worse about it. i told myself i would be really honest with whatever i want to post in the newest blog of mine, and i sincerely would want to keep this as a memory, one where i could look back at laugh at.
i realised blogging had helped me alot. it is not a matter whether i have readers or not, but i feel superbly blessed when i have readers; people are actually reading what i have to say. first of all, blogging had helped me clear several questions i had been questioning myself for a quite some time, some questions were never answered, but as i post about it, i soon realise i actually have the answers to those questions, and then i would lay that question to rest, feeling much more better than when i first started scribbling about the matter in my blog.
my blog is very dear to me, some posts have gotten to personal that i could not even post them online, it did help me a little with the relieves, but it was only a partial one, surprisingly, it isnt as effectiv as publishing it only, with a glimmer of hope that i am being heard. i had way too many drafts in my previous blog. deeming it as unworthy for the public views. i guess then, i was trying to get attention of at least a few loyal readers before getting all loose, and expressing everything. it is rather complicating, the way i think. it doesnt make sense most of the time, even i don't understand what i want. leaving it simple, posting and not posting, whether people are reading or not, the hope still is there. only my actions differ according to my emotions then.
which leads me to my decision to choosing the university to study in. no question asks, i already had my aim in wanting to study in australia when i was 16. it seemed impossible then, but i kept my hopes and dreams up. a little something where i have that tiny pinch of hope to keep me going on to the next day. aimed for an australian matriculation right after i was done with high school. a question came up, a decision between SAM which is in Taylors and AUSMAT which is in Sunway. It took me sometime to make my final decision. for one, i was going to Sunway alone. wasn't expecting anyone from highschool to be taking the same course with me, or even coming to Sunway to study when on the other hand, i was confirmed with buddies there in Taylors. Sunway offered the course to be much cheaper compared to Taylors. that itself was a factor to why i chose AusMat. apart from a whole check list i have made for my own reference, to convince myself that i had made the right decision. then came January, Natasha and Rachel came along. March came with a few other high school friends. but by then, i was already psyched up that i will be on my own.
AusMat was the right decision that was made. thank goodness for that. and now, i have uni to decide. i made myself a open decision, applying for 4 universities, with a wide range of atar requirement. a safe decision to do so. just in case i had a low atar, at least i was still accepted somewhere, my dreams of studying in australia would be fulfilled still. and now after attaining my atar, i was short or a .5 from being accepted to the best uni out of the 4 i had applied for. the other three had already responded, it was only MONASH that i was short of. this was the one matter that was to push me to either Melbourne or Tasmania. initially i was drawn by the fact that Tasmania was more of an isolated area, which leaves me with little entertainment and enjoyment. good thing for a person like me who is constantly distracted easily. and i was convinced that i would be alright there. the factor that it is further away, assures me that friends would only think twice before coming over to pay me a visit, another additional point to the distraction factor.
it requires some mental preparation to be going abroad alone. with no one to depend on, the preparation was indeed necessary. thus raises the concerns of those who cared for me. if i had the option to choose between melbourne and tasmania, they would prefer me to go study in melbourne. a simple reason is that my sister is there based in Melbourne. which would ease everything else for me. when in need, as in when in serious need, at least i have my sister to depend on. and i already have a friend who will be studying in there in melbourne. it leaves the loved ones of mine, a sense of a slight relieved that i will be taken care of. and that means alot to me. why would i want to make these people worry for me when i could prevent that altogether?
studying in Tasmania would be cheaper too. and UTAS is more known for it's environmental . it's an isolated island similar courses and, which provides better chances for us to do more research, no? well, i can only guess for now, not much of the information given would compare to our own experience in that particular course in that particular institute. this, i have learned from ausmat.
all in all, i still can't decide.
my sister came up with this idea, where i could study for my first year in Melbourne and move to Tasmania if i really want to when the first sem ends. provided that i have to do very well for my first year in order to transfer my credits over. otherwise i have to stay put wherever i am until i'm done for the three years.
what i fear is the fact that i may not be able to cope well with my studies. then all those money spent would be wasted. =/
ask the majority, people would say Melbourne over Tasmania.
if only i could push this matter aside for awhile, where i can be fully focused on my sister's wedding and help her make her best day ever, a memorable one. i wish i could. but the sem begins on the end of february, and i have to be in australia by mid february. my visa and everything has yet to be done yet. not even started. which is a worry issue for me. everything is going haywire. i can't keep my head straight on what i am supposed to do. well. this really does suck.
definitely something i would laugh about in a few months time. =)
as a matter of fact, i'm feeling rather anxious and a little upset that i would be the one doing a considerably large amount of things. on normal days, i would be extremely happy to have a list of things to do. but not now, and i feel even worse about it. i told myself i would be really honest with whatever i want to post in the newest blog of mine, and i sincerely would want to keep this as a memory, one where i could look back at laugh at.
i realised blogging had helped me alot. it is not a matter whether i have readers or not, but i feel superbly blessed when i have readers; people are actually reading what i have to say. first of all, blogging had helped me clear several questions i had been questioning myself for a quite some time, some questions were never answered, but as i post about it, i soon realise i actually have the answers to those questions, and then i would lay that question to rest, feeling much more better than when i first started scribbling about the matter in my blog.
my blog is very dear to me, some posts have gotten to personal that i could not even post them online, it did help me a little with the relieves, but it was only a partial one, surprisingly, it isnt as effectiv as publishing it only, with a glimmer of hope that i am being heard. i had way too many drafts in my previous blog. deeming it as unworthy for the public views. i guess then, i was trying to get attention of at least a few loyal readers before getting all loose, and expressing everything. it is rather complicating, the way i think. it doesnt make sense most of the time, even i don't understand what i want. leaving it simple, posting and not posting, whether people are reading or not, the hope still is there. only my actions differ according to my emotions then.
which leads me to my decision to choosing the university to study in. no question asks, i already had my aim in wanting to study in australia when i was 16. it seemed impossible then, but i kept my hopes and dreams up. a little something where i have that tiny pinch of hope to keep me going on to the next day. aimed for an australian matriculation right after i was done with high school. a question came up, a decision between SAM which is in Taylors and AUSMAT which is in Sunway. It took me sometime to make my final decision. for one, i was going to Sunway alone. wasn't expecting anyone from highschool to be taking the same course with me, or even coming to Sunway to study when on the other hand, i was confirmed with buddies there in Taylors. Sunway offered the course to be much cheaper compared to Taylors. that itself was a factor to why i chose AusMat. apart from a whole check list i have made for my own reference, to convince myself that i had made the right decision. then came January, Natasha and Rachel came along. March came with a few other high school friends. but by then, i was already psyched up that i will be on my own.
AusMat was the right decision that was made. thank goodness for that. and now, i have uni to decide. i made myself a open decision, applying for 4 universities, with a wide range of atar requirement. a safe decision to do so. just in case i had a low atar, at least i was still accepted somewhere, my dreams of studying in australia would be fulfilled still. and now after attaining my atar, i was short or a .5 from being accepted to the best uni out of the 4 i had applied for. the other three had already responded, it was only MONASH that i was short of. this was the one matter that was to push me to either Melbourne or Tasmania. initially i was drawn by the fact that Tasmania was more of an isolated area, which leaves me with little entertainment and enjoyment. good thing for a person like me who is constantly distracted easily. and i was convinced that i would be alright there. the factor that it is further away, assures me that friends would only think twice before coming over to pay me a visit, another additional point to the distraction factor.
it requires some mental preparation to be going abroad alone. with no one to depend on, the preparation was indeed necessary. thus raises the concerns of those who cared for me. if i had the option to choose between melbourne and tasmania, they would prefer me to go study in melbourne. a simple reason is that my sister is there based in Melbourne. which would ease everything else for me. when in need, as in when in serious need, at least i have my sister to depend on. and i already have a friend who will be studying in there in melbourne. it leaves the loved ones of mine, a sense of a slight relieved that i will be taken care of. and that means alot to me. why would i want to make these people worry for me when i could prevent that altogether?
studying in Tasmania would be cheaper too. and UTAS is more known for it's environmental . it's an isolated island similar courses and, which provides better chances for us to do more research, no? well, i can only guess for now, not much of the information given would compare to our own experience in that particular course in that particular institute. this, i have learned from ausmat.
all in all, i still can't decide.
my sister came up with this idea, where i could study for my first year in Melbourne and move to Tasmania if i really want to when the first sem ends. provided that i have to do very well for my first year in order to transfer my credits over. otherwise i have to stay put wherever i am until i'm done for the three years.
what i fear is the fact that i may not be able to cope well with my studies. then all those money spent would be wasted. =/
ask the majority, people would say Melbourne over Tasmania.
if only i could push this matter aside for awhile, where i can be fully focused on my sister's wedding and help her make her best day ever, a memorable one. i wish i could. but the sem begins on the end of february, and i have to be in australia by mid february. my visa and everything has yet to be done yet. not even started. which is a worry issue for me. everything is going haywire. i can't keep my head straight on what i am supposed to do. well. this really does suck.
definitely something i would laugh about in a few months time. =)
Monday, January 2, 2012
ha! lookie! i changed it into something more colourful, yet still with a slight touch of sophistication! well. maybe sophistication isn't the exact word, but what i meant to say is that there is some sense of mystery within this blog. yeah. i like to make things even more complicated when things arent complicated at all. i find it much more interesting when you put a extra effort into normal things and voila! something abnormal. heh.
this is so random!
but i guess this would have to do as my opening post for my brand new blog, with colours.
let's begin with a few whys to the whats on this new blog of mine. first up! the blog theme. well, looking at how people would get millions of hits just by posting up random posts, with some substance, i decided i too want some attention on my blog. not because i am being vain, but i would really like it when people do read my blog and give some feedbacks on how to improve myself. and i figured i find it difficult to change my writing style as for all this while, i've been writing based on my feelings. whatever i feel like writing, they would be poured out here, just like that, with ease, no pressure at all. this type of writing does make me get this weird relieved feeling. it does make me feel much better. and i realise at some point, whether i have readers or not, it is still about the feeling that matters most. writing is one way i express myself.
i am still selfish. and i am starving of feedbacks! =O yeah. i would really like to improve my writing styles. =) and so, the first step, would be the colour. i'd chose blue as the main theme as it is said to be calming. unlike my previous blog, it was entirely black. it was on purpose, for i was in the state where, "if you want to read, you read, i'm making it hard for you to read, hoping i will only get loyal readers who would genuinely read because they want to read". that sentence does not make sense at all. hehe. i do apologise. been stoning on bed for the whole day today. such a good way to start of the new year; with a meaningless blogpost.
a new start, a new journey.
question?
i have a silly habit where i would like to separate each year with a different blog, as i believe it would be much better for me to backtrack on how much i have changed or developed. trust me, between two blogs(one year difference), there can be some very drastic changes, and i never fail to stop to ponder upon those moments i used to have. just like my previous blogs, i will continue with my essence of backtracking memories, because this is one reason for me to be where i am today. the past had taught me alot, and i believe it would be an aid for me to learn more in the future. =) crazy as i may be, i decided that i would just have my very own phrase;' if i'm not crazy, i am just not normal'. and my friends would all agree with that phrase. heh! #win
and because i have such a spectacular year last year, i had realise life after high school is somewhat unpredictable. it took me about 6 months to calm myself down to continue blogging. and even that was due to my friends who inspired my start writing again. they were talking about how they like writing, how others would write and what their opinions on people's writing was. i used to have thoughts of writing a book on my own, little had i known, there were people who have that thought of mine as their dreams. and no, they were not joking when they were mentioning how they will publish a book someday in the future where i could have a chance to have a copy of their work too. such inspiring people. what not? i went and started writing to see how far i could go. besides, my english was having some difficulties as my writing has somewhat rusted. and blogging has gotten by brains to function much more smoothly when there came time where i need to write.
and now, i am one month and two weeks away from realising my hopes of studying in australia. and one way that i would be able to keep track of every memory of this memorable ride, is by blogging. honestly saying, for the first six months of last year, it felt like a black hole. and i do not wish for the same thing to happen, especially this time around, when i will be moving over to a whole new different environment, all on my own. and my dear blog will be my one friend who will accompany me through the rides of my life from now on. alongside that, i get to post my journey here and share with everyone back home who feels like knowing what i am up to. it would be as honest as possible, for i believe it would be the closest,coming in second behind facetime communication. =/
personally, i would like to preserve the blog before this as the 'college memories'. yes, i may not have NAMES in that blog of mine, those words would be enough to trigger certain memories, for sure. along with that, a whole lot of other random posts when i just felt like posting something. who knows i would have a whole different opinion from what i had posted before this. haha!
as of now, it's the new year, goodness knows what will be ahead of me, but i'll keep my head up, going through everything with a brave heart and spirit, smiling through everything that is thrown at me. while the countdown continues, i have a series of tasks to do until then.
-sister's wedding
-visa application etc
-last meetups with friends
fingers crossed things will be alright.
=)
happy new year!
this is so random!
but i guess this would have to do as my opening post for my brand new blog, with colours.
let's begin with a few whys to the whats on this new blog of mine. first up! the blog theme. well, looking at how people would get millions of hits just by posting up random posts, with some substance, i decided i too want some attention on my blog. not because i am being vain, but i would really like it when people do read my blog and give some feedbacks on how to improve myself. and i figured i find it difficult to change my writing style as for all this while, i've been writing based on my feelings. whatever i feel like writing, they would be poured out here, just like that, with ease, no pressure at all. this type of writing does make me get this weird relieved feeling. it does make me feel much better. and i realise at some point, whether i have readers or not, it is still about the feeling that matters most. writing is one way i express myself.
i am still selfish. and i am starving of feedbacks! =O yeah. i would really like to improve my writing styles. =) and so, the first step, would be the colour. i'd chose blue as the main theme as it is said to be calming. unlike my previous blog, it was entirely black. it was on purpose, for i was in the state where, "if you want to read, you read, i'm making it hard for you to read, hoping i will only get loyal readers who would genuinely read because they want to read". that sentence does not make sense at all. hehe. i do apologise. been stoning on bed for the whole day today. such a good way to start of the new year; with a meaningless blogpost.
a new start, a new journey.
question?
i have a silly habit where i would like to separate each year with a different blog, as i believe it would be much better for me to backtrack on how much i have changed or developed. trust me, between two blogs(one year difference), there can be some very drastic changes, and i never fail to stop to ponder upon those moments i used to have. just like my previous blogs, i will continue with my essence of backtracking memories, because this is one reason for me to be where i am today. the past had taught me alot, and i believe it would be an aid for me to learn more in the future. =) crazy as i may be, i decided that i would just have my very own phrase;' if i'm not crazy, i am just not normal'. and my friends would all agree with that phrase. heh! #win
and because i have such a spectacular year last year, i had realise life after high school is somewhat unpredictable. it took me about 6 months to calm myself down to continue blogging. and even that was due to my friends who inspired my start writing again. they were talking about how they like writing, how others would write and what their opinions on people's writing was. i used to have thoughts of writing a book on my own, little had i known, there were people who have that thought of mine as their dreams. and no, they were not joking when they were mentioning how they will publish a book someday in the future where i could have a chance to have a copy of their work too. such inspiring people. what not? i went and started writing to see how far i could go. besides, my english was having some difficulties as my writing has somewhat rusted. and blogging has gotten by brains to function much more smoothly when there came time where i need to write.
and now, i am one month and two weeks away from realising my hopes of studying in australia. and one way that i would be able to keep track of every memory of this memorable ride, is by blogging. honestly saying, for the first six months of last year, it felt like a black hole. and i do not wish for the same thing to happen, especially this time around, when i will be moving over to a whole new different environment, all on my own. and my dear blog will be my one friend who will accompany me through the rides of my life from now on. alongside that, i get to post my journey here and share with everyone back home who feels like knowing what i am up to. it would be as honest as possible, for i believe it would be the closest,coming in second behind facetime communication. =/
personally, i would like to preserve the blog before this as the 'college memories'. yes, i may not have NAMES in that blog of mine, those words would be enough to trigger certain memories, for sure. along with that, a whole lot of other random posts when i just felt like posting something. who knows i would have a whole different opinion from what i had posted before this. haha!
as of now, it's the new year, goodness knows what will be ahead of me, but i'll keep my head up, going through everything with a brave heart and spirit, smiling through everything that is thrown at me. while the countdown continues, i have a series of tasks to do until then.
-sister's wedding
-visa application etc
-last meetups with friends
fingers crossed things will be alright.
=)
happy new year!
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