I am stubborn as hell.

Strong first sentence there, eyh? At least I am admitting something that I have been denying all my life. Yeah, I am still young, but this is as far as I can get. And the only way to continue on with my life, is to be completely honest with myself. Being stubborn had probably been the reason why guys only see me as a sister sort of person but never a girlfriend kinda person. I get to hardheaded that I just simply does not allow the person into my life however it is. Stubborn to a point where it worries both my mom and aunt. Stubborn enough to think that I am a boss of my own life once I step over into another country all by myself.

I soon realised the consequence I had been facing with my stubbornness. And I would have to say, I did try to be less stubborn, and be more of a listener. Little did I know, I have indeed opened myself up to different things as compared than those days where I kept myself restricted. Listening to what matters most, what they have to say, probably having it the way they were trying to tell me. Well honestly, it provided me with a much safer path, with knowing what I was about to face, things became easier to accept.

Being stubborn, is something I grew up with. If one asks me to change immediately, that is bullshit. It takes time, but the decision had been made. I didnt want to worry my mom and my aunt, and be some dumbtard over there in Australia all alone, for not wanting to listen to advices.

Cause honestly, I thought I would be prepared for anything. Thought stand corrected. For I recently went Singapore with a friend of mine. It was just the two of us, barely even reaching our mental adult ages, all alone in Singapore. I honestly felt like a kid when I was there, waiting for a cab to the hotel. It was then that I realised how stubborn I had been all this while. Yes, I may have let my hair down during my college year, but I was still stubborn regardless. The fact that I was being a hardheaded atheist sometime last year, proved so. Because by the end of the year, I found myself believing in god. Though I have no clue who I was praying to, or what religion I was praying with, I just felt stupid for resisting the presence of god.

Did that not prove how stubborn I had been? I should very well be an agnostic. Some wicked story behind that believe, religion just seemed like some crap all over again. I dont think I would have enough days in my lifetime to learn about all kinds of religions before I die, if I were to be a freethinker, trying to accept every religion there is out there, I'll probably end up crazy, trying to link one to the other and why it was different to begin with, eventhough there are evidence of the same story somewhere within those teachings. A stubborn person like me, refuse to admit that I believed that god existed. Simply because I didnt want to depend on Him.

But I was brought up to be visiting temples. Not much of churches, but temples. It was only when I was growing up that friends invited me for church gathering and events and such. I, never fail to feel dizzy after the services. Never once. Today, I realise, it was because I'd me resisting the presence of god, and the fact that I did not understand who were they praying to with that amount of devotion, got me thinking alot; just gets my head feeling extremely heavy. The perks of being stubborn. ;D
I came across a good friend of mine, praying on random occasions, telling me that she believes god had planned things for her and that He was listening to her. Got me really sceptical. Considering how much a good friend can really influence you, this, is one. What she told me, got me thinking. ALOT.

As the year was coming to an end, I saw myself wanting to go temples to pray for a good result with my wace and also praying that He would take care of both my mom and aunt for me while I will be away, busy finding my own life. It just felt like it was necessary. And that was all I asked for. It was something I couldnt do on my own, but I wanted to have that secure feeling that someone would be out there, looking out for the two of them. I pray. While praying, the praying guy who was humming chants to the god asking god to protect me and all sorts, the only thing I did then was, "no, don't protect me, protect my mom and my aunt, not me". That was what I was saying in my head the whole time when he chanted.

I prayed to kuan yin. God should be a she... Omg. Screw that shit. I just wanted to admit that I do pray. Religions, gods, beliefs, it all depends on the individual.

Actually stumbled across this video on youtube, a poem on how this guy loves Jesus but not the religion. And then there was a response video by this atheist guy, dressed in a worn out t-shirt, holding a glass of wine, using the f word as though it was ABC. I understand that the atheist disagrees with what the poem video was about, but. What I did not understand was why he couldnt just question and comment in a manner that could be much more... Smart? It felt offensive, the way he responded to that poem video about how different between believing in god and believing in the religion. That poem had no sense of offensiveness, yet the response given by this responses video was indeed a brainless one. Couldnt help but to stop watching after a minute in. Truth is, we all have different opinions on what we believe in, there is not one opinion that is right nor wrong, thus there was no point of proving that your opinion is the right one at all. Being offensive is just inappropriate. We may question, we may comment, BUT NOT THRASH! Dear brainless people, please, for the sake of humanity, please use your brains eventhough we believe that it is empty up there. =/

Owh, and that video got me thinking of how stubborn I was. Saw myself being reflected a little by that atheist guy, honestly. And it got me thinking. Stubborn? Right now, I have decided to throw that away, burrying it in the earth where it could never be found again. In order to lessen the worry feeling in my dear mother and my dear auntie, I hereby decide to stop being stubborn and resistant. I, will get there. =)