okay focus. mmmmh!
lol. i seriously need to focus on this one. cause it's some sort of a buried thought of mine that i never really thought of bringing it back into realtime. it didn't feel necessary at all, to be honest. but i somehow came across this thought, so i guess it is about time that i talk about this, in a proper manner, in an adult way... or so called adult way. let's just see if i will still come across this matter in a matter of... 10 years time from now? we shall see. time will indeed tell. alright, here goes nothing. =)

father. daddy.

i never really had the chance to use them almost ever. yes, i may use them in conversations, but it was never about mine. i choose not to talk about mine. as mentioned, it felt unnecessary. i would always go by the same old story. this story used to be one heck of a tough one to talk about when i was little, but as i grew up, i shortened the whole damn story into just one mere sentence. it was getting tired talking about the whole story from the beginning, in addition to the fact that i may not talk to these people whom i just told my whole long face numbing story from the start to the end, it didn't feel necessary to tell the whole story anymore. thus, it just tires me out.

"parents divorced, been staying with my aunt since two."

one sentence. short and simple, the icing of the cake, just enough. even with that, the person who had just listen to it would have been numbed and would not know how to respond to you already. hence, the awkwardness. which then gets much more tiring, trying to pump up a topic, changing that awkward moment there.

when i was a kid, i would walk about, looking at how my friends had happy families, mother, father, child, hand in hand, smilling and laughing. just being a happy family. i was really envious then. my mother was never really around, i have no idea who my father is like. i felt jealous that i could not have the same life my friends did. all this while, i grew up, living with my aunt and her family. no memories of being rejected by another family who took care of me for a short period of time until i was told about last year or so. i couldn't call my aunt mummy, or my uncle daddy, but i called my cousin brother and cousin sister, kor kor and jie jie, my aunt remains as yee yee and uncle as yee jiong.

watching my friends running towards their mothers and being loved and all ways possible. one friend whom i gotten close somewhere around the last year of primary school, got me envious, for i got to stay over at her place for a night, saw how her family was like. i didn't have that. but i had my aunt who had taken care of me, without fail, up until today. and my brother and sister who have gotten to accept me as their little sister. it wasn't until recently that my uncle had finally accepted me as 'family'.

blessed that i could grow up in this family, they were educated. could not have imagined what it would be like if i had not lived with this family. i owe this family my life. i really believe i do.

who my father is.
it's just one weird topic altogether to even be discussed about. i, have his genes, his blood, i do look like him in someways, but i don't know who he is, and best of all, i am actually afraid of him.

growing up, i only knew my father as someone who gets drunk and takes all my mother's hard earned money, just so he could go and buy more alcohol to be consumed. it gave me an image that all drunk people are scary, causing me to have this generalised thought that people will lose their minds when they are drunk, not caring about almost anything at all.
i was told that i am afraid of everything. would just cry at the sight of anything that would scare the crap out of me. those coin paid rides? where you see kids enjoying themselves on them? marry go rounds? i was afraid of those. and i was told that i was afraid was probably cause i saw my father hitting my mother or somesort that got me scared of EVERYTHING.
talk about conditioning and generalising. it is no doubt proven in my case. haha
if one were to ask me about my father,
i honestly have no clue who he is. i have only met him a few times in my life after i had started to stay with my aunt. even so, i was almost terrified whenever i meet him. and i believe i still am scared today. the fact that he is my father, and i know nothing of him, was just... unacceptable.

damn. my life really does seem screwed up. omg.

as you age, you start to discover more and more about the days when you had no clue what was happening when you were much younger. you tend to understand things better, accepting why it had happened, why it had to happen that way and it just goes on. the realisation part had always been the hardest part for me to accept.
it still is.
cause when you were younger, you couldn't bother less on what was happening, YOU JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN. there wasn't any point in understanding complicated things then.

when the teachers in my primary school asked the students to bring their birth cert, i would look at theirs on how different theirs were as compared to mine. i realised mine was printed on the year 1995. no, i was still born on 1993. it wasn't until last year that i knew why. it turns out that my father had come around to take my birthcert away from me or something, and that my aunt had to go file a police report, saying that it was missing, to replace the 'stolen' one. hence, the difference in my birthcert as compared to everyone else's. 1995. noted.

then sometime last year i was wondering, why didn't the marriage work out, and how come the marriage was so short that i had to live with my aunt since the age of 2. i questioned my mother, but i didn't get a clear answer, i made a conclusion that if i had existed, they would most probably had not gotten married in the first place. well, i got the answer just recently. parents wedding date : 25th August 1992. well. i was born on the 26th of February 1993. 7 months pregnancy. i do not recall any story about me being a baby that was lucky enough to survive a premature delivery. i guess my conclusion was proven right after all.

there have been countless number of times where i had blamed myself on everything that has happened around me. for i believed, nothing as bad as these would have occured if i had not existed in the first place. i could only imagine how much troubles everybody had to go through with this divorce and the fact that i was a child, who needed to grow up properly. it had definitely been a heck of a journey for all of them. both sides, everybody. just everybody. everybody...

fact that my mother had to leave me with my aunt, to work, to earn a living to support me, to make sure that i would grow up, having a normal life.
fact that i had to stay with my aunt's family eventhough i was not her own child, my aunt gave me all the love she could possibly give me.
fact that my uncle had to allow me into his house, and hold responsibilities for i was living under his roof.
fact that everybody had to go through so much crap, i really don't see how i could not blame myself for all this.
some may say it had been my parents fault in the first place. but the blame would be neverending that way.

i don't know what it feels like to have a proper mother's love nor a father's love. i don't even want to go near that thought sometimes. cause i would end up, stoning, not knowing how to respond. and honestly, sometimes i feel bad for my mother, cause i can't bond with her as much as i could with my aunt. it is as though, my aunt had become my mother while my mother had become my father. somesort that way. but i still feel unattached to my mother like how i should be, i tried, but i never really could.
i remember crying everytime my momma had to leave and go back for work. for i knew when she leaves, it would be months before i could see her again. but as i grew up, i got used to the fact that she would have to leave me anyhow, and it just felt as though it didn't really matter if she came back or not, cause she had to leave again. did the bond disappear? nope, she is still my mother, the fact that she still come home and tried to keep the bond was admirable.
as for my father? if i am not mistaken, i was forbidden to meet him until i was slightly older enough? about 6-7 years of age where i could see him again. i don't know, but he was just a complete black hole for me. i fear him somehow.

i am slightly lost in my own thoughts right now.
heh. sorry.

but i know i have to keep that bond with my mother, for she had sacrificed so much, just to make sure i grew up well. my father played no role in the process of me growing up, it was all my mother and my aunt.

complicants have always been around within families.
we all have our own different stories. and based on how we were brought up, it had definitely shaped us for who we are. i guess that sense of insecurity kicks in when people somehow could not accept you for who you are. you start wondering where had you gone wrong, when the fact is, you were perfect the way you are.

you can say that i am arrogant here, but i believe i have every right to be who i am today. looking back from where i came from, i am blessed.

" Hi! I'm Kimberly, my parents divorced and i have lived with my aunt and her family since the age of 2. =) "

that, should be sufficient enough, yeah?