i am still being held back by 2011. something is stopping me from moving forward. yes, it is the new year, it is a whole lot of new experiences. but a part of me feels that a small part of last year has yet to be resolved. it literally is killing me, but i am hoping by posting something here, would help me, at least a little, to pull me through. probably i am only as far of waiting to hear something i would want to hear and i will be in peace. but as of now, i am far from feeling blissful. not even to enjoy the perks of being my sister's main bridesmaid this coming sunday.

as a matter of fact, i'm feeling rather anxious and a little upset that i would be the one doing a considerably large amount of things. on normal days, i would be extremely happy to have a list of things to do. but not now, and i feel even worse about it. i told myself i would be really honest with whatever i want to post in the newest blog of mine, and i sincerely would want to keep this as a memory, one where i could look back at laugh at.

i realised blogging had helped me alot. it is not a matter whether i have readers or not, but i feel superbly blessed when i have readers; people are actually reading what i have to say. first of all, blogging had helped me clear several questions i had been questioning myself for a quite some time, some questions were never answered, but as i post about it, i soon realise i actually have the answers to those questions, and then i would lay that question to rest, feeling much more better than when i first started scribbling about the matter in my blog.

my blog is very dear to me, some posts have gotten to personal that i could not even post them online, it did help me a little with the relieves, but it was only a partial one, surprisingly, it isnt as effectiv as publishing it only, with a glimmer of hope that i am being heard. i had way too many drafts in my previous blog. deeming it as unworthy for the public views. i guess then, i was trying to get attention of at least a few loyal readers before getting all loose, and expressing everything. it is rather complicating, the way i think. it doesnt make sense most of the time, even i don't understand what i want. leaving it simple, posting and not posting, whether people are reading or not, the hope still is there. only my actions differ according to my emotions then.

which leads me to my decision to choosing the university to study in. no question asks, i already had my aim in wanting to study in australia when i was 16. it seemed impossible then, but i kept my hopes and dreams up. a little something where i have that tiny pinch of hope to keep me going on to the next day. aimed for an australian matriculation right after i was done with high school. a question came up, a decision between SAM which is in Taylors and AUSMAT which is in Sunway. It took me sometime to make my final decision. for one, i was going to Sunway alone. wasn't expecting anyone from highschool to be taking the same course with me, or even coming to Sunway to study when on the other hand, i was confirmed with buddies there in Taylors. Sunway offered the course to be much cheaper compared to Taylors. that itself was a factor to why i chose AusMat. apart from a whole check list i have made for my own reference, to convince myself that i had made the right decision. then came January, Natasha and Rachel came along. March came with a few other high school friends. but by then, i was already psyched up that i will be on my own.

AusMat was the right decision that was made. thank goodness for that. and now, i have uni to decide. i made myself a open decision, applying for 4 universities, with a wide range of atar requirement. a safe decision to do so. just in case i had a low atar, at least i was still accepted somewhere, my dreams of studying in australia would be fulfilled still. and now after attaining my atar, i was short or a .5 from being accepted to the best uni out of the 4 i had applied for. the other three had already responded, it was only MONASH that i was short of. this was the one matter that was to push me to either Melbourne or Tasmania. initially i was drawn by the fact that Tasmania was more of an isolated area, which leaves me with little entertainment and enjoyment. good thing for a person like me who is constantly distracted easily. and i was convinced that i would be alright there. the factor that it is further away, assures me that friends would only think twice before coming over to pay me a visit, another additional point to the distraction factor.

it requires some mental preparation to be going abroad alone. with no one to depend on, the preparation was indeed necessary. thus raises the concerns of those who cared for me. if i had the option to choose between melbourne and tasmania, they would prefer me to go study in melbourne. a simple reason is that my sister is there based in Melbourne. which would ease everything else for me. when in need, as in when in serious need, at least i have my sister to depend on. and i already have a friend who will be studying in there in melbourne. it leaves the loved ones of mine, a sense of a slight relieved that i will be taken care of. and that means alot to me. why would i want to make these people worry for me when i could prevent that altogether?

studying in Tasmania would be cheaper too. and UTAS is more known for it's environmental . it's an isolated island similar courses and, which provides better chances for us to do more research, no? well, i can only guess for now, not much of the information given would compare to our own experience in that particular course in that particular institute. this, i have learned from ausmat.

all in all, i still can't decide.
my sister came up with this idea, where i could study for my first year in Melbourne and move to Tasmania if i really want to when the first sem ends. provided that i have to do very well for my first year in order to transfer my credits over. otherwise i have to stay put wherever i am until i'm done for the three years.

what i fear is the fact that i may not be able to cope well with my studies. then all those money spent would be wasted. =/

ask the majority, people would say Melbourne over Tasmania.

if only i could push this matter aside for awhile, where i can be fully focused on my sister's wedding and help her make her best day ever, a memorable one. i wish i could. but the sem begins on the end of february, and i have to be in australia by mid february. my visa and everything has yet to be done yet. not even started. which is a worry issue for me. everything is going haywire. i can't keep my head straight on what i am supposed to do. well. this really does suck.

definitely something i would laugh about in a few months time. =)