Mummy would tell me, 'your living expenses, you would have to earn on your own'.
So, how?
Mummy has no clue what I am about to do. =/
Initially it was about the place. And now, its about the money issue. Damn. What should I do now?

When I with the fact that everybody wants me to be in Melbourne, I told myself, if monash accepted me, I will have a reason to go Melbourne. And now that I have gotten my offer from monash, money has became the main problem. And when I told them about it, they were like, "you, so want to go tasmania, then go lo".

You have no clue how frustrated this has gotten me. After all those arguments and me accepting it, now they tell me tasmania would be better, simply because of the money issue. It was one of the reasons why I picked tasmania also, but I got brainwashed. All I knew then was to get to Melbourne, and study. Eases everybody's mind, and I'll be okay. Now to find out that they could easily change their mind just like that because of money, does get me furious.

From, 'your reasons are not acceptable', to, 'it's your decision'. At this crucial time, after all those worrying of not getting monash and settling in for la trobe, hearing that just throws me all over the place. If I tell anyone, and with the price in play, people would all tell me to go for the cheaper one. Which was actually my first choice to begin with.

Honestly, I'm supposed to be happy after hearing I finally get approval to go for my choice. But after so much of mind churning days, this is definitely not something to be joyful about. What more that my mom will be back and the money is stuck there at either macau or China, it still will be slightly troublesome to deal with.

I realise this was the reason why I could not even decide on which piece of dress to buy few days back. It was between one green dress and one skin colour dress, one was s, and the other was xs. It was a simple decision, but I couldnt decide. And ended up, I decided not to buy, cause somehow, it was too overwhelming, I felt like I was about to breakdown. It was only a dress that I am breaking, but if that makes me want to break down, it seriously is not a laughing matter, at. all.

I have never had to ability to make my own decision. I always settle in for what the others would deem as the better choice, for I believe, they knew better. I also believed that what happens after that decision is based on myself, whether it will be a good one or a had one, that would be up to me. Blaming was never the thing. But blaming others had always been easier than blaming oneself. I, am however forever blaming myself before hand.

In this matter, it would be me, unable to stand up for my own opinion in the first place, and let the world influence my decision.

I am only afraid that I will make the wrong decision. Why the hell would I ask and listen to others if I was that confident with my own decision to begin with?

11.06pm, 4th Dec 2011.