Here are two posts that I didnt post up online.
Just a preview on how depressed I was then. :P

29th Feb 2012:
Everyone whom sit with, I would say, "hi! I'm Kimberly!" and after the other person responses, the conversation ends there. It is either because the lecture has started or the conversation just couldnt be saved. Fact that if one tells me I am not even trying, I wish I could have a recorder in my eyes to record how my day is like. I want to feel like I belong here, I really do. And its not like I did not try, maybe I tried a little too hard, but either way, I still did try.

I am a foreign student here in Melbourne. Of course I would feel insecure amongst a community of whom I am NOT familiar with. When I first came to melb, everybody were all so friendly, that I even felt so scared that they may see me as a rude bitch. And then uni started, where did all the super friendly aussies went?! I even bumped into a couple of racist Australians. One on my orientation, the first person whom I wanted to be friends with and one more just yesterday. The first was an obvious racist bitch, cause I tried talking to her and out conversation stopped at hello. Then an aussie came and sit on her right, she immediately got so jolly and I even see them walking around campus together that day. No, they were not friends prior to that day as I heard them introducing themselves to each other. That has definitely shaken up my confidence to the max. Yesterday? This aussie girl. I said hi, she said hi, and we were done. I felt so uncomfortable sitting there beside her. Moments after that,al she turned to her friend and said, "why are there so many Asians around here?". I was still there right beside her then. My guts had told me the right indication, and I moved away from that seat.

It is always me who says hi first. Obviously I am desperate for a friend. Imagine walking amongst the whole bunch of brainy science students and you know NO ONE at all. You are in a foreign land, you faced some racist people of that country. How the hell do you expect me to be so chirpy and not miss home for a single bit?

If I try being anti social, my friends would tell me that I am being silly. As if I didnt know that making friends is important. So important that it took me ten months to get closer to those bunch of college friends I have til today.

Fact that the lectures begins as soon as the clock strikes 5mins past the hour, and stops 5 mins sharp before the hour, students will all be paying attention. Where am I supposed to find time to mix around then? If it's a comfort zone that is stopping me from doing what I am supposed to do, then no. Comfort zone is me staying back home in Malaysia and study like everyone else in that same uni, reluctant to allow time to change things. But I have punched through almost all kinds of walls I could, just to get here. And now I have the friendship barrier.

Friends back in msia are all busy with their start of uni, I can't possibly hog the crap out of their time and make sure they are there with me 24-7. That is just plain selfish. They have got. Their own lives too and they need to live theirs. But letting go is that difficult at this stage. It feels like nobody is understanding what it feels like at the moment.

Fact that you are amongst the school of tuna, you are still the only one there, with no one to interact with. It is not only me feeling this horrible, so far, I have two others who are feeling the same as I am, lonely.

I love where I am right now, I just need a company to share my life with.

3rd March 2012:
At this moment, it feels like I am in the middle of nowhere. I don't feel like I belong here, neither do I feel like I would be welcomed if I were to return home. Deep down I know this is where I want to be. But I can't help but to feel extremely lonely at the moment. I am resulting into studying just to occupy my mind off my worries. Depressed would be the best word to describe my current emotions. All I want to do is curl in bed and not do anything at all.

Waking up to nothing, is the worst feeling ever. Knowing that the emptiness is there, it literally haunts your living daylight. I have never felt this insecure, ever. Looking back at those days when I had absolutely everything, they all look ridiculous now. Everything and everyone seemed distant now.

I am living my dream on an empty life.

Well. After that I just stopped writing stuff like that. But I am pretty sure it showed throughout this whole month's posts. Hehehehehe.
Depressed? Done that!
Having the urge to go home? Done that!
Right now, I am only wondering what to have to treat my tummy this coming weekend. :)

Yeay! :)
<3