A visit to Melbourne Aquarium by myself, a trip to Melbourne Zoo on my own.. I could literally have the whole world to my own, taking my own sweet time, spazzing at the animal of my choice. Animals playing hide and seek, hiding from the heat, dozing away their boredom-ness, animals swimming round and round and round and round, cause they have nowhere else to go. If only I had gotten up earlier, then I would have more time to just sit and stare at the animals, hoping they would do something unusual.

Day in, day out, I still wonder if my decision to study Zoology would be worth my passion and time or otherwise. Reality seems to constantly tell me that I will suffer with a science degree, majoring in Zoology. Career wise, I am most definitely unlikely to earn income, but personally, it is the only thing that I know I want to do. After all, it was a decision that I made, a decision that I knew very well that I wanted to take, the decision that I thought thoroughly about. Maybe not as thorough as how others would perceive, but it was a plan that I have drawn for my own comforts.

Sure enough, the word Zoology sounded like a very interesting subject. First thought that would go through everybody's mind would go somewhere along the lines, 'So... You want to work in a Zoo?'. It does make me sound a little mean, but I always laugh at the fact that the public only knows as much of a Zoologist as the person who works in a Zoo. That sounded grammatically wrong, but my point is there. :P

It partially feels like I am living my inner child dream. As a kid, I am pretty sure we were all exposed to learn how to love animals with a simple reason, which is their adorable features. From there, we learn how to care for other beings. But as we age, we grew to be more realistic, and the animals suddenly seemed like they don't mean anything at all; we care for humans more than animals. The stigma was that anyone who cared for animals more than they cared for humans, are ridiculous or completely out of their mind. And as usual, people didn't want to feel like an outcast, they conform to the society, and there goes the compassion for animals.

I'd like to think that I am silly. For wanting to die being attacked by an animal instead of sitting on a lazy chair waiting for my heart to stop pumping. My aunt will give me that 'you're-saying-this-ridiculous-thing-now-because-you-don't-know' look, whenever I tell her that I didn't mind when she asked me what if an animal were to attack me while I spend 'studying' them.

Part of me feels like I am headed for a stumped future with my decision. With friends talking about getting scholarships to continue their PhDs, with getting work experiences and getting a steady life, prepared to settle down and getting married.. Me? It doesn't feel like I have anything to lose, as though I could afford to make any rash decision and if anything does go wrong, I have no one to blame but myself. In a way, I am being selfish. In a way, it feels like I am a child being immature and rebellious. But it is the one dream I want to live.

My passion has driven me to push boundaries, taking chances to study here in Australia where animals are cherished. Til that day when I was at the aquarium, I saw how magnificent a stingray is, then I remembered the late Steve Irwin. A passerby then came by and said while pointing at the stingray, 'Hey, you're the one who killed Steve Irwin!'. It was then that I realised how inspired I was by this great man. If is was not for him and his passion for animals that was introduced to the world, I will never know that studying animals was ever possible. His passion shone and won the hearts of millions across the globe. People got inspired by him, and I was that little girl who got inspired too. He was my idol, and without a doubt, still is my idol.

Today, I decided to do a little research on his little girl, Bindi. YouTube a little here and a little there, and stumbled upon her eulogy for her father's funeral. An incident that happened 6 years ago, I only remembered it was a great loss. But just like every other great losses we had through the years, I didn't thought it would affect me much. But today after watching that video and remembering what he has done, I cried. LOL. With that said, I really don't think there is any way for me to back out of my decision in pursuing that dream of mine.

I really want to do this. To do more research on animals and be their advocate. Even if I don't speak for them, learning more about them would be enough for me.

Like a child who refuses to grow up.

What should I talk about?

How my brain and mind has two completely different thinking of their own. One will always have the logical win, the other would have everything to consider about. What comes out of these two combined, almost never comes out right or how one would perceive as normal. If only there is a way to split the two up, or even to have a simple compromise between the two. But it almost never happens.

People would say that it is 'overthinking'. I can never agree enough. It is a constant battle between the Angel and the Devil that buzzes around on the side of my noggins. Honestly, I don't even know who wins most of the time. I for one, will know that I get frustrated at myself for thinking too much and just go on with the most recently thought plan. For example, when I am to buy an item.. A dress for instance.

Mind: ooh! Such pretty dress! Brain: isn't it pricey? Mind: but it's not like you get to find such a pretty dress that firs perfectly! Brain: you have so many dresses already. Mind: IT'S ON SALE!! Brain: when are you gonna wear that? Mind: whenever the chance comes!

My mind speaks ME, but my brain is like my inner motherly instincts that tells me, it isn't practical. As me as I can get, my mind will almost always win. Once the mind gets what it wants, the brain glares at the mind like how a mother would, and I will end up feeling guilty as ever.

It takes me ages to make my own decision. When I finally make my decision, something out there will make me feel a slight guilt in myself. Then only way I could get over this guilt, is by convincing myself that it was the best that I could do, and there was pretty much nothing else that I could do about it. Which, is the truth. Considering how I could have easily gotten myself insane just thinking about that one decision (as though it would change my life forever).

Then to think again, that one decision really could change the course of the future. What sucks most is that there is no such thing as a u-turn or any special card that can be played any given time.

What is it that I want?

Love? Attention? Care? Though sometimes, I really do feel selfish for wanting these kinda things. Besides, it's not something you can ask off a person either. If it's there, it's there, if it's not, it will never be there. When these cards come to play, my brain somehow wins over my mind big time.

Mind: ooh! Let's tell them stories about you! Brain: it's not like they will be interested. Mind: just be completely random then! Brain: what makes you think you're entertaining?

Then I'll just end up sitting there quietly, minding my own business til my brain and mind sort it out.

Even during exams, these two would still be at it.

Mind: OMG. You're not familiar with this! You're screwed!!!

At this point, my mind is in absolute control that my brain couldn't function due to the chaos that the mind made. It wasn't until the mind knew that panicking would not do any good, it begin to relax and the brain took over.

There were times where the mind was being overly confident that the brain was lacking, which resulted with relatively bad results too. LOL

The mind, as you can see, is what we all know as emotions. What we feel good with, what we want. The brain is the boring old rule book with no emotions whatsoever. It has never been an easy task to balance the two out. Feelings are what triggers memories. There is no doubt that we all want to have as many good memories as supposed to bad ones, hence the reason why we follow our heart (mind).

I don't know if I am doing the right thing, but I am hoping for the best.

Feels like I haven't been updating much on my blog. I just couldn't find the inspiration to sit, and spend a couple of hours writing to my heart's content. I miss that feeling. Where I find time for myself, time for me myself and I ultimately. All I have been thinking about for the past few months, all that has been occupying my mind for the past few weeks, just occupies my free times to myself to just sit and relax. My only escape was sleeping. It is the holidays, after all. And sleeping is the only time where I would just not think about anything, and allow my subconsciousness to take over my system for those few hours.

My drawer is filled with novels that are just waiting for me to spend time to read. But where are my time being used as? Right now, it feels like whatever I am about to say, would end up as a complaint about life in general that seems to be keeping me a buzz. True, I like that I have something to do during this long lonely summer break, but at the same time, it doesn't feel like it's for myself, it feels more like a responsibility, something that I must get my head into, something that I must accomplish before the start of the next semester.

I forsee myself to be in an epic rush for time once the semester begins. What not with my time invested with the Malaysian Society. Ultimate frisbee will end up being my hobby where I would spend time to relieve myself off everything else that could be eating my soul alive. With the decision of taking up Zoology and Physiology as my majors starting next semester, time needs to be allocated to studying. Especially when my results this semester turned out to be the awful truth about how important the amount of time and sacrifice needed to be allocated accordingly for the results to be the way it is.

Geography, Pass
Biology, Pass
Environmental Biology, Credit
Chemistry, Credit

Honestly, the moment I saw my results, I could almost cry. But I knew it was something that I was expecting, based on the amount of time that I have spent in the library, nerding it out this semester. Regrets? None. I have developed so much more in terms of social and physically. It was my lack of focus on what I needed to focus on most, education. Maybe a slight frustration in myself, knowing I could have done better, knowing this was definitely not the best that I could do, knowing that I knew where and when were the decisions that I made were wrong. I am upset at myself, disappointed. But I deserve what I deserve.

That was a big downgrade from my first semester here in Melbourne. But because I know what is affecting my academics, the only thing left is to make sure I have a proper discipline to carry on, bring me through the next year, hopefully in ease, just not another round of downgrade, hopefully. There is no way that things will be any easier that it used to be. Things has changed so much since the first day I stepped foot here. Everyday, is another new journey, I learn more by the day, I could not emphasize enough.

That difficulty in approaching random people, has diminished to almost nothing. I thank Ultimate Frisbee for that. It allowed me to meet people of all kinds here in Australia, sharing the common interest in the game of Ulti. I still wonder why I still can't find any common interest with people of the same course as I do in Uni, partially feeling like I have intentionally skipped lectures to get away from people who I see everyday, yet not a word spoken to them at all. It does feel like life tends to get a tad bit difficult when I am amongst other smart bums who were taking Science as their degree, feeling like I am there to study, for the sake of studying and there is just no fun in it.

Then again, studying, is for the sake of studying after all. It gets absolutely dry when you are studying on your own, loosing interest as it drags along. I only recalling myself talking about ultimate frisbee whenever I could. It's ridiculous. But it brings me joy, introducing the game to the ignorant world that knows nothing about it's existence. I wish I could just stop bragging about it, but there literally is nothing else I could talk about other than this.

Tassie, is a place where it is absolutely engulfed with greenery. My heart literally felt peace the moment I looked out to the hilly plains of Tassie beneath the aircraft. That sense of isolation when we landed at this little airport where there seems to be no congestion or pollution whatsoever that could be done by humans. It just felt like I could stay there for a long time, just absorbing the peace and tranquility of it all. Passing by UTAS almost every single time we left our temporary home for a visit around, made me wonder, what if I did study here in Tassie. All those greeneries, all those wildlife parks where I could have spent my hours hopefully working in.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Damnit. I should stop being delusional.

Am I bored? I think I am. Everyone I know here has already gone back home. All I see on facebook are random gatherings of outbound students who have gone home to meet up and spend time with families and friends alike. ME?! Owh.. just stuck here, minding business of my sponsorship job because everyone is back at home while keeping my fingers crossed that I get a place to live in within a month or so, otherwise I would just end up homeless. Nothing big, nothing big.

The joys of summer holidays. All I want to do, is spend a whole day in the zoo, watching animals, and then another day in the aquarium, just staring at them animals swimming about, round and round in their enclosed home. Putting myself in their shoes, I would feel sad. I just hope that they would not have developed human feelings that would make them extremely upset when they figure out that their lives would just be stuck there and there only. :O

I need a car. Would someone be kind enough to sponsor me a car and a year's supply of petrol?

Change, for the better or for the worse.

It felt like forever since I last shared my personal life here on my blog. Partially it was me trying to explore how far I could get into finding a secure spot in whatever that I was headed for, that the details of it made no sense at all, even to myself. With decisions overlapping one another, and with me having to learn to pick a priority out of the given choices. Adapting to a new life seems a little too overwhelming somehow, but I am very sure it's in a good way. Only question is if I am handling and juggling everything just as I should, or I am missing out a several key points. Plus, my thoughts that are caused by these major changes, seems really ridiculous to interpret. Most often, it ends up as a complete nonsense. Partially wishing that things could and would be easier to bear, but without difficulty there isn't much to learn from.

Being a committee member of the Malaysian Society has broaden up my social circle with fellow Malaysians both within Monash at Clayton, and also from other universities around Melbourne. I would consider myself to be the lucky one, as this would be the first time that the rest of the committee members from each and every university are beginning to work closely together, hand in hand with one another. The social circle, as well as the exchanging of wise thoughts and experiences greatly helped with me getting acquainted with my role as the Sponsorship Officer of MUMSU (Monash University Malaysian Student Union). If it weren't for these people, I am pretty sure I would crumble within the first week that my official 'work'load began. I had no prior experience to this, and I had not a slightest clue that things were this complicated within a society in a University stage. High school clearly did NOT prepare me for this. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

It was no longer a simple plan of 'okay, we wanna go here, we gonna get this, we gonna get that, we gonna pay for that, OKAY!'. Now? Everything has got to be thorough, each trip we plan we had to ensure that we could target the right amount of people to come for our events, and as big as the scale of the event would be, the higher it would cost. IF the sponsorship people like me are not doing their job properly, this society would not be able to have the green light to organise awesome events for the Malaysian community that we took the responsibility to help them feel at home. That instant when I stepped foot into MUMSU as a committee member, my mind is constantly blown by the amount of details we would need in order to keep this society running actively. Instead of only having fun, we had to put the priority of our fellow Malaysians in mind. We weren't doing this for ourselves, we were doing this for them.

Then came Frisbee. The one thing that I have been boasting about ever since I started playing. What more could I say, it has changed my life entirely. I found home within this group of people who calls themselves RunningMan. The moment when I got the call from my darling senior, she asked if I would be interested in joining her team and that they were to be making a jersey. That jersey was probably the starting point of where I felt like I truly belonged somewhere. Yes, I am silly for making a nonliving object as my evidence of security, but it served its purposes to me. Playing frisbee with them, going out on outings with them, and even travelling to Tasmania with them. That homey feeling just made me feel like I could just live with them for almost ever.

That Tasmania trip of mine would probably be one of the most things I treasured this semester. Eversince I got accepted by UTAS, I was just an inch close to becoming a student in UTAS, but Monash was the chosen decision. But I have always wondered how it would be like to experience Tassie. When they decided that they were headed towards Tassie for the holiday, I was both excited but doubtful at the same time. I felt like I should be going, as I wasn't really a part of them yet, I was still the new one and I might get lost. But everything turned out well, and it felt like it was the best combination that I had ever had, ever. I got to visit Tasmania and experience Tassie for a bit, I got to play frisbee there with them and other Tassie players, and I got to spend time with the team and get to know them better. It was only after this Tassie trip that I allowed myself to be free and just mingle around casually with them, and that I felt like I found a family away from home. :)

Though there were times where I had to pick between MUMSU and frisbee. As of now, I know I would give Frisbee as a priority, while everything else could just line up behind. But of course, the responsibility as a committee member outweighs my priority sometimes. When I had to choose between the two, my heart would be completely torn, my heart wanting to be with the frisbee team, but I know I have to be elsewhere to do important things for the people.

Every meeting, is equally as important. Every meet up, is equally necessary.
One is for the mentality, one is for the emotions.

On the side note, the time I have for myself has depleted drastically from the time that I was still a complete nerd. Results will be releasing.. tomorrow? And I really have very little expectations from it. Whatever that comes, I will have to accept, as I know it had been a drastic change for me ever since this semester started, and it was the best I could do (except not attending alot of the lectures).

Also, I am pretty sure I have neglected a handful of friends back home in Malaysia too. I used to give them a call once in awhile, but.. whatever I say next will only be an excuse. :(

I have completely stopped cooking too. Not even cleaning my room as often as I should either. Have been spending alot of time and trips to and from the city.

This is still only the beginning, challenge really starts next year when the semester begins again. This time, there is no way I could slack in my studies in any given way, while maintaining my non-lecture activities. Plus, I will be moving out, hopefully to a place that is nearer to uni, then it would not give me an excuse to skip lectures. HEH.

I finally saw a FULL rainbow. Tassie.. :')

Waiting for my flight to Tasmania, I sit and I have nothing to do. I look across, and there was a family with a baby, a newborn of about one month, maybe. I am really bad at estimating, mind me. :X I began to think about what the future holds for me, and I tried reminiscing on the times that I was still a little girl.

Being at the last few months to my teenage days, I guess I am feeling slightly pressured upon myself. Adulthood seems scary, because we all know that this is the stage where we have to make important decisions on our own, and we have to take up that responsibility to give back to whom who have loved us dearly ever since we were brought into this world. As I look at the baby, I tried picturing myself being that small, vulnerable, knowing nothing at all. The only expression that could be read from a baby's expression, would be loud cries, and happy faces. Anything in between, would be an absolutely blankness. I mean, what does a baby know, right? It was the time that we needed most caring of, most attention, probably the most troublesome stage we could ever be. Random cryings in the middle of the night, waking up people of the house, just because we feel discomfort. But when people see us, they would feel happy, joy.

How is that possible? :O

As we grow up, we become those eager beings, protesting that we wanting things, asking never ending questions that even adults find it difficult to answer at times. We learned to talk, we learned to run, we learned so much about the beautiful world that we never knew. We still could not fully understand why certain things function at a certain way, but we are there, asking without fail. We learned that we can have choices, and we learn to like things and dislike things. We learn to interact with other people. The point of time where we learn so much, but everything was still enjoyable. There was nothing we needed to worry about, all we know, was to be happy.

People would still look at us and go in awe, complimenting on how adorable we looked. Though secretly, our parents would probably just dismiss the fact of how much of a nuisance we are to them, and would probably agree or disagree with the compliment. But parents will still be proud with the littlest things that they thought we wouldnt do, we do. Somewhat of a grown up thing in us that they see, that they would be grinning about.

The first ten years of life, as my point of view as a 19 year old, seems completely delusional. I would have to say that these delusional little beings are the reason that brings us back to our days, that we too had that much fun. It somehow is intriguing to listen to what they have to say, and just imagine what they would think about when they have reached our stage of time.

The next tenth of life, I would have to say, the most heartbreaking years for our dear parents. With the mindset of ours: 'parents don't understand me'. Countless number of rebels that we do, going against our parents in whatever way that we can. Little did we know, we were breaking their hearts. What more when they know our next stage would be the time where we will leave their side for a certain period of time or for good. Those worrying days where they pray that we still know the rights from wrongs, hoping that we will turn out to be good people in the future.

Right now, I am picturing whatever that had happened in my teen days, probably does affect alot on what I am thinking and deciding on now. The future, is probably the scariest thing to predict, not knowing what exactly will happen, not knowing how will things turn out to be. And it is then where we pretty much make or break our lives.

What do I do with my future? If there is anything I wanna do then, I pretty much have to making a start somewhere now. A decision on what I should be studying now, and what I will be after I graduate. Seems like it's so narrowed down that there is no alternative way to it, other than starting all over again.

Sometimes looking at children being all happy, just brings me back to the days where I could be happy at almost everything. Sometimes I partially feel sad for them that they will eventually lose out at least half of that happiness and grow up to be a normal being like the rest of us. Yet we can't stop them from growing up too fast. The future's generation.

Hello bloggerville,

It has been sometime since I last blabbed here, haven't I? Still would wonder who actually takes time off to read random ramblings of my life here on my blog. Especially lately when I have pretty much, NOTHING to talk about. Been trying to avoid Twitter and Facebook as much as I can, as I came to realisation that I am pretty much putting my social life all over these online social sites. Which is undoubtedly, a very very very bad habit to have. As much as I tried avoiding to post much things on these two sites, I pretty much couldn't run away from it. Maybe it's because I had nothing else to do, other than hogging these social sites, stalking people who I may, or may not know, being entertained by what they are posting, and pondering about what they posted.

Seems lifeless. But it seems like I really had nothing better to do. I tried escaping the internet realm for at least a week, limiting my status updates, and spams on Twitter. I just found it absolutely difficult to avoid just to have a glance or two at almost every hour. To a point where I tried avoiding contact with my beloved laptop at all costs. Which I have succeeded, with a minimum streak of 3 days, perhaps. But then again, I have two mobiles with easy excess to the internet. This in turn has absolutely eliminated my initial acts to begin with. :/

I tried finding other stuff to do, avoiding myself from logging into Facebook and Twitter. For instance, travelling on a long distance journey to the city, which would take me an hour, the internet really helped me in abundance of time killing, and avoiding from falling asleep and missing my stop. This is absurd. But for the past one to two weeks, I have been trying to distract myself, by studying while riding my public transportation. It helped. But it also meant that I would have ran out of reading substance to do for the rest of my free times.

YouTube has been contributing to my total time wasting hours too. ahhhhhhhh..

Two units, with the similar syllabus, but it's actually two absolutely different unit altogether. Even yesterday when I was doing my environmental bio unit, it had a question where I learned from my geography unit. Thank god, that bio paper was a multiple choice question. But tomorrow's paper, the geo one, is fully subjective. Plus the fact that I had the whole one week to cover these two units, and aside from the non-presence of past year questions to be done, I HAD ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD TO DO ALMOST EVERYTHING I WANTED.

It literally felt like I was on a holiday already. I really can't imagine what it would be like when my holiday really comes. All those Facebook and Twitter.. WHERE HAS MY LIFE GONE?!

I used to be those kind who would complain at people who posts nonsense Facebook status and having numbered likes. I, for one, has fallen for that trap where I wanted attention. Facebook likes has given me that weird dose of adrenaline, thinking that people are actually interested in what I say. I really hope you would understand from where I am coming from. On days where I don't go out with friends, all I do is lie in bed, and just spend my entire day there. On days when I have nothing to do, all I would do is pretty much.. nothing.

Now that examination period is almost over, and it's summer break. I really have no idea how am I going to survive this long stretch of loneliness and boredom. Frisbee had been keeping me company for the past few weeks, but by the end of this month, I have a feeling that it will eventually come to an end.

It really does feel like I have no life, other than Facebook and Twitter. Those little joys in life, were temporary. Knowing that it is all temporary, it was necessary for me to grasp as much as I could, otherwise I would miss that one chance to 'rejuvenate'.

Hrmmmm..

I pretty much live in my own world.

A world full of laughters, smiles, and happy spirit. A world where everything is adorable and beautiful. A world that is lighted up by pretty colours of a rainbow, and a spray of different hues of colours all streak upon the sky. Everything seemed perfect. It is a happy place.

I used to be able to write a much longer paragraph of those descriptive things. It is either I couldn't be bothered to write more on it, or I simply am blocked out by my own creativeness.

Huh?

Mehhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I just wish I could be a child forever. Nothing to worry about. Just a happy carefree kid. Forever.

Dream on, sister!

Well hello there. It's about 15 minutes til today ends, feeling like blogging, but I have yet to have a topic in my head that would be worth talking about.. yet? Hopefully that 'point' would come up sometime soon as I babble my way through my post today. Most likely in a most random way possible. I miss being absolutely random though. Where things just didn't matter, and everything would be fine.

If only things could always be that simple. Waking up, having a list of things to do, allowing things to just flow in a way that it is absolutely free. Nothing to hold it back from progressing. Unlike the past two days where I would wake up, not knowing what to do next. Also the fact that you know you have a whole bunch of things to deal with, you just end up feeling overly lazy about it, leaving it til the later days to deal with. Why? Cause it feels like I have all the time in the world to do whatever I want at this point of time. Not the typical, rushed and packed daily life that I used to have.

This can be deteriorating. Dang. I really need to set my priorities right. :/ But really, right now I have passed my phase of hardship as a first year international student. With me blabbing on and on and on, endlessly about how much I have changed with almost every post I have ever posted. Hrmm.. Maybe I should talk about something that I have yet to change ever since I step foot here.. ?

ONE. I am lazy as ever. This very bad habit of mine has caused me to have severe gastric pains last year. Staying back in college just because my last class ended at 4.30 then, and I would normally stay back and hang around in the library til about 8-9pm, I developed the habit of not eating, just because I didn't feel like eating. Also since I didn't have the habit of having breakfast in the morning, it also meant that I was pretty much fasting my way through the day. WHAT NOT? Gastric. Somehow, I never learned from that. Even right now, it's gotten worse. Because then, I still could go home and have home cooked food waiting for me to gorge into. Here? I have to rely on my own cooking abilities and also my patience in getting food into my tummy.

The laziness and the whole lot of excuses I give myself, left me eating very unhealthily and sometimes, not eating much for a few days straight. I question myself, why would I torture myself? But laziness wins. :/

Health really is important regardless. One where everyone seems to be neglecting, assuming it wouldn't be a big deal. Til the day when everyone grows old, and the impacts of what our younger days initiated, we are all going to regret badly.

ahhhhhhhhhhhh.. Bad bad bad attitude. But it's my life. And because it doesn't feel like it's an impact to anyone else, I GIVE NO CRAP.. somehow. As long as I am not a bother to other people around me.. right?

Hrmph. Room has been a complete mess too! I couldn't even bother folding my clothes and they are all piled up in my open luggage, right there clogging up my walkway to my bed. It's not only ONE luggage that is filled with clothes, it's actually BOTH of my luggage are open and filled with clothes. Not to mention my books being sprawled all over the floor.

I AM A MESS! D:

Have been trying to blog for the past few days, they all ended up as my drafts. My head was going through so much that I couldn't finish what I started with. In all honesty, I wish I had a headphone or a loudspeaker in my head that speaks whatever that is going through my head. It feels like all these nonsense are just there and is clogging up my thinking capacity.

Then again, I may be saying so as a form of complaint. I have always been known to complain at almost everything possible. Just that for the past few months, I had very little people whom I could talk to, to complain to, it was all clogged up in my head, with pretty much nowhere to go. But hey. It does feel like my old habit is back. With so much more input that I see and experience, I just had to have a thought or two about what I am seeing and experiencing. It got me considering my action, questioning myself if I was doing the right thing or completely wrong. It also got me going through a long pause whenever I needed to make a decision, wondering if it would be the right decision or otherwise. Which, in a matter, I would always assume its the wrong one.

I mean, there is no way you could predict what could really happen in the future, right? One day you have this decision, picturing it to be the perfect life you will see unfolding before your eyes. Then when that day comes, you feel truly disappointed when everything isn't as lavishing as you thought it would be. Because of that, I started to see everything negatively, and be pleasantly blown away whenever things do happen to turn out in a good manner.

Then of course, it is always safer to have a plan, a guideline ready to have a little bit of faith in waking up the next day, in finding a reason to be breathing as you are today.

Me plan, is to graduate with a degree with the word Zoology written on it, as of now, there is no plan to forgo Honours, as I figured that after I have graduated, I would go into the working field.. as an airstewardess. It's a plan, where I get to travel, and work and serve people and meet all kinds of people, also, earning enough money for both me and my mother. Hopefully once I am satisfied with what I have, then I would let it go, and continue my studies with animals.

My passion lies within the lives of animals. I may be human, but it still feels like there is much more to life, than us, humans by our own. If I do get a job, once I am done with this stage of animal studies, I would probably leave the world satisfied.

I am crazy enough to think that I can change the world's perspective towards animals someday. But to do so, I need to learn more about them vocabulary-less beings, our friends on Earth. That, someday will come. Even if I die not changing the world, but if I do learn enough of what I need to know, it's still good enough for me.

I may be overly repetitive of what I am dying to do. It is taking me years to be where I want to be, from today. Even right now, I am not even close to the half way point of my plan, I have diverged myself into having an interest in Biomedical Science. Oh. That look in my aunt's face when I asked her about this unit. It breaks my heart.

If I hadn't had this plan laid out before me, I would imagine myself going through so much more difficult times, trying to cram both Zoology and Biomedical Science, prolonging my years from 3 to 5 years of studying. Looking at my academic capabilities, I know I am incapable of keeping up. There is no point, when I could see myself suffering though my 5 years, probably risking fails and only mere passes in all my units, possibly wasting another two years worth of nothing, coming out and getting a job that I probably wouldn't like and then rot my life away.

I wouldn't think like that if I hadn't see the adults struggling with their lives, working and doing things that they are not passionate about, being slaves to themselves, just to keep their heads above water. I, would rather drown and do what I like, even if it means I will have a shorter life. At least I die, with a happy heart. Isn't that, what matters most?

You may have been seeing alot of words related to death in this post. Sorry, but it does seem like it's slowly creeping in on us. As a child, we know nothing about death, we only know that they are no longer there, physically in our lives. But now.. it feels like it is everything.

I constantly think that I shouldn't be alive, considering how much burden I have served for as long as I have existed. I honestly think that life would have been so much of a better place, if I had not existed. It feels like my existence has no significance in life.

Pretty sure I am not the only one who feels that way, but I do go to the extreme a little. I imagine how I would die. I imagine myself returning as a ghost, walking amongst people and just watching but there is nothing I could do. I imagine that I could just leave the world as it is, and there is nothing that I needed to worry about, leaving the world to be a better place.

But the thing is, I am already breathing. The only thing that is not allowing me to commit suicide, is the fact that once I go, that will be the end of me. All those plans and efforts I have spent trying to make things right, all those people whom I have literally owe my life to, all those people who have spent their moments worrying for me.. Death, will never be the answer.

Sometimes things may be overwhelming. Sometimes you just feel like curling up in a foetal position and sit there, hoping someone would come and pick you up. Sometimes you just wish there is a guide, somewhere out there to tell you that you will be fine, that you are doing the right thing.

But most of the time, you just gotta suck it up, and brave the world as though nothing is holding you back at all. Plant that smile on your face, and be the cheerleader of your own. Play your own game, bring the sunshine to the lives of those around you.

Everyone has got their own story to tell. Everyone, is their own warrior.

The Sun will always shine, the moon will always brighten up the night.

You're breathing.
Just smile.

:)

8.34am, 20th October 2012.

Since I figured I have substance to write, maybe writing a daily blog for this trip wouldn't be a bad idea after all. HEHEHE

It's the morning of the much anticipated wedding. Ever since I made that decision to purchase my flight back for this occasion, I was pretty much psyching myself up, predicting that this will be one of the toughest week ever for me (at least up til the present day, that is). Considering that the wedding falls on the first day of my SWOTVAC week (one weeks worth of study break before the exam commences), at least I knew I will not be missing classes. The only thing I needed to do, was just to prepare myself for my first paper, Chemistry which is on the 29th of October. I never really deemed it as a YOLO (you only live once) thing until a friend mentioned that it was pretty hardcore. Preparing myself for this day, had has it's legendary past, which will be worth remembering.

It began as soon as I got home for my 2nd semester in uni. I planned my timetable, whereby I would get Friday off, so that I would not miss a single lab session (the most important part of the unit, really). But nope, the uni's system decided to give me a Chemistry lab session on Fridays. It got me flopped up for a bit, but it was still settle-able. All I needed to do was to approach them and ask for a transfer, and they gave me a change for that last session of mine. With that done, I had one less thing to worry about. heh!

As the semester progressed, I got myself much more active and I was literally busy running around Melbourne. From my sister's, to frisbee flinging sessions, to important meet ups with the malaysian society, and also just to meet up with some friends to have a little leisure-social time. Definitely would have to blame myself for not being able to manage time properly, as I had not been nerding in the library as much as I used to be. Which in a way, sets back my studying pace, by quite alot. Right now, I have that Chemistry paper to worry about, and I would have to rush back to Melb, and hardcore nerding will have to be done up til the paper. :X

Also, my bro assigned me to perform for his wedding night. Couldn't remember how that decision came along, but I only assumed that I am singing for no reason at all. HAHAHAHAHA Though Natasha will be the main performer. heh. So I guess it was fine. Even knowing so, I was still very worried about my performance. Today is the wedding day, and I am still considering which song to perform tonight. I don't know how I would describe this, it was an initial plan where I would duet with Natasha. But because we were miles apart, it was almost impossible for us to practice together, to get it close to even right. I did thought that it would be a better idea for her to sing my part, so that I wouldn't have to be the embarrassment, singing in my own world. Ohhh. I just feel like laughing when I think of this. 

That tensed feeling I get, made me sat down, and started to record myself singing. The more times i listen to myself sing, the more and more convinced I was that I shouldn't be singing. But at the same time, it felt like I should be performing, as I have my word with Natasha. After all, it's just ONE SONG, right..?

Prior to coming home, it was also partially because my dear friend's birthday falls just a few days after the wedding. It gave me more reasons to come home. hehe. Assignments up my nose, studies up my throat, I am surprised I made it this far, and I am still blogging about it today. HAHAHAHAHA

There are definitely more and more people gathering downstairs, as I sit in my brother's room for the first time, blogging about this. 

1.30am, 19th October 2012

Everytime I have a flight home, I will start reminiscing of the whole time I have been where I am. Putting every journey home as a reference point to how much I have changed and how much things have changed. Probably one way where I would make myself feel better, looking back on what I could actually improve more, or what I could've done differently. As it is still my first year on my own, this is still probably the beginning of an epic journey ahead.

I am pretty sure I have mentioned this in a blog, somewhat a week ago. Will be checking back on it, just in case I am being repetitive. :P

But I like talking about this! This change I have has made me feel so much better about myself (that I secretly want to rub it into the faces of those who have left me in the dark during my first semester here). I know I shouldnt be putting the blame on anyone for my sad times, but it really did felt like I was neglected then. It had hurt my inner self to a point where I was highly delusional, only relying on sleep and study as a gateway where I could escape of how gruesome reality was. Dreams were the things I looked forward to, rather than waking up in the mornings, looking forward to what the beauty of the world was installed for me.

I know that I shouldnt be fretting about this that much, but it has played a significant impact in my life. One that had made me do drastic changes, one that made me realise I had grown into a better person than who I used to be.

No doubt, I still like feeling like a child. When amongst people whom I know are older than me, I'll just lay back and let them make the decisions, as I trust that they knew best. Aside from the fact that I have no faith whatsoever in the things I do, I'd rather sit at the sidelines, watching, listening and learning from them.

But of course, if I were to do that, I had to start mingling around and getting to know more people, beforehand right? Not to forget that initial effort that is needed to start off everything.

This time around, I didn't care about how the outcome would turn out to be. Took numerous leaps of faith, and hoped that I didn't land anywhere where it would be labelled as suicide. Eventhough there may be ravines where I fall too deep into, all I needed to do, was to take a break and strategise on how would I get back out onto the surface. Once done, I was almost ready to take another leap off the cliff. It was either do or die for me, no longer 'what if..?'.

The best decision I have made! As the days passed, I slowly found the spark that I lost, when I first got here. I would not have realised how far I had been down under if it wasn't for a friend who told me that she could sense that I wasn't as cheerful as I used to be, back in the days where I had nothing to worry about.

I had food, I had a car, I had the money.. All I needed to do was study well. Even so, I couldnt. Simply because I was spending my time having fun. No aim, whatsoever.

Here? What I needed most was comfort, trust, and a little bit of external push to get me going.

Which I deprive.

Was even overwhelmed by my own thoughts, clouding over me, telling me that I can never do anything right, nor properly.

*just as I arrived at my seat, I saw a little girl sitting at the chair next to mine. The joy I had when I thought I got to sit beside her. Not too long after that, a man came by and said: ermn, that's my seat. Damnit! Now I can't enjoy the child's adorableness and have to be blocked by the mundane adult sitting beside me. :/ *

Now, where was I?

This time, I learned to treasure those who are dear to me. Friends who cares would appear once in awhile, asking how I am doing or would respond to my Facebook statuses. Though it may seem like it's nothing, but it tells me that they still have me somewhere in their thoughts eventhough I may not be physically present. It meant so much to me sometimes, that I was afraid by mentioning it would make them think I am desperate and would freak out and disappear.

Then again, if they do freak out, they should not be worth me calling them as friends, right?

Heh. Piece of bullcrap!

I really could not care less of what people think of me anymore. As long as I, am happy, why not?

Yes there may be times where I should be self conscious, and moderate my actions. But weighing the pros of letting loose is much more than holding it in, letting loose WINS!

That fuzzy feeling whenever there is a flight to be done. Lack of sleep, and what not. Insanity!

Heh. I apologise for my randomness. >< being zombified has never been a good decision xD

Growing up in a house that always has at least one kind of animal, sparks my interest in animals. Be it fishes, cats, dogs, terrapins, even butterflies and grasshoppers. I was most fond of dogs, and it got me interested in wanting to learn about them in depth.

Blinded by to society, it was only recently that I thought that, 'of all animals, why does the dogs seem most aquainted to humans, and could behave in ways that humans would want them to behave so easily'. Even when you compare with cats, it seems like cats still have its distinct cat-ly behaviour despite being domesticated.

So I thought, it must be what humans have done to have cause the dogs to behave in such a manner. Even to think of it, there are probably a smaller population of wild dogs as compared to domesticated dogs existing in the world today. It got me wondering, how is it possible that humans could make the dogs listen and understand them, but yet still have several dog-ly behaviour in them.

For example, we would take the babies away from their mothers as soon as they are ready to be taken away. Then, we would have to raise them just like our own little child. These puppies got to learn how to poo and pee at the right place, otherwise they would get scoldings. Interesting thing, puppies seem to actually know that they are being scolded and would actually learn from it. I could not have imagined how these little ones would be living in the wild if it were not for the humans. Their birth mother would have gotten all her little ones murdered if the puppies behaving like that in the human world, being put in the position of puppies living in the wild.

Cats on the other hand, could not care less about you. You try controlling it, but it would just run away if it decided that you are too bothersome. They only come home to you, and snuggle you for abit, and a little bit of food, and off they go exploring and searching for their own entertainment.

Birds, would probably be the worst to be kept as a pet, ever. You freggin buy the bird, and have it locked up in the cage, JUST FOR YOUR OWN EYES TO SEE! I really can't imagine the bird knowing how to fly when times of emergency arises. Not forgetting other cage kept animals that could possibly be kept as pets to humans; sugar glider, snakes, geckos, iguanas. Why do you need them, really?

I may be speaking on behalf of myself as an animal lover. To an extent that I would prefer performing an operation on humans more than on any kind of given animals.

Today, I decided to do a little YouTube-ing, and I stumbled upon a video that was talking about cuteness. He ended the video with : 'Dogs are man's best friend, because it may be man's best invention.'

MADE MY DAY!
At least I don't have to feel like a complete psycho for having that kind of thoughts literally eating my noggins. :P

It has been a bad week with dark gloomy skies throught the whole of last week. It was finally bright on the outside, the sun shone as though it has never shone like that ever before. Nature reveals its inner beauty that had been overshadowed by those musty clouds. Eleanor opens her dready eyes, and stared into the ceiling filled with glow in the darks stars that has been camouflaged with the intense brightness from the outside. She wondered that something felt slightly different than she used tom but was unsure what it was exactly. She reached under her pillow and grabbed her purple blinged phone, tapping on the screen just to question the time. It was 9 in the morning, much earlier than she would have expected it to be. Knowing her normal self, she would often continue her laziness and dose off in bed until she had enough, or so to say, 'bored' with what she was doing before finally getting off her bed to do things that were more 'useful'.

Somehow, today she felt different. She felt like there were things to be accomplised, things that could be done, things that could change her life. She took her first step by sitting up on her bed. She glanced around her room, looking at ...

She decided that it was a good day to step out and have a breather or two, smelling in the cool, fresh, breezy wind that swept through her soft silky hair. As she stood there, she could hear her veins thump to the beating of her heart. She lets go a heave of sigh, reminiscing of what had happened for the past, wondering, pondering.




and... I lost track of what I was trying to impose in this.

I was about to kill that character. But I figured it started off too nice to be murdered in the end, I didn't know what to do then. HAHAHAHAHA

dangit.

Ultimate, has become something that I look forward to. Preferably just to practise tossing, and not much of the real game. Simply because it felt like I am not ready to face the fierce-ness of the competition yet, also the fact that I would end up contributing as a dead weight to the team. Ultimate has somehow turned into one of my passions, a newly found one. In a way, it has blown my mind from the start, I wanted to know how much more this game would blow my mind further.

The physics of the frisbee disk, had to be mastered. The flick of the wrist, as the key point of this game, getting the disk moving or being passed. The swing of the arm, where is steers the direction to where the disk flies towards. The movement of the body, that determines the strength of the throw. The basics. Forehand and backhand. Then you have other variants of throws; huck, dump, layout are the few common ones that I hear. Anticipation and that nervous feeling when someone aims for a long throw. Would have to say it is the most risky throws to make, it was either make or break at the end zone.

Then comes running. The ungodly amount of running that has to be done throughout this game. It was either offence or defence. Either way, there will be alot of running to do, especially during a turn over. D's are usually praised for being able to prevent the disk from moving forward. The whole point of the game: penetration of defense. Kinda reminds me of tf2, except this was the real deal with real energy being used. It is usually the term 'mark' that is used when we happen to be on the D, whereby we would follow this particular player, preventing them from getting open space to have a chance at the disk. The offence, would have to outsmart the Ds to get the disk moving forward.

Turnover? The roles are reversed. Takes place when the disk touches the ground during passings, if the disk flies out of the field, or the O took more than ten seconds to pass the disk. In my opinion, this has got to be the most tiring point of the game. It is both frustrating for the initial Os, but it's now a chance for the initial Ds to have a go at it. It's like a shift of direction, when the wind blows to the right, and then it just switches and you are going towards the left almost immediately.

Strategies. The one part that I have yet to fully grasp. Backhand force home. Stack. Cup. Zone. As I stand in line about to play, listening to captain telling us his plans, I tried understanding, but my head was more like: what on earth are you gibbering about? I could not fathom this ultimate language that was going on. At least not yet.
Stack is an offence strategy, when you have players stacked in the middle with first cutter, second cutter to the 4th. Plan was that if the first cutter couldnt get the disk, the second cutter would cut out in time to get it. If the first cutter gets it, it is then passed to the third cutter, second to fourth. But of course the defenders would have known, which is why it is ever more difficult than the strategy forsee.

Cup is a defence strategy, where you have three defenders on the player who is throwing the disk. Probably one of the hardest to penetrate, at least as far as I could see..

What does Break mean? There were just so many terms that I have yet to fully understand. Hahahahaha! Horizontal. Ohhh myyy.

Where would I fare as of now? The one who runs around the field trying to understand the game a little more..?
When I should be analysing the opponents and thinking of how to penetrate their strategies. Though it does question me, if both have got strategies to counter each other, then wouldnt it cancel each other out? I mean it is only by chance that one strategy would be better than the other one, and nobody could tell until the point is being scored. Then again, they will set another strategy by the end of that match.. No?

Mind = blown

Last of all, there wouldn't be a team if it wasnt for its members. I have gotten to know an awesome bunch of people, and it amazes me to see the connection and understanding between these people. Even if it was not for this one team, you could still see that spark of passion in each and everyone who plays. It is as though they were their own cheerleaders of their own team.

It just feels different, being exposed to ultimate. As though it had been a whole different world on its own, a secret society or somesort.

I feel blessed to have met each and everyone of them throughout my whole first month of frisbee experience, especially Ei Jean and Cendol / Running Man. Their journey has made me envious of what they had achieved thus far. It made me want to experience similar experiences that they are had.

I may be new, but I have learned enough to have this as a memory that is worth looking back to, and feeling absolutely proud of.

Thank you Ei Jean!
Thank you Cendol / Running Man!

Hwaiting~!! <3

Here is one suicidal habit about me. When something interests me, I will go all out in trying to find the core to it. It works fine, if it applies to education and other useful stuff. But it is normally the social stuff that gets me curious the most, as I find it difficult to understand society.

This bad habit of mine involves me, beating around a bush, knowing there is a secret hidden within its dark and shady appearance. By the norm, it would have looked completely normal, nothing interesting at all, where people would not have a second look at. But I, was stupid enough to actually stop and immediately start scavenging for bits and pieces around it that could give me a clue or two about this one big, fluffy bush right there in my face.

At this point, it feels like I a complete psycho, pondering about what appears to be nothing. It gets me thrilled to have a few ideas and thoughts about what I was frolicking about. I get excited, but nobody actually bothers about what I discovered. Which of course, is completely normal. As I question myself why I do that, I continue finding answers to prove myself wrong.

The problem heightens as I accidentally found a loop hole, and I fall into this 'magical unknown kingdom'. As I fall, I find myself being bombarded with extensive information that I had been beating about all these while. It made me thought: why on earth did I get so overly curious about this in the first place. It somewhat feels like I have hit the jackpot, somewhat like I made it through and got what I wanted. But it was somehow, too overwhelming.

Its as though you have seen something, and there is no way you could possibly un-see something.

What happens when I manage to break through? I, stop functioning almost immediately.

It's almost like a truce, where you  choose to understand what exactly is happening, or you choose to leave with millions of questions in your head unanswered. Either way, it is impossible that you could talk about this to the rest of the world, cause you started off as the maniac, searching for apparently nothing. What makes you think they would believe what you say?

I am not a perfect person, but I would want to read all my flaws and be a better person. But who should I ask, to know what I am doing wrong, or what I am doing right?

Trial and error, they say.
But with every one success you get, you have millions of flaws behind your back. What is the point?

:/

I speak, through my blog.

It literally speaks of everything I could ever possibly think of as compared to when I talk. It doesn't feel like I am burdening anyone by posting my thoughts on my blog, as it is not a pressure to say: YOU MUST READ ME.

Though I really get fascinated when someone does ask me about my life, based on my blog. Faith in humanity, restored?

Meh.

Maybe the reason why I chose to study zoology after all. Eventhough we all know that passion is the main reason that steers us towards success in the future. The way I look at my future, doesnt seem as bright as how parents would see it (society too). It somehow seems like a no-brainer kind of field to choose from, or some could say 'silly'.

Obviously parents would be worried if your future job wouldn't be able to provide you a good income. I believe that they secretly wants you to have that money to take care of them once they are older. Also, I guess their experiences gives them that parent-ly instinct in hopes for a secure future for your future family. Somehow, it outweighs that push to enhance the child's passion. Asians, why?

Anyway, this was somehow that one thing I managed to push through despite all the negative impressions I got as a result of answering the question: 'so.. You wanna work in the zoo?' How is it possible that I could have this question fresh in my head every single time I mention the word ZOOlogy. It feels like I have to explain from where the animals originates from and the importance to them being around before we humans came to life, and still living til this very day.

Then to think about how ignorant majority of the people are, I just give up immediately and say: 'it isn't necessary, I could work in the wild and do some research there'. Then of course, the conversation dies there. Thus the intriguing feeling when someone actually asked more beyond that question. A sigh of relief to my soul when that happens, non-ignorant people towards animals still exists! <3

Also on the norm, people would respond: 'oh! Interesting'.

Word.

Then to think again, they may be thinking of how suicidal I am by doing this, or how rich my family is for allowing me to do this.

I haven't even started my core major yet, but I know I have this passion for animals. Starting next semester, I am pretty much full on with my biology combo. Though I have to admit, I despise plants. It feels like they are there to block the beauty of the animal kingdom, cause without plants, there wouldn't be any life forms. Somehow feels like they ate God, all of a sudden. LOL.

I guess it is just that self satisfaction in trying to find answers to prove that my thoughts about animals are true. For instance, maybe after every new discovery that is new to my system would make me go, 'HA! IN YOUR FACE, SOCIETY!' That, will be insane. But my aim is to find the reason to change the society's mindset about animals. It doesn't feel fair at all, whenever I see the interaction between humans and animals.

Just recently I had a thought of how Dogs, became man's best friend. I was pondering upon the logic of humans taking in dogs as puppies, and complains ay every thing it does that doesnt please us. I could not fathom. Then I starting wondering, what it would be like if it was out in the wild, brought up naturally by its own parents. Ironically, dogs were my first encounter with animals in my life, and they were the reason to why I love animals to a level whereby I wanted to study them. Now I am questioning if I would ever want to have a pet, ever again. :X

Even if I don't get to change the society, by finding bits and pieces if evidence, here and there.. I guess I could die in peace, then?

Besides, I really can't imagine what other fields I could venture in. I've got no brains for medicine or engineering, I've got no logic in any of the business field nor arts field. The only thing left were dancing and singing (even this, I suck at.. ).

There is never one thing that is not difficult. You just need to begin from somewhere, and then push through. Barging through, isn't the way out either. Pushing in a way where you stay mentally strong and physically healthy through it all.

Loves!

Today, would be the first time I am taking public transport from my sister's all the way to uni. Giving myself an estimation of 2 hours of travel time, we shall see what happens. At the mean time, I shall use my time to do some writing. :D

It used to be me being all nerdy, reading novels whenever I could. I know that nerdy part of me hasn't left me, as I have several books in my drawer, hoping that I will have a chance to read it somehow. But when I think of the list of things to do, I would always feel slightly sad, as I would have to let it go. Would have to say that some sacrifices had to be made, in way for other much more important stuff to do; like studying and socialising much more. Same thing with gaming, if you would ask me. It is something that I would love to do, that I would keep it for the very last after I am done with all the other mundane things I have to do.

Not seeing the point of enjoying myself when there still is a huge chunk of responsibility of deal with. You could say, that I am still in my first year, it shouldnt be as bad. Honestly, I will never know until I am given the chance to actually experience it for my own, right? As of now, what I look at, is the toughest as it could get. Yes, I am aware that it gets much more difficult from here on. But I am going to have to take that slowly. *consequently, I will be very slow in improving, actually. Mehhh. Screw that.

Right now, I could see a significant change in me when I compare this semester to the one before. Both good and bad. When I got back from my first winter break, I told myself that I will not allow myself to be the same as I was back in the first sem. Simple reason was because my depression was written all over my face, blog and almost everything I could get my hands on. It is possible that I was holding on to my past a little too much, and I found it incredibly difficult to let go. My main goal this semester was to let lose (and loose), and indulge whatever that is brought up to my plate. Literally. Also to meet up with whoever who is willing to meet up with me, and forget those people who give no crap about contacting me.

Mean. It's nice being mean once in a while, especially when the person deserves it. But how could you tell whether he or she deserves it or not?

Besides, I definitely cry and complain less about things now. I just couldnt bother anymore. I was too busy getting myself busy. Heh! I even gotten too lazy to cook my own meals, p meals every now and then because I couldnt be bothered. It's bad, I know. But.. sometimes, I just couldnt help it.

This semester, I have been travelling more than ever. I started this semester off with a ski camp up at fall's creek, with Malaysians from other universities. Had my chance to mingle about, and also my first ever experience of real snow! :F Then my sister who lives further away than she used to. It only made sense if I spent my weekend at her place instead of one dinner-trip. Also, a field trip to Rawson for my geography unit. I got to understand Australian culture a little more than I normally would be exposed to ( still yet to have an Australian friend, though :X ).

Then came ultimate frisbee. I made an effort to meet up with my high school senior, just for the sake of it. Thank god for that effort, otherwise I would have no idea on which emo planet I would be levitating about today. Story cut short, I got to meet these awesome bunch of people who calls themself, Running Man or from their initial name, Cendol. Also not to forget that I got exposed to the game of Ultimate. Still mind blowing, still mind blowing.

Last semester, MUMSU literally saved my soul. They held activities that gave me a platform to mingle around with fellow Malaysians studying in Clayton. Now? I am one of the committee. A sponsorship officer, they say. Got me a little whacked out, as I grew to know that clubs and societies in university level is beyond the limits of high school. But it's a good exposure, still. I mean, if I don't get that chance to learn this now, when will I ever?

It feels a little overwhelming with so much going on within the past 1 and a half month. In about 18 days from today, I will be on my flight home again. But it will be a very short trip, cause my exam happens to be 'dropping by' at the end of this month. I haven't been nerding as much as I used to. Which can be pretty worrying.

The one subject that I am most concern of, would be Chemistry. I remember very well that when I first started this semester for this unit, I was clueless. There were just too many calculations, that it just made me panic even more. I am alright with both my biology units (except the part where it involves plants). Then my geography unit was pretty closely related to one of my bio unit. Seems alright, really. Just really worried for my chemistry. Its the first paper too. 29th of October, I will soooooooooo dread that day. :(

Oh, and I have decided to continue with playing Ultimate. It feels like there is still so much more to learn about this game. :F

Also partially hoping I still get the chance cheer again, in some way, some how. :/

Midway point! On the train to Huntingdale. 45 mins bus ride from my sis' to Melbourne Central, then.. ?

Octoberrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

September had been massive. To think back to the first day that I have set my foot here in Melbourne, it still feels surreal that things are changing that rapidly. At least for myself. Still partially wishing I could watch me run my life through a third person view. Thinking so, just makes me feel as though it is insanely awesome to do so. Somewhat like playing god. nehehehehehe. Though, doesn't it make you feel like you have no responsible for that being that you are watching from a third person view? Somehow, doesn't it cut down that burden for a tad bit? Or am I just being mad? :O

Let's try incorporating this into a FPS gamer view. First Player Shooter, the way I prefer my games to be played. In a way, you know you can control whatever your character is doing. Would have to say, it greatly reflects on what you do in real life. You press on W, you walk forward, you press D, you swerve to the right for a little. But in reality, you have so much more movement as compared to that. These games are limited, but depending on how you could toggle your mind in controlling your character, basically describes you.. almost accurately. My favourite character of TF2, would be the pyro. Given a fire blaster, I could pretty much run up to my enemy's face and burn the crap out of them. I remember my friend telling me: you somehow manage to get in the midst of all those people and somehow run out of it, perfectly fine. I like that sentence, probably not the exact words being said, but it did make me ponder a little bit on what I do both INgame and OFFgame.

It probably isn't a good idea to link video games to reality. But screw that, this is my blog, I wish to do what I wish. :D

How I see problems, I somehow omit the reality to what negative impacts it would bring upon me. Because of that, I usually ram into problems without thinking twice, and thought I would just deal with it when I am in it. From time to time, this would cause me to be stuck in it for quite some time. Would have to say, because I was pretty much unprepared for what was coming my way (like I said, I couldn't be bothered). The problem is that once I am in it, I would normally be thrown into exponentials of different directions, whereby I would be driven to the verge of giving up. But because I know if I give up, I will pretty much die there in the middle of it. Nope. Not the best place to die, at all. Why not just finish it up, and leave victorious, right?

Though the side effect to that is that, I may not completely solve the problem to a 100%. Problems in my case, are normally accomplished about 80% on an average, and I will be satisfied, then I am off. If by luck, I get a 100% on the effort, I will be ecstatic! Plus with the fact that my effort is almost never 100%, I would never put in high hopes either.

I aim to get the highest number of kills, every time I play TF2. Pyro fits perfectly with me, I would just run into my enemies, and blow torch the crap out of them and escape, hoping I had burned them enough to achieve my aim. It feels satisfying, really. Second favourite character, would be the sniper. On days when I feel like I have extra patience, this is the character for me! It tells a different story altogether too!

I really feel like I could describe each and every characters of TF2. Too much gaming moments going on for the past whole week. Please forgive me, I had been kills-deprived for quite some time now. :O

NAAAAHHHHH.

What if it's RPG? Role Playing Games, are what  I would call, playing God. Yes, you control whatever that character of yours do, but it still partially feels like there is only that much you can do to it. It will eventually do it's own things if you leave it idle. Games like Diablo3 and the Assassin's Creed series, allows you to have a view from the top down, giving you much more view as compared to what you see in FPS. I also sometimes find that RPG are alittle too true to be real. Why would the character have so much of loot space that you can practically LOOT so much, and run around like normal? At least FPS gives you limited loot, it feels much more... surreal?

Games like RPG, makes me feel better about myself, sometimes. It really does give me that feeling that I am watching myself playing God on myself. If that is possible, in any way. :P It feels like there is less responsiblitity held within, and you are free to watch yourself and tell yourself how to improve or where you are going wrong. Playing God, really.

Oh holy guardian angel of mine. Do you even exist? :O

"Then this little white fluffy thing gains eye contact with you, thinking it has your attention, it starts prancing towards your direction. There was pretty much nothing that could stop it as it gains momentum. All that is left to do is nothing but to sit there, and be mentally prepared for the impact that could come alongside with the enthusiasm this little thing has."

I was describing how Mika would have attacked me, whenever she seems me around the house, wanting to have a little play with me. :)

Thinking that I have no idea how to start talking about this, I decided to go all random (as usual). Totally out of topic, but still relevant at the same time. Thank goodness I am DONE with my essay assignments. What is left, is the final pieces of examination that stands between me and my first ever Summer holiday here in Melbourne.

I absolutely hate when that one particular item could mean so much to one person, when it is also most definitely insignificant to the rest of the world (unless of course, you share the same 'memory' behind that particular item). Been meaning to talk about it, but I could not comprehend the fact that this inanimate object is causing so much stir in my noggins. Much like a whirlpool of stir that it gets me jumbled up for words whenever I try describing it. Even now, I am trying to find the best way I can say this without being completely self-absorbed in it.

There is pretty much nowhere I could run, at least not anymore. How much this one thing has brought significant change in my life. That one medal, that one photo, and the crap load of thoughts I have regarding this (still not getting to the point, dang it).

Third placing for Ultimate Frisbee, Asean Games Australia 2012.

I have always been the sports person in school. Probably in a way, I may be boasting about it. But this was pretty much the only thing I can boast about, ever. Getting medals for almost every sports event I participated in school, those light weighted FAKE medals, didn't really mean much as compared to what I have today. Simply because back in schooling days, there weren't many people who were interested in sports, and I knew that I was only good enough for school standard, nothing when it comes to competing outside of it. Never would I have thought I could actually have the chance to grab hold of a medal once again. In a way, this one medal has brought back significant memories of how I used to be 'active at sports'.

I don't know how big of a deal AGA was, but it is the reason that I got introduced to an awesome bunch of frisbee players. Not only that, those training and outings with them got me knowing what the game of frisbee really is. To me, they seemed to be taking this game seriously, and that they were good at it. Until I got exposed to watching people from other universities play, then I knew even more than I ever knew about frisbee. Would have to say, because of the fact that I had initially underestimated this game, with now having so much exposure to this, I am officially addicted. Even if I don't get to play it professionally, but I have definitely gained a profound respect to all the frisbee players out there. Reminds me of cheer, really. The spirit is.. (insert dumbfound-simile here). Doubt I could get this part of my memories erased, ever. It felt like some flash-bang and it just blinded me almost immediately, that one long beep sound that comes right after, is still ongoing.

It really feels like I have so much more to share about what I know about this game. Though at the same time, it feels like I still don't know enough to talk about it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Plus the fact that I knew nothing about this game, I was pretty much the one with the least experience. A medal with that much knowledge, somehow didn't feel rather appropriate. As the dead weight, I just did whatever I could to contribute with the littlest I could. Because it was a live match, I pretty much had to force myself to learn more than I would normally have. "Mind over matter", was the one phrase that I kept repeating in my head whenever I felt like I could've contributed more, or whenever I felt like giving up. Fact that I only had 2 hours of sleep the night before, added that self pressure onto myself to push myself even more. It got a little overboard at one point, where I accidentally rammed into someone, and caused her to have a bruise in her head. :/

In all honesty, it still felt like a miracle that I actually gotten a medal for what had happened throughout a time of only less than 2 weeks. Still surprised that I even managed to push through the whole ordeal with only 2 hours of sleep, and an injured toe, and tired leg muscles. So yes, this one medal has caused a tidal wave through my thoughts and also given me a bunch of new friends and a terrible sunburn on my face. :D

Ultimate frisbee has literally blown my mind.
And I have no one else to thank, but you.
yeap! YOU! :D

<3

How feminine do I look, to how feminine I feel, doesn't feel like it matches up well at all. I would prefer to say that I am a tomboy sometimes, but at the same time, I want to feel feminine too. At one point of time, I actually questioned my own gender (at least this was when I was still a kid HAHAHA).

To be feminine, there are tonnes of self grooming to do. Probably less work to do when the guys need to dress up for something, but I am pretty sure guys and girls are spending almost the same amount when it comes to self grooming (which includes clothes and shoes and facial care products). I sometimes wish I had perfect skin without needing to care of it at all. I seriously wish so. Every female people who sees me would ask me: what do you do to your skin? Don't you take good care of it? Honestly, it felt like an embarrassement whenever they ask me so. Worst still, when I have a guy friend with perfect skin, while mine is like some thrashed up skin.

It is so bothersome. I could not comprehand worrying about my face all the time, when I have other important stuff to do like: cramming my brains with knowledge and making sure I have food to eat. Maybe you could say that it is an excuse for me to NOT give a bother about my own skincare. But at the same time, I don't get what is the whole fuss about.

The only bitch part is when I know I am supposed to be a female, taking care of myself and all, I literally FAIL.

The only girly part about me is, my dressing.

Correction, it is not even true. HAHAHAHAH. No doubt about it, I love dresses, shorts, and for sure, SHOPPING. I could not stand staring at a pretty dress, that costs so much, dreaming of wearing it. Problem is, would the money be worth purchasing that piece of wardrobe? When will I ever be able to wear that pretty dress? Those artists got me thinking, WHOAAAA! I WANNA DRESS UP AND BE PRETTY AS THEM TOO. Fact is, they get sponsored to wear that, while we have to slave to be pretty, just for that one time.

Don't even get me started on cosmetics. Those cosmetic ranges.. Maybelline, Loreal, Silkygirl? OMG.. Then you have concealer, powder, eyeliner, mascara, eyeshadow.. It literally is never ending. Girls pretty much spend their whole hour in the early morning of the days just getting themselves pretty. As for me? I couldn't be bothered at all. Honestly, this is an embarrassment to me as a GIRL. Seeing others putting up heavy make up for uni everyday, it ticks me off, honestly. I don't get how they could wake up in time to get those much stuff onto their face. I definitely couldn't. I prioritise sleep more than anything.

Hair? I could even not give a crap about this too, if its not the only thing fashionable that I can keep. I do drastic changes to my hair whenever I can. From the short bob hairdo, to thick bangs, and now, I finally have it straightened and highlighted. *secretly hoping to dye my hair purple someday*. Proper haircare? Shampoo everyday, conditioner it, then blow dry right after. Special treatment, would probably be rebonding and someother treatment that my mother always asks me to do.

WHY DO WE NEED TO SPEND SO MUCH MONEY ON GROOMING OURSELVES?!

Other than that, I have to admit, I fail to be a woman.

Going to events, you know you need to dress up and put on make up and shit. I, can't do them. My sister even paid for me to go for a make up class, of which I completely forgotten everything that I learned from. So, recently we had a Malaysian Ball. I had no clue what I was supposed to wear, and I had no ownage of any form of party heels, at all, and the worst of all, I screwed up my make up. *\^^/*

It should be an embarrassment, but I couldn't give any crap about it. But because it was compulsory, I had to do it. I definitely need a personal make up artist. :( aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Where on earth has my feminity vanished to?!

So I guess, I can't say that I am a woman, even, right?

SO IMMA BE A KID FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!

.. pewpewpew.

So... I went clubbing again on Friday night.

My second time in Melbourne, the third time in my life. Still not digging the clubbing scene. It felt a little like a sold-out concert with people practically in each other's faces, trying to find space and dance. Also, the loud music is pretty much deafening, especially when you stand below a speaker.

I still don't get the joy of clubbing. I somehow hope I could, so I could enjoy it with my friends who enjoys them. I mean, how could you enjoy something, when you don't enjoy it, when your friends are totally digging it. Somewhat like a party pooper, if you ask me.

Despite how much I love dancing, but it feels like I have no idea what I am doing when I am there in a club. The music has awesome beats, but dancing with heels is.. rather clumsy. Thanks to my big foot, and hopping girls in heels, I got nicely stomped on, a few times. Definitely horrifying when my toe is actually injured. Goodness knows how terrified I was when some crazy girl was dancing in a completely-out-of-her-mind state. Especially when I need to salvage my feet for miles of running the next day. :/

The club, was MAZE. One of the two clubs that were given to us as options to have our 'afterparty' after the Grand Malaysian Ball. Pretty sure majority of us went to Maze (Kuddos to the committee for the great event at Langham Hotel and the arrangement of everything). Maybe because it was free entrance for all who went to the ball, it seriously felt like another malaysian invasion moment. Everywhere I turn, I see Asian faces. According to my friend, Fridays were usually the Asian Night. Still not wishing to know what norms clubbing has. Noppee.

Though I like the fact that they had a few korean songs playing now and then. Too bad I am clumsy with heels and there was seriously limited place to dance like how I normally dance in my room, couldn't show off that I knew the choreo to them. HAHAHAHAHHA #win. And 'Gangnam Style' is definitely gotten overrated. It is being played almost everywhere now. That night itself, they had it on three times (Aren't you guys bored of the song and dance?).

OOOOHHH! And it was the first time that I saw police people in the club. One policeman and policewoman. Not too sure what they were doing there though. Can someone explain to me why does clubbing costs so much? Entrance fees, is not cheap at all (if I am not mistaken, much more expensive for males?). Then you have to pay to put your coats somewhere safe. Alcohols are expensive too. I am wondering how much money they could earn within one night. Seems like a good place to earn a living, even if it's just a part time job. The bartender seems easy, just pouring concoctions of alcohols, collecting money and watch people getting drunk. Considering that people will get thirsty, the bar will be constantly filled with people. Then not to forget the people who go clubs to get wasted, and have alcohol of almost any kind (wine is too classy for this, champagne is too 'kiddo' for this, do they have beer? hrmmmm).

I have yet to get a good experience with clubbing.
It got me thinking of all the clubbing songs the next morning, though. Made me feel like dancing even while I am walking. Even right now, it feels like I should start attending dance classes, cause I felt so lost when I am 'dancing' in a club (cause everyone is just hopping, and putting their hands in the air, waving like they just don't care, and a whole lot of body 'popping' and 'waves').

Still wishing I get to see some awesome dancers appearing out of nowhere, causing a scene on the dance floor, just like how the American dancing movies depict them.

OMG. I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVEN'T WATCH THE LATEST 'STEP UP' INSTALLATION!!!

Well. This new blogger layout is a pain in the bum. I only come here for the number of view I have, before switching it back to the older layout cause it was easier for me to navigate and type comfortably. No choice given now, I have to learn how to accept this new layout. *cringe*

For that first post with this, would definitely annoy me even more if the blogpost doesn't turn out like as I like it. JUST LIKE ASSIGNMENTS. You can never be too sure. NEVER. (I may be cursing on an off in this one, this thing has mentally drained me. FORGIVE MEEEEEEEEE)

Bloody hell.
What on Earth are assignments for? Do we actually learn from all this mental stress we have to go through, just to get it over and done with, perfectly? It feels like a threat from the education institution somehow. As though the syllabus wasn't difficult enough, they had to add our burden with assignments. Again, I question its function.

All I know is that assignments come in a few phases. It could drive you crazy, if you are not careful. Unless of course, you completely don't give a damn about it, it is a completely different case for you. But since you know it is 'weighted', you literally feel like there is no way out of this misery.

First, you are given the task. With no obvious clues attached, whatsoever. It literally does feel like you are being kidnapped and thrown into an unknown place, with only ONE SINGLE CLUE. Of course, you want to live, you try to figure it out, and work out HOW TO GET OUT OF IT ALIVE. If you are lucky, you have a very smart buddy who immediately grasps the idea of the assignment, and you could poke out a few clues out of him or her. In some super lucky cases, lecturers actually give you crap loads of clues (but of course, you have to be super duper lucky).

Then, you have to start researching on it. With the caution that, you should not use Wikipedia in anyway. Ironically, it is the only place we all turn to for a round-off idea of what we are supposed to do. For someone as DUMB as I am, Wikipedia is like my GOD. I mean, why would you want to go around the island when you could go through the island just to get to the other end, especially when you know NOTHING AT ALL. Somewhat taking the leap of faith, scavenging through the jungle and see if I could survive that or now. But of course, because we were told not to use wikipedia, we will eventually end up at the beach, taking the safer route to where we are supposed to go. Also, you have 50-50 percent chances in actually nailing it, or getting totally off course. :/

Third, execution. Literally. The most dreading part of it all. You have to start carrying out your plans and everything that you have researched for. As you go through this, you will start doubting what you initially found. Like I said, DUMB people like me will have the most difficult time in this. As I write my essay, I start to find that my research was not significant enough, and I ended up detouring, going back to the research phase. Most of the time, I start slacking. Simply because it takes forever to search for the things you need (or at least you think so).

Lastly, be the grammar nazi. On your own work. Not to forget to be all Kim Jong-Il with your work too. You have to make go through whatever you have done, wondering if the 'marker' would like it or not. Even if you convince yourself that you are doing it right, when you get your marks returned, you will most likely have your head blown off.

Not to forget the nonsense emotions these thing brings along. You have to constantly think of the due date. Being an AVERAGE student, I would normally slack it off for the first 60% of the time from it is give til the dateline. The last 40% of the time would be spent trying to get it done on time, and also properly. I would have to agree if you say that it is dumb to do so, but who wouldn't do it when you know it is going to eat up most of your time?

Assignments have never been easy to deal with. It always felt like an extra burden. :/ It pushes EVERYTHING back, because it eats up that much of our time. Yes, it may come along with appropriate time frame for research and everything. But I have never once seen anyone commenting happily and joyfully about the fact that they have assignments to do. Normally the celebration comes right after it is over and done with. This, is normally celebrated with a deep, long dose of sleep. The most rewarding thing ever.

I have just finished 3 essays within one month. 1k for environmental biology, 1k for biology, and 2k for my geography unit. The referencing is a pain in the bum (much like this layout I am trying to get used to. dang it!). Can't imagine what year 2 and year 3 would be like if I am already taking this terribly. :/

Spring break, next week. I have to use that to catch up with all my lectures and studies. Also been lacking of sleep for a few nights now, and I haven't been having proper meals either. Dear body, I am sorry for all this torture. I shall blame myself for the bad management of time.

But seriously, can somebody please enlighten me about the purposes of assignments?!

DAMNIT.

Never underestimate the first assumption of things. If one looks deep enough, there is more than that one reason hidden beneath that one assumption you make.

Which chokes me up, literally eating me inside out. ALL THE TIME.

I wonder why is it that I could never learn not to have that first assumption, rather than to listen to whatever information I am given, before deciding the final verdict. Then again, with a hidden LEGEND behind every little thing, how is it possible not to make the first assumption?

The first assumption is that hurdle, where we stop and make a decision if we would want to learn more about that legend behind that icing of it.

For example, Cheerleading.
What would your first assumption be?

+ girls dancing around with short skirts
+ pom poms

But if you asked a cheerleader, by the utter of the word Cheerleading, it rings us a whole different picture than those who knows little about this sport.

+ tossing people
+ extreme tumblings

By the looks of it, it already seems like a whole different thing altogether. Maybe a little more appreciation of what it truly is.

But we can never run away from that first impression thing we have, do we?
It is like looking at a piece of cake, it looks nice, and we wanna buy it, and have a taste of how it really tastes like. If it's good, we go back for more, if it isn't, we just stop buying it. It could probably save many lives too. Who knows if this legend behind it could actually bring harm to whoever who is about to know about it. Who knows...

Anyhoo, I got myself into playing Frisbee. All I thought was : a simple play at the beach, throwing discs at each other. I WAS SO WRONG. It is one whole competitive sport altogether. The fact that I took it lightly, the fact that it is actually a real sport, scares me. Maybe it is my mistake for taking EVERYTHING lightly, and it feels like I can't do anything at all. Still, it does actually involves a whole lot of running and strategies. It reminds me a lot like netball, just that the accuracy, is highly dependent on how one throws the frisbee.

They call it Ultimate Frisbee.

It is ultimate, really. I remember a friend told me about it being a sport, but I never took it seriously. A friend of mine almost dragged me into a frisbee club in Sunway University, again, I took it lightly. Now, my friend asked me to join. I figured I haven't been exercising and doing much socialising, I figured, 'frisbee shouldn't be that bad, for a person who hasn't played at all'.

WRONG.

Dangit, they were all playing like pros, it scared the crap out of me. I did not only join to play as a joy, I actually joined to compete. Still wondering if it's a big mistake I made there, cause I definitely feel like a dead weight if I were to play with/for them.

To look at the positive side, I finally understood the game of Frisbee. Would have to say, I respect them who plays Frisbee professionally now. Throwing the disk with pressure and people blocking you, is not easy. Not to forget the amount of running you need to do throughout the whole game. Much like futsal, except, everyone in the team actually has to run all over the field. I wouldn't want to know how big the field is, otherwise I would make a huge fuss about it. For a person who hasn't excersised for like ever, running around for about 2 to 3 hours is pretty impressive (at least for myself, the one person who has extremely low stamina...)

I FINALLY PHYSICALLY EXERCISED!!!
aside from dancing in my room, that is.
I actually miss running.

Nineteen years ago on this date, marks the birth of a friend. A friend who I would consider as a friend who I sincerely feel thankful for having in my life. A friend who has been the injection of sanity into my system. A friend who isn't afraid of what the public thinks of. A friend who used to own JIMMEYH.

How is that dear kancil of yours, eyh?

I would have never imagined how I could have survived AusMat if you had not existed. 2011, was the year that we met, the year that I finally had my go at FPS games on my own. How will I ever forget that? You even sneakily recorded me while I was gaming. Good thing I wasn't screaming unnecessarily, then. Those dogs, I tell you. HOW COULD PEOPLE BUILD GAMES TO KILL DOGS THAT ATTACKS HUMANS?! damnit.

We had several classes together, at least for the first week of AusMat. The moment I saw you in my 2nd class, I knew I had to be friends with you. CAUSE YOU WERE THE FOREIGNER, and I felt like I should be friends with you. HAHAHAHHAHAHAH. Good choice made there, right? heheheh Then of course, you forgotten me. Good thing we still had one class together after you disappeared for your English and ditched ELD.

Chemistry was the best, right? You have got to agree with me that it was the BEST class you had amongst the other 4 subjects you had. :P With Yee Ping, Nicole and yours sincerely making ridiculous noises and lame jokes constantly. Also that high pitched thing we always do; MISSSSSS MUNNNNNAAAAAAAAA~ Oh how I wish Sam was as noisy as us, it would have been so much more fun. Keefe joined our little gang once in a while, especially during Chem lab. All those silly chemical reactions that we made up by ourselves. Pretty sure we had some fire at some point. Good thing there wasn't any explosions. OTHER WISE WE'D BE SO SCREWED!

What else?

Thanks to both you and Jieyang, I actually got myself blogging again. You have never failed to be that sole pillar that supports me in the things I do. Even with all those massive beatings and tortures a non-living pillar could actually get, you still stood tall.

HEY! REMEMBER THAT Codex Seraphinianus thingy? I still have no idea why it got me laughing like a mad woman, then. Good memories though. It got people worried about me too. HAHAHAHAHA. IT WAS A GOOD LAUGH, I TELL YOU!!!!!

I can't thank you enough for being a part of my life! You are still that pillar standing tall, you make me so guilty for that!

There are so much more I could blab about you. One blogpost would definitely NEVER SUFFICE.

Take good care of yourself over there in Holland, my dear friend.
If you meet my doppleganger... I shall think about this part later if it really does happen. :P

Then again, thank you. THANK YOUUUUUU! THANKKKKKKKK YOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU! for being alive still.

and also for everything.

I wish I could celebrate your birthday for you, but YOU GOT UNLUCKY FOR BEING THERE IN HOLLAND. NGEHEHEHEHEHEH :P

Happy Birthday, Sadoon! <3