2013

was a blast. It was the year where I got to explore adulthood in the most 'self-realisation' way. I also believe that my English has deteriorated beyond repair. HAHAHAHA. That aside, I shall have a little blog post for myself to reflect on what had happened throughout this year that I can remember and could be memorable. :)

- I started to blog again
(Though occasionally I slack out more often than I should, thinking my petty life wasn't worth rambling on)
- I got an MVP award for Ultimate Frisbee
(Though really, it was only one game out of the entire year that I have been active. Til someone came up to me and said there were more than just a couple of times that I had been noted as MVP for the game and it wasn't just that one time. I really could not be any happier)
- Travelling with my housemates
(How awesome was that? I thought it was really amazing. Part of me feels like I found home, part of me feels like I have found friends whom we can remember for a very very long time. I love my housemates and being able to travel with them is just another step more amazing than it already is! We travelled to Brisbane and to Gold Coast, then recently a trip down to Lorne. So much love!)
- Using my brains with interactive games instead of plain video games
(I was lucky to have someone who knew someone who had a house full of board games as well as card games. Each time I go over, I have never ending options of games to pick and play from. Somehow, I managed to bring this frenzy into my own home as my housemates and I began to buy and collect games too, but mainly card games; board games were wayyyy tooo EXPENSIVE. But it brought us some bonding time between us housemates HEHE)
- Flying to Brisbane for the weekend for a team tournament
(LOL #YOLO We went there only wanting to beat our seeding, which we did. HAHA So much fun! I even stole the team's game disc and it's now sitting in my cupboard staring back at me..)
- Driving in Australia
(That trip to Brisbane&GoldCoast with my housemates. Twas' a nice time driving. Made me itch to get a car to drive around here)
- Get a summon in Australia
(Well, this made me NOT want to get a car afterwards. I wonder if this will stop me from applying for a TR/PR here.. gg)
- I cooked Lasagna
(With the help of my housemate and my bestie who came over for a visit. Also cooked alot more than the previous year. OH much proud of meself. :D)
- Had a friend visiting me from home
(NICOLE LEE.. I swear I thought you only came for the competition. But what the heck, you presence made me want to cry when I was sending you off at the airport. hehe but you cried instead of me. Love you lots <3)
- I shopped less for myself
(But I spent more on other people. I like giving)
- Amazing second year Zoology lab
(Seriously, I love it so much! It's like a museum on its own! Gahhhhhhhhhhh)
- Took a subject that had nothing to do with my major
(YOLO much? I took a first year Music with almost zero music background.. Needless to say, I didn't do too well but thank goodness I passed. The environment was nice though, really small class. The lecturer is genuinely wanting to help hehe)
- Took up more responsibilities than I could handle myself
(I really thought pushing myself to the limit would make me stretch out a little and eventually adapting to it. What a silly 20 year old I am..)
- Have more prominent food cravings
(From bubbletea to macarons to cakes and to creme caramel.. they are all desserts and they attack whenever they like! I can barely control them.. :X)
- Online shopping
(For a whole lot of nonsense. lol. But it's SO MUCH FUNNNNNN)
- Paid for a game on Facebook.
(Guilty as charged)
- Watched Legally Blonde!
(Oh Mai Gad, omaigad yu guise!)
- Made more friends!
(HOOREI buddies!! Though seriously you have to believe me, I find it a miracle that I have made friends especially when I had such a rough first year here. Like, THANK GOD!)
- Lost some friends
(I really don't have much to say, it really is my fault sometimes.. I'm sorry..)

Also, this year I learned that being blind is fine sometimes. Though it really does kill me on the inside when other do that to me. But I learned that it is actually fine to be oblivious sometimes. It allows me to worry less and I didn't have to dwell too much on that matter either. Otherwise I would end up over-thinking, and be extremely upset afterwards. :/

What else?

I dunno lol.

Though I still believe that spending money on good food is absolutely fine.

What is 2014 going to be like?
I'll be turning 21, hoping to embrace myself as who I am before I have to be a legit adult. But it really does sound like I'll be having a fun year. O wait, but everyone my age is turning 21 too. Aiyakk.. Sorry I can't be there for your big day! T.T But I love you lots. I really do. I just don't say it. Unless I really despise you, it really shows.. Hrmm.. But it's okay, even if I hate you, it doesn't matter because you are probably in your own little world anyways. Which is nice. My little world disappeared. Everything is a reality now. When I look at kids, I wish they would never grow up to learning how cruel reality really is. Though it's nice to watch their innocence while they are still a kid, it brings back fond memories of 'ahh, I remember how it used to be like being a kid'. But that would be a lie. Surely you can't remember what it was like being a kid, but you would want to believe that you remember what it felt like being a kid. Because you know things weren't as complicated as it is today. Sad. Sad. Ah...

I used to think that boys will only be interested in girls if they looked good. I thought I would end up being a loner for the rest on my life as I know my looks weren't anywhere near comparable with those pretty girls that the boys were interested in. Along the years as I grew older, I discovered that not all men think the same. I feel blessed to have met a few, who sees through beauty and embraces a woman's inner self. I truly feel that these men to find the right woman for them, so they can be loved for who they are as to who they appear to be.

Believing that someone is a better person than they ever thought would be, is a magical power that makes him or her have that intuition in wanting to be a better person. It doesn't need to be that special someone to do the magic, one just needs to believe it and show support to the other person when necessary. A friend, or a complete stranger, it works just the same. You will never know how your little words of encouragement could mean to the other person.

Though really, I just woke up and the first thing I did today was explore the world of Instagram. Still a daydreamer, I stalked beauty pageants and Victoria Secret's models. I really can't help it. Hahahahaha! Somehow it then occured to me that majority of the men, whom I will dub as BOYS still are attracted to girls who are pretty. Like honestly, how is it difficult for you to know the differences between hell and sincere happiness when in a relationship? I tend to be a little overprotective over my guy friends who had to go through breakups. I mean, they are sort of my bros, how can I possibly not feel pissed if they are upset for some reason? I even get the privilege of listening and understanding how the different the two genders "function" in a relationship. Most of the time I would end up betraying my own gender and be like, "THAT BITCH! Seriously, why did you even go after her in the first place? You're totally off better without her." But most of the times, its the guys who are suffering more than the girls.

Maybe I hang out too often with guys that I could technically feel their pain. But I saw the pain in a different point of view, I was the girl perspective but within the guy's mind. When guys fall in love, they have no clue what they are falling into. They would give their girls everything just to keep them happy, thinking this would make her stay. As long as she is around, he is happy.

Though really, I think that's a very BOY-characteristic. But wait, what about the girl? She will be extremely cautious with and choose carefully of who they want to be with. They make huge ass fusses when she doesn't get things her way. What worries her is that he wouldn't be interested in her anymore. Often a times, the girls are the ones with security issues (hence worrying about him losing interest). Honestly, this isn't everyone that I am talking about, this is merely a general description of whatever that comes off the top of my head.

A guy's mind is simple. If they have a problem, it stays in their head forever until he gets to solve it. This is the part where he would appear distant. What the girl would think is that he doesn't love her anymore.

He spends his time playing video games for hours (or doing his own stuff for hours). Girl would be like "You don't spend time with me anymore!"

There isn't anything that can work to make the other gender change to suit the other gender better. It is how the two understand the differences between the genders and make an in between agreement. I mean, there is no point arguing about something that you can't change. Heck, there is no point to even start an argument even.

Dear guys,

Please stop looking at those pretty face and think that she is a goddess. Stop, listen and think if her character is something you can deal with and not be that blind duck following and giving her everything to impress her. She has brains, don't let her looks fool you. If you marry her and she gets crazy while you get tired and bored, blame your younger self for getting you there.

Dear girls,

What is with the make up and attitude? Its not that difficult to understand guys you know. Not all of them are assholes, stop getting attracted to the wrong guys. Money may get you somewhere, but without a heart, you're going to suffer to keep the marriage up on your own.

But really, I am just blabbing this as I type along. I just hate it when people get married and then decide that they can't be together after sometime. What I hate the most is when they have kids together and decide to split. Way to go ya selfish "adults". You're ruining your kids life. >:(

My pet peeve?
Inconsiderate people.

The part of me that I hate most about myself?
My smartness.

There's this thing about ultimate frisbee that drives me in wanting to improve myself and hopefully get an MVP award someday. It really does seem like its the only thing left for me to have a credit in the things that I can actually do. There's also this other part where there is a drive where you would want to perform your best in order to help your team score every single point possible. Even if you feel like you can't contribute much to the team, you wouls even feel like its best for you to sit the point or even game out and let others who were more driven to be on the point. That unwritten rule of teamwork that remains unspoken, yet manages to fill into every individual's heart when they are in the team is remarkable. How is it even possible? Not to mention how intense the game could be, yet being elevated but spirited players on the sidelines cheering on their fellow teammates on the point too!

It does remind me of cheer sometimes. That unmatched level of spirit in the person as well as the team. Though I believe I am absolutely over with cheer as a passion. Yes, it is true that once a cheerleader, will always be a cheerleader. But there will come a point of time where you would just sit and have that calm emotion when you know its not something that you can reach for anymore. It isn't really the kind of disappointed feeling, but more of an acceptance. I feel absolutely pumped to cheer on my friends from the crowd but not so much of the envy that they get to wear those glitzy cheer uniforms and an extremely oversized cheer bow as well as that chance to prance about on that bouncy blue cheer mat. I can be a cheer mom for all you know, but that will be a thing for the future mother me to decide. There are times where I would feel that sense of regret where I should've continued doing certain stuff when I was much younger too. But that too, I caved in to acceptance.

My brain-iness, however is a question to ponder upon still. Am I believing my childhood made believe that I am a brainless child, or am I just too lazy to prove everyone wrong? Though really, I don't get why parents had to lie a complete superficial just so the kids will choose to believe the otherwise..? Blab.

I'm just wasting my time talking to myself, really. At least talking to my blog doesn't seem as manic as talking to myself in person. And really, twitter is seriously too short for me to blab at most of the time.

Melbourne Hat 2013. I finished 13th AGAIN! Out of 31 (or was it 32?) teams this time. What can I say? A-mae-zinnnnnnn! I got really judgemental with everything I did this tournament. That drive to improve is a little crazy. Thank god I did not consume any Red Bull, I'd probably really go crazy otherwise. I love how I get to meet new faces and create that bond just by playing ultimate frisbee. I got to meet so many familiar faces, people whom were in the same team last year, people whom I get to see once in a while through pick ups and other random trainings and the best; new people from other states in Aussie! Hehehe. So much love!

Wheeeeeeeeeee.

Results came back shitty as heck, btw.
Not sure what I can do about it.

1st December 2013

It used to be really easy to maintain positive energy and thoughts.

But that was ten years ago when there was nothing to worry about in the future. When the year was over and done with, all we had to do was play for three whole months before returning to a routine school; 7.30am to 1pm with occasional extra co-curricular activities which would end latest by 6pm. Which will then proceed with extra tuition classes which would start at about 8pm til 10pm. It was all a routine, everyone had the same time table. Only difference would be how much a person would spend studying and playing while they have random free time in between. Homeworks didn't seem as crazy as it is today, despite the number of classes we had to take then as compared to now.

I feels easily defeated with every little mistakes I do now. It feels as though there wouldn't be anything to back me up, in an event that everything goes wrong. Things back then would still be the same eventhough you messed up one odd day, simply because everyday was a routine. Aside from all those minor dramas in school that we had then, everything now seemed to be multiplied exponentially. One small mistake, would mean a disaster to the whole thing. It doesn't matter if you failed or did badly in one unit then, you would still move on to the next grade. It only comes to be an important thing as it prevents you from taking the next step to studying towards your intended interest. However, I learned that it still didn't matter if you did badly in one subject as long as you know what you are doing, everthing will still be alright. It even works in helping you identify what field you would suite best with.

I got paranoid once I was done with high school: "Where will I be? What will I be doing? Will this be the right decision?" I knew that I had a very high interest in the biology field. But today, three years since I made my decision, I feel like I have been lied to by my past self. My "profession" isn't bringing me anywhere.

Do I regret making the decision? Nope. In fact, I feel like I did the right thing by going with my heart. I knew very well I would not put in more effort if I had not picked something of my interest. Am I ace-ing it? Nope. But I enjoyed every single part of it. A lab full of taxidermy animals? That's like heaven for me!

No doubt about it, I feel like I am to blame that I have lead myself towards something that has literally no future. The science field doesn't need a person like me, who is a pass-er and just having fun, not being very serious about the things that I do. I could feel like I am doubting myself with every little thing I do these days, building courage to be myself is even more difficult too. Sometimes I wondered why was I so silly in picking something where I would lead myself towards a dead end. But times where I visit the zoo and look at the animals, make me feel like I had to do something about it. Times where I observe people of other profession with formal uniform, made me feel like I had to force myself to be a professional in every little aspect. Times where I could feel joy and sincere happiness when people interact with animals. Times where I feel how the animal and little children wouldn't know what to feel where "adults" takes advantages over the minors. Its a mixed emotion roller coaster ride. Sometimes, words couldn't describe how I would feel either. 

I wish I had the courage to be an advocate for little children and animals. But at the same time, I know how the world would not even give two glaces at these minors in need. It makes me feel 'if people can choose not to be good to such innocence, they would have the potential to be mean people to others as well'. Though really, what is the point of being mean to others? Deep down, we all know we are just like animals themselves; we each have our own different methods in surviving in this world. Doesn't this make us similar to animals then?

The differences in between two individuals are in such a huge range, that it blows my mind off. How is it possible that such a person could be like that, while others would be a whole different kind of person as well. My mind is so retarded that I immediately discriminate people who think that they are good people, to be bad people while I dig deeper at the bad people to look for their good side. I believe that there is a reason to why that person is misbehaving or is having a difficult being "normal". But if you give me a normal person to observe, I'd categorize them as mean, selfish and inconsiderate people.

God, you need to start taking away bad people and stop taking away the good people who are suffering because of these bad people.

But actually, there were some times where I wish I could swap my life with homeless people just so they can have my luxury for the day and feel better about themselves. I even mentioned: if I were to be rich one day, I'd probably go broke immediately for I know I'd rather give my fortune to those who needs it more than I would.

Sometimes I feel like the world is full of people who are mean, selfish and ignorant that I could not be stuffed being nice to people anymore. I don't trust myself with people, for I fear I will be turned against and I would have noone else but myself to blame for being so silly.

I worry waking up everyday, starting a conversation with someone not knowing what it would cost me. It is as though I am trying to protect that little true part of me buried, yet alive to not be contaminated by the evil reality of the world.

:/

Steve Irwin should have been alive.

PMS makes me

1. Hate myself to the max.
2. Hate everyone else to the max.
3. Be unreasonable.
4. Short tempered.
5. Feel depressed.
6. Tired easily.
7. Crave for certain food, by food I mean sweet stuff only.
8. Not be stuffed by anything anyone bothers saying.
9. Be bolder with what I say and do.
10. Ask questions that doesn't have any connection with whatever we were talking just moments ago.
11. Not know how to finish my sentences properly.
12. Get jealous easily.
13. Wonder why is everyone retardedly dumb.
14. Think that I am the worst person in the entire world.
15. Highly emotional.
16. Think alot and question almost everything.
17. Feel uncomfortable.
18. Confused.
19. Insecure.
20. Retarded.

But pms takes place at least one week before it really comes, which then leads to a following 5 days of absolute discomfort especially on the first three days of the cycle. That's pretty much two weeks out of the whole month. Does it mean, a woman isn't her true self for about half her time as a person? What about menopause? Isn't that like an absolute change to her body and that it will take a toll on her both mentally and physiologically as well? What about pregnancy and childbirth? :O

I am getting paranoid.

But my question is, when exactly am I my true self?

26 November 2013

How do you put it down in words?

People say, time will heal wounds. But the thing is, nobody said that scars would fade away. It is as though it is a remembrance of what has happened in the past that caused the scar to exist. What if the pain along with the scar never heals?

Childhood fears and worries will accentuate as the person age. Unless, if the problem is encountered and faced at an earlier stage then the problem would be resolved. But if the pain remains the way it is within a person, it adds up and it could practically ruin this person. It is as though they have been moulded to have this fear within their lives, thinking that there is never a way out of this problem. They eventually shape their life around this problem, sometimes hoping to suffocate the problems into being non-existant. Sometimes it seems as though they are lying to themselves thinking that the problem isn't real and that it is only a phase that will soon pass. But is this really true?

I have always had this fear of being blamed for doing something I had not done; somehow a form of perfectionist that I feel like I should be. In my eyes, there would be no flaws in perfection. But in reality, there isn't such thing as perfection. I would be the first person to blame when things are done wrongly and if it was definite that I was the cause of the fault. But if ever I feel like something out there that will point their fingers on me, saying that I was the fault to the problem yet I had nothing to do with it.

What happened today, was something that had been stuck in my head since the moment it happened. I was crossing the road when the man was already blinking. Seemingly the person I was walking with decided it was fine to walk anyways, I trusted the decision and walked along. I was already tired, but I tried hurrying on to the other end, as I could see the car wanting to make a turn into the street.  But the driver decided she was impatient and honked at me!

Well, the honk was really unexpected and it really did shocked me. So instinctively, I shouted at that person who told me to hustle along the crossing and said "SEE! THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T CROSS WHEN THE RED MAN IS BLINKING!!" I immediately regretted how I got it out in words.

All I did was to comply to someone who I trusted to lead and then an unexpected turn came from nowhere decided to scare me and blame me for hogging their road/time which then leaded to me protecting myself claiming it wasn't my mistake at all. I really didn't have to scream. I knew that But I did, and it does explains something that I am not too certain of.

First of all, I should have insisted in staying and waiting for the next green man to appear. Second, that fat woman shouldn't be honking because pedestrians have the right of way here in Australia. It wasn't as if I was walking slow on purpose. Pfft.

Thinking about it, sometimes I really feel like I give myself too many reasons to back myself up to prove that I wasn't at fault. But given sufficient evidence to my fault, I really wouldn't have two thoughts about arguing with it and admit that I was wrong immediately (or in other words, I am growing up to be a woman.. hehehe)

But of course, as a human, anything can be right. Which I find, is a piece of bullshit.

There is just so many things going through my head right now, but nothing comes through those thoughts. All they have been and could possibly remain, are just thoughts on their own. It's so difficult for me to make them come true. Part of me feels the fear of the unknown, not knowing what could it actually do to change the course of the future for me and the other part of me just refuse to leave this comfort zone of mine. Every little new adventure I take, feels like I might be doing something wrong. If it ever does go right, it is a blessing for me. Maybe it's because I still feel as though I don't deserve any good that can happen to me. It feels too comfortable to leave and create another new path. It feels like there wouldn't be any more time for me to regain my pace if I ever do flunk in anything that I do. Everything right now, is at a pending phase.. It's just stuck there in my mind and I don't know how to find that courage to bring it out.

13 November 2013

There are days where I feel extremely bold. Days where I couldn't be bothered about what people would think of me, days where I'd like to show the world that its okay to be completely abnormal, days where I would go all out and do everything I've always dream of doing. That one particular day when I wish to be spectacular and that everyone remembers that one thing that I did that no one else would ever dare trying.

But there are other days where I feel like hiding under my blankets, never wanting to leave the bed ever. Days like these feel like there was no reason to be awake, even. Days where you just don't have that strength to get up and do normal things like making a cup of hot chocolate and to sit and enjoy nature as it is.

Sometimes I question, how is it even possible for a person to have such extreme changes in personality on such a short period of time. One moment you're happy, but the next you're just nothing. No doubt about it that happiness is a drive that makes a person strive to achieve it. But other times, it didn't seem worth the struggle to reach a happy place.

It didn't seem like happiness would last long, it didn't seem like the effort made to stay happy was worth anything. How does one stay happy? Isn't it a constant input of something external that would keep it alive? Somewhat like how a fire dies out whenever the fuel runs dry?

Then again, to read back what I written in the first paragraph somehow depicts that I had the intentions to 'please' the 'world'. To be accepted and to be seen by the people, to be heard by the people to know who I truly am. But it all doesn't make sense, for it depicts that I am putting a show to garner attention.

Isn't it a constant struggle to find where you are most fitted, a place where you know they will accept you for who you are even when you are at your worst? That love and care from others..

10 November 2013

I feel like I should do something worthwhile for my 21st birthday. As of people in general ever since they turn 18, every party seemed like a drinking, and getting crazy kind of party. Well, being stereotypical, it feels like they don't get to party on normal terms and partying seems like the best thing to do at this kind of age.

Though I strongly emphasize that I hate my birthday, but it really is because nobody really gives a shit about it. Or, at least that's what I feel. I really didn't like the fact that people had to go out of their ways to 'please' me simply because it's my day. But really, birthdays are that one particularly irritating bit that you have to put in extra effort to make it special for them. I admit, I would be that silly person trying my best to make sure that day would be their special day. But what about me..? Maybe I expected a little too much from people. Maybe, just maybe I am that insignificant. I don't see how it is a harm to reach that conclusion either.

This selfishness has got me not giving two thoughts about people's birthdays anymore. I question if they were close enough to even wish a random 'happy birthday!' wish AND if it is even sincere. Imagine you never talk to this one friend for over a long period of time, but you happen to remember their birthday (no really, stop lying. Facebook notified you, or someone else posted a wish on their page and you "remembered") and you decide to pop a wish, along the lines of 'hope you have a great one!' or 'have a great year!' or 'you've grown another year older, time to be wiser!'.. it really does make me feel skeptical about all these wishes. I mean.. you somehow become a celebrity for a day, simply because it's your birthday? 

It does make me curious though, on how this makes you feel superior for a day where the whole world literally is kissing your two feet and showering you with rainbow confettis for that one day. Before you know it, you return to the ordinary you. Does it really feel that nice?

I can feel like I am begging the world for attention, just for once in my life. That one day where I would be treasured for my existence. Then I realised that birthdays are only for one day, like a dream that is only possible when I am asleep. It didn't feel worth that one-time feeling anymore. I wanted friendships that would last and not just forced conversations on birthdays. Yes, it is very demanding of me, and it doesn't mean I can be that kind of person for others as well. But there is a word called 'try'. A word that brings no meaning if you don't actually push yourself towards it and knowing that it will bring you somewhere, hopefully somewhere worthwhile.

For almost my whole life, I have shared my birthday with someone else who happened to be relatively close to me somehow. Me and my nature just couldn't have the heart to steal their spotlight. Every birthday I cry a little on the inside, til that one year where I accepted the fact and reality of birthdays.

I now recognize my birthday as the day where I would avoid the world and only spend it with people who genuinely want to share it with me. It's a day for myself, to be with myself, and to allow myself to accept myself for braving the whole year of the last and to have that little encouragement to keep going til the next year.

Here's one thing I wish I can do; help the homeless. There's something about the homeless that tells me that all they need is some love from people. I mean, if they really want to, they can get a job somewhere.. provided if they are absolutely keen and determined. But.. they chose to sit on the streets with cardboard written notes explaining why they need help.. does that really not mean anything to you?

30th Oct 2013

Those who matter, don't care.
Those who care, don't matter.

I had a seizure.

It lasted for 3 seconds. Thank god I managed to gain consciousness after that. I can only suspect that it happened cause I got up too fast after having to be in bed for about 12 hours. Possibly low blood pressure..? Or in other words, blood was flushed from my brain as an act of gravity, but there wasn't enough circulating blood to replenish that loss of blood from my brain quick enough which then resulted my brain to go into a spasm for abit. I remember knowing that I will have a blackout vision and before I knew it, I elapsed into a small seizure moment. At that moment, I thought it was just an imagination, a bad dream where it felt like it was a real thing.. until I actually gained my conscious. When I got my conscious, I then knew it actually happened and I had to accept reality that I had a momentary seizure.

All I know was that, I was absolutely afraid. I mean, I had neved had a history of it and it's the first time ever that it has happened to me. Seeing how others had seizures, it seemed like a huge deal and it was something that needs to be worried about. I had never passed out before either. Losing consciousness was one of my biggest fear.. what if I could never be sane again? Well, that's a little too extreme.. but I really did think somewhere along that line. My head went: if it happened once, it's gonna happen again sometime in the future. What if I won't be able to wake up then? What if this is the beginning of something that is unknown?

Truth be told, I think I am just paranoid. It is probably because I didn't have much positive exposures to these kind of things. Somewhat like a taboo that everybody tries to stay away from. Me trying to be like everyone else, knows that this isn't normal and would get afraid, running away refusing to know what is beneath it all. Just like how the public deals with mental illnesses or any other personality disorders. Makes me despise people, really. It makes me hate myself even more at times too. But mehh.. if one ant dies, the colony probably wouldn't even realise it.

Though, it really does have to start somewhere. Kindness really does go a long way..

19 Oct 2013

I can feel my body filled with rage.

One where I am unaware of how I could actually dissipate it, unsure of how to deal with.

I thought it was only a phase, that I'd eventually get over with it once I..

17 Oct 2013

This was pretty much a tiny conversation I had with myself just as I was reading through the marking scheme of my report on Human Phylogeography. Even this name sounds fancy, and I just felt like I had no clue what was going on, no idea what I was supposed to do. I really did feel like I should just give up and not do this assignment at all. But it weighs 25%, and I am very sure that the future me will regret not doing this assignment.. So.. here it is.. my conversation with myself! I apologise for the vulgarity. I tend to be really mean to myself. :D

I can write an essay on how Humans came about, but I can only do that based on what I know. Which probably can be summarised in one tiny paragraph. But here, I have to write it up in a whole report form with a word count of 1500 to 2000 words and it costs me 25% of my course. I have no idea HOW to even start my first sentence. Should I have just asked questions when I didn’t know what I am doing? But what am I supposed to ask, when I don’t even know what I have to do and what I am doing.. Search for materials.. Is fine. But why is it so difficult for me to look for proper sources? It is as though I am searching for something else, and my search results gives me a whole lot of other junk that are irrelevant to this topic of what I have to write about even.

How do I even begin with a intro..?

Hypotheses for human origins

I only know that humans originated from Africa. THAT IS ALL.

Hypotheses for human worldwide dispersal

Humans moved out of Africa, moved to Europe then to Asia then to Australia. The Asian line then went over to America. But somehow there are Europe lines that are much much younger than the Americans.

Aims of study

FIGURE THE FUCK OUT HOW TO DO THIS FREAKING PIECE OF PAPER.

Methods

What data are you using to build your trees?

I DON’T KNOW, the data was given, all I did was fucking extract it and wait for it to process for me.

To which part of the genome do these sequences belong to?

The Mitochondrial genome?

How many sequences?

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

How long are these sequences?

FREAKIN LONG

Where did you obtain these sequences?

EXTRACTED from the given data.. what am I supposed to write even?! T.T

Description of methods used to build and date phylogenetic tree

Model of DNA evolution.. ?! WHAT?

Tree- building algorithm WHAT SHIT IS THIS?

Bootstrap

I still don’t know what this is.

Software used

Wasn’t it MEGA5? What else?

Molecular clock-dating

ITS RIGHT THERE, I JUST USE IT!

I have been talking to myself alot, recently. I think I am deprived. But mehhh..

In all honesty, I really don't know how am I going to pass my exams this semester. God Bless me.. 

16 oct 2013

Sometimes I feel like a freak for being a loner.

But at the same time, I wouldn't know how to ask people out for a little hang out sessions when I know I would get turned down for some reasons. I would probably feel terrible for asking accompany when I know that they might be busy with their own life and that I needed them for that one point of time. I'd feel like I am selfish for not thinking on their behalf on their time line. Yet at the same time, I know I would have allocated time if they were to ask me out and appreciate that they had thought of me and would allocate some time to be with me.

Though honestly, I think I have been a loner for the whole of my life. People would think that I would place myself away from other people to show that I am alone, hoping I'd get some attention from them. But these days I know that if I do that, there is no doubt about it that I will be left there alone and lonely til the end of time.

Being alone can be a happy thing, it gives me ample amount of time to do whatever I want. I could easily finish studying and be ahead, I could have extra time to watch dramas and laze in bed for the whole day, I didn't have to pay attention to what people have to say and feel emotionally attached. A whole lot more too.

But being alone can be sad too. I wouldn't know who I should turn to when I need help, I would long to go out of outings and have fun laughing with a bunch of people, I would have to rely on my own opinion instead of getting feedbacks from others regarding that issue. I could even feel lonely when I am with a massive group of people who I may or may not know personally. I'd just zone out and feel like a phantom in the room.

Everyday in uni, I'd buy lunch and eat it in the library as I prepare myself to study as soon as I am done with my food. I don't have friends to hang out with, only going home late because of meetings or studying in the library. People I know in uni are more of the 'hi-bye' friends, people whom we have met somewhere through the uni days; classes and events. A small chat on how they have been and they had to rush off elsewhere.

Hrmmm.. maybe it's just me.

11 Oct 2013

I am one year away from graduating.. At least that is what I think I am.

Then I found out I have to do a year of honours to do Masters.

Well, I guess thats one idea scraped out. Though in all seriousness, doing Honours might get me somewhere. Where, is somewhere I have no idea of. What am I going to do with my life? What am I going to do after I am done studying my stuff? Should I stay another year for Honours and give myself an extra year worth of time, or should I just stop studying and actually do something about it?

I have three options:

+ Major in Zoology and pick random units to fill up my quota with a minor in Physiology
+ Major in Marine Biology, minor in Zoology and Physiology
+ Major in Zoology / Marine Biology and a major in Physiology

The third option seems insane. But I picked that last year cause I thought I could handle it and maybe put myself in a safer position in the future. Then as I am just about done with this year, I figured that Physiology may be understandable for me, but it was a little too boring for me. The practicals were boring, the lecturers were boring.. also not to forget that Physiology is really general too. It pretty much brings me back to ground zero.

Actually, I have been on ground zero since second semester of my first year. I don't have any driven force to continue doing what I wanted to do.

A minor doesn't really serve much of its purpose, does it? It wouldn't appear on your graduation thing, only majors would. It would be so swag if I had two majors.. But I don't even know if I can actually do it. My results are shit..

Starting to regret every decision that I had made to have gotten me here today..

Here's one thing I know, I don't see how am I going to earn an income with my profession as a Zoologist or a Marine Biologist or a Physiologist. Negativity even before I start doing something, is another part of me that I am undoubtedly good at.

9 oct 2013

That weird dream of mine made me feel absolutely exhausted today. Worst part, I couldn't finish the dream and had to attend a lab session this morning. I can't help but to think about how bizarre this dream was, and I am still feeling tired because of it.

I know one thing for sure, I hated hauted houses. But in my dreams, I obliged and followed a group of 'familiar faces' into the haunted house, just because I didn't want to be the party pooper. It wasn't really like a haunted house that I know of, it had us sitting around round tables, watching the stage waiting for something to happen. I wasn't wrong, cause that whole stage feel immediately turned into some scary futuristic abduction like. It pulled people in from the audience, thinking it was some kind of act. One by one, people from my table were being pulled into that thing.. I lokoed back at the other table, it was only filled with people being all excited about how amazing this show was going; disappearing act. Then, it was only me left on my table..

The alien then came to me in a group. They only looked like humans dressed up with really pretty futuristic costumes. I knew I didn't want to go, cause it looked fishy. But one of my 'friend' was amongst them, and she told me, 'just follow'. The others in that group seemed to be agreeing with what she told me. Thinking that it would be okay, considering they have the time to warn me to JUST FOLLOW, I thought following quietly would eventually save my life.

As I was shuffled into this 'exit', the door somehow opened up into a whole different world, a futuristic world. But this seemed like an entrance to a company sort, a production line sort-of, using humans dressed as aliens as slaves. I was in a line, and the 'escorters' made sure we were in a line and moved forward along with it. There was this station up ahead.. Til I reached the station, they told me to pick a colour and place my hands there. There was Pink, Green, Orange and Yellow. I somehow picked yellow, placed my hands where they yellow was indicated. The next thing I know, my hands were strapped into place, and I was injected with this yellow goo into my system. It didn't feel a thing. Probably was feeling too scared to even feel any other emotions.

As I followed the line, I could see humans on the side, evolving into aliens at their will, hurrying to that place where I came in from. Alien outfits of the colours on that station where I had been injected at. The line ended with a hall, where we sit and watch a 'lecture' on how to bring in more humans from my world into this world. I could only conclude that they were trying to trick people like me into this place and to stay here, becoming their slaves.

I couldn't really tell what happened, but I was following this 'ALIEN', some big boss of this industry where he explained his concept behind all this work.

I woke up.. How I wish I could go back to sleep and have an ending to this dream. It seems so bizarre. omg..

6 Oct 2013

This past whole month was absolutely unfair.

Yeah, that's what I would say to myself, if I had the chance to talk to myself in another form of me. How insane is that? But going back to that, I really did feel like I was more on a holiday when I am supposed to be studying.

It all started with a trip up to Brisbane for an Ultimate Frisbee tournament : Halibut 2013.
Followed by my aunts visit, to Falls Creek we went.
Following weekend was VMUC.
Momma then came for a two weeks stay.
AusMat friends from different parts of Aussie came over to Melbourne.

That's 5 weekends flushed down the toilet. I hadn't been studying ever since, I really have no idea how am I going to catch up with only 3 weeks remaining into this semester. OMG.

15 Sept 2013

We all know those little nerve wrecked moments when we are about to attempt something new, that we have never done before. That thrill and excitement, the anticipation of how wonderful that new experience would be. That tiny surge of adrenaline rush through your blood (or is it nerves), that makes you feel all pumped up not knowing what exactly we are about to face.

Most of the time, we'd expect the best out of it. It is mostly rare that we'd expect the worst out of that unknown experience. We'd only expect it to be bad, if we relate it back to previous experiences that are somewhat similar to what we are about to face. Then again, not every experience will be exactly the same as the previous.  True, it may be somewhat similar, but time changes everything. 

A car will lose its power, a house will look older, food will spoil, humans.. humans change too..

Time moulds people. Just as how time makes wine taste better, how values of property or land increases through time. Would you say that time is our enemy?

But we don't like changes that we are unfamiliar with. We'd hope people would change for the better, and feel disappointed when they prefer to pick the dark side. We'd hope nice people would remain as nice people, but we feel disappointed when they turn out to be someone else who may have turned evil. How do you even measure what is good and what is bad? Isn't this subjective?

14 sept 2013

What am I going to do?

It really doesn't feel like I am giving myself excuses that I couldn't get my work done. My studies have been far out stalled. Yet as I sit and think about what had happened for the entire week, there didn't seem to be any excess time for me to do anymore than what I had already done. There were times where I would excessively plan my day to fill it with everything, but time moved a little too fast for me to think it through.

That whole passage really does sound like a rant at myself. To think of it, it doesn't really make any sense either.

It all started from the week that I went to Brisbane for a tournament. Which was followed by the presence of my aunt for a visit. Then it is followed by another tournament the following weekend.. not to forget the whole chunk of assignments due on the same day..

Hrmmm.. would you say that I had placed my priorities in the wrong place? Did I prioritise frisbee more than studies and family? Maybe. Then again, they were only tournaments and I hadn't been playing on other leagues or socials either. 

I'd like to say that I didn't do things that I shouldn't be doing. But I guess because things are just different than what I had in mind, threw me off track, making me think that everything I did was wrong..

6 Sept 2013

Here's the problem that I realised almost recently; I can't handle stress.

It isn't only the kind of stress where too much stuff taking place at one go and I didn't have enough time to get everything done in time, it was more on my mentality failing immediately at the first sign of stress. I'd like to believe that I could handle stress quite well, where I would be patient and have a breather or two before planning out which problem I should tackle first, which problem had more priority than the other. But for the past whole year, I somehow felt like everything came to me at one particular time, and each and every problem was equally important.

I remember that all I wanted was to gain experience. So whatever window that appeared before me, I would just hop on and push myself through each and every problem that came with it. What I learned that, my studies were much more difficult to handle, my judgement seemed to have deteriorated as I most likely placed my priorities in a wrong line up. To me, everything really was just as important, everything needed to be done, but everything needed time..

Firstly, I challenged myself to take up a position in being a committee member of the Malaysian society in my uni. I got sponsorship officer. In the earlier stage, I was all panicky as I had no experience at all with this sponsorship thingy. First meeting was all exciting, we planned new events for the whole year, started targeting sponsors and everything. From day 1, I knew that my job was important. Without money, the society would not run activities for the community. I somehow forsee that I will have to stay back during the summer, causing me not to buy a flight home earlier. At least that worked out for me. My enthusiasm allowed me to buy myself some time and that courage to actually learn everything about sponsorship. I find it terrifying to call someone who has higher authority than me. To talk, whatever. Because I know that they will judge me and it is absolutely difficult for me to talk in a serious tone. Based on my experience of being intimidated by others who talked to me in serious tones, I was really afraid that I couldn't bring anything to the table. The previous sponsorship gave me nothing, which means i had to start everything from scratch. I had no choice, I had to start doing something. All through summer last year, I was working, trying to find as many sponsors as I could. Cause I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing, I had to communicate with my president and vice president who were both back at home.. that was pretty much hell for me. I had to go home for my break for at least a month eventually, yet I remember feeling absolutely worried about everything regarding sponsors.

The semester started and we had to have activities running. We were actually in debt as the previous committee somehow left us with debts to clear. That translates to me as : I NEED TO FIND MORE SPONSORS. Obviously I knew that, but with the president and vice president as well as the treasurer constantly saying that we didn't have enough money to have this activity, or to help subsidies stuff, I just felt like I didn't do a good job with my sponsors. Its not only this responsibility I felt for my society, but I had to fulfill what I presented to my sponsors as well. Nobody gives money for free, mannn. Also it is against my norm to ask people for money. It was so contradicting, but this was something i had to learn. Fact that I can never say, NO, made it even worse; I felt like I was making empty promises to my sponsors cause I couldn't incorporate their stuff into our society.

The first semester, I was feeling tensed most of the time. After that ordeal I had through summer, I was going home to my housemates with sour faces almost all the time after meetings. Not to mention how I felt rather lost with my double physio units that semester too. There was just too muh frustration in myself that I totally shut myself away from everyone, especially my close friends back at home. For I knew, the moment I have a chat with them, I'd probably explode. Because I know it was probably too much, I'd just kept it in.

GMB was another thing that got me greedy. It provided me a chance to be a leader, actually. I remember me going, "yolo, if I don't do this now, when will I ever get to do this?". Wrong. As if I didn't have enough shit going on in my own uni already, I stupidly went for it. Had to go through an interview for the spot. My panel of interviewers were the line of presidents of all the Malaysian societies in Melbourne. I got through that somehow, landed on a Director of Deco position. But that was a department role, I still had the head of ball to agree with. Fair enough. I was excited, of course. Immediately went places looking for cheap and good materials to work with, setting up plans on how things would work out. In the earlier stage, I had two people who were working under me. But these two were just assholes bumming about and not giving me any help at all. I had a deadline to meet, so I busted myself out and did everything I could. Just a couple of days before my deadline, my boss decided to give me some extra help. Surely that would help my workload, right? Nope. It was during the exams and who on earth would want to spend their time doing work when you have to study for the exams? As soon as the exams were over, everyone was also heading back home. I wasn't assertive at that time, but I still had the job done.. by myself. I asked the team for ideas, but it didn't work out well as everyone was on their holidays. Making a poll and asking for their survey was the best I could do to get an answer from them. Even that, took some time to be done by everyone. It was a week before the spring holidays ended, we had another gmb meeting. It was logical that nobody would turn up for the meeting, cause it was the holidays. Somehow, it was an urgent meeting. Okay.. only 4 people turned up out of the 10-11 people we have on the board. 

Turns out the urgent matter was that the boss had to go home for an internship. He decided to work on this ball from home, with his secretary and treasurer being his eyes and ears. Well, a big fuck you bro. Nope, you're not even deserving enough to be MY bro. Based on my experience of working with boses at home while I was still here, tells me how badly this shit was going to work out. First of all, he'd be busy with his internship. Whatever decisions that needed his approval will have a delay. With the boss not around to push people and to encourage people, shit is not going to work. Also these top three people were insisting that I have a meeting with my people to have their opinion on deciding the decorations for the ball. After all that I have done, and with such little time, I disagreed with them and that it wasn't something I would do. Somehow it evoked into the secretary going all berserk talking as if I didn't know that I was facing a tight schedule ahead, as though I am not worried about the progress at all. I quit.

I really did quit. I thought about it for long, and decided I couldn't work with the bosses that had no trust in me at all. They kept repeating, "I trust you with the decisions you make". But when we don't present a good idea, you gave faces and showed that you didn't like them behind their backs. I felt as though they saw that I had not done anything til then, when in reality I have done more than I could handle on my own.. it just didn't feel worth it anymore.

There were so many times where I had to pick between studies, mumsu, ball and frisbee. Frisbee was the one that suffered badly. I just couldn't commit as much into it anymore. Still believing that I got through the SUG team as the seventh because they didnt have enough girls then. But it was SUG that I got to learn so much and improve. The best decision of the year. :P

Also, this year I did plan a trip for mumsu's easter camp. But it didn't get through, because we didn't have enough money. Yeah.. it was then where I just lost hope in myself in mumsu, actually. From then on, I just laid back in the shadows a little more and did most of the support part. 

I literally went crazy a couple of times. Luckily I was crazy enough to have the courage to quit the ball committee, otherwise I'd probably be crying my eyeballs out this month.

I was already thinking that I could finally have my rest from everything once mumsu had its agm. But I knew part of me wasn't willing to let it go and still help out, but part of me wanted to be selfish and just drop it. I guess I wasn't selfish enough to decline.

Now I am just scared that I'll go through the same shit I went through this year. Yes, I learned alot this year. But I am scarred by the negativity that I plummeted myself into this year. I really am terrified.

5 Sept 2013

Dear God,

Please bless me.

2 Sept 2013

Most of the time, I really have no idea what I am doing.

And the worst part of it all, I give up really easily too.

26 Aug 2013

The previous weekend was all about me travelling to Brisbane for an ultimate frisbee tournament with a bunch of asians and one white guy. Leaving on the evening of Friday, arriving home 1.30am on Monday. It feels pretty hard core that we were travelling places just to have an experience playing ultimate with other people.

It was horrible. Hahahahaha. Nahh. It wasn't horrible. I just made it sound bad simply because I knew I didn't do too well there when I know I could do so much better. With me being extremely harsh on myself, it made me scrutinize everyone else on the team and just observing how they fared through the tournament. Developed love amd hate feelings for certain things, and I am not sure why. I remember being absolutely angry at myself for doing a terrible performance this tourney. People asked me if I wanted to play on the point, I was unmotivated, I only shook my head and watched them proceed.

Sometimes I wish I could take things in a more positive mindset. But that thought only made me alienate myself from the world. I sit in a room full of people laughing with each other while I feel lost and alone.

Well, I guess that is just my problem and that it should be fixed.

Sunburn and a sore elbow, worth it?
I'd say yes. It's still a ultimate frisbee tournament, how is it not fun at all? Watching professionals playing in person, is pretty fascinating. Bumping into familiar faces and see how well they play on the field only makes me want to be better and be somewhat like them. That vast level of skills in ultimate frisbee, never really mattered. As long as the spirit is there, it beats everything else and be worth every little effort given. :)

21 Aug 2013

I have only ten minutes to type this.

Would have to say, my course is getting more interesting as I get to have more hands on experiences with DEAD animals. At least I get to do dissections and have some contact with animals to learn about them. Certain things I do, are pretty gross. There are times where I wish I didn't have to do the dissection, cause I was too afraid to puncture that shit and we wouldn't have a spare to work with.. yeah. That kinda sucks, really. I happen to be sitting at the last bench, where we only have 2 pairs of people instead of the usual 4 pairs. Which means we actually do get spare specimen to work with. I am actually beaming on the inside to this advantage. Just like the week before, we had to bust open a land snail and sea snail to look for their tongue. As you know how mushy they are, smashing them carefully was almost impossible. I smashed 2 snails on my own and I found nothing. My lab partner smashed another 2, and couldn't find anything. By then, we already used up our spare specimen.. damnit. So we could only guess and pretend that we managed to pull them tongues out and view them under the microscope.

I personally think that I tend to get pretty lazy when it comes to lab sessions. I would do whatever that is necessary in the fastest possible, just so I can leave lab early. I used to be the first few to leave lab the earliest. I then realise, by being the last person to leave the lab, I can have the demonstrators as well as the lecture's FULL ATTENTION and ask whatever I wanted to ask. Also, I get so much spare time to dissect more stuff. This week, we had to dissect a fish, and dig out it's guts. I was so afraid that I would smash it's insides and find nothing just like the previous week. Which is worse, cause we didn't have any spare fishes to dissect this week. :X

Hrmm.. not sure if only 4 demonstrators and 1 lecturer in the lab would help out much, cause I am clueless as heck most of the time and they are usually busy teaching other clueless kids all over the lab. :( One gross thing that we had in the lab today, was deskinned head of a dog, two to three sheeps and pigs. Last week, we also dissected dead starfish. I got to dissect an extra sea urchin by myself LOL.

9 minutes is up. I am still not done blabbing about my awesome lab.
I was really depressed that I was one mark away from a distiction for a similar unit to this last semester. This unit is actually much more difficult compared to the previous one. It pretty much is the continuation of that unit, where we put body parts to all the animals that we learned last semester.

Times up.

Bio2242 :D 0

16 aug 2013

Apparently you can find everything on the Internet. I have been trying to search for answers from the Internet, rather than consolidating with a peer, or someone who may be wiser than me. For an example, I just googled the word 'consolidate' to see if the word matches in with the sentence as that word merely popped up in my head as I was typing that sentence down.

I can't sleep. I feel paranoid with overwhelming thoughts regarding the unknown future.

It has probably stuck by me for a quite a period of time already, without me realising it. It seems to be hurting me so much now, that the initial happiness I had with it, didn't seem worth it at all. It brought me a whole new life, yet at the same time it was draining my soul by the day. Somewhat like a feeling being all happy amongst the clouds, then suddenly it disappears and now yoy are free falling to the ground with no safety parachut whatsoever. Kinda feel like you never had that luxurious moment if you knew you had to pay for it..

Feel. That's an expression of emotions that could not be spoken of. It didn't seem like it would do any good by mentioning. In fact, my having a go at sharing that thought gave me an impression that I would cause unnecessary trouble instead. Even when deep down in my heart knew it was better to voice it out. But I guess, by doing so, it's another heavy price to pay.. apparently.

Shunned. I have only my blog to express myself however I want to without having that rejection and disapproval from the public eye.

Fight against this negativity. I can't. Or I guess in your point of view, I choose negativity over positivity. I swear for the first 18 years of my life, positivity was 75% of the time expressed. It was only not too long ago where I came to acceptance that I had only given myself a separate perfect world to get away from, realising that reality was nothing like that. Reality seems to be grabbing my soul, crushing every little dream and fantasy that I have into speckles of dust.

Why can't I be upset?

I don't want to fight anymore.

13 aug 2013

I guess my problem is that I can't let go of the past, and I let the past affect what I do today.

9 Aug 2013

I finally had my chance to watch Breaking Dawn part 2.

I somehow feel over the moon that I finally got to watch this after for a million years. HAH. No but really. I guess I somehow knew that I must watch this eventually. I just let it wait, and wait and wait and wait. Knowing that I have read the book series for like twice through the whole thing, I really do think watching the movie was a must. IT IS JUST A FULFILLMENT TO FILL.

I feel so much better now. This is ridiculous. Why does this one movie make me feel so much better, even when it clearly is a pretty badly produced movie. The movie gained so much interest as compared to the book. Then as a 14 year old, I didn't get the craze of this super thick black book with this random red apple in a clasp on it's cover titled, twilight. I was in Taiwan when I thought I should have a go at this book. Then, I was a book addict, but I wouldn't even bat an eye on those super thick books. It was a trend back at home, so I figured that it should be good. From then on, I remember my mother scolding me for not putting down that book, skipping meals and not bothering about the world in any way.

Because it wasn't cheap, I had to borrow them from friends. Then I thought, since I am so hooked to this, might as well buy to have a reminder of how much I was into this frenzy. So, I bought all 4 of them, and they are sitting in my cupboard as trophies or a symbolic remembrance of those days.

In book 2, I swapped over to Team Jacob. In book 3, I was both. Just then, the movie came out. Then everyone started grabbing a book to read and then watching the movies. EVERYONE had to have a comment about it. I personally thought the first movie was terrible. Probably cause it did not manage to capture the book's essence properly. I couldn't be bothered watching the second movie cause I was about 17-ish and thought it was just bad and I was being a rebellious teen. LOL

Now I am 20. I probably forgotten how good the book was and was absolutely thrilled about the movie cause it brought back memories of what I actually read. HAHAHAHAHAHA

I guess I was at that transition phase where I was slightly embarrassed of myself for actually reading the whole series for like twice and everyone was commenting on how silly the book was.

TRUE. The romance seems really cheesy and everything doesn't make much sense. HAHAHA But hey, it's just a book and it's only a movie. You still read it, you still watched it. Whatevs, hypocrite.

YEAYYY. I can die in peace now.

I think..

8 Aug 2013

Today, is a weird day.

Then again, everyday is weird. Does that make it normal? Making everyday somewhat different from the one before, is it even possible to have something, a norm that would last forever?

I like being busy. It keeps me occupied, a distraction from my self thoughts. Which I do believe that is a poison to my own system. I tend to overthink everything, that it is close to impossible to have absolutely nothing going through my head for one single moment. My face might appear blank, but truthfully there is just too much going through my head that I couldn't say them out in words.

Can I say that I have a fear interacting with people?

I really don't know what to think about when I have a one to one conversation with someone whom I am barely close with. It may be true that I can have a conversation going. But does that short conversation make any difference? How else would people learn and garner experience, if not for communicating with others?

What if the conversation were all lies? It probably doesn't matter.

But what is it, that really matters?

I find it peaceful when I sit here with music blasted into my ears, with zero interaction. Have I become an introvert?

Though I know deep in my heart, I yearn for that connection with someone.. Someone who I know wouldn't mind listening to my crap, regardless of the situation. Even with these people judging me, I would still know that they knew who I really am beneath this skin of mine.

My heart screams for attention, my mind tells me to be cautious in the things that I do.

Eventually, things will be alright.. right?

6 aug 2013

I need to learn how to be human.

Sometimes when I talk to different people, I realise how different I can be and how much I would have hated myself if I were to be the other person.

5 Aug 2013

My week one has gone by in daze. All I remember is me worrying about my future and I was all depressed. For the weekend, I had a little escape, and went for several frisbee "events". Not too sure how to put it in proper words, but they were two trainings and a game.
 

Sunday Uni league was a bummer. The field is located at some isolated place where it is only reachable if you have a car. The field was a mudpool where it is almost impossible to stay dry and clean from the mud. What's worst was that for that one time that I needed to use a toilet badly, we were at a field where they had their toilets locked. I guess the rain made the mud even muddier. Cleats were buried foot deep into the fields and it was rather difficult to run properly. Then again, it provided a massive fun for people to layout EVERYWHERE. LOL! It's funny. Like how often you get to play a proper game, under the rain?
 

I guess I was just being a princess. My bag is completely drenched in rain, and is coated with mud. Thank goodness I have a spare bag to use for my daily things. I really did not expect the field to be muddy and for it to rain and then make it muddier. Well, it was pretty depressing. I thought I had the chance to be a handler yesterday. Haha. GUESS NOT. Ahhh.. when will I ever improve?
 

I literally passed out as soon as I was done with shower yesterday. I had so much running and interactions to do, my body just took a beating and I slept for a very very long time. Hahahahaha. Best out of the whole week. :)
 

Though it was fun, but it is kinda risky at the same time. I couldn't do any academic related things that weekend. In all honesty, I really wish I can do this throughout the whole semester; study hard during the weekdays and play hard during the weekends, not bothering about academics for the weekends. That sounds wildly dangerous.. Hrmmm.. Plus, I already have several weekends where I can't have any academic things to do at all. I would definitely have to finish it before the weekend comes in. More library time, perhaps.
 

It's Monday again! And I have quite alot in my plate to handle. Its only week two.. Hrmmm..

2 Aug 2013

Remember clearly, the wrong things but not the right. Remembering how is embarrasses us more than how it makes us feel at that moment in time. Is it because the negativity within, that caused the negativity to outweigh the goodness in things? Or is it just plain habit?

I remember that when I was younger, whatever I did, somehow reflects as me trying to attract attention to myself. I saw, that it was a bad thing to attract attention to myself. I had an impression whereby doing something to get somebody's attention and pity, is not a right thing to do. Today, I could only question; why did I behave likewise?

For all you know, I could be some stuck up bitch putting shit and being a pain in the ass to everyone around me and find complete joy out of it. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. I would always know that it is not a good to take things from others and everyone should be treated nicely. The slightest hint of me being a trouble to someone, could literally drive me insane.

Yet I learned, that with me feeling upset for not being treated the way I think I deserve, will feel much better than having me to cause an inconvenience to others.

Then it makes me wonder, if it is worthy to maintain with what I have, or to leave it behind and start a new.

I can never think in between, somehow. Cause it will make me think everything in detail as it all sum up to the bigger picture of either scenario. Which, outweighs the other? Which, is more worthy? Which, makes me happy..?

1 Aug 2013

Rejection.

How would you react to rejection? How would you reject? How would you know if you are rejecting? Why rejection? 

Is there even an answer to this?

I can only tell that hearts will be broken, when someone comes into realisation that all those gestures would have meant otherwise. Hiding the truth from the said, simply because it was the better option than a complete rejection. A white lie. Keep it in and forever hold your peace, or make a statement and crush hearts and dreams?

It's really odd having a break on Thursdays. It is in between schooling days of 9am, my body would automatically wake me up at 8.20am and then I will just sit there, wide awake. I could have studied, but it's week 1.. there is barely anything to study! Also I spent 4 hours in the library yesterday, from 11am til 3pm. By right, it is a peak hour between 12-1, would normally be extremely difficult to get a place at the computers then. But duhhhhhhh.. week 1. Literally nobody goes to thr library.. it's a good practice to get the habit kick in for the rest of the semester, I guess. But I spent my off day today, watching movies and learning a dance.

What's retarded about it is that I didn't even get to do that when I was on my winter holidays. I had been going everywhere that I barely used my laptop. LOL.

I always say, 'I am a loner, I don't have friends in uni'. Technically, it is true. But of course this is dependent on how you define "friends". Cause I don't know what it truly means. I have people who I can just say hi and have random conversations with. But not friends who would call me out for a hangout session and have long talks about life's frustrations. With that, I succumbed into my own little world, where I sit alone in the library, and spend hours working on my study notes. At least it keeps me occupied, and not feeling all depressed about how I don't get to hang out with people and have a proper social life.

In all honesty, I get extremely jealous when my housemates have friends calling them from overseas or when they get to go out on some random get together with their own friends. Or when I meet other people and they te me wondrous adventures of them with their own group of friends. Then I'll go like, 'yeahh.. I guess my best friend is my books and coloured pens.. as well as my frisbee discs..'.

Then again, I guess it really is my fault for not putting in effort to make those lasting friendships. But I can't be blamed for being unreasonably scared for putting in effort, to only getting treated in a different way.. that, is just sad.

Ultimate frisbee, really is my only source of life beyond books. My non-asian friends all come from ulti.. gg.

Still don't know what to do with my degree. It seems so easy for the locals to get jobs here. With my dumb brainless results, also my status as an international student.. I really do forsee that it is going to be extremely difficult for me to get a job. My only hope now, is that I will remain strong enough to pursue my dreams, the way I planned. It really does seem absolutely ridiculous now.. but I have after all come so far.. the only thing left for me to do is to push on, regardless.

:/

31 July 2013

I am convinced that I bought fake Nikes. So much for wanting to save money, yet I can feel myself rejecting those shoes because they somewhat don't fit my expectation.

I am actually quite lost in this evolution class. So much discussions going on and there is no definite answer to it. "It can happen". You can never know what happens between now and ten years from now. Somewhat like a blink and POOF, extreme change. Cause in short period of time, small degree changes will be extremely difficult to notice or realise.

Can you imagine living your life in a full YOLO way? Where you just don't give a crap of anything at all, and just do whatever you feel like doing, as long as you are happy and that is all that matters. The whole world might hate you for all you know, but you don't give a shit and just smile at everything. Wouldn't that be nice?

30 July 2013

Bull.. 10am lecture with god knows how many hundred of students in this lecture hall. The noise and crowd is insane. Know what's worst? Lecture blasted some super perky song in the lecture hall.

Pretty sure if I am in a normal state, I would like it. But I wasn't, and it is terrible! T.T

29 July 2013

Today, I feel like crap.

I feel like crap because I don't know how to approach my studies this semester. It doesn't feel like putting in extra effort seems to be doing any difference to me. Somewhat like my effort given to studying, doesn't serve me justice with my results by the end of the semester.

What am I going to do with my time? How else should I approach my studies? What's gonna happen after I graduate?

Listening to demonstrators sharing their stories about their PhD researches, I could only have that image in my head as a dream. Then I had to have a reality check; I didn't have the brains to do whatever that they were doing. It then got me questioning, if I should continue studying or just drop out and live life as a garbage.

I get so tensed up whenever anyone discusses about academics. I could only see a dead end ahead of me. They were all shrieking and worrying about how their semester would go, while I sit there wondering if I am actually strong enough to continue with what I wanted to do in the first place. Even with this undying passion for animals, it really is a dead end for me. Seeking for internship but somehow there seemed as though there is some kind of barrier that is preventing me from seeking other options and pathways to chase after my dreams.

What am I going to do?
What should I do?

Playing on a game today for several points, I did really terrible as a third handler. They trusted me enough to throw the disc to me, but I retardedly did not trust myself enough to catch the disc and throw it properly. Countless number of time that the disc had a turnover because of my silly mistakes. :/

AUG. Chances of me getting into this, is really .0000000000001% of getting picked. They were saying that I have nothing to lose.

But is really?

I still have no idea how am I going to do this semester.

So I got a chance to be a third handler today. Which made me realise the hierarchy of playing ultimate. I started off as a wing, which I believe is how you start as you play. You have no idea what you're doing, you still can't catch or throw, you're not sure what to do. It got me really frustrated when I was there, cause I was absolutely jealous of all the others doing cuts and pops to get the disc moving, while I just stand there making space and not clog up space. Most of the time I'd feel useless.

Then when we start catching discs, we begin to greed for the disc even more. When we get to do the first cuts, that is when I feel like I 'graduate' from my wing position. Though really everyone else would start off as cutters, got me really jealous LOL. From there, I told myself that I would leave the cuts for better cutters while I just wing and run deep.. but most of the time I'll only stay in the stack and move along with the disc, only cutting when everyone has cleared out. :X

Today, being a third  handler requires trust from better players who are 'well groomed' handlers to help him or her out. Got me really nervous though. For a person who has moderate throws, they don't work well under pressure. Not to forget trying to get free from the defender just to get the disc.. this one is DIFFICULT. But I think the fact that the cutters are in distress makes me feel like I should do my best to help them, actually helps me. But I feel so  happy to get this chance of trying out handler. :D only need to work on my confidence with proper cuts and better catches and throws. Yeay!

28 July 2013

I am always feeling left out at every single thing that is happening around me. In a way, that made me choose to be a loner more than mixing around with people and have a little interaction. I really wish I have an answer to why I am being ridiculously retarded in this particular sense, cause I do know that this retarded feeling of mine is not doing me any good at all. What am I going to do? When there are more than three people within a group which includes me, I'll completely shut down and just sit there and listen to what everyone has to say. I feel most comfortable when it is just me and the other person, or at most, two other people. But if there will be a minimum of 4 in a group, I'll just zone out and let them do the talking. If they don't start talking to each other, and there is an awkward silence, I'll just keep talking til they find something common to talk about and that is where I will personally feel like my 'work' here is done, then I'll proceed into zoning out.

Even when there is a social event where there will be people everywhere, I will tend to feel lost, unsure of who I was supposed to talk to or where was I supposed to go, or even WHAT I was to do. I feel so lost, that I had to take a peek at my phone to make it appear that I am not interested in having conversations with people but in fact, I was only distracting myself from that distress that I feel for not knowing what to do. I could see everyone having fun talking to one another, laughing at their conversations and doing whatever they feel like doing. While I just sit there and watch the world move around me as I continue to question myself, what am I going to do now?

It isn't like I didn't want to join the fun.. I just didn't know HOW.

xxx

I survived two days of snow! YEAYYY! In comparison with last year, I think I did improve a little bit in terms of skiing. Today was boring, cause all we did was sleep in the bus. It was probably about 7 hours drive from here to Falls. Considering that we left about 11am from the mountains, reaching home at about 5thirty-ish wasn't too bad I guess. Though I really am dreading my 8am lecture tomorrow. How am I supposed to survive that? LOL

I am actually quite excited to get back to uni.

Correction, I actually don't know what to do.. Should I apply for an intership somewhere, should I find for some voluntary work somewhere, or should I just be my normal self and just do whatever I feel like doing at that particular time. Fact that this may be my last semester where I am actually allowed to do whatever I feel like doing, cause next year is my final year, for sure everything is gonna be more difficult and I have to put in more effort in my academics as well.

I just did a search on internships in Melbourne Zoo, Australia Zoo and several other wildlife conservative places.. It doesn't seem like I can land myself anywhere LOL. Melbourne Zoo doesn't take interns from Monash Uni, Australia Zoo requires interns to have a place to stay on their own, other zoos will prioritise their state's students before others.. there aren't much things for me to do.. are there?

Mehhh..

I'll figure it out eventually..

27 July 2013

What is wrong with me?

Reminds of my 'British' friend who caught me at my retarded moment and asked 'what is wrong with you?' in the purest British accent I have ever heard in my entire life in person. Got me cracking up for a pretty long time. Just proves how much of a retard I am. LOL

Do you know when you feel awkwardly placed, like you feel like you are not where you should be at all? No?

Somehow today I just had that feeling where I didn't want to have any interaction with anyone at all. I got up from bed about 8am and got out my room bout 8.15am, just in time to have breakfast before it ended. Day didn't start up too well, cause I was asking for bacon and that bitch told me to wait and never returned while all the glorious bacon strips were just right there in front of her before she left me hanging there. >:( I didn't get my bacon this morning. :(

Was actually thinking about not going up the slopes at all today. But I somehow did, and I ended up spending the entire day skiing instead. I got conned, thinking that I can conquer blue tracks already. Until I saw how steep it was and recalling on how terrible my ski control skills are, I was ready to take my skis off and walk all the way down of that particular slope. But instead, this nice guy named Martin decided to unbuckle his snowboard and climbed back to where I was. He then encouraged me to be confident in myself and that I can actually do it. Guess what? I actually did survive and reached the bottom without falling. Though I felt really bad that he had to be so patient with me, just so I can get down this slope with my skis. :)

I am so sore and tired, my head kinda hurts too.

I survived blue runs.

26 July 2013

As expected, I barely slept in the bus. Was also pretty bulked up and ready to go skiing right after we left the bus for the accommodation. We couldn't check in, so we had to just get our ski stuff and went straight up the slopes.

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.. I'm so tired.

But yes, my yolo-ness made me want to try out the intermediate class, level 4. Technically skipping two levels on whole cause I missed level 2 last year and I just went and have my own lessons on my own. The level 4 class today took us mastering parallel skiing and how to tie it in with the slopes as we turn. Got me shocked that we to go down an intermediate level slope when I haven't even tried it before. Most terrible feeling was that I wasn't brave enough, I couldn't get myself to grasp it quick enough and I was slowing everyone's progess too. :( I felt really terrible that I just dropped out and went on slopes on my own.

Hrmmm..

I guess in my case, I would learn better if I do it at my own pace. Then again, it kinda does feel lonely going down the slopes by myself. Heh.

Because I was so tired, I decided to give up on skiing and came back for my room. As soon as I got settled into my room, I fell asleep almost immediately til dinner time. So, that's like from 4 to 6.30 that I was asleep while the chairlifts stops at 5pm. Pretty much wasted two hours of skiing there. But my knee was already aching! Thought it wasn't really worth causing myself more unnecessary pain LOL.

Okay, I feel bad for not being entirely excited about this ski trip. I blame myself for being so silly and 'arrogant' for wanting to go for that level 4 class and realise I wasn't even ready for it at all. :/

10.20pm
There's nothing to do right now. Feels kinda odd and out of place. I succumbed into writing this blog whilst sitting amongst people, while I kept thinking 'err, I think I should go to bed nowwww..'

I have bad people skills >:(

25 July 2013

Bullshit. Why didnt I save it?! Omg. -.- I wrote like freggin three sentences of shit and it disappeared. Makes me crai everytaim. T.T
Screw you blogger app for not auto saving and making my life miserable!!

I guess I wil have to start over again then..

Damnit. Its so frustrating :((((((((

But anyhoo, I was only mentioning about my thoughts on how I fared last semester and what I would have to change this semester.

I still couldn't really come with a conclusion of what actually happened last semester. Maybe I should try listing it out..
- gained more guts to speak out for what I think is right
-  depended less on people for help
- played ultimate more seriously
- yolo trying to take up as many responsibilities as I can
In a way, I think I focused too much on trying to find and have a social life here. I think I tried too hard, cause I actually felt much lonelier than before. Derp.

Looking at the unit guides for this semester, I forsee that I am going to struggle through it as well. Kinda makes me feel like I should take a break from studying. But knowing myself, I would probably just stone in bed till the end of time. Have I said this before? It feels as though I have said this before. But owh well, my head is always repeating stuff if I fail to find a solution to it. HAHAHAHAHA. shit.

A celebration for MUF for getting bronze at SUGs, a dinner at Shanghai Village and then a chill out session at a bar in Melbourne Central. Just a quick question, why do the aussies like DUMPRINGS so much? My table had like an order of ten dumpling dishes. Mind blown and everyone was just happily eating them dumplings. Though I have to admit, I wouldn't eat them dumplings if I were given the choice to choose a dish. But LOL dumplings dumplings dumplings dumplings and moar dumplings. Hahahahaha. They were by far the 'best' ones I have seen and eaten here in Melbourne. But I still don't get the craze. HAHAHAHAHA. The Chinese food here really can't get as authentic as those we have back at home, or from China itself. Like duhh, who I kids? But I guess its the closest thing we can get. Also, this is the one Asian restaurant where I don't see Asians as patrons other than the waiter and waitresses, which made me even more curious. Hrmmm..

The celebration was alright I guess. Urhh.. my bad for not knowing how to interact with people. What is wrong with meh?! D; It's like I couldn't even be bothered trying to communicate with people and I am convinced that I would just bore them and the conversation would just end up a.w.k.w.a.r.d.. Had my share of Harajuku Crepe between the transition between dinner and drinking venue. HEHEHEHEHE. Alone time with food, such bliss. Vanilla ice-cream with strawberries and whipped cream within a green tea flavored crepe. YUMZ. :) Made me a happy girl for a moment before I rejoined the crowd and more stoning moments on my own.. all I did was just sit there and listen to what everyone has to say and laugh when something funny comes up. Oops.

Owh wells. You know what impressed me? These aussies know how to use chopsticks. Hahaha! Makes me feel like I am a failed Asian for not being able to use the chopsticks properly. Good job, people!:)

On the bus towards Falls Creek now. I think I am satisfied with the decision to pack everything into the bigger luggage instead. At least I got to pack an extra fat jacket, just in case my ski jacket gets smelly or soaked. But I am pretty it's gonna be a hassle carrying it from the bus to  the accommodation. WELL, MAN UP! RAWR?

I already miss my bed and my Pengy. My Pengy is a penguin plush toy I got from Sea World who I absolutely adore and will feel agitated when I don't have it in my arms when I sleep at night. Can't figure if it's a female or a male yet, but I think it's better leaving it unknown.. somewhat special LOL PENGYYYYYYY <3

Uni starts on Monday, with an 8am lecture and followed by a 3 hours break.. before another hour of lecture and then another hour of break to a three hours lab.. Here's one thing for sure, I ALREADY DON'T LIKE IT AND WILL PROBABLY COMPLAIN ABOUT IT WHOLE SEMESTER. Okayyy..

Blog from the snow?
Goodnight ♡

24 July 2013

I think so hard before I give an answer, yet I still wasn't sure if it is the right thing to do or otherwise. It is as though I have lost my own voice to speak and would have to rely on someone else to do the talking for me, or to distract attention away from me. Lonely times has been a good friend of mine. I'd be happy to drift away to my own world, and just sleep through the day and pretend nothing is happening. That is in fact, pretty terrible. Play the 'people' card, or the 'yolo' card, pretending that my individual card doesn't exist at all.

Wouldn't that be cool though? Using power cards to live life in this world? Then of course, it is just plain unrealistic. For all you know, I could be dr. Jekyll and mr. Hyde on different times of the day and still remain unknown to people. Hahahahaha. What a dramatic life that would be.

Finally I get to stay home and spend some time with my housemates. It has been forever since I stayed home and actually have some moments with them. It also has been forever since we actually sat down and play card or board games together, we'd then laugh at ourselves when we make a wrong move and allow the other person to win. I find it rather daunting playing with them.  This is where I elapse and play the 'people' card and just play to fill in space so that the game would be more interesting. But of course I still will play my best, it's just very unlikely that I will win against them; especially if I overthink it. Kinda spoils the fun for myself and possibly for them too. :X

Going up the mountains tomorrow midnight. I really do think I am feeling not-too-excited about it. 13 degrees down here on flat land and I am already freezing. Not sure if I am bringing enough things to keep me warm while I am up there. Maybe I should just stay in bed for the rest of the day. That is if they have heater that is functioning well. But everyone will be out in the snow having fun. :O it will be one year ago since I last went up there, I really thought I wouldn't go up again. But hey ho, look whose going up there again? LOL OHHHH.. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO. Fingers crossed I'll survive. :X

Should I pack more and have a heavier load to carry just so I have enough things to keep me warm, or just go with necessities and hope that I won't die and be a princess about the cold? Hrmmm..

Cards. Wild card. Aren't they fun? lol

23 July 2013

Starting to think that daily blogging might be a little insane. Then again, I am probably not me if I am not insane.

So I subbed in for Melbourne U's team yesterday on Monday Night League. Decided that it really was the better decision to not be fully dedicated to it this semester. With me filling in, I don't feel obligated that I MUST be there and hope that we would have enough players to not forfeit the game. Everytime before I stand in line for the game, I'll go 'I don't want to playyyyyyyyy'. But this was that one place where I knew almost everyone and can make a complete fool of myself and still be completely fine. HRMMM. Played a savage game as we didn't have enough girls. Thought my stamina improved alot, was a little proud of myself after the game ended. Hehe 180mins full on! Then of course I still needed to improve on my throws and my cuts. Bleargh.. I wondered what was my purpose in a ultimate team today. I came with a conclusion that I am just a joker on the team. It's not like I have no idea what is going on, but because of my inexperience, I wasn't sure if I was actually thinking the right thing. So, I guess becoming a joker is okay.. :X

My second year second sem timetable has been released, and I really have to thank my lovely housemate for helping me get it so beautifully done once again! I had a Monday off last semester, and now I have a Thursday off instead. It isn't a bad thing, considering I have 3 pretty packed days, having a day off out of the whole week is just fun.fun.FUN! Though I secretly hope that my future me will make perfect use of that day and to study whatever that I would have learned for the previous hectic three days. Then I might or might not have a lab for my physio unit on Fridays. Keeping my fingers crossed that it will be fortnightly, just like last semester, then I can secretly have Fridays off too! WHEEEEEEEEEEE ~!

I also made the decision to resign from the Grand Malaysian Ball committee. I have to admit that it may not be a wise decision to do so, but I feel convinced that they would work out something that would be much better than my own initial plans. It also didnt feel right for me to stay on and I was giving myself unnecessary stress when I know very well that all these attention should be channeled to my studies instead. That relief when I reminded myself that I no longer have to think about it anymore.

CAUSE I HAVE OTHER THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT.. gg.

Mmh. What do I do? :/

I got to destress today though. Went on a little trip to Mornington Peninsula. A random walk on the wildlife reserve park, then to Point Nepean for a little stroll on the beach, then our highlight of the day; Peninsula Hot Springs. Ehehehehehe. How peaceful does that sound? As peaceful as it is, I am feeling absolutely worn out right now, I can easily slip into a long and deep sleep any moment now.. heh :)

Will be going up to the mountains for snow this weekend. Not sure if I am looking forward to it. More terrified of how I won't be able to brake on my skis in time and just fall off the track and will never be found again. LOL. We'll see about that. :)

I realise I have been rather stuck with my conversations these days, somewhat between 'I don't know if I am saying the right thing' and 'I am not sure if you'll get what I am saying'. I'll end up stuttering while I make the decision to say what I want to say next, whether I should just blurt it or make some shit up and it doesn't make any sense so it becomes some meaningless random shit. Ooh. I'd say it's because I get ultra sensitive wondering if people actually care about what I say or they'd just forget what I say just like every other random day to day jibber. Hrmmm..