Meeting new people allows me to learn more about people and ponder monte about what I would want and what I would not want in my near future.

This time, I have spent a week with a dear friend of my mom's in Auckland. To be honest, I just came along not having any expectations about anything at all. Whether if I had to stay in for the entire time or if it was a full blown trip, I'd be fine either way. What struck me was the fact that my mom's friend seem like she wanted to bring us about yet at the same time she seemed abit burdened by it. Maybe it's my mom that secretly expects to be treated well or maybe there's something that I don't know that is happening between the two.

Relationships between people can be very messy and complicated. Sometimes I wonder why it is necessary for us to mingle with people when truthfully, it is all just 'you benefit me in some way and I can tolerate your requests' feeling in most of the relationships. For my mom and I, it really is difficult dealing with each other sometimes, especially since we haven't been spending quality times together.

I mean it's ridiculous that my mother and I bicker about me eating and what not when the family that we live with has a daughter of 12 years old have no problems with anything. I felt embarrassed at myself for being however my life has brought me. That ten years gap felt really strange and I wanted the best for her, hoping she doesn't end up with the bad things that I still had in me. Yet at the same time it's so hard to balance between being interesting and fun to a kid instead of boring the crap and scaring them with the reality of life. One thing though, I could not remember that I was that carefree when I was at that age. Possibly quiet as heck due to my fear for everything around me. At least happier for not knowing that seeking happiness is a thing now. Back then, happiness was all that we had.

Mom's friend's sister is 51 and is currently looking for a mate. Her daughter is getting married next year with a french guy. And her cat with her ex boyfriend of 7 years died today. Apparently she didn't cry as bad when her mother died. Huh. Look how much information I got out of being here only for 4 days. :/ sometimes I wish I didn't have to know all these family dramas. I mean I'd feel embarrassed letting people know how my mother and I interact with each other. She still sees me as a child and I refuse to grow up; the perfect combination for embarrassment.

I dislike that my mom sees me as a kid but I know I can't help it sometimes. We bicker over ridiculous things like 'give it to her, she'll eat it' when I just don't want to eat it anymore. And it would be a bad thing for me to say NO because I'm living in somebody else's home, saying NO is just rude. But even when I say no, mom will still shove it into my plate and I have to eat it. It's a pretty horrible feeling, to feel embarrassed and be embarrassed by your own people. I don't know why we do that. I just want to be away from my mother where I can just be me and not have my mother constantly judging and talking shit about me in front of me. :/

Then again, I see her very rarely, I suppose I can take a couple of hits before I black out. But part pf me wishes that she would just let me grow up already.

Nope. Human life is just complicated as fuck. I just want to return to my own sanctuary and figure myself out on my own. Building self confidence is gonna take a whole lot of me strength. That's hard.

Yeay! I have graduated!

It is a very strange feeling to feel. Lots of questions in my head that I will never have answers to.

This feels really strange typing a blog post on this "new" Samsung  note 4 of mine. Still very satisfied with my s3 really. But I'll have this phone running without a Sim card for the time being, just exploring and possibly playing a couple of games here just to brush it in. The fact that everything syncs back from my previous phone is a little bit scary. Then again, it sort of allows for smoother transition since my previous phone is about the same base and system. Not liking the massive size of note 4 though. No idea how it would fit into my purse. It really is massive! But the photo quality would be something I look forward to.

Mom's here for my graduation! Then my sister decided that it was my active decision in needing to invite her to my graduation. It's a thing with human behaviour isn't it? That need to be invited before you can clear your schedule for that someone. Then again, even when I planned way beforehand some people still manage to duck it up. Thanks autocorrect, you just made me look less vulgar. Kudos to you!

Sometimes I wish I could be somebody important worth people spending some time on. Face to face contact is what I need. It is the only way that I know that people care for me. Well, this reality has gotten me broken for quite a lot but it's  alright. I can feel like I am letting go of this quite thoroughly soon. :)

I got rejected for my first job application  with Melbourne Zoo. Was hopeful but I also knew that this would happen. I applied for an intership with them and got rejected too. Haha. Starting to feel like I probably don't  deserve to be in Melbourne Zoo. But I'll keep trying. Probably by the time I get into Melbourne  zoo, I'd be in a better position to reject them instead. :X

Moving out of my house and into my love's place. Things have been going well for the both of us. Being able to move in with him will give me a chance in getting a PR. We've gone as far as - which are we going to get first when we have our place together; a cat or a dog? He has been amazing and I'm sure he will continue being amazing. I sure do feel lucky having him by my side. :)♡

I realize I can't swype with this phone. The screen is way too massive for swypping. This actually needs to thumbs in order for swift typing. Hrmmm.

To dress up or not to dress up?

Yes?
What kind of dress would I like to wear?

Having scoliosis had made me aware that my crooked back is very visible. Not to forget my bony figure, it would be a bit of a sore to the eyes of people who looks at me. I guess I am guilty of being self bullied by the looks given by people when they have a glance on me. My mind would run wild, imagining all the possible negative things that can be thought of with just the sight of me. Then again, recently I've developed a love for super baggy clothes, most often see-through material where it just dangles off my body frame. That feeling of freedom as though I'm not really wearing anything at all! In a way, it does accentuate the fact that I am skinny but I have been skinny for the past 20 years of my life, I am comfortable with that reality now.

Body hugging material would work on my tall and slender figure, as it would show my sexiness. I've been told off that it reveals my crooked spine and how my bones were pretty much protruding out of my dress. Which made me a little bit aware of when I put on a dress, for these will be the expensive ones and ones that I will wear for several times and it has to bring out the feminine side of me when needed. Maxi dresses works perfectly well on me! It covers up my legs that resembles chicken legs. haha! Maxi dresses makes me feel grand, prim and proper. Recently I'd prefer knee length dresses over short dresses. I realise the short dresses don't really fit me and I am convinced that they are dresses made for petite people.

It's not everyday I would feel the need to feel pretty. In fact, it's never a priority for me to feel pretty almost at all! I'd wear the most horrible colour combination on me as I walk into lectures, or a walk on the street. My main goals on my everyday clothes were comfort and happiness. Clothes that make me feel happy. My skinny frame will mean that I generally feel cold much quicker than anyone else. I tend to invest alot of my money on hoodies and jumpers. They make me feel the happiest! Especially when it's brightly coloured or if its made of comfortable material. hehe

One day, I'd like to wear a bare back dress and flaunt it like it's meant to be worn by me. :)

I hate jeans. They suffocate me.
But really, if I was given the choice, I'd wear my sleeping clothes and walk around freely! :D

#procrastiblogging

I love you.

Finding the perfect one.. it's like waiting to see God in person.

I don't know how people would react to that sentence, but I've already written that. So let that sink in just a bit. :)

When you're single and mingling, looking around for the perfect one to spend the rest of your life with, compared to the time when you're happily in a steady relationship, you will tend to look back at how silly you were. At least in my case, that happened. But it's hard to look back and wondered what possibly went into my mind that lead me where I am today. It could be good and it could be bad. What I knew for sure what that circumstances weren't entirely right and this one happened to be right.

I admit, I used to hope that one day my significant other would treat me like a princess or a queen, be all pampered and happy. That's what I saw growing up, my brother was spending all of his time giving everything to his girlfriend as he possibly could. It made me wonder, why would a guy do that for a girl? Surely the girl is capable of doing things for herself and he is just going out of his way just to please her. Was this a thing that guys must do to get the girl? Show her that he can do everything, despite the trouble and what not? Then when I started college, friends around me were having relationships and were disappearing from the friendship circles. I thought that was just really silly. Why would the girl make him spend so much time with her and not allow him to do whatever he pleases instead of constantly pleasing her?

Girls around me had ideal boyfriend type and were constantly turning down boys who came up to them. Me being boy-ish felt like it was such a waste of time for the boys to fall so deeply in love with a girl who obviously had no fucks about his feelings at all. This was when boys would do almost anything he could possibly do to woo her and she was just not bothered at all. It always felt as though the boys were the unfortunate lost sheep in the relationship while the girls were in total domination most of the time. Then I just got so confused, what is up with girls? Wasn't this what girls wanted all along? Attention, attention and attention?

These things around me then made me realise that I don't want to have a perfect significant other. I 'wanted' someone who I find genuinely nice. As much as I tried staying away from stereotyping, I am still a girl after all.. which means it's still contradicting. LOL

Physiology thought me that people will not bond naturally due to stuff that we can't tell. At least it's one reason that I know seems rather legit that answers these mind boggling girl brains. Pheromones played a cue for the two genders to know whether they would be a good match or not. BUT modern days have added so much external stuff such as money, appearance and material possessions, they mess with the female minds even more. Zoology units have also thought me that it's completely fine for women to be picky with their partners simply because females were the ones producing eggs and going through menstruation and what not. Physiologically, producing egg and the parenting part weighs heavily on females, not so much on males. All the males needed to do was to prove that they have the genetics for her future babies to survive and continue passing the genes down.

I swear studying animals are so much more fun than figuring out humans. I laugh at the things that were being taught in Zoology which I felt related to humans. Like how girls would swoon over good looking men for no real reason. But I guess it just made things easier for me to understand that animals are complicated too! .. just not as complicated as humans. :D

Back to these dating junk.

I never actually saw myself in this relationship until it actually revealed itself. I knew I was attracted to his attributes, I knew I would like to share my life with somebody like him if I had the chance to, but it never once occurred to me that we would actually get together by the end of this courtship. It's funny to think about it. I thought I wasn't up to his standards (that age gap yo). But as months churned by, it became clear to me what relationships should be like and how courtship should have been different. Being in this relationship made me realise things I could not have possibly understood if I did not get to experience it first hand. I understood why my aunt told me to go for it, as long as he seems decent and is nice enough to care for me instead of taking advantage of me. I understood why sometimes parents would not allow certain relationships to happen. I understood why some people find the joy in sharing everything about their love lives - monthsary celebrations and why some people like me despise celebrating monthsaries. I understand why my brother went out of his way to please his now-wife.

I didn't force him to do anything that I wanted, but he knew the things that he do will make me happy. What I learnt, is that he really likes seeing me happy and would do whatever to make me happy. Yeap, I am that grumpy bitch sometimes. Especially when I am about to have my menstruation. I feel guilty that he has to face my random emotions from time to time, but he understands it's not something I can control sometimes. We get frustrated and angry at each other quite frequently but with some food and cuddles by the end of the day, everything will be fine again.

Being in a relationship is about giving and taking, wholeheartedly. Both parties understanding each others limits and giving encouragement or time when necessary. There were couple of times I thought that he shouldn't deserve so much pain from me as I could no longer control my emotions. But he held on tight. We don't agree most of the time; food, time, ideas, thoughts - but we accept them and we compromise. I feel so comfortable that I don't have to dress to impress. Even if I walk out of my house with sleeping clothes on, he'll still find me hot. I still don't agree with him finding me hot, but I accept it. Without knowing it, I found confidence in myself, something I had been struggling to find for a very long time.

Truthfully saying, I don't think there will ever be the perfect one. It's more of finding someone who is willing to go through the good and the ugly of both lives, together. There's still a long way to go, and a whole lot of arguments to resolve. But we'll work our way there and live with what we have at the  moment.

Life has also told me that if a boy really likes you, he really likes you. So ladies, don't take for granted of that. That's just selfish. If you really don't feel like you can gel with him, let him know, let him go BUT make sure you'll never regret this decision by letting him go.

Though truthfully, I can't say which is the best way in finding your way through life. Take a leap of faith, if you must. If things don't go right, try again. The path that you choose, the walk that you take is all depending on you.

Just make sure you don't regret the decision you make.

Getting a 'permit' to stay in Australia is necessary. I knew there were several things that could be done and one of them was potentially a de fecto visa.

But of course, if I could, I should avoid that. There's other visas I could potentially apply for as well.. one, really: work visa. Then again, employers wouldn't want to employ me if I don't have a pr because they will be responsible of applying for my stay in Australia. I, don't have an asset that they need that they have to buy my stay with them. They can easily employ locals.

Turmoil.

But thank you for finally looking into it. At least now I know it's not only me who wants to stay in Australia. At least now I know I have a better chance in staying here too.

Ps. Australia doesn't need an asian zoology graduate. My main reason why applying for a PR alone is not going to work.

The love of my life?
Close behind my love for animals.
Good enough. :)

♡

Current timeline:
November - exam, take in final moments of carefree days
December - mom visit
January - volunteer, visit home
February - move out; new journey

Yeah. I am scared.

How does a person stop struggling?

Why don't people like me?
Why do I feel so lonely?
What's wrong with me?

I realize that there is nothing wrong with me. It's just that I grew up and I learned about what I like and what I don't like about people. I feel uncomfortable pretending that I don't like certain behavior of certain people. I get mildly excited when I feel like the person has a selfless personality.

People will find it difficult talking to me, they don't seem to keen about what I have to say. It would then make me feel like it's best if I wasn't there. Then at least they wouldn't feel like it's a burden to be interested in what I have to say. It's almost like a cascading effect, where I wouldn't feel confident that people like my presence or company, followed by me not wanting to hang out with people to then me not having any social life. I wish I was exaggerating this, but I really am not.

My sister would probably say that I'm just a stuck up bitch not wanting to make friends, with the mentality whereby I am wayyyyyy better than everybody else.

Sometimes I wish that was the case. At least that could be a known fact instead of an unknown reason.

Part of me knows that I am just too tired about this friendship problem that I don't want to ve fussed about it anymore. But at the same time, the adult me knows that friendship and networking is really important.

:(

At the moment, I'm pretty convince that I can live life normally without friends. But I'm sure somewhere down the road, something is gonna hit me in the face to prove that I'm wrong.

8th February 2012 - Melbourne
21st November 2012 - Hobart, Tasmania
June 2013 - Brisbane, QLD
June 2013 - Gold Coast, QLD
August 2013 - Brisbane, QLD
August 2014 - Gold Coast, QLD
August 2014 - Brisbane, QLD
27th September 2014 - Sydney, NSW

YEAY!
Now, I wanna go Cairns.

I just realised that I will have to eventually break myself into three parts;

My mom
My aunt
Future in laws

Why can't I ever get anything right?
People are scoring their tests and assignments left and right, while I am only good with marks between 50-70. Never anything above 70. Why can't I just be smarter or something?

It's not like I don't want to get god marks, it's a feeling where I am not sure if I am doing the right thing.

I sit and I worry about the things that I am not getting right and I can't actually figure out what exactly I am missing or what I am not doing right. People keep saying that there's no right or wrong to things, but my results have been returning and proving me that I am pretty much wrong at everything. It's like I don't have a sense of direction on where I am supposed to head to. I'm just sitting here, trying to figure my way out.

I don't do things last minute either. I would work on it as soon as I can because I know I am normally unsure of what I am doing. At least when I start my work earlier, I can give myself more time to think about what I am doing instead of just bluntly handing in a report that was not thought of and probably has no content.

Yet, still I am not getting it.

I would work hard for my assignments and test and I still get the same results as I would if I went in without any prior preparation. It really does feel like I am wasting all my time putting in so much effort into something that wasn't fruitful. It's frustrating. It really is frustrating.

I think the worst part is that I didn't really know how to ask questions as well. I would feel extremely afraid of asking questions, thinking they may be obvious questions or answers to and that I would appear dumb and would have wasted their time and effort on me.

I just feel like I can't get anything right.

Week 8 starts tomorrow.

I am tired already. :(

I have to feel thankful that I didn't take any subjects that are too time demanding this time around though. Really feeling that it's a good thing cause my tiredness is not because of the fact that I am drowning with assignments so far, which is really good. At least now, it's just me feeling tired and I know I can bounce back up when I get enough rest.. or enough life stuff, whatever the sims literally needs to actually be happy.

I thought Sims was more of a game and not much of a life. But it does make sense in a way. You need to make your Sims work, you need to come home, eat, shower, empty your bladder while squeezing in entertainment as well as social life all within a short span of days. IF you neglect one aspect of the Sim; leaving it to turn red, your Sim pretty much flips on you. One thing though, it seems really funny that they are flipping AT YOU because you are making them feel like that. But in reality, when you're really tired of shit, who do you flip at? 

I honestly am still struggling with my physiology. I am just flipping at myself for making myself do something that I don't understand or am feeling slightly against. The use of animals in terms of discovering the different human bodily functions are just a little heart breaking sometimes. The medicine, the lesions and addition of other stuff into the body of mice, rats and sheeps.. all just for humans to learn more about the effects of different things can do to the body. It's unethical to do it on humans, apparently. But I guess that's why doctors were mostly given the green light in actually bringing the 'cure' to life by having placebo trials on humans - who think that they could potentially live if they have a go at this new 'cure'. Then again, these methods were tested shit loads of times on animals before making sure that it was OKAY to be used in humans. Like seriously, if people die in terms of medical trials, it's okay but mass murder or war is seemingly fine. 

I probably don't make any sense. But I couldn't be bothered, really. I just wanted to speak my mind.

This is what happens when I don't have friends to hang out with.

Also, I freak out at the fact that I have to make new friends who I know has a higher likelihood of not lasting long. 

So.. no, I don't have a channel to talk about weird shit and stuff that are pretty much bothering my mind.

Renaissance Europe is pretty fun.

Nutrition is okay, it's just so dry 90% of the time..

Animal Behaviour is abit crappy for me because it clashes with my physiology lecture times -.-

Australian Vertebrates is pretty fun so far, but labs were boring... 

I have been having much enthusiasm about turning up to almost all the lectures this semester. Which is a real turn around from last two semesters. HAHAHA But as a consequence to that, it made me feel like it's such a waste of time to travel home and to sit down and have a meal on my own. Which also means, my timetable everyday would be me spending 12 hours in uni from 9am to 9pm (when the library closes). You can imagine how much money I use and how much weight I have lost because of this. Also not to forget the amount of 'NO SOCIAL TIME' I have these days.. 

You may see it as me complaining and not taking initiative to look for company and relieve some social lonesome in me, but I really don't know how to do it. 

Can you imagine if I really need to meet up with someone, just to speak my heart out but I get rejected because that person is apparently busy with assignments and life as well. I mean.. I get it that they are busy and all, but I only look for people when I really need it and I don't want to appear as a burden to people - 'oh my god, I have to spare some time for this woman because she needs me URGHHHHH'. That's just.. heartbreaking.

Also, I would not agree with you if you say that I have a problem in me that is just making people hate hanging out or spending time with me. 

Should I be apologizing to you for being whoever I feel true to myself or even you? 

I believe I will be graduating end of this year as well. I am not too excited about it.

Because I cannot imagine what I should be feeling - happy and wanting to share my happy moments with people who cares for me, or sad because people who I wish to share my happy moment with wouldn't even want to be there..? 

Or would you say - graduation only what, everyone also graduate nowadays, it's not a big deal 

ok. 

I'm still going to graduate, because to hell with it. 

I want to see what's gonna happen. 

Hello bloggie

I found out a good friend of mine still reads my blog just so she knows what is up with my life. It'd be great if I get to keep her as a friend for a long time. It's a very nice feeling to have, knowing that someone still cares for you despite not having constant contact over a long period of time.

Life has been pretty good to me so far. It was more of me trying to enjoy every final moment I have as an undergraduate in Monash. No regrets, no regrets at all. Even with me being away from ultimate frisbee, it showed me who really cares and what really matters. My angsty feeling was overboard last semester, but it was me trying to figure things out. At least I have some bits sorted.

I love how the Sun is making its appearance again! :)

Guess what? I'm one week away from 'graduating' from MUMSU! I've spent two whole years with MUMSU and am glad that I made that decision to be a committee with MUMSU. This year was much better as we somehow managed to communicate more and understood the concept of which we were trying to achieve. I also got a easier role. Haha! I like that.

I guess this is another phase about letting go and taking a step forward to another 'life'. It's good to know that this was a transition stage with the fun bits being the fun bits and the painful bits being the learning pieces.

Australia is a great place for me to learn. There isn't any pressure, everything is peaceful and there are all kinds of people around. One will generally feel the need to be a better person, simply because everybody is just so nice here.

It seems abit silly that I have finally gotten used to my life here just at the brink of another drastic change. Everything seems to be changing. Year 1 was exciting with everything new to try and explore. Year 2 was the stagnant year where most of the things had been explored and you're trying to find more things to explore yet at the same time knowing you still have another year to go. Year 3 is the acceptance phase as well as the 'freak out,  you need to grow up!' phase.

I have faith that I'll graduate this year. Things seems fine so far. Yeap.

See you at my graduation?

I'm always trying to run away.

But I have nowhere else to run away to.

There couldn't be possibly much different from a new place than where I am right now.

Why am I still having that feeling?

Good morning

Things had been good so far. I don't feel like I absolutely hate my life at the moment. This feeling is pretty amazing.

Today, I read a post by a friend on Facebook mentioning how he regretted studying what he studied and could not figure out how to tell his parents about it. It made me feel like talking about a whole lot of things and I didn't know where I could talk about it without looking like someone whom the people will hate. Yeah. The struggle is real. I have so much to say but nowhere to channel my thoughts to. :/

I feel like the asian mindset is trapped in a particular way that anything that strays, jutting out of this trap will only get burned badly. Everything has to be in order, everything has to be perfect, MONEY is the most important bit about life! Not to mention the biasness and the sneaky things that people do to certain group of people of their liking. I just feel like everything is unfair back at home. People would work their hardest and get the lowest pay, people who works the least gets bulks of money into their pockets. People who are "poor" gets dissed, people who are slighty well to do spending time with average people gets dissed. What on earth?

no.

I shouldn't go on.

But it's frustrating. :(

I'm just going to have my lunch and go study. This shall be a remnant of the past that I do not wish to talk about.

I am so in love, it's intoxicating.

Friendships are so unpredictable.
You wouldn't think you would lose them. But they are still ships and they would drift away when you don't look or if they've loaded up their anchors without you knowing.

It's been lonely.
Friends back home were peeling off like an onion and friends here aren't those who I have faith in long term friendships.

I'd say there's something wrong with me, because I can't convince myself otherwise. I've learned to appreciate great people whom I will bump into and expect to never see them in my life ever again. That way, whenever I remember them, I remember that inspired great feeling I have from that encounter. I still grieve on drifted friendships though. It feels like it's such a waste that I could not accept the sadness that came along with the parting. Just like how momma always leaves me by the end of her visit, it took me years to accept that momma will never be by my side for a long time.

I fear he will leave me, just like how everyone else did. His company has made me grow into something more than I would have been. I got too scared about making new friends but he encouraged me to go do things despite the fear. Along with those attempts, I've made some great memories with other people and some not so great. But usually, it's the better that happens.

Sometimes I'd blame myself for setting myself up to this estranged situation with my friends from home. We eventually lived different lives and they weren't interested with my foreign endeavors and it was all I had to share. They'd think it would be glitzy and glamorous to be studying abroad, not giving two thoughts with the fact that I literally had no one by my side. I'd yearn for their attention so badly but obviously it only drove them further away.

I left home to follow my dream. In a way, I'm already partially living my dream and I believe I will get where I want to be without letting it go.

I shouldn't regret anything since I am having a dream that is becoming a reality. Right?

I've gotten hostile in terms of friendship too. I'd leave sarcastic comments just because I would feel like they'd deserve to know the kind of pain they could be inflicting onto others, technically.. it's pretty much me projecting my emotions of hate and dislike rather freely. I'd burn "friends" just because I feel like it. I'd gloat at people's petty lives and laugh, thinking that 'thank god I don't hang out with these ignorant people!'.

It's bad. But it makes me feel better after all the pain that I had mentally inflict myself due to friendship issues. It just didn't make any sense why people would have to feel pain because of ignorance. So much pretentiousness. Things just didn't feel as pure as it should anymore. Friendships should be pure and kind, straight from a heart that is genuine.

Living life as I please.

It's joyful in a way, but I have a constant fear where all my happiness will give me a hard bite eventually, just so I regret being this happy.

You can't always be happy, can you?

Me?

I love everything else more than I love myself.

That post deserves to stand on its own.

I loved the whole experience of working in the zoo (eventhough I still find it abit difficult to scoop poop), the fact that I am surrounded by people who are equally passionate (or more) about animals as I am! It's exhilarating. It's definitely not something I can get elsewhere in the entire world! I don't get dissed about the wonders of working in the zoo, I don't have to repeat myself when I have to answer the questions of 'why Zoology?' and reminding people that vets and zoologist are two completely different job scopes.

Plus and negatives, really. I just rather not know anything that has to do with politics in any way possible. But it's inevitable and it's something I have to learn to accept and deal with.

Since I've failed my physiology unit, I really am questioning my past self for being silly. Yet at the same time I understand why I brought myself here. But really, failing isn't worth anything. If at all, I did learn that I regret pushing myself into physiology when I had close to zero interest in. :X

Okay. I'm tired.

New semester. I've got to piece myself together to survive this "final" semester.

Short term goal (within 2014):
- Graduate uni.

Short term goal (by end of 2015):
- At least one more internship in another zoo.
- Temporary Residence.
- First job.

Semi long term goal (within next 5 years):
- Get a job that pays moderately.
(Zoo or air stewardess)

Long term goal (hopefully within 8 years):
- Masters at James Cook
- Assistant Researcher

I get to grow into the adult I want to be.
The power of being 21.

Love.
Kindness.
Patience.

I feel like thrash talking. But at the same time I know that it's not good to do so. Yet it itches me so bad.

"The bird house was the most horrible place I've ever worked in. I don't know what kind of people they are. They seemed really snobbish when I was there and weren't friendly like every other sections I've worked in. They all look as if I owe them something when I am actually helping them with their work, especially that one guy.

Oh ya, I only have one day in each sections because of my allergy. I don't know what it is, but it makes me itch really bad. So now I am spending most of my time in the office. Yeah, I can't spend too long with the animals, this allergy is really bad."

I reworded them in my best ability in depicting what she looked like while telling me those things. Lol. Her face. Ahhhhhhhhhhh.. where do I begin?

I absolutely loved the bird house. I thought everyone there was really friendly and easy going. Everyone there jokes with each other once in a while. Also this guy that she mentioned, happened to be my favorite out of everyone in this section. Being there, I sort of understood how she got that cold feeling from them. It takes time to feel comfortable in a new place, maybe she just happened to step in their section at a wrong time. Plus the fact that they had quite a packed schedule, they would be rushing and focused alot on their work. I guess I knew when to ask certain questions at appropriate times to allow them to open up a little more which made it a little easier for me to settle in here.

The itch. I would assume its the same itch I get almost everyday. It was really itchy, but I knew what it was and I just bared with it. They were mosquito bites. Its the lush greenery of this zoo which is so similar to a forest that the absence of mosquitoes would feel out of place. I learned that wearing long sleeves was the best solution. Leaving any skin bare will mean itch for the entire day. It's really sad to know that she is happy working in the office than actually working out in the field doing hard work. What a waste.

I really wish Darwin's evolution worked way earlier and just kicked Pandas out of the picture before people paid so much attention to them. Seriously, everything about them is just screaming for extinction. But because they are too adorable, and people noticed that if these adorable creatures are gone.. the world could possible come to an end.

Look at how the bees are magically disappearing.
Look at how hard the polar bears are fighting for survival.
OH. You're still eating shark's fin?
Right, dingoes are just dogs?
Yeah, the tigers are probably going to eat you if they overpopulate.

I crai everitaim.

I am not sure how to accept thome reality that I have failed one unit this semester.

I only remember that my sister had been nagging at me telling me I should play less and get a part time job. Since I didn't feel like I had the time to get a part time job, so I decided to stop 'playing'. Who wouldn't be afraid after a scare in the previous semester where I managed to pass on the dot. Maybe she was right.

I panicked at every little things I had to do. Assignments and lectures. Those were the main focus I had that semester. I refused to go out, I refused to play ultimate, I lost interest in everything including eating. Every little problem became a bigger issue that it should have. They were all unnecessary, and somehow gotten its way into my studying routine.

Maybe I knew it was too much for me to handle. I knew I wasn't feeling quite right about this semester halfway through the semester. Something was just telling me that no matter how much effort I am prioritizing in this, things weren't going to work out.

I don't know what went wrong but everything about it didn't seem right at all.

Maybe I was lacking of a mood booster, something that would encourage me to make me feel that I was not a failure.

'Now that you're extending one semester, there's no excuse for you not to get a part time job'.

I think I would feel better failing when I played. At least I know what the culprit is. But I wouldn't have felt so terrible because it was the best that I could've done. I regret that decision to stop playing ultimate. I felt like my soul had got sucked out of my body. I thought I was doing myself a favor, something to guarantee my place in the future.

But all I did was cry everyday.

You wouldn't want to admit that you have depression.

1. It scares you.
2. It scares the people around you.
3. Nobody will truly understand what it really is.

But its so common these days.
I can feel it ruining my relationships, literally crushing every existing relationships that I had build. Surely people were leaving me for a reason, but I never understood what it was. I only knew that people were leaving and that there was something wrong with me.

Is this really depression or is this me making things up?

I realised how much of a weight a person could feel when dealing with another person who has so much emotions and thoughts. It's unnoticeable but it weighs the receiving part a whole lot that it could drown them. However for the delivering part was good because I felt like I was relieving a certain level of pain from inside and that I thought this person listening understood everything I was saying. If I hadn't had that friend who listened through all my pain, I would have been who I am today instead of that jolly, happy, 'there's no problem in the world that could bring me down' kind of person. I had friends whom I thought understood the kind of pain I was going through. But it was a different story for them.

I've read pages on google regarding depression and how it affects the people around them. That the negativity that was vomitted by the depressed could be understood and accepted in a different approach. Normal people would feel that the depressed required a whole lot of emotional support while being drained of emotional support for him/herself.

I guess in a way, it's one sided. But in reality, I can feel as though it was my only way through to feel like a normal person. It's not until recently that I realised how draining it was on those people who I would deem has saved my life. I had been selfish without wanting to be selfish, I had been chasing people away without realising it.

I guess I can fix this.
I just don't know how.

The pain doesn't just vanish as I wish. It may be an imaginary pain that I am feeling, but it doesn't mean I don't feel it. I can feel like I don't belong in this life, that I am better off dead. But I know I have a responsibility to stay alive.

2006.
2007.
2010.
2011.
2012.
2013.
2014.

I remember things that need not be remembered or brought back to present day. I constantly replay on how things could have been different. I constantly use past examples to remind myself on how to avoid from allowing the past to repeat itself.

I don't feel very well.

Maybe it's for the best.

I feel like I am battling a war that only I can feel and see. It's like I somehow imagine this war as a real thing, but it's evidently not happening. My imaginations and mind are in tune and the war I am trying to win, is a my happiness and peace.

I don't know how I could explain myself for someone else to know and understand this feeling of mine. It's too late. There's no one left.

I miss you so much.

I think it's me wanting to make sure that you're constantly in my mind, otherwise if I lose sight of you I might believe that you're no longer there.

Attachment issues. :(

Finding my true self is probably my hardest challenge.

Whenever I feel happy doing something, I will immediately think that I am doing the wrong thing if someone makes a negative comment of it. It is that difficult for me to understand and accept myself as a person.

Give an example, how I feel about my internship in a zoo. I feel happy being able to interact with the animals here. When they feed, I would project happiness due to the eagerness in wanting to eat when we have to feed them. The keepers talk about the animals and how different animals have different attitude. How the animals react to the keepers actions, they all seem really amazing and mesmerising to me. It made me feel, ' if an animal were to interact with me in that way, it would probably made my day no matter how terrible it is. The fact that I could get paid just so I can be in close contact with the animals makes me feel calm. At least I can do a work that wouldn't feel like work to me.

But when I interact with people and have a conversation about my experiences and share my thoughts and views of what I am experiencing, it feels disappointing. It feels as though they would never understand what I am trying to tell them. It's either they think that their knowledge is enough or is the right thing, or they are just not interested. Interactions like these do dampen me a little.

Part of me feels as though I am the mad person who is only interested in animals while everybody else is busy with their own lives. It's as though the quality of their life is more important than anything else in the world. Money and happiness is generally what everybody is chasing after.

Am I doing the right thing, or am I not?
Am I heading the right direction or am I driving myself towards failure?
What will I be, once I am done with my degree?
What profession will I have as a career?
Will I like my job?

I got laughed at for cleaning poo.
I saw that coming but I wasn't prepared to be upset at the reality of the teasing.

People will see what they want to see.

I guess I am just the retarded one who refuses to follow what everyone else is looking at.

I am a rebel to myself. Urgh. :/

Fml. I might die looking at all the SUGs photos and statuses. :(

Well, it was one of my most memorable moment of 2013! And I can't believe I am missing out this year! But I guess I have to sacrifice somethings, because I can't possible get everything.. right? Look! I am working in a Zoo! It's a childhood dream come true. :) Plus, I've got my fair share of fun at SUGs last year already! I should feel blessed that I got that opportunity! :)

Exam results are coming out next weekend? I think so. I am crossing my heart that I'd get at least one Distinction for the effort that I've given last semester. If I do get the Distinction, I will probably feel like its a reward from God or something. But if I still can't get it.. I'll probably be very disheartened. HRMMMMMM.

I've had issues about me wanting to graduate. I thought that if I didn't graduate, it would be better. But I guess I should just ignore everything, stoo giving myself so many excuses and just graduate. But I am still reluctant to pay for the robe. -.-

Whose coming for my grad?

I had a dream where the world was attacking me for some reason. But I had two powers this time! :D

- invisibility
- flying

And I have to have the sun to 'charge' my abilities. When I am invisible, I glitter. LOL
Despite the number of times that I have a flying ability in my dreams, I never really ever master that skill. :/

Sometimes being nice will annoy the crap out of people. What am I supposed to do when that happens?

When I do things to allow myself some happy feelings but it ends up annoying people, does it mean I should just be selfish and not give a crap about anything at all? When people need help and I'd be happy to provide benefits for them, yet it is actually something common and not worth the effort because it isn't recognized. I'd get so frustrated when I give and nobody takes them with gratitude. It makes me feel like my effort isn't worth anything and that makes me sad.

I don't want to live for my own benefit because I can't see how me being my only company can help me improve myself as a person. I'd rather have someone, people around me as references on how it would be to live an ideal life, listening through people's problems and learn more about the life in a way.

... nvm.

Let's just assume you don't know me and I will be somebody whom you will find completely uncomfortable to have a conversation with. :)

I've lost so much weight. :(

The one and only sports bra that I bought for myself within that bunch of lorna jane goodies, I couldn't fit. Which means I had to return and get a refund. Hopefully I get to find something that I'd really like sometime in the future when I do find time to stroll by South Wharf for some discounted goodies.

Yeah. Shopping should be a sin. I get excited when ever I see something on sale. I'd find a way to splurge on that. Especially now when its the end of financial year sale here in Melbourne. All them glorious sales everywhere!

Though here's a question I couldn't quite understand; how is it possible for me to not bother if I don't eat for a couple of days in a row?

To be clear, I am not trying to "diet" in restricting my consumption or even try to save money. I just don't feel like eating. I had to be eager about eating before I can get myself to eat something. Even when I feel hungry, I ignore the growl and slight pinch and move along. Well I guess part of it is that I haven't been doing much activities that requires a whole lot of energy. All I do is wake up, figure out my day and then set on to do my assignments or studies. Honestly, I have lost all my energy that I can't even run a short distance anymore. I'd rather do an activity that uses more brains than energy now. That's kinda scary.

midnight rambles

People don't read my blog.

Do you suppose it's because its the presented in a way that I am who I am in person? Is it because people don't find me interesting as a person? Or is it because I am as annoying as I am in person, I just don't get the hint? Should I apologise for who I am? When I am struggling to find myself while trying to live life normally..? 

I fear what the future may bring. I need to start living life. Movies makes more sense to me these days, and I fear that the future would turn out as the movies are showing. Then again, movies had to be movies. If there's no drama and no emotional connection between the movie and the people who watches it, then a movie isn't a movie. Despite how movies are trying to show us different lives and the reality of what could be, people will never remember what they say today. It's better to even not bother about the past and live for the present and not worry about the future. But how is that even achievable in the first place? There isn't exactly one rule or a guide book to follow, everything is dependent on how you react and respond that that particular problem at that particular point of time. 

I shall try picking up some life quotes and put my thoughts into it. It is after all my opinion, I have nothing to hide. But of course, that is dependent on whether you want to read it or not.

"The most important thing is to enjoy your life - to be happy - it's all that matters."
If one chooses to enjoy life and to be happy, it is as good as ignoring the qualms of life.
I've tried this 100 day happy post thing once during my first year in uni. It wasn't a trend, but I tried achieving certain things, it was '10 things that made me happy today' and I posted them on Twitter. I felt as though I was trying very hard to find things that would make me happy even for a small tiny moment that made me feel pathetic by the end of the month. People who looked at it and were liking the effort that I was putting in, thinking that my life is 'happy' but I was feeling like I was putting on a show instead. Why couldn't I truly feel happy? Appreciating the little things that made me feel nice, it made me look at things differently. But as I was looking at things differently, something else changed along the way and I saw a lot of things that made me set a mindset on the things that I don't like instead. It's like, 'well, this isn't going to make me happy, I am not going to do this. I know what makes me happy, and I will only do that'. That's not really healthy. Now when I don't like something, I tend to make a huge fuss about how it's insane that something could make them happy but it looks utterly selfish to me.

"Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated."

I saw a video about how a homeless man got a house thanks to the community on the internet that wanted to help him out. The pure happiness in his face was priceless. Even right now, I am just making my life complicated just by thinking about it. But when I watched that video, part of me felt jealous that he was appreciative of whatever that is given to him and he doesn't complain one bit, refuse to take a single cent when he was offered the money. Why can't I just live life thinking it's just a simple thing? I've spent my short life knowing that I need to plan my way through life, otherwise I will never get anywhere. At 16, I knew I wanted to be where I wanted to be today. I was way ahead of everyone else at my age. At 19, I already planned out my course through my 3 years in uni, which units I wanted to do and I had everything planned out. But right now, I need to graduate and start looking for a job. Where am I going to go, what am I going to do? How is life really simple at this point of time? 

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."
I'd like to know how. Right now I feel like my past is the only thing that I can learn from to prevent myself from screwing up my future. Maybe it's because I can't feel like the present is doing me any good at the moment. But the present is equally as important.. because if the present doesn't happen, then the future won't happen. Present is the doing-phase and future should be the dream-phase. The past doesn't prove who you are today as a person, the past should be a driving force to who you are today. To be who were, to be who you want to be. I don't know. 

I can't do anymore quotes. 

I've felt bliss and calmness (occassional panic attacks here and there) within these past three weeks as I only had one goal in mind; to pass this semester. 

There's too many harsh reality present problems that I find very difficult to accept. Well, they are only an issue if I let it be an issue. But me allowing them to be an issue happens more often that I should. I've probably gone mental a couple of times this semester. I've gone to sevencupsoftea.com and they tell me that I should seek professional help. I guess it was generally self pity, trying to seek comfort in some way. It really is tiring fending myself and I can't let go of my past. Looking at it, I have been harsh to myself for far too long. The moment I let go of myself, is the moment that I fall into the depths of no return. I don't feel like I deserve anything that I have. Even if I have them in my hands, I would believe that they will slip out of my hands soon enough. Things I used to have, believing they are true and would last forever would fade into nonexistence as the years go by. People change, feelings change. 

I'm different. 

I don't feel comfortable knowing that people look at me differently, most often almost non-existent. People don't like different. People like different. People don't like me. Only a small speck of people will like me. It's odd really. I used to be someone that everybody liked, but I preferred being alone. Now, nobody knows me and I feel lonely. Friends whom I thought were friends, weren't really friends. This disappoints me the most. The ultimate community reminded me of those old days where "everyone" knew who I was. But as soon as I vanished.. well I vanished. I was as good as I never existed in the first place. Why am I so bothered at this, anyways? 

It's funny how I feel like I don't deserve anything, but at the same time I feel upset for feeling insignificant. 

What am I seeking? 

What Maisie Knew.

I like giving.

But adults hate that I am doing that. At least nobody knew.. until now. :D

When I feel sad and things are on sale, I'd get excited wanting to buy alot of stuff. But I knew I can't buy because I won't wear all of them. So my solution to that is.. to buy for people instead. Yeay.

Lol.

But I don't have a lot of friends to gift. So the little friends I have, gets a whole lot. And for those people whom I am not so close to, I wouldn't even want to buy for them if they asked me for help. Lol. What a bitch.

Don't say anything, move along..

Everyday you must do these things:

1. Brush your teeth twice (once when you wake up, once before you sleep)
2. Have a shower
3. Have meals (breakfast, lunch and dinner)

Sometimes, even that is hard to do. Because waking up can be a problem too.

Then comes every other events that requires your actions to:
- social
- family relations
- work/studies

And each and every other extra aspects in life that requires your time and effort to attend to. There isn't a rule to tell you how to live your life. But there are events along the way that gives you an idea on how to live you life in the present time.

For instance, I have an exam coming Tuesday. For all I know, I need to figure my way to make sure that I can sit for that exam. Until then, I have today, tomorrow, Monday and then it's the exam.

Wake up, brush teeth, have breakfast, start studying.
Nobody ever goes into details about their life, because nobody gives a shit. In that case, okay.. I don't give a shit about my life too..?
Wake up. It's 9am. I could start studying now, but I can't get myself to fully wake up and commit myself to studying. Then I fall back asleep. Dream about something, but it's a lucid dream and I have control of where the dream was going. Oh, this ending isn't going very well.. wake up, 12.30pm. I should get up now. Nope. My mind is feeling absolutely tired from this dream I just had, I can't open my eyes too. Urgh. Toss and turn til about 1.30pm. I still don't feel like getting out of bed or to study. 9gag, instagram.. boom. 3.30pm!

Well. I've browsed through instagram and 9gag that I have nothing new to browse through anymore. So.. studying was left.

Get up, have a quick pee, boil some hot water, pick the type of tea I felt like drinking for the day while waiting for the water to boil, brew my tea and then bring it back to the room and place it on my 'bed-desk'.

So from 4pm onwards, I'll be studying through for about 6 hours before I stop for a short break. At this point, I live life like I don't have a life. I only shower when I feel icky. I honestly don't even eat.

The only time I ever leave bed or my house is when I have an exam. Been living my life like this for about two weeks now. Feeling absolutely awkward when I need to talk to someone, like I've lost my tongue or something.

:/

I'd most likely be the same next semester. It seems much more insane than this semester.

:(

Goodbye sunshine, goodbye world..

I don't love myself enough to feel like I deserve the love I have.

I feel lonely and the only thing that made me feel secure is when he is physically around. It sounds pathetic, but I couldn't help it. I've lost myself in the midst of growing into the woman I should be; too scared and unsure of who I want to be as a person, really.

Picking up fights with him and getting absolutely frustrated at every person I have to discuss matters with. If things didn't go right, I'd flip almost immediately.

The fact that I don't love myself is probably the reason why I dont feel appreciated as a person or as a friend. I couldn't feel the love, I couldn't see it. I ended up assuming that the bad present would result with a doomed future. I pushed people away, for I feel like I had nothing worthy for their stay.

I couldn't figure out how to find my lost passion.
I still can't.

I could have been a Ballerina.
I could have been a model.
I could have been a cheerleader.
I could have been a  performer.
I could have been a singer.

I could have been anything.
But right now, I am going to achieve a goal where I can be closer to the animals. :)

Just one hug, and everything will be fine.

Honestly, year 1 feels like it's something really distant though really its only last last year.

Gold Coast and Sydney.
EHEHEHEHEHEHE ♡

Well fuck.
I can't graduate in absentia.
-.-

I like talking about myself sometimes. Then others can tell me things like how different or the same as I was compared to the previous me. Is that selfish? Hrmmm..

Can't say I'm jealous.

But I am jealous! :(
Ahh. I feel so silly.

Angst, really.

I thought it would be best to just vanish and figure myself out without any influence whatsoever.

"Why would you bother about what people thinks about you?" , "Why are you selfish?" .

How am I supposed to live life?

I actually can't believe I spent the entire semester not playing ultimate at all.

Literally saying, I stopped playing ultimate until I-dont-know-when. I am itching to play again though. But at the same time, I know that if I start again, I have a whole lot of work to do.

Beginning of the semester, I was trying my luck in trying to play with the best team that monash could put out for league. I knew that if I did get that spot, I would feel the need to push myself harder in wanting to improve myself and maybe actually aim to be in the team for AUG. But of course, I didn't make the cut and was placed in the second team. Knowing myself, I'd definitely wouldn't be stuffed about pushing myself any harder than I already was. So instead of taking the spot, I decided to let it go and focus more on my studies.

Right now, I could tell that if I actually made it to div 1, I would probably be highly driven to aim for AUG. The last time I had training was mid January with Honey which was really amazing, but I had to disappear for a month and didn't feel like going back to slow down their progress. :/

I literally spent my entire semester worrying about my future and working through my assignments. Kinda regret wanting to take Physiology as an extra major. Fingers crossed it'll pay off in the end.

Can't say I belong to Monash ulti, can't say I belong to Melbourne ulti either.
Maybe I got myself into this little mess. Yet it worked out so well for me last year, but why is it this year that everything is so wonky? :(

That disconnection is uncomfortable to me and unclear to everyone else.

It's a little ridiculous to know that I might actually drop another passion of mine.

I need to stop doing that. Australia Zoo, here I come? 

System override.

I know I barely had much sleep last night worrying about today. Got up this morning and immediately went for class. Turns out class wasn't really a class, ended up doing my assignment and forgotten about lunch. Had another lab session where it had presentations while I was an audience. Tea break in the middle of that section, drank a cup of tea. Then in the cbd, I worked on my assignment in Starbucks with a cup of hot chocolate while I wait for my time to attend that 'club talk' for ultimate. Had two cups of tea and several bites of cupcakes while listening to the talk.

No clue what I just said. But I am tired. I think there's too much 'excitatory synapses' in my brain due to the high intake of caffeine and sugar today.

Assignments still not done, but I really am going to crash any moment now.. :(

It's the last day of sem 1 tomorrow.
The only thing I remember about this semester is me worrying about every little thing, crying at everything and trying to deal with my assignments. No fun times. Just me giving myself a hard time. :(

I just need to sleep it off now. My head feels like it could explode anytime.

I hope he comes home soon, so that I can have my warm and comforting hug before I sleep.

I think the fight between ants and termites, is pretty gruesome.

I really am living in my own world now.
The only thing I have left is the unknown future.

There are two kinds of people;

One who are genuinely happy,

The other who would rather vomit blood.

I feel so much better when I do things for other people than for myself.

:/

Can I has your attention, please? :(

Science degree has me..

feeling like I won't get anywhere once I am done with this.
LOL. I've actually nerded enough to attend some of the science talks, and every assignment I do in year 3 requires me to do background research on past researches that had been done in order to complete them assignments. I can't tell you how much I have learned from all these small researches that I have done, they just made me feel like I am one heck of a dumbass science student. But it does make me feel a little smart when 9gag posted some animals-sciency stuff and they just talk nonsense about it just because they think they found something cool. THAT's the only one time that I find my scientific skills were actually useful in someway. BUT MAN.. how am I supposed to go any further than where I am now. I can't even write a proper scientific report with proper references and in depth studies and stuff. Though I believe arts studies have it worst with 3-4 thousand words of essay per assignment. But wow.. I don't know..

Those people who actually have a presentation of their studies sounds like they are really clever and they know what they are doing. I know nuts. :(

Apparently I need to read more. Still don't know how to find the time to sit and read though. aihh..

How often do I actually dress up for an occasion?

It's like when an eclipse happens. That's how often I dress up properly.

Friday, 30th of May 2014.
The day when I have two massive assignments due, the last day of my year 3 sem 1, the day where my beau asked me to be his plus one for his ultimate awards/celebration night. :)

*fingers crossed that I survive til then*

Honestly, I don't want to graduate.

As in, I don't want to attend my own graduation ceremony. 3 years of uni and I've always been a little annoyed at graduations. Yes, it may be one of my happiest days, a proud moment to share with people who are truly appreciate that moment where I actually graduate.

But I don't want to.

First off, I have to pay a ridiculous amount of money just to rent the robe and to walk down the stage and have a handshake with the dean(?) and then walk away.

Next, I have to wait super long for my turn to walk up the stage and wait super long for the ceremony to be over and done with.

Official graduation photos will cost a bomb.

I must return my robe within a certain time, because other people needs to rent the robe from uni too.

Then I need to dress up properly for my 'special' day. (Which I feel isn't really that special because a whole bunch of people will also be graduating)

But ultimately, I don't want to graduate is because I am afraid that nobody will turn up. I have been to enough graduations to see how important they were to at least a group of friends and also their family members. Friends and family would travel distances and spend a significant amount of time waiting there just to have a photo with the graduate, some may even stay to have dinner together. It seems like a grand celebration. Something really important to them.

Me? I have a feeling that if I do graduate, it will be a waste of money because it will only be for myself.

I'd rather spend that money on a trip, really.
I want to have a grad trip to Cairns, where the Great Barrier Reef is. Or maybe a short trip to Antarctica where I get to see nature and animals just the way they are. :)

You know what's nice?

Hearing someone calling your name with a smile, all so excited to see you again. Have a little chat, 'how have you been?' or even just a hug.

It makes everything feel better almost instantly. ♡

Maybe it is true that I am overreacting.

But why can't I? there isn't a rule about how humans should live their lives. People like doing things as they like, people say things as they feel like it. But why must I feel punished for expressing my own thoughts and feelings as I like?

RIGHT THERE! http://9gag.com/gag/aPv05EB?ref=android.s

Fabricated lifestyle.

Honestly I can't help but to reread what people have posted on my Facebook announcement. Never have I seen such meaningful messages in my timeline of Facebook. Even though I know that people are constantly publishing happy moments of their lives, people will also 'like' your shared happy moments. But what if you're not happy? People don't like unhappiness. You get told off to be stronger, you will be dubbed as an attention seeking whore, you also get ignored.

Hrmmm.. I can feel like I have built my personality based on what the society shapes a person to be. I would say that I had no strong base personality where I am confident with my decisions and that I am lacking with self confidence. Even when I know I am right at something, I could somehow believe that I am altogether wrong and was never right to begin with.

Being human is subjective. There is no marginal differences that could compare you with somebody else. Everyone is equal but different in some way.

I can't hide and pretend that I am not happy with what is happening in the society. But people will be people. It's something that I have to learn to accept.. right?

Mann. Growing up just messes with me even more. I wish I had grown to love myself and be content with who I am when I was younger. Right now its just a battle against myself.

Also, I believe that there is something not quite balanced in my brain. Like physiologically, not psychologically.

Wouldn't it be amazing to be given the opportunity to do a research based in Antarctica?

So close, yet so far.

Cut ties.

If they don't reconnect, then it's meant to be.

I dreamt that I was a performer.

And in my dream, I know that some of the poor 'actors' were randomly picked up and forced to be in the show not knowing what to expect. Somewhat part of the show where they get raw emotions out of these actors. Once we were done with the show, these actors will line up shaken and confused while one of the production people will walk along the line and ask them how much they would like to be paid. I whispered to those who were in my 'performance' that they should go big.

It then continued with me walking to the lifts, trying to figure out where my room is. I fumbled through a couple of floors before realising which card of mine was the room key. I remember finally getting to my room and it was a massive suite. I remember that lonely feeling I had but at the same time I knew I was doing well with my career, I should just push on.

* Back to reality, I am aware that I am dreaming and I can choose to wake up if I wanted to. But often of times, I'll continue sleeping on just to see where the dream brings me. It is sort of like a little companion I have and a place where I can escape to when I have pretty much nothing going on in reality. I have stronger feelings and emotions in my dreams than when I am awake. I sometimes feel that dreaming makes me more of a human than when I have my eyes open. *

Another dream of mine that I remember from more than a month ago, was really interesting.

I was in the body of a little boy about the age of nine or ten. He was going through an operation and the thoughts and the things he sees were something really gruesome that it is quite a scare if it was a real thing.

The massive operation was done where the psycho surgeon took the skin off the boy's father and internal organs out of the boy's mother alive before transplanting into this little boy's body in order to save his life. The scene was similar to a butcher where his parents were hung from the arms and were hanging into space below them. The boy did not see all of these torture that has happened to his parents, but somehow my dream had a scene of that.

What was worst is that this boy has woken up and he can feel this excruciating pain in his abdomen. Funny part about this is that I could feel his pain too. Whether or not I was hurting in reality, I wouldn't have known.. but I definitely felt it. As this little boy was pushed out of his operation room, he looked to his left and saw two glass window panels that separates him with the people on the other side of the room. In that room, he saw two girls screaming in pain. Somehow he was moving slow enough to see everything where he saw one of the girls tore her abdomen apart because she could no longer stand the pain as a person dressed in the surgeon uniform was trying to stop her from pulling herself apart. After she had pulled her abdomen apart, the uniformed person injected the girl and she just fell motionless on the table. While the boy was cruising past the second panel of glass window, he saw another girl experiencing the same thing. Except she had more uniformed people around her and they were trying to pin her down. Both the girls were screaming as though they were losing their minds due to the pain.

At this point, I somehow merged bodies with this boy. I could feel the pain in my tummy but I knew he was battling hard with himself wanting to pull himself apart just because he couldn't stand the pain but he knows whether by pulling it out or leaving it in, he was going to die in the end.

I woke up. I couldn't stand the pain that he was feeling. That feeling sort of taunted me for quite some time too.

* Good morning. *

I really am struggling to find my place in this world.

I hate having lunch.

I don't know what to eat, and eating makes me feel like I am wasting precious time. But dinner will always be an exception. I sort of figure out that if I starve myself enough, then dinner will be worth all the money spent on instead. Also, I can splurge on dessert after dinner.

Hrmm.. doesn't make any sense, does it?
Owells. A fulfilling dinner makes me happy. Especially when its with dessert. :)

I still feel bitter thinking about the friends that have stepped out of my life. It made me feel as though no one will ever be a permanent resident in my life ever. Sounds dramatic, but it isn't something easy to shake away either.

Pretending that it doesn't bother me, running away from the matter has always been the way that I function. It is difficult for me to understand that sometimes things just happen just because it has to happen and that there was nothing I could possibly do to change it. I would always feel like I have to take responsibility and the blame regardless. Unless when I know it really isn't my responsibility and that I know that I have established that mindset in me that it has nothing to do with me, I will be defensive.

I don't make sense huh? I'm confused too.

It is a fear of being left alone and a mixture of partial insecurity. I can't handle the fact that of people not being in my life in person. They tell me that it isn't necessary for friends to meet up and talk all the time, but my mind is telling me otherwise. I can feel like I won't be accepted for who I am when I truly reveal myself these days. All I can do is make jolly small talks and move on with my life. There is nothing where I could hope for, to look forward to. Everything seems.. bland and meaningless..

I hope that this is just another shell to break out from. Fingers crossed, maybe?

Well.. I live for my own life right? But I'd like to live my life for someone or something that is worth giving my time to. I know that makes me the happiest.

I fell asleep as I was typing my previous post.

I personally feel like whatever bad thing that happens to me, would be something that I deserve. Be it me being careless or not looking out properly. It is difficult for me to comprehend that things happen just because it happened.

I don't even know what to say or feel. But I definitely am annoyed that I have to go through all that hassle to make new copies of my official transcripts of my identity. *wow. Being a human can be such a pain sometimes..* Could I have prevented the event where I "lost" my purse, or was it pure bad luck that it just disappeared. Rhetorical, I know. Thanks for making do more work to despise humans even more, you unfortunate event. I wasn't even asking for it. Like why not give me something when I am actually asking for it and give me something that I totally deserve, eh? Grrr.

I even went and got myself a refund for getting overcharged on one of my purchases. That purse must have been juju-fied. I swear clumsiness would actually save myself from losing my purse today. Okay.. I don't make sense anymore. Just absolutely annoyed at the moment. Like really really really annoyed.

I doubt I dropped it though. I remember putting my purse into my bag! Just before I went to the toilet at that restaurant! I SWEAR THAT COMPARTMENT WAS CLOSED WHEN I WAS LEAVING THE RESTAURANT TOO.

Sad and annoyed.

Black Mirror taunted me.

It's just another tv drama series but it brought impacts on me that all I have left in me were questions that had no answers to.

I have been off Facebook for more than a week now and it feels rather odd. Partially it is because I have been dependent on Facebook as my source of information for my course units on how the assignments should be done. Other part of me just liked loathing on others misfortunes or odd doings and thoughts.

I swear people would just assume that I have left groups and assume that I just wasn't interested of being a part of them or they just didn't even realize my disappearance.

Right now I am really just trying to focus on getting myself together and hopefully pull through this semester just fine. Social Media induced depression has definitely gotten into me. It certainly has. The loneliness screams in my mind as I wander amongst these social media connectivity. Understanding, isn't as simple as

Is he patient or am I crazy?

What happens when I can't get what I want?

I don't know, cry my eyeballs off and then wake up the next day with a solution? But hey, at least I have a solution by the end of the ordeal. Sometimes it is absolutely difficult to get over that phase where I can't wake up with a proper solution.. and it sucks to the max. Because I know that I want to get things done as close to perfection as possible, and as soon as possible. Well, time doesn't wait for anybody. If I don't get this matter out of the way as early as I can, it is possible that I will never get it done with because you know new problems will just sprout out like mushrooms after a rainy day.

Do mushrooms really sprout out after a rainy day? I've never seen this natural occurrence ever. Being a scientist is tedious. Everything has to be done spot on, otherwise you'll probably just go around and around pondering on the same fact and not getting anywhere. But what I learned from writing shit long scientific reports is that no matter how little your time spent on a research could be, there is a chance of getting a certain yield of results. And because you know what you have obtained from that short period of time, you know what you could have done to improve in getting a better result in future experiments. But yeah, this shit part is writing a report to pass down the knowledge to someone who has zero idea about it. Little would you know, that with that little knowledge that you have passed on would give a certain degree of benefit to the next person doing a similar project.

So science-y.

I hate it when I can't get what I imagined it would be.
I make it a great deal when a friend is seemingly losing contact or so I would say, cutting of ties with me. That insecurity feeling just drives me nuts. It just makes me feel like I am not deserving of their time and patience. Like.. ya know, who am I right? I also make it a big deal because I could feel like I treasure my friends more than anything, thinking they were the only ones whom I could trust with my life.. literally. But in the end, people will just move on and well.. I have to live my life.. right?

It's just difficult. Sometimes I wish I could just blab my heart out and talk about every little thing that my mind could possibly think of, without being judged. Have a little discussion about what it would be like if the world would have been 'perfect' instead. But of course, reality will always be harsh. Too bad it's not something physical where we could just throw onto the ground and whack them up into non-existence. MEHH.

Today, there were a couple of girls talking about make up stuff. I just stared at them blankly and the only thing that came to my mind was 'how much I am fascinated by food' and how I couldn't relate to them at all. It's funny how we're all humans, but we have different thoughts and interests. There isn't a rule that shows us how to live life. It all depends on how the society reacts to what we do and how we accept this reactions. Weak people just won't be able to take it, sometimes I feel vulnerable too.

Sometimes I feel like my blog is my only friend whom I can trust. I know I can talk about almost anything I want, and I won't know how people would react to it. It is as though people are judging me without me allowing them to show it to me. Yeah.. something like that. I can be whoever I want to be? Maybe? YES. I am going to answer my own rhetorical question. (Y)

I have been having issues with myself. I can't figure out what is going on to me, but one thing I know for sure is that I have been crying almost everyday since the day that I have returned from my trip to Malaysia.

One image in my head that prominently popped up was the image of a friend whom we've had an unfortunate misunderstanding and it was a terrible one. It wasn't the typical kind of misunderstanding, it was one where any word that would be mentioned by either one of us could potentially start a war. It was best to not bring it up at all.

But of course, this one image remained in my head as though it was a poison to me. The moment this memory pops up in my head, it made me think a series of other misfortunes I had with friendships that has pretty much shattered and drifted away ever since I stepped foot in this foreign land.

Every visit home was as though life was giving me a big gigantic slap in the face that 'this is what you get for leaving the country and leaving your past behind'. It isn't anybody's fault to be blamed upon, but I can't escape from the fact that I am already blaming myself for all the losses.

Home didn't feel like home anymore, this foreign land isn't really my home either..

Yes it is true, people will walk in and out of our lives more often than expected especially as we age beyond teenage days. But it is now a fear to even create a bond knowing that it wouldn't last.

It is almost like there isn't a reason to do anything anymore.

When the semester started, I started driving myself crazy: what am I going to do after I graduate?

I mean, I have zero experience, and nobody would hire if you have no experience whatsoever. People tell me that I should work, but I couldn't see how if I will have time for anything else if I did work. Well, my priority for the past two years were mainly me trying to figure my life and find a place to belong to. At least, I would think so. The amount of unnecessary depression that I put myself into.. is just stupid. Yet I can't help but to feel that way.

So after two whole years in Melbourne, I still couldn't feel like I have somewhere I would belong to. Friends in Malaysia were.. living their own lives and I still find it absolutely difficult to mingle with the people here. I ended up having friends whom I will 'bump into' once in a while in uni and have a mini catch up session before running along to whatever we had to do. I kept myself busy, playing Ultimate Frisbee and dedicating so much of my time into MUMSU as well. I really thought by putting myself out there, I would be exposed to different sort of experiences with hopes of having proper friendship at least. But of course, time passed on by and I could still feel that loneliness that would kill me slowly if I let it.

Studies hadn't been that much of an easy ride either. Well, it's university. I don't feel like I am one bit prepared for this. I try adapting to this life of mine, but I know deep down that I am deteriorating without me realising it. Say for example, I've managed to gain 5kg within the first 6 months that I was here in Melbourne. Life was good, experimenting, having fun absorbing all these new joyous experience and everything. Now everything is normal.. I get caught up with work and then I look at the empty kitchen and just felt like I'd rather starve than actually making food for myself to eat. Even in uni, I'd just sit in the library and try to study as much as I can.

I actually stopped playing Ultimate. Like I can't even believe I am actually doing it. I feel like I really should be spending more time on my studies. Which I have. Yet at the same time, I miss running on the field and watching others play as well.. :/

I couldn't find a reason to go back onto the field. It always feels like there is something that needs to be done instead, but I just can't quite figure out what it is..

On the bright side, I've applied for a placement in Melbourne Zoo and Zoo Negara. Today, I got my response from Zoo Negara. And yes, I'll be going home for the month to gain some experience.
As for now, I've got to go back to my studies.

two scientific reports to write, one statistics assignment to do, two mid semesters tests next week.. and a trip that I am organising for MUMSU end of week7.. Kinda wish I could just murder myself at this point of time. But..

sometimes i choose not to wake up, because dreaming seems like a better escape.

the world seems too cruel to mean anything, but there is a glimmer of hope. 

everyone is nice. they just don't want to show people what their heart really looks like because people could just take it away and stab it into millions of pieces and throwing it on the ground for you to pick up again.

but why. 

I feel like I am going insane.
I fear that this would cost me everything I have.

I just don't know how to deal with the real world.

I need you.

I want to cry.

But I don't have a solid reason to cry, I just want to cry.

I feel like there are millions of things pinning my soul down and I am stuck in this body of mine with no idea of what I am doing, or where I am heading. What is my purpose? I am confused. I don't really know what I want either. If only I could let my soul be free for one moment.

I am always absent minded, sort of. I have no clue what I am doing. Where at the same time, I know that I should at least know something. But recently, even the basic things that I am used to.. seems more foreign to my system than ever.

I don't find a point in being a nice person anymore.
Truth be told, it hurts to be a nice person. Somehow, I find more joy in being mean to people. Something I would not have seen as a thing a couple of years ago. But here I am, enjoying the pain that everyone else who deserves the suffering. Throwing shots at people who are absolutely happy but look like some bum who does not deserve to be happy at all. A feeling where I want to drag people into this 'misery' that I feel. There wasn't any reason to be happy.. and happiness is always temporary..

I don't know what am I feeling.

What have I done to get this? I am tired of living my life. I don't see any purpose in it at all. The only thing that is keeping me from stopping right now is that I have a dream that I want to reach.

I need to be patient and kind.

Might want to read this someday.

https://medium.com/business-management/e0fd98388dde

Well.. it definitely does seem like I brought myself there. But I don't know how and why can't I change myself to be a better person.

Four friends of mine are now living in a house together on their own. A good friend of mine was heading over their place for dinner and asked if I would like to join them for dinner. Seemingly how lonely I was anf that I had no dinner, it was seemingly a good idea for me to spend some time there thinking that maybe I could bond more with these people.

So my good friend gave one of the four a call asking if it was okay to have me over for dinner. I'll use them as symbols.. because symbols.

&: hi! Do you think it's okay if I invited Kah Sim for dinner tonight?
@: HAAAAAAAAAAAA... But then right, the problem is we are sharing the cost of tonight's dinner. Even for you, we had to agree before we could go on with it. Tell her not enough food or something la. Sorry..

I honestly was struggling to hold in my laughter while listening to this conversation. It was hysterical in a way that it kind of tells me that they have no heart for me whatsoever. I mean I understand that I should've told them beforehand or that they were tight on their budget as they are new to this land. But my heart was just making it all look like a joke to me.

You know how ungodly awkward it was for me when I first stepped foot here in Melbourne all by myself and that I held on to that farewell image in my head for as long as I could. I kept thinking that no matter what happens, these people will be there for me. Or so I thought. But the truth is, every single trip I take as I return home to Malaysia I would result with a depleting circle of friends whom I personally thought were my friends. 

How many times have I gotten my heart broken? Uncoutable. How many times have I cried thinking that it was my fault that everyone was drifting away from me? I still think about it today. How many times have I felt absolutely lonely as hell? An awful lot of times.

I remember clearly during the first semester that I was here, I really wanted "friends" from back home to be here. Some said 'I'll be there soon, don't worry!'. Well.. they're here now. All of them. But I don't hear from them at all. Facebook was feeding me about their lives here.

Ironic isn't it.

Though honestly, it could be just being a bitter fart about everything that has been happening.

Yeah.. could it be that I brought all this pain to myself? What have I done to actually deserve this? :(

The problem with a completely new fleet of committees is that everyone has no clue whatsoever that has happened in the past and that every new decision made by these people will mean there will be drastic changes. I should've stepped off when I could. I am always regretting my decision! OMG. Do you have any idea how stupid I am. :(

But anyway, changes are seemingly drastic from what I had gone through for the entire of the first year with MUMSU. Right now, I couldn't really absorb and adapt to the changes that is happening. Sometimes I feel like I should step up and show them what we had done before and what had worked then. But at the same time, I couldn't help myself for feeling angry at the fact that they wouldn't listen to me as they have no clue whatsoever I am talking about. They pretty much have the same thought 'so what?'. I feel like the naggy old auntie who keeps telling them about things, yet I can't stop myself from doing it.

Understanding that this is a complete new fleet, everybody is absolutely keen with their own ideas. It's good. But I guess I am sort of 'OLD' that I know that this adrenaline rush will eventually die out and probably wouldn't come back again once it's out. I feel like that meanie trying to tell that that their ideas are not feasible as I understood how I was extremely keen my first time around and I got turned down a million of times to only understanding it NOW why I got turned down. Simply because they all seemed ridiculous and there were way too many variables and matters to worry about. If it wasn't the numbers, it was the money. If it wasn't the man power, it was the availability of the committees itself. I can feel myself understanding why sometimes it is impossible to run things properly and I can't help but to want things to be done flawlessly now that I know what has happened before and I would know how to tackle that problem this time around.

It is indeed very frustrating as I don't know how to word myself correctly. I kept in mind that they have no prior experience of starting the club from scratch and that they are absolutely keen in everything. There was literally nothing I can do but to watch them mumble and fumble about with their projects and stuff.

Though in a way, their keen spirit is still strong. In which I can see people are actually trying to get stuff done as soon as they can.. or so I can say for the time being. But I hope they know what they are doing and that they don't regret whatever they are doing with their decisions.

I made sure I took the smallest part of the committee as I know I could barely commit myself into MUMSU like how I used to. The negativity in me would be the driving force where I would just hate absolutely everything that is happening. I can't forget the day where I got lectured on my birthday for being too keen. That pretty much scarred me for life.

I really don't know how to pace myself and not know how to react and be a person whenever I am thrown into different situations. It kills me when I see people being able to be whoever they want and getting away with it, but I can't let my true self go freely for one bit without getting pulled away for a solo lecture.

Sucks.